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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I know I shouldn't, but I find DP embarrassing :-(

82 replies

Christiola · 15/11/2011 16:03

In private DP and I get on great, we have a laugh and like the same things. In public however I find him so embarrassing :-( I know how shallow and bitchy this is going to sound but I'm always terrified of bumping into someone I know when we're together because he says really inappropriate things (almost aspergers like) and often comes across as rude and strange. For instance someone could be mid sentance and he'll suddenly cut in with "yeah, bye" and walk off!! often leaving me stood there like an idiot having to apologise with my face and scuttle off behind him.
Anyway last weekend he'd asked me to go out with him for his friends birthday night out. I agreed but I noticed he really does stand out like a sore thumb. People just take the piss out of him, one bloke in a bar recognised him from work and shouted "oh that bloke is a fucking legend!" before running up to DP, taking his glasses off his face, putting them on himself and walking around doing impressions of DP for everyone to laugh at. DP just stood there awkwardly playing with the buttons on his shirt like a bullied school boy. In the end I took the glasses off the bloke. It was so awkward all night, I felt so out of place, even the bloke who's birthday it was kept calling DP "grandad" as apparently that's what he's known as at work. He was even awkward with the bouncers asking if it was ok to go in etc. Everyone just laughs at him Sad

Anyway this coming weekend my friend has invited me out with her and her boyfriend. He's in the army, he's funny, sociable etc - I agreed but DP got wind of it and wants to come but now I just want to back out. I know how horrible this is but I can't face the thought of taking him out with my friends. He'll embarrass me, I know he will.

I don't WANT to feel like this but I can't help it. I never enjoy being out in public with him unless I know it's somewhere I won't bump into anyone I know but even then, he manages to embarrass me in front of strangers.

I suppose my question is, if I feel like this, we shouldn't really be together, should we? despite how much we get on in private.

OP posts:
Original poster
Christiola · 15/11/2011 16:37

His friends were not bullying him, the bullying was coming from other guys in the pub. His friends were actually very nice to him.

OP posts:
SootySweepandSue · 15/11/2011 16:38

Please do not feel guilty. His happiness is not your responsibility. I'm saying this who left someone whose sister had terminal cancer. I felt awful but the illness and our relationship ending was not my sole responsibility. You have to look after no 1 sometimes.

peanutsmuggler · 15/11/2011 16:40

From your posts you don't sound very keen on him at all, what was it about him that made you want to be with him in the first place?

Original poster
Christiola · 15/11/2011 16:40

and to add to that friends/bullying thing - I mentioned to the birthday guy what the glasses bloke had done to DP and he immediately wanted to go looking for him. This is what I mean about them being loyal friends. They were not bullying him at all, if they had been I would have insisted on leaving.

OP posts:
joanofarchitrave · 15/11/2011 16:41

Blimey. I think he should get a different job. Has he considered working with older people perhaps? He could be a deal happier without these bullying nobwhacks in his life. Perhaps he could sue for constructive dismissal on the way out.

Anyway, that wasn't what you were asking. Does he actually enjoy going out? Why is he going to pubs clubs and parties all the time when he sounds as if quieter pursuits would be more him? Do you love him enough not to go out very much? I don't think you should be with someone hoping they will change, no, so unless you are happy to stay home with him, I think perhaps you shouldn't be together.

How about identifying a gorgeous girl who also prefers a quieter life, and matchmaking??

Original poster
Christiola · 15/11/2011 16:42

Peanut, I am - that's the thing. We get on great in private - we like the same music, the same food, we enjoy the same things, have a similar sense of humour (sometimes but he can get carried away) - it's just in public I find myself constantly cringing and its no good for either of us.

OP posts:
crazyhead · 15/11/2011 16:42

staying with him out of pity/guilt isn't going to give him confidence in the long run, OP. And how can a relationship where you feel so ashamed have the right sexual spark?

I feel really sorry for the guy from what you describe, but I can't see how you can cure his ills by staying with him for these reasons...

Hullygully · 15/11/2011 16:42

still no.

He isn't going to change and you aren't going to magically get over it. Guilt is not the answer

peanutsmuggler · 15/11/2011 16:44

I take it you didn't meet him in a very public setting then?

Original poster
Christiola · 15/11/2011 16:45

He was the one that insisted on going out that night Joan. It's sad because I think he feels like he has to act like me to stay with me. I've told him I'm happy going out with friends and staying home with him or cinema etc on alternative weekends etc but he responds with "hmm but I never get to go out!" which is true but I feel like I'm responsible for him going out. I feel like I'm responsible for him full stop sometimes.

OP posts:
Original poster
Christiola · 15/11/2011 16:46

No we met at a first aid thing.

I'm going to put some dinner on so if I don't reply for a while, I've not disappeared! I'll be back on later.

OP posts:
nickelbabe · 15/11/2011 16:47

so his friends understand him.
He needs that.

It's a shame that they went somewhere that a bully was at though :(

wifey6 · 15/11/2011 16:52

It sounds like he is awkward in social situations as he lacks confidence & self-esteem. That can make people say/act inappropriately. May be he could try confidence building courses etc. it would enable him to stick up to the bullies & make him feel better about himself. But you have to follow your heart as well & if you feel you can't carry in with the relationship...you must end it.

Peachy · 15/11/2011 16:53

I hall get you a link about AS and it will have number where you can speak to someone about support for him before you go.

orm, does your ds have AS?

moonstorm · 15/11/2011 16:54

I think you should stick up for him. If you get on well in private, then you should be helping him in public. Your poor dh.

Pancakeflipper · 15/11/2011 16:55

I don't think this is going to be a successful relationship for you Or him really.

He is going to get dependent on you for the social side of things and you will gt more and more aware and wary. And he'll start to notice your tension, you avoiding going out in groups etc.

It's not currently equal.

You could talk to him about this and find out how he feels about being out socially and if he is aware his behaviour is sometimes inappropiate (the pointing at the colleague when the who ate all the pies song came on) but you'll need to be strong, firm and kind And you could end up being more of a support system to him than a girlfriend.

Having said that - I feel so sorry for him because he sounds like he can be very sweet to you.

Peachy · 15/11/2011 16:55

here

OrmIrian · 15/11/2011 17:03

peachy - he has a lot of the signs. School assessed him and found that he was on the spectrum but only just. But put it like this, if he doesn't change dramatically in the way he reacts around other people, he might well be in th OPs' partners position as an adult. He just doesn't get the social cues that other people pick up naturally.

OrmIrian · 15/11/2011 17:06

Currently being assessed for dyspraxia too atm.

Proudnscary · 15/11/2011 17:06

As everyone else says, I feel terribly sad for him (actually felt physcially sick when you were talking about the twat putting his glasses on etc). But you can't stay with him out of guilt, you are going to have to cut loose and remind yourself you are not a bad person - quite the opposite - but you have your life to lead and you can't carry him through life.

Whether or not he has Asperger's is actually irrelevant because you can't cope with being in a relationship with him.

x

moonstorm · 15/11/2011 17:09

Is it any different to him having a physical ability and him leaning on you to suppoert him with that?

I'm sorry, I see so many bad relationships, yet you say when you are alone it is good. Why throw all that away, when you could be supporting him?

piratecat · 15/11/2011 17:18

op i really feel for you and for him.

I don't know what to say, it just seems terribly sad.

BluddyMoFo · 15/11/2011 17:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

marianhalcombe · 15/11/2011 17:22

If you get on well with him in private then I think it's worth considering working on it. He clearly has difficulties socially but is there any way for him to get help with this. Is he aware of it?

The guy who took his glasses is an absolute nobhead - I think this night is affecting your thinking on your relationship. If you hadn't gone, would you feel quite so embarrassed as you do now.

Peachy · 15/11/2011 17:22

Orm you know I am doing the MA in ASD right? Close to end now, and setting up a sort of consultancy so you know where I am if you need anything OK (though I wouldn;t charge LMAO, somewhat obviously? Including a massive rant / weep.