Need to vent I have no one else to talk to.

[ThankyouWankyou]

and I'm too ashamed to talk to family.

Dh just went mad. He's smashed up a room upstairs, not too sure which room, it might be our bedroom. Don't won't to look yet.
Smashed the glass in the front door by throwing the stair gate through it. Spat his food out of his mouth in the kitchen and called our son a cunt.
Things have been tense here, it's been a long time since he's smashed up things though, but he flipped tonight.
I called him a twat, and shouted at him to stop smashing the front door, said I hated him.
Still don't know what triggered it off. I asked him what made him do that, he said it because of how I've been lately.
I hate it here at the moment. Feel lonely and trapped.

You are living in an impossible situation. That's why you feel guilty, ashamed and inadequate. It's always like that when there's the 'elephant in the room', be it violence, aloholism, whatever. You must get him out of your life. Ignore all his threats, you will get help if you ask for it.

For god's sake, OP, what could a 2 year old do for his father to smash up the house? He would have been acting like a 2 year old, that's what he was doing.

It's incredibly frustrating watching you fend off all the good advice. It's clear you're going to stay and clear up the mess and try to forget about it until it happens next time.

Do you really think you're being a good mum by doing this? Your children will have been terrified and yet they will already have learned to lock away their feelings and to hope and pray he doesn't do it again. Do you know how it feels to be a child who is waiting silently for an angry man to smash up the house? If you do, shame on you now.

It seems to come down to him being spineless and you being gutless.

Had you had the guts to call the police, he would have been removed from the house and you would be in a postion to apply for non-molestation and occupation Orders which would have enabled you and the dc to remain in the marital home until such time as matters of finance and his contact with the dc were resovled.

At the very least, this would have bought you time to consider your longer term future and would have given him opportunity to show if he is willing to change his ways by attending anger management classes.

As it is, you're now about to clear up the trail of devastation he left in his wake when he embarked upon his orgy of destruction.

You may be able to remove the physical evidence of his appalling behaviour, but you won't be able to sweep the damage that has been done to your dc under the carpet for very much longer.

I know

This won't go on forever. I'll do something about it.

The OP is being abused too, don't be too hard on her, she needs a bit of support to deal with the situation. I reckon Women's Aid ^ top of page

FFS you need to grow some, woman.

He snapped at something his 2yr old did? Next time he 'snaps', you snap right back at him and tell the fucker to get the fuck out of the house or you'll have the police remove him.

Or could it be that you're not quite so certain that he won't hit me or kids?

Do something NOW!!!! Its not to late to call the police. The world won't end if you do you know

Agree with baby; phone Women's Aid too. Phone somebody, don't just leave it to fester again. This will not get better on its own.

OI, oi oi! Back the FUCK off the lot of you! The last 4 posters need to ZIP it NOW please!

Oh bugger, not the last four, but you will know who I mean!

Just another voice saying get out or even better get him out.

I lived with this (among other stuff for years) my husband was mentally ill and I permanently made excuses for why he did what he did. He did not ever hit me either although he DID put his hands round my throat and pull me round by my hair (me and my hairdresser used to joke about a bit at the back on the right hand side that didn't grow the same length as the the left, er, yes it did he was just ripping it out too often to let it get that long. It took me AGES to put two and two together and realise why the hair was missing).

I finally found myself in a position to leave. My poor children HATE him and are terrified of him but only felt able to tell me when we finally left (they are not his and now refuse to have anything to do with him).

Now I am finally out I look back and cannot believe what I lived through. It will sound wrong but I still care very much for my ex and totally forgive him (although I will never forgive myself for what I made my children live with for far too long). He is a good man who has lived through some horrendous experiences through his job (he was a soldier). He has retained most of his humanity and most of the time is a lovely person.

BUT, seriously, seriously find a way to make it stop - police tonight actually sound like a good idea as it will put you in a position to get him out (let him go to his Mum and you stay where you are with DC).

It is not unfair or unkind (I beat myself up sooooooo much when I finally left) it is SURVIVAL for you and your children. And even if you don't think you need it/deserve it, you must know they do.

Whatever you decide to do I hope you know there is always support here. Good luck. xxxxx

this is not the way to bolster and support a mother in an abusive environment. Yes I am as frustrated as you that she doesn't want to call the police, but it's a scary thing to do. For her she feels it has ramifications.

ThankYou: My love. You know what situation you are in. You know it's unhealthy for ALL of you. Your children are being directly exposed to domestic abuse. In the eyes of SS, they would be classified as being abused themselves.

This man is abusive, classically so. He will eventually hit you and the DC. He has already smashed stuff up, and is expecting you to clear it up. DON'T.

Get yourself, and the DC, RIGHT NOW and go to his mothers and TELL her what he has done. Tell her that it was either you go to her, or that you call the Police. I still think you need to do that, to log the event, to start to compile the support you WILL need to protect yourself in the future.

Your MIL needs to call him and tell him to make the house safe for her GC. I don't think he would take it from you.

Then you need to start coming around to the idea that things WILL get worse, and worse and worse. They will never get any better.

Please understand that this is nothing YOU have done, will ever do, think, say, feel. None of this is about you ThankYou. This is HIS choice to abuse his family.

You have to protect them, at worst he will recruit your DC and use them to abuse you more, or he will directly abuse them. OR your DS will grow up and abuse HIS WIFE or his children. Literally the only thing you can do now is to save your DC, and yourself, and the only way to do that is to find the truth in your head which is to LEAVE.

Be careful, when they know you are leaving is the most dangerous time. You could be killed, your DC could be killed. It is THAT serious.

Call Women's Aid for help, RL support and advice how to get out. There IS no plan B. CAB can help you WRT to benefits/help etc. Please use every single resource there is to GET OUT.

Please? For your DC? for YOU?

The OP has support Julia. She has her family and his dm but she doesn't want to alert anyone to the horrendous state of her marriage because of her misplaced pride.

The alarms have been clanging in the OP's ears for some considerable time but, until she takes action to protect them, her dc have no option but to continue paying the price of her failure to heed the warning bells.

OK, well you are not feeling strong enough to call the police. Yet. But ask yourself, how far would he have to go for you to do this? He already called your son a c*n!
Firstly:
Stop making excuses for his behaviour.
Secondly:
Stop making excuses for your behaviour. (i.e not taking action to protect your son from abuse).
Seriously, I know you are in a very bad place right now and won't feel strong enough, but he will never stop unless you let other people know how badly he is behaving.
It is very hard I know but you will feel better if you deal with this situation. Otherwise for a start your son will likely grow up thinking it is ok to smash up his wife's house and speak to you like crap. There are plenty of organisations to help you - starting with the police. Be strong and good luck. You haven't done anything wrong to deserve this. x

Oh, I am another one that got out by the way, my life is like Night and Day compared with how it was. Once you are out you wonder what on earth kept you.

You will eventually look back and laugh in incredulity! I promise!

Life does get better, trust me!

My ex was like this too. IRS a thin line between smashing up his home and workroom ( his livelihood) and smashing up his wife and kids

Is his anger getting worse?

Does he react like this with friends or family?

*its

And when you do leave and he wants access you will need to either give him unsupervised access or, if you contest that, you will need proper evidence against him. So it's vital you call the police now, to get it on record for the future. V v important

Totally agree with Hissy.

When you finally get out and start to feel normal it is like walking out of a nasty horror film; unreal. While you are in it you don't realise how bad it is and when you get out you can't believe it really happened.

But Life honestly gets better so quickly. My friend told me a couple of days ago I looked beautiful, not because I had lost weight which is what I was putting feeling more attractive down to but because she said I used to have a haunted look like I was worried all the time. Now she said I was glowing and happy inside. And I knew she meant it and it was true because it is how I am feeling.

I know nobody can make you do anything you are not ready for but please think about how you are going to get yourself out of this. 26 is nothing - I am 42 and my life is just beginning.

Again, best of luck xx

I can understand folks frustration at the OP's dithering but ladies you are all strong independant women, some of whom have been there yourselves. Give the OP a break it's SO hard.

The complete mindf8ck of an abusive man just grinds you down & so rational thought gets skewed doesn't it?

Keep posting TY, but please if you can summon the courage, take the kids & go to MIL or at least ring her.

So it's vital you call the police now, to get it on record for the future. V v important Yes yes yes!

Please call them x

OP, you don't deserve this kind of life. Please call the police, for you and your DS.

Big hugs.

How was last night? How's today going? Hope you are ok.