How do I get over the 'I can't help/ contribute/ think/ talk/ function because I am out at work all day financially supporting you' line...

[Pieces]

A very negative response is becoming more frequent ( in fact that's bollocks it's his standard response) to all discussions about the family and his responsibilities.

It has just been yelled at me again when I asked whether he would do the night feed ( for the 2nd time since our 5 month old second son arrived.) He is working at home tomorrow ( usually stays in bed till 8.45 on working at home days) so didn't think it to be too big an ask. Background is that our beautiful son is a hungry ganet and I have regrettably just begun weaning onto formula- I have been up 3 times a night since June but have now managed to whittle it down to a single 4am formula only feed.

I also get this response when I raise other concerns, ie.

'Have you thought about reciprocating a break for me when you booked your stag/ drinks/ jolly outing.'

'could you do something more interactive with the boys rather than watching 14 episodes of peppa pig on the planner'

' do you think you could make me tea one night a week'

God... I could go on. This writing is therapy but makes me realise that I am seriously disenchanted with current situation.

Tips and clarity would be appreciated.

is there time to say seb blatter is a wanker?

Good for you, pieces. Have a lovely day.

There is always time to say that, UA. But I don't think OPs husband is Sepp blatter

Yes agreed crack fox. Being primary carer means I have lots of practice at cracking the routines, learning the toddler language, Pre-empting the shitty nappies and tantrums etc etc

I have witnessed dad looking on in wonder, but he is so capable of doing this too but I think can feel at times that it is all a bit alien to him so he seeks comfort in his iPhone, laptop and angry birds.

The only way to build his confidence ( that will hopefully lead to more wish to spend time as family) is for him to have more time with the boys who adore him.

Hi Ladies and OP. I hav been following this thread very carefully as I have EXCACTLY the same problem right now with my DH and tonight things have really come to a head. Background is we have almost been married a year and have a new baby only 4 months old. He is the breadwinner and is very successful and provides a very priviliaged life for us where i don't have to work and have the housework done for me and even had live in help when the baby was born for 9 weeks to do the nights. He is a bit older than me and got married a little later in life and so has been use to doing his own thing for many years. He is a bit old fashioned and believes the man goes out to work and I should take care of the baby which I don't have a problem with that's fine. Since the baby has been born he has not changed one nappy or given a bottle etc. He does take the baby at the weekends inbetween feeds however and allows me to sleep/encourages me to spoil myslef etc.
However it has come to a head tonight as for the past 5 weeks that we haven't had the help I have been sleeping in the spare room with the baby. He pont blank refuses to sleep with me and the babyas he has work and doesn't want to get woken up. Tonight when he obviously doens't have work tomorrow he still refuses to sleep with us as it's "his only chance of a lie in" FFS!!!!! when do I get the chance of a lie in and more to the point it just upsets me so much that he doesn't even want to sleep with his wife! OK the odd night I understand but it's 5 weeks now! To make matters worse he works on his computer all evening so we NEVER spend anytime together, sorry yes we do the 15 minutes he sits down to eat and then goes of back to the computer! I feel like as we are not sleeping together of even chilling on the couch together at night that we have absolutley NO relationship. I have tried to explain so many times to him but he either says 'ive been working all day i'm tired" / "stop moaning do you realise how lucky you are?" (yes, i do but i didn't marry him for money, i married to have a relationship!) or he says "it's not for ever i'm just trying to make a better life for us blah blah blah"

So now for gd only know how many nights on the run i am again sat here on my own and i just feeling like saying enough is enough...
Can someone please help offer me some words of wisdom I can say to him that might make him understand how I feel...
OP I thought we could moan together and explain my situation might make u feel like at least it's not just u xxx

Poor happy feet. I feel your pain...

Is this change post baby or has he always been unaware of you...

So you eat together and then he fucks off again?

Being a new mum is lonely. But your husbands complete non acceptance of the associated 'jobs' that the stork dropped off is compounding this. And hurtful to you that he doesn't want to be involved.

I hope the other mums can help you too. I have found this board great therapy, have taken some positive steps in 24 hrs and feel empowered.

Ps. Does he realise how lucky he is? me thinks not

Hi Pieces.
God for you I am glad you are feeling better an hopefully turning things around.
Yes it has always been like his even before baby was born. Obviously nott eh sleeping seperately but the fucking off in the evenings. He is literally stuck to his computer all evening. We still talk as the room is open plan but basically it's me sat on the couch and him typing away working whilst commenting on what im watching etc. It's not the best but I put up with it as I know he is working hard to build up the business. However now as we aren't sleeping together it has amplified the fact we aren't spending anytime together at all. It's so shit I can't bear it anymore. I'm so close to telling him it's over cos tbh i don't even feel like if I leave I will be missing out on anything. I know obviously I will but I feel like a single parent living with a flat mate..who i bloody well have to cook for and tidy up after!!! He really dos use the money thing to back up every argument though and makes me feel like I can't complain cos |I have the life of Riley...but all I really want is to spend time with him

He says he does. He always says he's got the best wife in the world and how proud he is of me with the baby etc...no wonder he says he has the best wife in the world, no one else would put up with this i'm sure!!!! ;-)

It sounds awful happy feet.
From your first post it sounds as though you feel that you 'ought' to be grateful for the 'privilege' of having a husband who earns enough for you to not only not work, but to also have someone in' to do the cleaning and even a night nurse to Take care of night wakings for the first few months.

I don't think it's a privilege-I think you're being treated like a doll. Sorry if that sounds harsh but it looks as though you and the baby are a 'trophy' to wheel out and feel 'proud' of in a really superficial way.

Your life is empty and unsatisfying but you're not allowed to voice that because you're supposed to be grateful that you can sit at home having a non life while your husband gets on with his. Even your evenings and nights are spent apart. It really does not sound like a relationship at all.

Like gaelicsheep i work full time in a very demanding job and my DH is SAHD and i do all night feeds/dealing with teething etc. I dont cook during the week but do at weekend. We have a cleaner but share laundry etc. Its not perfect and we both have days when we feel resentful. It usually comes down to feeling that one does not appreciate what the other does.

These men are being lazy but also it helps to show the other that you recognise their stress.

Also could you get some childcare? Having a nanny or nursery for a couple of mornings a week would help you get some rest. Once you feel less exhausted its easier to have the energy to address the problem.

I agree with liberty. Use the money to get daytime childcare so that you can catch up on sleep. Everything else will seem more manageable.

Pieces Deal with the baby at night, catch up on sleep in the day, look after the dcs and yourself, and let the house get into a right tip. Don't wash his clothes or cook him meals. Tell him you can't do it all on your own and he needs to pull his weight when he's home. Basically like it or lump it! He may live with takeaways and crumpled shirts for a while but eventually he will get the message.

happyfeet I don't understand why you can't sleep in the same room. Could you not put the baby in another room now and have a monitor? If DH doesn't like it he can sleep in another room. Also, if DH wants a 'lie in' on Saturday morning, give him the baby in the afternoon whilst you catch up on some sleep.

My DH is one of those men described earlier in the thread that has got into the habit of doing sweet FA. And as some other posters have said, actions speak louder than words with him. And also speaking assertively and detailing what I want/need. For example regarding having a break or a night out I would say "OK, the following weekend will be fine then for me to go out with X won't it?". I also, when he's getting slack around the house, regularly go off for days out or trips to the gym or to a fitness class. He is on a lads night out tonight and staying in a hotel so will get a lie-in, and as soon as he is home tomorrow I will have my coat on and nip off out for an hour or two of child-free shopping. I don't give him the option of refusing, I just go. I will also ask him to do some things whilst I'm out "I'll be out until at least 3pm so if you could give the DCs their lunch and make sure that the load of washing goes in the drier once it's finished washing that would be great. Oh and the dog will need to be walked too"

My DH tends to go in cycles, he will get slacker and slacker in the house and with the kids, so eventually it will result in an argument and generally me going on strike and not doing anything for him and leaving the housework for a few days, and this will generally be enough to make him pull his socks up and do his share of the cleaning and childcare.

God - there are a lot of these threads about aren't there.
I keep want to join in and vent about DP, but feel crap about it all and don't want others to confirm that I'ma doormat.

Today for example, I was up at 5.30 with baby, DP up at about 8 ish, left house at 8.45 for the morning (needed to go to an auction??!) back mid afternoon for about 15 mins. Nipped to tesco with DS1 for 40 mins to 'give me a break' (still leaving me with DD and baby) then faffed about until tea time. Now lying in teh bath while I tidy up (and MN obviously!)

This is not an unusual day.

I feel for you, Bobolback. It sounds as though your DP is royally taking the pee. In your situation, I would really try to shift the balance a bit. Is he home tomorrow? Tell him tonight that you will be having a lay in tomorrow morning and that you will have one each per weekend from now on. Then plan something for the day and go out and leave him looking after the DCs.

This is why I have a career and my own money and am not reliant on my dh so I can't be victim to this sort of horribly unfair crap. Sorry if that's unhelpful.

My dh is great anyway and far more domestically able than I am to be fair and even when I was on maternity leave did not see childcare as 100% my domain, but it most certainly helps our dynamic that I bring in the bacon. He is shit in the mornings and was never much good at night feeds but it all balanced out (ie the domestic and childcare share) so has never been a huge issue.

In the meantime, I totally agree you should either piss off for a day to make him realise how bloody hard it is and/or insist on some respite/childcare on a regular basis if he's so big on how he's 'keeping you' in such luxury.

I am interested in the cycles described by HQOTS. My partner does the same. But it is so exhausting to have to do this every few months. Any tips for a permanent positive change?

Happy feet, how about some voluntary work or involvement in charity, gym, clubs... Whatever to break your monotony of the days and nights? Having had my first morning out on my terms on sat I fully recommend some kind of respite. Hey and with some retail therapy thrown in for good measure at least you get some rewards from the non stop working!