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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Frustration with sex

62 replies

DadIsSad · 13/11/2011 04:41

Somehow we had sex tonight (or is that last night now?) First time in over 3 years. I'd been being grumpy all day due to being injured so not going out doing what we'd planned on today (and not really doing anything else instead), so amazed it happened at all today of all days - maybe it was out of sympathy? The trouble is it didn't really happen properly - don't have a problem with getting an erection, but I did have a problem with completing. Eventually DW got frustrated and upset and I had to stop. I think I could live with the frustration, but really not happy at upsetting her.

Not feeling any less grumpy (not having sex has been a significant factor in my depression) and now I can't sleep, so doubtless I'll be even more grumpy tomorrow. I don't know whether I should feel happy that it seems having sex is no longer totally out of the question, though I'm not sure after that, which didn't really end well for either of us, how many years it will be before we try again. I'm not about to get any better at sex with the amount of practice I'm getting.

Can't see how anybody on here is likely to help at all, but I need to unburden - DW is happily asleep, not that I'm sure how to discuss this with her anyway.

OP posts:

LeBOF · 13/11/2011 06:06

You sound very glass half empty- are you depressed?

BroodyHell · 13/11/2011 09:08

LeBof he says he is depressed in his post.

Dadissad - Maybe you couldn't complete because of pressure/because it had been so long so you were over thinking? Don't be too hard on yourself.

Have you spoken to your wife about your sex life? It also sounds like you need to talk your gp about how you are feeling.

Good luck

pink4ever · 13/11/2011 09:20

Have you not had sex in 3 years due to ed problems? If so have you discussed this with your gp because thats a loooooooooong time to go without sex?

I hope things perk up for you both in the future.

TooEasilyTempted · 13/11/2011 09:47

I could be wrong but from what you've said, I'm imagining it was unplanned and very 'mechanical' (sorry, can't think if a better word).

Are you both working towards getting your sex life back on track?

I think that a slow build up is better in situations like yours, plan a relaxing evening but leave sex off the agenda for now... candles, a glass of wine with lots of kisses and cuddles and maybe a massage with no expectations of anything more for now, and take it from there.

After 3 years you need to work on getting the closeness back and whilst for some couples, 'getting straight back in there works', it doesn't sound like its going to work for you.

Original poster

DadIsSad · 13/11/2011 10:09

"Have you not had sex in 3 years due to ed problems?" no - I thought I said I didn't have that problem. She's not been interested.

Yes I'm depressed - have been off and on for a few months.

Not sure how best to put this, but I think part of the problem might have been that it's a bit loose down there - we've had 2 children since we last had a proper sex life.

OP posts:

Housewifefromheaven · 13/11/2011 10:17

Women all over the world have 2 (or more) kids and still have a satisfying sex life. Are you saying that you can't 'feel' her? Or did she have a bad birth?

OneHandFlapping · 13/11/2011 10:24

What is the rest of your life together like, DadIsSad? Are you loving towards each other? Do you share each other's problems and burdens? Do you help each other out? Are you physically affectionate?

Or have you reached a state of stand off, where you're both locked in your own resentment and misery?

NatashaBee · 13/11/2011 10:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

keynesian · 13/11/2011 10:46

If you've been masturbating regularly then you're probably become used to that and it will take some time to accustom yourself to the fit and feel of any woman regardless of whether she's given birth or not.

fiventhree · 13/11/2011 17:38

There are a few obvious issues here, surely?

It has been three years. You want more, not surprisingly. So the pressure to 'do it well', whatever that means, is enormous. She is either unconfident, uncertain, or has lost her way on the sex issue. So she is unlikely to have said or done the things which make her lack of tightness a complete irrelevance to you. Really, that is not the issue, even if it isnt perfect in that way after 2 children.

PigletJohn · 13/11/2011 17:52

I agree with keynsian.

It probably won't help if I say keep at it, try not to get downhearted. It may help if you both take plenty of time to get warmed up. Some women seem to think foreplay isn't for men.

You might find some positions are better, especially if her legs are more together. Oralising each other can be emotionally satisfying. You may feel more lively in the mornings.

Best wishes!

pink4ever · 13/11/2011 18:44

Well telling her she has a fanjo like a baggy old sock is hardly going to endear you to her is it

TheOriginalFAB · 13/11/2011 18:48

How would you feel if she said she wasn't too baggy, it was you that was too small?

stevies · 13/11/2011 19:22

Maybe she is avoiding sex because she knows she is not as tight as she was before giving birth.

LittleWarmHouse · 13/11/2011 19:54

I have read your posts before OP and I know you are very troubled about this. I am glad things happened for you as you seemed to be at stalemate before.

It sounds as though your worry is that the bad experience your DW may have had will put her off repeating the performance. Would it help if you made a lovely fuss of her, told her how pleased you are that you tried again, and that you really want to get it right and give her pleasure? All that is true isn;t it?

I am in the odd position of having started a relationship with a lovely man who spent TEN YEARS in your position of longing for sex with a DW who wasn't interested. He is so delighted to be having regular sex again but like you finds it difficult to relax and enjoy it for many complicated reasons. I am optimistic that lots of practice will sort things out

PigletJohn · 13/11/2011 22:07

pink4ever
"Well telling her she has a fanjo like a baggy old sock is hardly going to endear you to her is it"

What makes you think he told her that?

AnyFucker · 13/11/2011 22:20

has your DW had confirmation from a qualified gynaecologist that she is "a bit loose down there " ?

because that scenario is actually (physically) very rare

PigletJohn · 13/11/2011 22:32

You might be right, AnyFucker, but when I was young I had sex with at least one young woman who had not had babies, and now I have had sex with at least one older woman who has, and I can tell you there is a difference.

Your experience may vary.

AnyFucker · 13/11/2011 22:38

I don't think your sexual experiences with young women/old women are relevant here, PJ ...I was enquiring whether the OP's actual DW had a confirmed medical post-childbearing problem

how distasteful your input is

if OP's OW has a fixable problem, we are talking about something that is solvable

if, however, we want to go down the route of baggy fannies, that is something entirely different

AnyFucker · 13/11/2011 22:38

sorry, not OW, I meant DW

cardioverter · 13/11/2011 22:41

Its really not about you and your expected sex life or her anatomy or your perception of it.
Its about your relationship together ..sex is a communication.

cardioverter · 13/11/2011 22:43

Piglet john
F off with your pathetic pronouncements

joanofarchitrave · 13/11/2011 22:47

I'm definitely looser since having a baby, or have less good muscle tone there, and have lots of proof of that but won't go into it. I have used Aquaflex off and on and it makes a difference for us both but it's not going to help because I am informing you right now that if you suggest Aquaflex to her it will not be a popular move! The best I could suggest is that you make a mental note of the name. Or perhaps get some leaflets and drop one in the street in the hope she will somehow see it...

DiS, are you on antidepressants? My DH's meds really retard his ejaculation. Since I don't orgasm with a partner either, our sex life tends to be a bit more free-form and non-orgasm focused (can be a good thing but often a bit frustrating). Possibly worth having a chat with your GP about that. But the length of time you've gone without sex is probably more of an issue.

I think it is absolutely not OK to remove your partner's sex life without discussion (assuming there's not been any) and it's horrible that there are so many people who do this. I think you've been incredibly patient. LWH's post offers a way forward, hope it helps.

PigletJohn · 13/11/2011 22:49

Anyfucker, how did you make the leap from what you earlier called "a bit loose down there" to what you later called "confirmed medical post-childbearing problem?"

MrFawkesMan · 13/11/2011 22:50

Pig, did you consider that women like men vary in anatomy? That they may have been using muscles differently? That they may have had different physiological factors? I could go on but basically there are lots of ways to show that you are, in fact, talking out your arse.

OP: can you tell us more about your DW's feelings and what she has said?

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