How do i make it better?

[badperson]

we've been together 11 years this year.
always had ups and downs, both stubbon and firey.
but i used to be so happy go lucky and laid back, now im suspicious, nasty and bad tempered.
we had a beuatiful dd whos three this year, she was planned but the lack of help and support from family wasnt.
it has caused a huge rift between us and i dont know how to get it back on the way to us wanting to be with eachother anymore.
yesterday, he said he cant talk to me cos i have a go at him straight away(yes but its normally when after no input, he contradicts my parenting), he spends almost all night everynight on an internet site, nothing dodgy and because i used to spend all my time on here, i dont really have an argument, he knows i am lonely and still he go's on, but i wonder if i am being unreasonable?, why shouldnt he be aloowed to chill out on the p.c..he tells me if i want to go out and visit friends, then im welcome too..but i dont.
in an argument weeks ago, he told me we are only together because of dd and we both know that, this makes me so sad cos i do love him, but i dont want to spend the rest of my life living here and there being such a cold atmosphere between us..its like we dont bother talking..he'll say 'ring me if you need anything getting from the shop today' (he works over road from supermarket)..and my reply is 'Milk'..not oh yes, we could do with some milk please...its me as mucha s him, i put no effort in with him, my family myself..i suppose im just blathering here, i wanted to email samaritans, but if they email back he may see it and i dont want that.
sorry for going on

I have to go now notabadperson but I will check on you later, try to have a good day.

and agree with carmenere - change your name!

thankyou Carmenere
ok, i once saw a thread on here which i thought described me to a tee..so ill change my name to that.
it sends shivers down my spine thinking of going out somewhere of an evening(only chance id get)..all my 'friends' have thier own little circles now..maybe i could go to a keep fit class..kill two birds with one stone.

im gunna ring dp cos visa bill near pc needs paying..do i just say hi..or hi babe..or what god i dont even know how to address hima anymore!

they say its like bike riding.... you never forget!you could do an evening out! i cant emphasise enough, you used to be a hairdresser (every hairdresser i have been to has a side to them that is diabolically fun and groovy - i know - go find it again!)

anything new always is scarey though, but once you make the step

ps - but dont scare dh or dd too much by changing too quick!!

hi sweetheart..... and say i love you at the end

i just said hi its me, but in an upbeast kinda way.asked him about visa, thenasked if he'd had a nice lunch..we chatted, he told me work was quiet, he was a bit bored and when i finished isais bye babe..didnt wait for reply or anything just put it down like that..he's prob thinking it was someone else on phone!

ive just rang local leisure place, to get details of late classes..some start at 8pm - 8.15pm so i could get dd to bed and go straight out..feel a bit stupid going on my own though!if i can handle going at all

honey I just read this thread, I so feel for you. Having a child, becoming a mother, reprioritising your life - big changes and no wonder you feel overwhelmed. It is easy to feel isolated and lonely and like you don't know who you are anymore, I feel that too sometimes. I hope you can find the support you need - here on MN, your gp, a councellor, if you reach out there are people to lean on. You are still the fabulous person, under all that domesticity! Take one day at a time, and try to find joy in little achievements - for me it's sometimes things like painting my nails! hope you have a good day.

Thats an excellent start to your new life, well done

im gunna take dd out for a walk shes been so good.
thanks everyone, ill be back later.x

swimminguphillthroughcustard - great name! love it!

you can do what ever you set your mind to!

if i lived in the same country as you would go with you!

but i promise you once you make the first step everything else that follows will just be so much easier.

good luck x

morning, thanks for the message.
i spoke more to dp last night just chatter but its better than a deadly silence, but he was wanting to watch football and i had bits to do so we carrie don, both still chatting. he said no when i asked him if he was going on computor, so i asked him if he wanted me to do his c.v(we made a huge mistake moving here cos of mortgage and we are trying to resolve it by moving/him working closer to area we move back too and me starting work one dd starts nursery), so instead of him being on pc all night it was me!, but it was doing something constructive, and he was already watching footy anyway, so i didnt 'leave' him alone.
he came up and asked me why id decided to do c.v and explained that he'd mentioned moving jobs and i was already looking for things myself, so i wanted to get the ball rolling..he seemed baffled that id shown and interest or regognition in what hed said and even more surprised i wanted to help us get sortedi must be such a lazy, uninterested person, but anyway..c.v done, universal cover letter done, 2 jobs for him to look at, im going on training course fri afty and ive emailed dwp about how i can sort out training/getting work and not lose out until i start actually earning.
ive been to leisure centre and got list of classes..not much doing after 8pm, so its going to be aquafit or boxersize(always fancied boxersixe, but will prob collapse afer 1 minute!
anyway, having a rare 'up' moment at minute, got washing and pots done, another wash ready, dd up, dressed and fed, took dp to work, went for my leaflets and catching up with the lovely people here..gunna have a tidy round the house and take dd to nursery at lunch time and maybe, just maybe i might trreat myself to a sit down and a cup of tea while she's there..oh and pick up my prescription, as i walked all way to chemist with dd yesterday only to realise it was in my other bag..dont suppose half a day with matter.
x

for the record I AM SO PROUD OF YOU!!!

well done!! it sounds like your night went quite good.

baffled is good - he can obviously see the change - i bet it will only get better over the next few days if you can keep at it!

xx

SUTC - good for you! It was great to read your post this morning, it sounds like you are on top of things and well on the road to feeling better!

Also it sounds like your dp is under a bit of pressure about your circumstances and he will really appreciate you helping and planning for the future. This is all really positive. I hope you have a lovely day

wow, i am so excited..
just spoke to dwp/jobcentre and appently, they will allow me to work on one of two options a- i can work as many hours a week but only earn £20, while still recieving my incap or b- i canwork less than 16 hours, earn less than £81 and still get incap for 26 weeks at which point they will reassess and either stop incap as long as im 100% or negotiate the payments!!!!!
so this means i can go get a job of an evening/weekend and even though it might only be £20, its still £20 that means £80 extra a month and me starting to get back into the land of the living!!!

just rang dp and although he sounded pleased at first..oh i dont know, im prob reading too much into things again

stop it!

let yourself be excited! you deserve it! and look it all seems to be working well!!!

just applied for a job with B&Q!!!

downside...New tabs say 'may' cause drowsiness...do not drive...just passed test and need to drive to take dd to nursery

Glad you liked my thread, SUTC. I still feel pretty custardly a lot of the time. Good expression, isn't it?

the best, couldnt describe me better!

hi everyone
had a good couple of days, me an dp speaking friendly and even manahged a few giggles last night, but i still spoil the moment by thinking wow it has been such a lng time since we laughed.but then this morning and tonight, when dp leaving the house, he's give me a kis..a nice kiss..nothing pornagraphic, but not one youd expect from your grnadma either..just a nice 'i want to kiss you' kiss

have booked to go to boxersize on tuesday evenings with my old driving instructer who's been my sounding board and my counseller...told dp tonight and he again looked pleased but surprised...think im gunna regret it by tuesday evening though cos lady at centre said it was quite high impact aaerobics..so ill be going in early to ask where i can change it so i dont die mid round house kick
after telling dp, he said so, i think i might go to driving range tonight?..in a sort of 'can i' way..i smiled and said yeah that sounds good..and i actually meant it, told him to have a nice time and everything..maybe im not such a nasty peice after all?..maybe i just need my head sorting..hopefully, the cbt counselling will do that, but not looking forward to taking tabs TBH..suppose im like most people, wondering weither i can do it on my own..when im 'up' i feeel i can, but when im down, it doesnt bare thinking of..anyway..got childminding intro course tomorrow..very nervous but booked extra 1/2 hour with nrsery for dd, so i dont have to flap and rush back..can feel my nervous stomach coming on now..wish me luck..i think im gunna need it

you dont sound like you need luck!!!

but good luck anyway honey

you seem to be on the way back - i'm even more proud of you today!

you guys will make this work, i wish you all the happiness in the world you clever girl!

thankyou gravity..really cheered me up, am flapping aroun cos have to get dd to eat her lunch, rush to nursery then find somewhere close to park..oh and get change for parking, must remember that!..god i bet you all do this without flinching and im flapping!

hun, if you knew my story all i do is flap. i wish no flinching!!! i am a falling apart mess! i wish i could make my current situation better!

i honestly think you are doing such a great job. reading back how you were at start of week to now. its fabulous! you are in for a good 2006!