Need to vent I have no one else to talk to.

[ThankyouWankyou]

and I'm too ashamed to talk to family.

Dh just went mad. He's smashed up a room upstairs, not too sure which room, it might be our bedroom. Don't won't to look yet.
Smashed the glass in the front door by throwing the stair gate through it. Spat his food out of his mouth in the kitchen and called our son a cunt.
Things have been tense here, it's been a long time since he's smashed up things though, but he flipped tonight.
I called him a twat, and shouted at him to stop smashing the front door, said I hated him.
Still don't know what triggered it off. I asked him what made him do that, he said it because of how I've been lately.
I hate it here at the moment. Feel lonely and trapped.

Hissy and snowy thank you

just that

this isn't my thread, nor my time but thanks for reminding me of the massive support that is here 24/7 x

Thank-you

In tears here, SO SO pleased you have got out, you are a brave lady & look what a kick it gave you to drive somewhere you thought you couldn't!!
(I remember that feeling 1st time on a motorway ....scary!)

Your MIL sounds like a lovely lady & she is right maybe you leaving will give your DH the kick up the arse he needs to get his life back on track. History is repeating itself with him damaged by his Dads rages, let's hope you can break that cycle with your DC's.

Keep us posted as to your progress, but the very best of luck for the future!

Bravo OP.

Your MIL is wise to insist that you drove yourself as your first step towards independence.

This is further in the future, but I would be wary of her offer to buy you a house: your own independence is the goal, and sympathetic as she may be, she is still you husband's mother, and a link for him to get at you. Just a thought.

For now, take care of yourself. Be a rock for your DC. Call on all the help you need: you've already called on your MIL, which is a breakthrough after keeping all this horribleness to yourself for so long. There is LOADS more help out there, just waiting for you to say the word: friends, your GP, a therapist, WA, the police, CAB, solicitors... there is plenty of support waiting in the wings for you.

Good luck. I am so pleased to read of your resolve.

Brilliant! You've done so well! Any time it gets tough in future, you can look back and think, 'I didn't think I could drive on the Mway, but I COULD!" this is just the beginning of your new life. Keep in touch. And CONGRATULATIONS!!!(BTW, Agree with ItsMe, MiL may be totally genuine in wanting to help but she could end up torn between you)

Wow! Just WOW! Well done TY! Proud so doesn't go anywhere near what I feel for you now!

Thanks for the good vibes. Feel a bit of a fraud though, starting to feel confused and bit guilty.

Me and MIL talked again, and she now believes its better to try and get housed with the council/housing association as opposed to her buying a house like first thought. Which is fine by me, I don't mind, just as long as I can feel settled.

We are privately renting at the moment. DH is self employed with his business that he's been trying to build up for the past 2 years. I stay at home to look after the DC and everything else. I am planning on going back to the house this Monday coming, with the agreement that DH moves out and gives me space in the meantime.

I called my local council to ask them for advice, and Im booked in for an appointment on that Monday in the office to talk with me about housing.

I told DH I wanted to move into a house by myself with the kids, and that the appointment on monday will help me to apply for it. He was so shocked. He believed that I would come back with the kids, and that we kind of work through our problems, say the sorries etc, and carry on like we normally do. I could tell he was really gutted and worried, it is going to be over for us.

He told me again it wasn't me, and that the problems all lay with him, and how he finds it impossible to reign in his temper at times when he's really stressed with a lot on his mind. Im feeling sorry for him now, because i do honestly feel it really isn't his fault he's like the way he is, but because of the way he was brought up, he just hasn't really ever been given the tools in life to help him deal with what he went through in his childhood.

I told him that just because we will live separately, doesn't mean we cant still try to work on our relationship. we could still do counselling.

MIL advised to go to the council on Monday and tell them we privately rent, my Partner is self employed but he has walked out, we have separated and he is not paying the rent, and as a STAH mum, cannot afford the 850 rent by myself, and to ask what the options are. Is this a good idea?

If im honest, im starting to feel like im over reacting. Not for being cross with DH and leaving, but for the resolve of moving out for good. Im wondering if im being too rash. Im wondering if we can work through the problems and still both stay at home. He told me that if we were to move out, then he would have to give up the business, as our large house doubles as a work place as well as our home. I dont want that for him because alot of money, headache, stress, sleepless nights and time have been poured into this project, and I dont want to see it go. We have a really good thing going. DH has said before in the past, he is willing to sell everything, and go back to working a normal job, for the sake of us, as he knows he is so preoccupied and inundated with work, if it means it will help us to stay together. But I told him to stick at it. But if I were to leave, it would mess up everything, and he would be forced to sell up irregardless.

You are right

Go back to the man who called your dc a cunt

it's for the best

He is trying to guilt trip you. He's trying to make you feel bad and it's working. You've done so well to come this far, dont make the mistake, and it would be a mistake, of going back.

He will be fine on his own and if his business goes tits up then that's down to him.

And if you are a SAHM then he obviously pays the rent, his financial position won't change. Which means he can stay there and so can the business. Sorted

I should have said find yourself your own place to rent. It's too easy to let him back in to the house you once shared. He'll pop in to pick something up which he left behind and he won't bloody go again.

Love, we all think we're over reacting.

We're not. Just because you live with this, doesn't make it right. What's changed? Nothing! Only YOUR reaction to it. Tell the story to a stranger and the horror of what he's done with rock them to their very core. You know it, &we know it.

We all understand how life would be so much easier if it all just went away, but love, it won't. It really won't.

Please read your thread again, until you see what horror your husband's actions provoke here. Please protect your boy.

I know what you are going through. My former husband who i left for the last time at the beginning of this month was exactly the same except he would get physical too. If you arent careful it will eventually esculate to that point. You cant stay with someone just because you have got child(ren) by them. I tried to. I should have left him a long time ago. It is NOT your fault, sometimes marriaged just dont work out. Maybe i was too young or maybe its that people change. I know mu husband did. Get yourself out of the situation for a couple of weeks and see how you feel then. what ever you decide, try to do whats right for you and the children and living on eggshells or in fear is not for the best. All the best of luck. x

Frankly, your mil's idea is as crap as your own about returning to the house and having him move out.

You're best advised to keep the appointment with the Council and tell them that you moved out of the marital home on x date because of your h's violence and that you are homeless. Take your dc and some suitcases with you.

Say that your mil was good enough to offer you a temporary roof over your head so that you didn't have to go into a women's refuge but you can't stay with her any longer.

Your local authority is legally obliged to provide accomodation for you and the dc; this may be in the form of emergency housing possibly in a b&b or privately rented accomodation pending an offer of permanent social housing which may be a council owned or a housing association property.

In this way your h gets to stay in the house and is able to carry on with the business uninterrupted thus ensuring that money keeps rolling in for him to be able to pay child support.

If the Council tries to wriggle out of its legal obligations is not immediately forthcoming emergency accomodation ask them to supply you with the phone number of a local Women's Aid Project and use the Council's phone to call and ask for a place in a refuge.

Alternatively, you can skip the Council and go direct to Women's Aid and ask for place in a refuge where workers will help you deal with all the necessary forms for housing, benefits etc.

You haven't over-reacted. You have taken the only possible course of action to prevent your dc being adversely affected by your h's inability to control his anger.

If you feel that your relationship with your h has a chance of being salvaged you can explore this from a distance in the safety and security of your own (entirely separate from h & mil) accomodation.

It may be that if he has counselling or attends an anger management course your h may be able to turn himself around, but if you don't make a stand now and show him (and mil) that you mean business he'll have no incentive to change his ways.

Showing him that you can get it together to live separately with the dc may stand you in good stead should you reconcile at some future date because he'll know that if you can do it once, you can do it again.

You need not to feel sorry for him. I felt sorry for my ex husband for so long, for god sake he ended up stabbing me in the leg and i still felt sorry for him. If you tell the council the way he has been acting, and say that you are staying with family, then they should count you as homeless, state that you fear for the children and your own safety. State that it will be damaging and they will help. Its what i was doing a fortnight ago, you will have to make a police report but as i said that the past is dead and gone and now you just want to move on and get your life sorted out. You can report it online, if that makes it easier than going into the police station, but the police will have to attend to speak to you. Good luck and keep in touch. And well done you. You are doing the right thing. x

Don't lie to the council about why you have moved out. I know your MIL has taken you in but she sounds quite controlling too - first she offers to buy a house for you to rent meaning she gets to keep tabs on you, then she says go to council and lie.
She is his mum - Im not saying she condones what he has done but he will always be her son. Go to your own family or at least talk to them.

MIL advised to go to the council on Monday and tell them we privately rent, my Partner is self employed but he has walked out, we have separated and he is not paying the rent, and as a STAH mum, cannot afford the 850 rent by myself, and to ask what the options are. Is this a good idea?

As already advised, this is a crap idea and it's also a pack of lies. If you tell these lies to the Council, your MIL will forever have you by the short and curlies.

Leave your h in situ and look to find accomodation that will be exclusively your own.

I can understand that you feel reluctant to put blame on your H for being a shitbag because of his horrible childhood. But really you have to think 'Oh dear how sad never mind' and prioritize yourself and DC. It's up to your H to seek professional help and stop throwing violent tantrums: he's either nice enough to do that, or he's not, and if he's not, then he's a total shitbag and won't improve, and you can cut yourself right off from him. Because no matter how horrible his past, how fractured his poor throbbing heart, how fragile his self-esteem, he is not entitled to make your lives hell because of it.

SGVB

Well said.

Even when they do get help it doesnt always do any good, in fact counselling made my ex- husband worse. You arent lying when you say you live on egg shells, because you must when he has his hissy fits, do you not ever wonder who the child in the family actually is? Get to the council. And as soon as you can get away from his family too, she will always try to protect him, and he wont leave the property, and do you really want him to know where it is you are living, if you live in fear you could even go to a different council as long as you have a local connection ie you have a relative that has lived there for more than five years and remember that you have absolutely NOTHING to be ashamed of. You need to do it now, or you will find yourself going back and forth. Things dont get better, take it from someone who knows, i suppose there are men out there like it that do improve. Look after your child and yourself. He has his mum he can go to.And the council are only likely to find you a refuge place, but i would advise you take it, in case your MIL turns nasty. x