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Original poster

I know I shouldn't, but I find DP embarrassing :-(

82 replies

Christiola · 15/11/2011 16:03

In private DP and I get on great, we have a laugh and like the same things. In public however I find him so embarrassing :-( I know how shallow and bitchy this is going to sound but I'm always terrified of bumping into someone I know when we're together because he says really inappropriate things (almost aspergers like) and often comes across as rude and strange. For instance someone could be mid sentance and he'll suddenly cut in with "yeah, bye" and walk off!! often leaving me stood there like an idiot having to apologise with my face and scuttle off behind him.
Anyway last weekend he'd asked me to go out with him for his friends birthday night out. I agreed but I noticed he really does stand out like a sore thumb. People just take the piss out of him, one bloke in a bar recognised him from work and shouted "oh that bloke is a fucking legend!" before running up to DP, taking his glasses off his face, putting them on himself and walking around doing impressions of DP for everyone to laugh at. DP just stood there awkwardly playing with the buttons on his shirt like a bullied school boy. In the end I took the glasses off the bloke. It was so awkward all night, I felt so out of place, even the bloke who's birthday it was kept calling DP "grandad" as apparently that's what he's known as at work. He was even awkward with the bouncers asking if it was ok to go in etc. Everyone just laughs at him

Anyway this coming weekend my friend has invited me out with her and her boyfriend. He's in the army, he's funny, sociable etc - I agreed but DP got wind of it and wants to come but now I just want to back out. I know how horrible this is but I can't face the thought of taking him out with my friends. He'll embarrass me, I know he will.

I don't WANT to feel like this but I can't help it. I never enjoy being out in public with him unless I know it's somewhere I won't bump into anyone I know but even then, he manages to embarrass me in front of strangers.

I suppose my question is, if I feel like this, we shouldn't really be together, should we? despite how much we get on in private.

OP posts:

Peachy · 15/11/2011 17:23

ProudN it is relevant in so far as she can signpost him so he is not left to cope with a break up alone. As to whether she stays- it is not.

lisaro · 15/11/2011 17:24

Oh dear, this feeling will only get worse. Also, if this relationship moved on, how would you feel about your children (when you have them) feeling like this? I'm really sad for you both.

OrmIrian · 15/11/2011 17:25

Thanks peachy. That's really kind. it has only become a 'problem' as such in the last 18m - up till then he was just eccentric and stubborn. Now he's beginning to stand out from his peers and I am beginning to worry. but I am good at that

JaneFeestelijkBierdekijn · 15/11/2011 17:29

Oh God. How sad.

I had a boyfriend once and he was a bit embarrassing too, but not all the time, and not in the same way - he was a bit arrogant and liked to wear odd clothes. I loved him but wished he would tone it down a bit. It was an awful feeling, that guilt.

Anyway your DP sounds like a good man with a poor understanding of social skills. I actually really like the sound of him from your description and it makes me want to say, well, I'll go out with him no problem! (I'm quite like him - I'm not great socially either). But that's not any use to you or him.

It does sound very much like AS. I think you should look into this together, talk to him some more, say how his behaviour makes you feel and ask if he would like to work on aspects of it so people didn't respond like they do.

If he wants to then go for it. If not, then you might be best off apart.

Sorry

Peachy · 15/11/2011 17:29

We all are Orm, it's natural for us to worry.

How old is he now?

Carlitawantsababy · 15/11/2011 17:31

It does sound like he has AS. This of course doesn't change the decision you have to make. Sounds tough
Would he accept a suggestion of AS? It may be that he could access a social skills course of similar which may help him and you though learning social skills is extremely complex and takes time and it's highly likely he'd still get things 'wrong' sometimes.

toddlerama · 15/11/2011 17:34

So his friends like him, you like him, but you were embarrassed when some one outside of this social group bullied him? I think you can get through/past this, surely. You might need to be ok with sticking up for him (as you did), but why would that be a problem if you love him? If you don't love him, obviously he's going to seem like a bit of a burden to you, but surely his quirks have only highlighted the depths of your feelings (or lack of), not destroyed the love affair of the century. You may have realised that you simply don't feel strongly enough about him to deal with that stuff, but you would have realised it sooner or later without this extra challenge. I'm rambling on, but in short if the love was there, this would be a non-issue. Sounds like you just aren't that into him.

FoodUnit · 15/11/2011 17:49

This thread is giving me food for thought because I do have a fondness for geeky, awkwardness and downright weirdness. My DH and I both do and since we have quite geeky interests, we meet a lot of colourful characters (with high likelihood of AS). Also I have consciously weeded the aholes from my life and only hang out with nice people who also enjoy oddbods.
Sometimes I meet very happy couples where one partner is able to socially smooth out the awkward bumps of the other and it is really touching to see in action.
So for you OP.... What do you value? Do you share those values with your partner?
What are your mates like? Do they like the same part in you that you share with him?
I see that you are conflicted and are dreading introducing him to others. Maybe just go for it and see what happens. They might like him too. And what a relief for you eh? It also might be worth him testing for ASD since it is an easy way to diffuse things if he is insensitive "don't take it personally he's got aspergers".
If on the other hand you posted because you're looking for courage to end the relationship... well then that's a different question...

AgathaCrusty · 15/11/2011 17:52

I wonder if you are not as socially confident yourself as you would like to be? He is obviously likeable enough to have a loyal group of immediate friends/colleagues at work, just not with a wider group who presumably haven't really got to know him. You like him when you are on your own with him. Maybe his obvious discomfort when in a social situation mirrors your own, but you are better at coping with your discomfort and hiding it?

Just a thought.

BlatantRedhead · 15/11/2011 18:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Proudnscary · 15/11/2011 18:30

Hi Peachy - how would that work to 'signpost him' then not be around? How will that help him 'cope with the break up'? Won't that be even more hurtful? Or am I misinterpreting what you're saying? I'm not sure if it wouldn't be better to just tell big fat white lies about why she's splitting up with him, rather than hurting him further and possibly throwing something at him that could be pretty earth shattering to him?

OrmIrian · 15/11/2011 19:34

He's 8 now peachy.

wtfwtf · 15/11/2011 20:04

Oh, what a sad thread. ds has possible AS, and this makes me feel a bit sick for him.

That said, I feel for you as I don't think I could be in a relationship with someone who I didn't feel was an equal, and whom I had to look after when out and about. I'm probably more socially adept than DP,but he is far ahead of me in other ways so it evens out.

Your DP sounds lovely, sweet and quirky. I think most decent people would recognise that, and like him for it! The ones who are mean really aren't worth a second thought.

It is difficult to get rid of the cringe factor though, once its ingrained and you need to change your mindset if you want to make it work. I really wish you well.

realhousewife · 15/11/2011 20:13

It might be that he is still being bullied at work - in which case there are support groups that can help. Perhaps they will help him get to the root of his issues.

Perhaps after helping him get support you would be able to leave with a bit of a clear conscience.

Selks · 15/11/2011 20:35

OK so he may have AS, he may not.

But this thread is as much about the OP as it is about her DP.

OP, I think you need to think a lot more about WHY you feel uncomfortable or embarrased by your DP's behaviour...what feelings of your own does it tap into?
We all need to 'own' our reactions to things and understand where they come from. Do they relate to any insecurities of your own?
If you get a handle on your own feelings you may be able to detach from feelings of embarrasment when you are out.

If, as you say, you get on great with your DP at home and if you do want to make a go of it with him then as well as him working on his confidence and social skills if he can, you need to work on your own feelings. Or if you feel that you might not want to carry on with him, understanding and taking ownership for your own reactions may give you the clarity to discover whether you can make a go of it with him or not.

Ilovegeorgeclooney · 15/11/2011 20:52

"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing." Burke

What I can't understand is why you did not defend your DP. As a teacher I often have this conversation with teenagers. You seem to watch someone you care about being bullied yet won't defend him, he deserves better, why do you care about what these comparative strangers think? If your friends are worth anything they will see past the superficial and value your DP for his good qualities.

yellowraincoat · 15/11/2011 20:58

Wow, I couldn't stand by and watch people treat my partner like that, I'd be so mad.

Maybe it means you're not really meant to be. With my partner, I'M the socially awkward one, and I know it doesn't bother him at all.

ike1 · 15/11/2011 21:16

Right, you can stay with a guy who you enjoy private time with alone- or take your chances and end up with a geezer. Fuck it I would have been so angry on my partners behalf I would not have recognised the 'issue' Blame the cunt who thought he was being a comedian

heleninahandcart · 15/11/2011 21:31

He is not an arse, he is a good guy who has poor social skills. You are fine when you spend time together. Why is it so important to you that he can be Mr Supersocial in front of other people? Why does it matter?

TheSmallClanger · 15/11/2011 21:37

It doesn't sound like this relationship is giving you what you need, OP. If socialising is important to you, then settling for someone who isn't good at it isn't going to make either of you happy.

antlerqueen · 15/11/2011 21:51

Do you have self-esteem issues? / Asking because i can't really understand why other people's opinions of your guy are more important in your eyes than how you feel about him - after all it's you that knows him and not just the shell of himself he shows in public.

marianhalcombe · 16/11/2011 10:59

It sounds to me like she did stick up for him, took his glasses back. So it's not true that she sat back and did nothing.

tigermoll · 16/11/2011 12:56

OP, I really feel for you. But having a r/ship with someone means that, ideally, they can become integrated into every area (or as many areas as you wish) of your life, not 'it's fine when it's just the two of us'.

It sounds as if you are aware that your feelings of embarrassment aren't exactly noble, but they don't make you a bad person. I can empathise, - when at school, I made friends with the class weirdo, because I couldn't bear to be one of the people who bullied or ignored her. The result was NOT that she revealed a fascinating, loyal and hilariously funny personality that had simply been concealed. She revealed a personality that was weird, dull, overly fixated on childish things and quite self obsessed. I quickly regretted my offer of friendship, but felt it was unfair to withdraw it (plus, getting her to leave me alone would have involved a fair amount of cruelty) so we stayed friends, and I ended up defending her against casual unpleasantness. I found it hugely embarassing when my other friends saw her showing me the drawings of unicorns she had done (she was 18) or her leaning her head on my shoulder to sing carpenters' songs, but just had to suck it up. I felt guilty about not liking her very much, and was tremendously relieved to finish school and allow the friendship to subside.

Peachy · 16/11/2011 13:34

Another point is that whilst if he has AS you can't see he registers it, lots of studies suggest the opposite-curently ASD is being linked to a huge number of extra functioning cells in the emotional brain centres leading to someone withdrawing from their response to that s opposed to not having a response IYSWIM.

So, if you need to go you should go now and with as much empathy and kindness as you can, becuase although he might not show how much it hurts and that he is aware of all the crap that goes on towards him, chances are he is. Staying won;t help that, not dragging it out might.

HowAboutAHotCupOfShutTheHellUp · 16/11/2011 13:40

I think you should talk to him sensitively about it. He might not realise how he comes across.

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