How do i make it better?

[badperson]

we've been together 11 years this year.
always had ups and downs, both stubbon and firey.
but i used to be so happy go lucky and laid back, now im suspicious, nasty and bad tempered.
we had a beuatiful dd whos three this year, she was planned but the lack of help and support from family wasnt.
it has caused a huge rift between us and i dont know how to get it back on the way to us wanting to be with eachother anymore.
yesterday, he said he cant talk to me cos i have a go at him straight away(yes but its normally when after no input, he contradicts my parenting), he spends almost all night everynight on an internet site, nothing dodgy and because i used to spend all my time on here, i dont really have an argument, he knows i am lonely and still he go's on, but i wonder if i am being unreasonable?, why shouldnt he be aloowed to chill out on the p.c..he tells me if i want to go out and visit friends, then im welcome too..but i dont.
in an argument weeks ago, he told me we are only together because of dd and we both know that, this makes me so sad cos i do love him, but i dont want to spend the rest of my life living here and there being such a cold atmosphere between us..its like we dont bother talking..he'll say 'ring me if you need anything getting from the shop today' (he works over road from supermarket)..and my reply is 'Milk'..not oh yes, we could do with some milk please...its me as mucha s him, i put no effort in with him, my family myself..i suppose im just blathering here, i wanted to email samaritans, but if they email back he may see it and i dont want that.
sorry for going on

First of all you are not a bad person so your name is wrong. But you are displaying symptoms of depression and I urge you to go and talk to your gp. You could be prescribed ad's or councelling or both and in a few months time you could be feeling much lighter of spirit. As a quick fix start treating yourself a little, go and have your hair done or buy yourself a nice top in the sales. Good luck.

First of all Badperson . you are not. Prhaps ypou should have called tourself "strugglingwithrelationshipwithuseless partnerperson". I know a bit how you feel about lonliness, am struggling with same, difference is my partner is addicted to internet porn,(have started thread on it) and other internet sites as well (electrical goods, bike spare parts etc etc). He spends hours and hours and hours on it cos it IS addictive, easiier that communicating and , if you have broadband, it seems "free". Not suggesting for one min that your dp has prob with porn butthe internet IS addictive. Maybe you should get rid oof it for a bit or change to dial up so he wont sit on it for hours. Don't let his behaviour change you. I'm so afraid this will happen to me as well, and have booked Relate appointment. Have you asked family/friends for support with your dd? Can someone have her for an eve so you can spend some time together outside the house somewhere to try to talk. Don't be scared to ask and say WHY you need the time tiogether. Hope someone has some better advice soon.

you guessed right.
i have been trying different tabs for PND since dd 9 months although i think its more than PND aas i was slightly depressive before she arrived.
i came of my tabs in july and was fine for a little while, but then it all came around again.
am going to chemist for new prescription today and got and apointment for CBT counselling in feb, but i just want to be able to see/think clearly..stop snapping at dd who is and absolute star compaired to most her age and sort out my relationship with dp..we had a point over christmas that was lovely..for about three days..then it went back to normal..i feel sad that he said he cant talk to me..he doesnt give me the chance half the time cos he's up staurs on here...i feel i scrutinise everything i doo and he does, i regret everything ive done and never feel like i get anything right, dont feel i should do anything for myself(i did go and get my hair done on christmas eve so i didnt have to mess with it, but i just worried about the price and because i look after dd and dont work, like i dont deserve it.
dp said to me yesterday that i blame him for my life?..he went on to say that i hate it because i have to stay at home with a baby all day?..id never even thought of this, but im such a sponge im now wondering if he's right..but i couldnt forgive myself if i put dd into nursery and something happend to her and id feel selfish for going to work and leaving her, bu7t maybe shed be better of with someone else as im so messed up and what with all the arguing she sees me and dp doing, it makes me cry thinking about what its doing to her

semireg, i saw your thread and thought to myself, well i suppose at least its not porn hes looking at..i really feel for you
dp knows its addictive, he go's on about 8.30 of an evening until he go's to bed(10.30ish week, 1am weekends)
i used to be like that on here, and now im getting a taste of my own medicine, its just i feel so lonely and unable to do anything to sort it out..why do they want to spend hours playing poker or pricing up bike parts..its like we dont matter anymore

its called being taken for granted

and loneliness becomes like a constant kick in the head.

xx

sorry gravity?, i dont understand that?

Getting a part time job is a great idea. Your daughter would benefit from having a happy mum and dad and would quite likely to enjoy nursery, and the likelyhood of anything bad happening to her is slight.

Getting out of the house and earning a bit of cash, even just for a few hours a week will give you some of your self worth back, of course you deserve the price of a haircut.

I'm saying this because alot of what you are saying rings true for me. I bet a small job would be really good for your self esteem and you would get out and about and get to talk to other adults. You would also have more to talk to your dp about.

He says you blame him for a lot of what is wrong in your life - well he probably isn't. It sounds like he is having difficulty dealing with a dw who is having a rough time. He may not be particularly sensitive but it can't be easy living with someone who is depressed. Concentrate on the nice time you had over Christmas.

I actually think you have most of the answers to your problems within you and I think that CBT therapy will be very good for you. Try and be optimistic about 2006.

thankyou, you sound very wise.
i am waiting for a reply to see if i can start working a few hours and still recieve incapacity benefit for a short time, just until i can decide i can actaully do it, but with this huge mortgage and all our other outgoings, until i can get something thats pays well, im stuck. we feel like we're stuck in the poverty trap.
the answers probably are there in my head somewhere but its such a mess in there right now, i cant find them..does that make sense..im quite a level headed person normally, just all over the place now

sorry wrote what was in my head - when you said its like we dont matter anymore - it because they take us for granted.

as for loneliness, the feeling gets worse, the lonelier you get the worse you feel.

and then any attention you get is nice (shame it cant be from the one you love huh?) my dh is lucky i am not the same way inclined as he was. have some lovely young business/surfy guys staying in the house next door over the xmas break, they just invited me over for a drink (they asked twice - each time i went to my car) too sensible for that! but feel better for their attention

i'm ranting - sorry badperson, men huh?

thats the other problem.
where we live now, dd cant get into nursery school until next january when shes almost 4!, so she go's 2 half days at the minute to a private nursery(not too pricy though)..but obviously if we were to put her in everyday when shes 3, it will then start costing a fortune...on other hand..it is obvious we are going to have to move..we cant afford to 'live' here, i have her name down at a good school near our second from last house and the head said given the circumstances, to put my mums address down for now till we move and she will be fine for a place in april...
i either wait and risk her not being able to go to this school close by cos we wont live her, or take her from the nursery she loves, put her in a school in another town and still risk having to take her back out as we may not actuall be able to afford anything there anymore.
ive got so much going on in my head i feel im going to explode..ive been waking up each night feeling so worried that i been throwing up through the night

You know I think that CBT will be really good for you as it is perfect for helping you to sort out how you process your thoughts. It's been really good for me and combined with ad's it can be a very positive influence.
My dp has asked me to advise you to try to show a bit of affection to your dp. Even if you don't feel like it, being kind to him might open up a way of communicating and allow him to offer you some much needed support. I sense that you love him and don't want to give up on your relationship. Try telling him, it may help you on the road to recovery.

badperson you sound really stressed honey, your health sounds like its suffering terribly, do you have a good gp to talk to?

thanks gravity i get you now,.
also keep thinking back to how 'i' used to be..i was so popular..not gorgeous, but i always had someone thinking i was even if i wasnt going out with them, i was a nice person and nice people liked me, i had lots of friends male and female and was so enthusiastic about everything..now im just a selfpitying mess, i look like im ten years older than i am, dont look after myself..so who can blame him really..i seem like(and he thinks too) that ive given up on everything, no aspirations anymore, no passion for anything

carmenere, thankyou for asking your dp's opinion.

most of the time i feel cold towards him and as for sex, i have no interest although(sorry if tmi), we did sleep together over christmas and it was very loving and nice, lots of kissing and not just about the act.
if i ask him for a kiss at other times, he acts like ive just asked him to run up and down the stairs for no reason, like its a chore and then like when you ask a child to do something properly, i have to ask him for a proper one..its like he doesnt want too, whats the point.
i would love to be able to snuggle up with him for a kiss and cuddle, but when i first met him, that wasnt him..after a while, because i used to be such a lovey dovey person, we used to do that all the time..now its backa t the beginning like intamicy is unnessary

my gp is new gravity, but she seems nice, shes the one who refered me for cbt, i cant really go back to her if i havent botherd yet getting the tabs she prescribed over 3 weeks ago though

badperson has there been an event to trigger how you feel?

hi badperson, sorry your having a crap time. ive been put on tabs to stop my hormones working cause im such a misery and can get really too stressed. im the same in that before my 2 ds, now 14months i was happy, likeable, felt attractive, always told i had a lovely smile and had fun with my elder ds 11yrs, my phone rang constantly with all my mates. now my phone never rings unless its my mum checking on me, i feel ugly, worthless, boring and never smile!im so releived that im not alone, i hope you can see your gp and sort yourself out, its prompted me to go back to mine reading your story.x

You still are that gorgeous person that you think you used to be, you have just been snowed under by the shit that life throws at you. Try to reconnect with that bright and happy self inside and don't give up on cuddling your dp. Don't ask him to kiss you, just kiss him.
Sorry if I am sounding a bit 'therapised' I mean well.

i dont think so, small things seem like huge problems and i cant handle things well anymore.
i tried to talk to my health visitor before christmas, but she even had to ask me my name half way through conversation so i just thought whats the point.
ive rang this morning my cpn that used to come round, shes not in till next week, but she may be able to come back round for a chat, i dont know

is there anything you really enjoy doing for you?

hi 7777777, it does help to know your not alone, but we need to get out of it dont we.

carmenere, you sound great, like you really know me or know what your talking about.
you are all really helping, i am still sat here on and off crying and feeling guilty cos my dd is happily playing as if she 'knows' i need a bit of support

Well imo you have to ignore the small stuff and concentrate on the big things ie you, pnd, your relationship. You need help, and you have made a move to help yourself, so that at least is a step in the right direction.

gravity..i dont know, i dont think of myself anymore, i think thats what gets to dp, im such a contrast to who/what i used to be...i used to be a hairdresser then managed a mobile phone shop for 6 years with umpteen staff to sort out, interviews, targets, selling...now that sounds like a whole different person.

i honestly cannot answer your question..i dont know, sorry that sounds pathetic i know

Notabadperson (my new name for you, I urge you to go and change to it). I have been where you are and feel for you, and while I am a long way from being 100 percent on top of things I am feeling much more optimistic about life atm. I just wanted to let you know that there is a way out of these feelings.

i wont listen to that! and dont say it again - you are NOT pathetic!

when i got down, refused ad (tbh they scared the crap out of me at the time)my gp advised me to do something for myself once a day (i tried but i didnt do it every day) even if its just go for a walk by yourself somewhere pretty.... anything....my god girl your a hairdresser - you can work miracles, you need to dig deep and find you.