Need to vent I have no one else to talk to.

[ThankyouWankyou]

and I'm too ashamed to talk to family.

Dh just went mad. He's smashed up a room upstairs, not too sure which room, it might be our bedroom. Don't won't to look yet.
Smashed the glass in the front door by throwing the stair gate through it. Spat his food out of his mouth in the kitchen and called our son a cunt.
Things have been tense here, it's been a long time since he's smashed up things though, but he flipped tonight.
I called him a twat, and shouted at him to stop smashing the front door, said I hated him.
Still don't know what triggered it off. I asked him what made him do that, he said it because of how I've been lately.
I hate it here at the moment. Feel lonely and trapped.

I hope you and your DC are safe this morning. Everyone on here cares about you and your DC and want what's best for you. I've lived through it and come out of it. Pm me if you want to. Thinking of you. big hug.

OP, I was in a marriage much like yours too. I'm out, I'm free, and I'm happier than I've ever been. No-one should have to live in fear in their own home: not you, not your child, no-one.

This is not a normal relationship that I can just walk away from

It's not a normal relationship, you're right about that. But you CAN walk away. You can. So many on this board, and on this thread have. So can you. We were all just as scared and confused as you are now at one time, but we are all proof that it is possible.

he just has anger management problems
No one knows this about him. How he can lose it so spectacularly.

Do you see how those two statements contradict each other? If he had an anger management problem, he would lose it with everyone. Instead, he chooses you - and your child - as the target of his abusive rages. Believe me, his anger is very, very managed. It is intended to pull you in line. It is a manipulation tactic, and it is intimidation. You do not deserve this treatment.

There is nothing you could do to deserve violent intimidation like that.
There is nothing your child could do to deserve being called a cunt.

A responsible adult would know better than to do what your husband did, however angry he or she might feel. Your husband is not a responsible adult: he is an abuser.

I'm not in real danger, he won't hit me or kids

but its fine to call them foul names and terrify them? they must be very very frightened, I would be.

nice

I'll have the kids in the back, don't want to jepodise their safety.

lol at this

lol again

ditzy FFS.....what's to "lol" about?????

This poor lass is so mentally & emotionally abused she can't see which way is up, (sorry to be blunt TY but you are) she doesn't need to be further ridiculed on here which may be her only souce of comfort & help.

She has already said she is an inexperienced driver so although we are all concerned that she gets out, maybe driving in the state she was last night is NOT the most sensible idea.

OP, I think that some of the responses you are getting are fairly harsh and insensitive. I also think that some of them may be from those who hace succesfully left an abusive marriage. Others may be from people who have no real experience of living in a violent relationship and how paralysing and demeaning it can be for the people on the recieving end.
I wanted to let you know that I dearly hope you find the courage to do something about this.
I think you are very mistaken if you believe this is anything other than a violent relationship in which you and your DS are the victims and he is the aggressor. To call a two year old a cunt is an act that conveys a degree of hate and malevolence to a child who is entitled to view the world as a safe and benevolent place to live in.
Neither you nor your child should be exposed to living in a house where you feel as if you are walking on eggshells. My opinion would be that it is only a matter of time before your child is physically hurt, either through direct attack or inadvertently injured by flying glass etc.
I am 43 and hold down a job that is respected by many and is not often reached by most at this age. I am married and I have two pre school children, I earn four times the average salary. so by many, albeit superficial, measures I should be happy with my lot and consider my self succesful.
However I carry with me a constant sense of shame and find forming and maintaining relationships extremely difficult. I am unable to sustain any relationships with my family.
My sense of shame does not come from anything I have done, rather it comes from my experiences of being abused as a child. This abuse was only rarely physical and never sexual. It took the form of being in constant fear of my fathers next explosion of rage, always when it was only my mother and I where at home and my much older siblings were out. These explosions would frequently involve smashing things, being verbally discusting to my mother and I and frequently threatening to kill the both of us. i would frequently wet myself through abject fear and would feel rooted to the spot and unable to help my mother.
In seeing my oldest child now reaching the age at which I can recall memories of my childhood, many of my experiences are flooding back and causing me considerable pain.
For many years my mother and I were clear on how abusive my father had been. Recently though I have had to acknowledge that my mother was complicit in my abuse as she failed to do what I couldn't and she should have i.e. flee this relationship and make us both safe. That is a dreadful thing to admit to yourself and also never share with your mother. But the feeling of knowing that my mum could have been protective and wasn't is a painful one.
Over the years my parents have continued to seperate/re-concile and during the seperations I am always the one that has to look after my mothers well being which I find almost too much to bear. I have stopped calling my parents house as I am scared my father will answer and I really dont want to talk to him, however if he does answer I run the risk of provoking him into another rage which my mum has to deal with alone and several hundred miles away. I cant speak to my brothers as they too could have saved me but didn't. I rarely return to my parents house as I cant bear to be in the room when my mum and siblings chat happily, whilst I sit there thinking, "we, all of us, know the horrible things he done to me as a child and adolescent and we pretend it didn't happen.
Some will think this post is too long, but I wanted to let you have a look at what your son may feel like in forty years.
Please dont let him grow up with that constant sense of shame and fear, it pervades every part of your life.
You are in a shitty situation in your relationship with your husband. But you are in a responsible situation with your son. The choice is not yours to make, you have to make the choice for your son that he could if only he were able.
Please end this for both of you.
Take care of yourselves.

OP I understand about the driving. But there are other roads than motorways, and if even 4 hours is too long to face, there are Travel Lodges.

Bossy is right about being in agood driving state, though.

"Recently though I have had to acknowledge that my mother was complicit in my abuse as she failed to do what I couldn't and she should have i.e. flee this relationship and make us both safe. That is a dreadful thing to admit to yourself and also never share with your mother. But the feeling of knowing that my mum could have been protective and wasn't is a painful one."

Oh TasteslikeChicken You have me in tears. Both for you as a little girl and for me realising that I DID do a good thing in ending the relationship FOR THE SAKE OF my son. We are ALL guilty of thinking that we need to stay FOR THE SAKE OUR OUR CHILDREN, when really it's the opposite. You poor love, have you thought of therapy to allow yourself to see this for what it really is and to let yourself off the hook you seem to be on? Have you posted on the Stately Homes thread?

ThankYou, love, a 4 hour journey is a long one. I would scare me too in one go, but you can plan a route, and stop on the hour.

Heck if you plan a route and give us rough locations, we can perhaps see if a service station meet up relay could get you 'home'

Motorways are fast, but they are straight and simple. Just go steady and pull off and stop when you need to and you will get there.

Im still here, thanks fore the thoughts and advice.
Can't post much yet as I have to get the children off to bed but maybe later.
I will go to mil house tomorrow and will stay there for a few days or so. Just to clear my head and plan what I'm going to do.
Thanks again for the thoughts, even the not so nice ones. I know I'm gutless. But I'm finding this really hard.
Will try and post later.

You are NOT gutless. You are afraid, you are worn down and you are confused.

Every single woman who has been in an abusive relationship has been exactly where you are standing now. Even the ones that are OUT.

It IS hard. But is 100% neccessary and actually the ONLY option you have. You can't stay in this mess. You really can't. We will be here with you every second of the way if that is what is needed.

I'm hoping that the stay at MILs will show you that this is not right and that you have to do something about this.

Can you please call WA from home or from your MIL and talk things through with them? please?

What Hissy said. We understand you feel weak right now; use the strength on here to get you through this stage. I like the meeting at Service Stations plan, can't help but wishing you all the best.

tasteslikechicken your post has made me cry and cry.

One day I need to get it all out. Yours was my childhood and early adult life. I dread Xmas, I dread family occasions. I cannot bear to sit and chat, but I do it, somehow. I don't know why.

Sorry for the hijack, OP, I wish you so well. But most of all I wish you the strength and the means to protect your children.

Lovely relay idea hissy

Anyfucker and Hissy thanks for your comments. My last post was the first time I've physically written down what my experience was. I didn't write it to excorcise anything in my past; I've learned to live with that hopefully in a reasonably succesful way.

I just felt compelled to share my story with thank you in the hope that she would see just how damaging this environment is for her child, it is more toxic than most would understand or comprehend. That's from an adult point of view, God knows what sense thank you's child makes of it in the here and now.
thank you I am sat in my children's bedroom now, grateful that they are at last falling asleep in a safe environment where they feel valued. I didn't have a map for how to be a good dad but they give me plenty of guidance!! (chocolate frogs seem to be the right thing to do !!!).

I am also mindful that you are sat at home not feeling loved and valued, please value yourself and your DS and make the decision you need to, however scary it is.

I dont know because I've never been in an abusive relationship but I think once you have mae the decision to leave, which I think is your only one, you will feel liberated, potent and in charge of your own life and that of your sons and his future.

I hope you can make the brave step, and I hope this thread continues to provide the support that you need. Looking at some of the other posts there are a lot of people on here who will stick with you, dont underestimate how powerfull that is. It's not just acomputer screen.

Take care of both of you.

x

thanks for posting tlc (see what I did there ? smile] )

OP, how are you feeling this evening ?

thankyou, please remember to take your important docs with you. ((hugs))

What's up? Any news? Hope all OK

You're looking for excuses not to put a stop to this. And you're finding loads of them, however trivial. One day you'll wake up and look back and realise that he's got you just as he wants you. What would you say to your friends, children, family in the same situation?

AF, I can't tell you how much support I got when going through the breakup and escape. You were one of the ones that MOST supported me.

I'd walk a thousand miles on burning coals for you, and I know I'll not be the only one to think the same. Whenever you are ready, you will find a place to open up. I never started my own thread post escape, but the NPD thread helped, and the establishment of the Emotional Abuse Support Thread really aided my recovery and enabled me to 'discuss' stuff, and eventually find the strength to seek RL support.

Whenever you find your space, you know it will be filled with love, and filled by many, MANY of us.

As in the case of our ThankYou here, you will know when the time is right.

ThankYou, you let us know what you need and when you need it.

Also wishing you the strength to leave.

I have been in your position TY, and also found it hard to extricate myself and he DC's.
I also had similar threads and responses when I joined MN in the middle of the nightmare.
The longer the DC's endure the situation, the more damage that is done, and I know because I grew up in similar circumstances and my Mother had had it drilled it into her by her family that it was her duty to stay, and she had no-one
My father never hit me, but the smashing things, on one occasion I recall him picking up a heavy Oak table and throwing it in rage. At 42 I am astounded at the impact my childhood still has on me even now.

But I didn't get my Ex to leave and my poor DC's endured a homelife that no child should have knowledge of ,
But it is like living in a fog and your bench marks for reasonable behaviour become so blurred that making what seems to be the obvious rational decision to many of us, doesn't have that clarity when you are in the middle of it.

Each day that the child lives in that environment is compounding the damage, and when, and I hope for you and your DC's you it as soon as possible, you move on, each day them becomes a day of healing. The ,longer they are there, the longer it takes

It took me 1 1/2 years of thinking I could fix things after I had been advised to leave, to take the steps to change our lives for the better.

Your children do deserve to a life without fear, and someone pointed out to me, they only get one childhood,, but equally as importantly, as someone who is going to have to be their rock, so do you.

AF: what Hissy said.

me again,
sorry i did not return to update like I said I would. Once the kids were in bed, I didnt have the energy to write anything. Was in bed at 7pm through til this morning.

We are at my MIL's with the strict instruction that we are to stay here for as long as we like. MIL keeps apologising profusly on behalf of her son, and can sympathise with my situation, especially because she went through the same with DH's father when she was with him. He was abusive too, physically as well, and has on occasion said to me how she sees alot of her ex husband's traits in her son.

Driving up was the most nerve wracking thing, but I did it! very exhilarating. MIL refused to come and get us, and said I needed to take the step of motorway driving, as my first baby step to independence. The reason why I was so reluctant to motorway drive was because a) For any long distance driving, DH had to make sure he was with me, as I couldn't go by myself, and b) Within a week or so of passing my test, I decided I wanted to drive us all on a day out. But I was still wary of driving on the faster, busier roundabouts and carriageways, opting instead to go quieter routes, until my confidence improved. But on the way home, DH lost his temper with me for my over cautious driving, swore and shouted, told me to get out the car and swap seats, and was ill tempered the rest of the way home. Even though he apologised for his behavior later on that day, and said there was nothing wrong with my driving, and that he was wrong, the damage had been done, and even now, when someone is in the car with me, I get shakey nervous. When DH is with me, I dont drive, I let him drive us.

Even though its early days, I strongly feel that I wont be with him anymore. MIL has offered to buy a house that we can rent from her, for just us 3, not her son, and said it will be the best thing for us all in her opinion. Just me dd and ds, in a house that is practically ours, and where I wont be hasselled or annoyed or bothered with DH. I wont have to clear up after him, or have the bother of him around, just us. Then, she said, if you want to go to your mums (4hrs away) or if I want to visit MIL (1hr away) I can just jump in the car and go, without needing his permission. I do like that idea, even though its daunting, but still need to think everything through thouroughly on where we are finally going to settle. She said she will support me with whatever.

I also think I need to give credit where credit is due, in that although DH has many issues, he has a very genuine heart and he loves us all dearly. He has issues stemming from when he was young and being exposed to his fathers rages, and at one point nearly killed himself before seeking professional help.
The psychiatry helped alot, but it still hangs over his head. ANd just once in a while he will just give into the demons and behave how he did the other night.
It is definatly wrong, Im not justifying it at all, I just understand why he is the way he is.

I told him he needs to go back and seek help again, because he has so much more to lose in this stage of his life. I think he will. MIL told me not to go back to him until he gets help and makes progress, and not going back will give that kick up the arse that he needs.

So proud of you well done keep us updated. Can't stop smiling for you