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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just found DP in a flower bed

65 replies

Thislittlepuppy · 13/11/2011 04:39

Please help. Ive NC'd. DP went out for a friends birthday tonight, the first proper night out since before DS was born nine months ago.

Didn't hear from him all night, not a problem. 4 missed calls at 1.45 am with a voicemail saying he didn't know where he was and cying and begging me to help him. I didn't get this until DS woke me up at 2.15.

No answer from his phone. I called and called and tried his friend but phone was off. DS wouldn't go back to sleep and still no word by 3.45 from DP. Decided to put DS in car and look for DP, as very worried. Drove around for ages and kept calling him. DS slept in car. Eventually he answered phone and directed me to him, but he was sobbing and puking the whole time.

Found him in a raised flower bed in the town centre. He must have been there for ages but no one helped him. I helped him to the car (he's very drunk) and he got really upset when he saw DS.

He cried all the way home and when we got back started saying - take him in and then you'll never see me again. You're both better off without me, over and over. I took DS in and said if he wasn't in in 10 mins I'd call the police (wtf?!)

He came in and has disappeared into the bathroom, and I'm in the living room with DS.
I don't know where to go from here. I'm worried he's self destructing. He's such a kind and gentle man, would do anything for me and DS. He's always had a 'downer' side to him but I thought he was finally happy. We've been together 12 years.

OP posts:
ChippingInNeedsSleep · 13/11/2011 04:47

Oh bloody hell :(

I don't think there's much more you can do tonight except stay near him to make sure he doesn't choke on any vomit and doesn't do a fuckwit runner.

Don't even try talking in the morning - he's going to have a vile hangover.

Can he take the day off work on Mon (& you too if you are back at work)?

Other than tonight - why are you worried he's self destructing? I'm a bit confused to be honest... on one hand you say that and on the other hand you say you thought he was happy? Can you try to go back before this and think about how he was? If he seemed fine, this might just be alcohol induced fuck wittery and nothing to worry about. He's probably hit it hard after not going out for 9 months.

Original poster
Thislittlepuppy · 13/11/2011 04:51

Thanks Chipping, I'm just going to try to settle DS then I'll reply...

OP posts:
Alex1984 · 13/11/2011 04:52

Oh gosh. I really hope you and ds are ok. I agree with chippingin you need to talk to him about what has happened. Do you think he may ave depression? Could you arrange some councilling?
Sending you hugs.

Original poster
Thislittlepuppy · 13/11/2011 05:10

Well. I just had to clean the toilet. It looked like the toilet at the beginning of trainspotting.... He's obviously shit himself and it was smeared everywhere. He's now passed out on the bedroom floor with no trousers on which isn't the nicest sight.
I can't bear the stench of shit and puke and alcohol so I'm now on the floor in ds's room next to his cot.

Ok, so we live with my parents, as we are between houses currently. I'm still on mat leave, just begun the unpaid bit. I know he doesn't like it here, and he's feeling money pressure. His dad is an alcoh

OP posts:
Original poster
Thislittlepuppy · 13/11/2011 05:13

Oops... Alcoholic who he doesn't speak to. His mum lives in another country and he misses her. We did have a phase about 6 years ago where he said I'd be better off without him. We sorted it out but I'm worried everything's getting on top of him.

OP posts:
ChippingInNeedsSleep · 13/11/2011 05:21

Oh - it does all sound like a bit of a time bomb :(

Will you parents be angry about tonight?

Could you not have left DS with them when you went to look for DH?

He may need to hire a carpet cleaner tomorrow to deal with the mess?

Have you had problems with him and alcohol before? I mean, we can all get trashed at times, but if his Dad is an alcoholic it puts him into a high risk category.

How far away does his Mum live? (a couple of hours or other side of the world)

How long before you will be moving out of your parents? How long have you been there?

How is his job going?

Sorry for all the Q's - just trying to get a feel for it all.

Original poster
Thislittlepuppy · 13/11/2011 05:32

I'm not sure what my parents will say tbh! I was too embarrassed to wake them and say I didn't know where he was. DS was well awake and I guess in my confused state I just thought "oh we'll he's awake, at least he'll sleep in the car". If he'd been asleep I would have woken them I think.

He used to be a bit of a binge drinker but hasn't been too bad for the past couple of years. He may have one too many on the rare occasion he went out but nothing like this.

His mum lives in Ireland. Not far but an expensive plane trip. He's sad she doesn't get to see DS often.

We've been here a year. I'm going back to work part time in January and we'll assess our income then and look to leave ASAP.

He's been in the same job for about 14 years. Long hours, manual labour - he doesn't enjoy it much but feels he can't do anything else. Works for his friend.

OP posts:
giraffesCantDookForApples · 13/11/2011 05:39

Does he often drink? Alcohol is a depressant - so wondering if he maybe doesnt often drink and has drunk lots then this has made him very low. Sounds like needs some support - maybe gp on Monday?

ChippingInNeedsSleep · 13/11/2011 05:40

I would have taken DS too. I didn't really think about how late it was!

Did you wake them up coming back in?

Do you share a bathroom with them?

Are you worried he's an alcoholic?

Are you sure you can't get some cheap flights? I guess it depends where you are and where she is, but we've been on some really cheap flights to Ireland.

A year is a long time to live with the inlaws/parents, especially with a new baby.

Does he feel bad not being able to support his family ?

He's young - he needs to rethink the work thing.

Original poster
Thislittlepuppy · 13/11/2011 05:44

Thanks I'm going to try and sleep for a bit, will reply later.

OP posts:
ChippingInNeedsSleep · 13/11/2011 05:49

Hope you manage a good sleep before they both wake up!!

sosorry66 · 13/11/2011 06:15

Think it will probably just be the alcohol making him morose, it has the same effect on me if I drink too much (not the messing myself bit though).
If he can't get to a level and stop drinking so he gets into that state then I think you are going to have to put in some measures on the rare occassions he goes out so that he can be brought home before he gets to the losing control of his bodily functions stage.
I know this sounds like nannying him but really, you should not be having to clean him up like that!
Make sure you do tell him how bad he was, he needs to feel embarrassed.
I hope you got some sleep? You do not need this.
Make sure that although he feels really crap that he has to help you out with everything today and let you get some rest.

CheerfulYank · 13/11/2011 06:16

Oh goodness darling, that does sound like a lot . Nothing constructive to add right now, just wanted to post my support.

CinnabarRed · 13/11/2011 08:18

And mine. TBH, I've done something very similar although admittedly when I was younger and unsure of my limits. Puked and poo'd all over a kind colleague's hall - and she'd only taken me back to her's because I was in no state to get myself home. Obviously I was absolutely mortified but I've never even been close to being drunk since. It might be that 9 months of abstinence reset your DP's tolerance for alcohol and caught him by surprise.

Original poster
Thislittlepuppy · 13/11/2011 08:21

Thanks everyone. I got about an hour under 3 pram sized blankets on DS's floor! He's still sparko half naked on the floor. But he did stir when I looked in so I guess he's alive.

I don't know if he's a binge alcoholic (just made that term up I think). I do know he doesn't know when to stop. I know he knows this but can't help himself IYSWIM.

I don't know what to say to him today. He needs to promise me this won't happen again. And if it does, I don't think I want him around.

OP posts:
Original poster
Thislittlepuppy · 13/11/2011 08:23

Just to clarify, DP not DS is sparko on the floor!

OP posts:
ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow · 13/11/2011 08:40

You have a lot to deal with right now, OP. I'm sorry you're going through this.

I think your instinct about what you need from him right now is right: a promise that he will stay sober, that you need to enforce if it is broken.

He does sound depressed, and with a possible alcohol problem, but those are his issues to deal with (or not). I hope for all your sakes that he does, but I wanted to stress that you can't help him: only he can. Hard as it may be, what you've got to focus on is protecting yourself and DS only.

MumblingAndBloodyRagDoll · 13/11/2011 08:51

OP I hope you're ok....your DH is a grown man and having been in a relationship with an alcoholic before, I can tell you that it's a VERY hard thing to manage and unless your DP is strong, it just goes on and on. You have a baby and should NOT be forced to listen to his whinging....and you certainly shouldn't be looking for him drunk in town.

I hope your parents don't see the mess....it's not fair for their home to be filthed up like that. I think your DP has a LOT of begng to do....he's behavd appalingly.

Original poster
Thislittlepuppy · 13/11/2011 11:20

Thank you again, Itsmeandmypuppynow yours really struck a chord. My poor DS deserves better than looking for his daddy in the middle of the night.

Dp's still asleep. I'll see what he does when he wakes up. But DS and I are going out to feed the ducks soon so DP can stay and stew in his filth, and miss out on a nice day.

Just for future info, what should one say when a man tells you that you'd be better off without him? Just agree and walk away? Or try to help him?

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 13/11/2011 11:35

I do think it's usually true if a man says that. In vino veritas and all that.

If I were your mum I'd be very concerned about you having a future with a man like that, for all sorts of reasons, tbh.

Tortington · 13/11/2011 11:46

with much much experience in this field i can tell you that you shouldn't listen to a drunk, talk to a drunk or interact with a drunk.

whatever he said whilst drunk - he was drunk.

whilst unpleasant i think you could quickly whip this up into a marriage threatening drama if you wanted to

he got drunk and did something a student would do - he was a twatty knobhead - granted.

however by your own admission this is the first time hes been out in 9 months and hes usually a great person.

so dont make a drama out of a crisis - sure make his life misery for a day

if hes generally a glass half empty depressing guy when sober - then this is a different issue entirely

izzywhizzyspecanpie · 13/11/2011 13:07

It was his first night out in 9 months. He had a few at which point he should have left to come home but one for the road always seems a good idea - and another won't hurt either and, before he knew it, he didn't know where he was or what he was doing.

In short he got ratarsed and, in ending up in a municipal flower bed, he was lucky not to have been arrested - either on his unsteady way to having a lie-down or while he was grabbing some (semi-comatose) zzzz's among the foliage.

Too much sauce can bring out the maudlin in many of us. Don't take too much notice of what he said while he was in his cups - and don't tell him as he's unlikely to remember his drunken ramblings.

Let him deal with any repercussions from his misadventure such as apologising to your dps, washing his clothes etc. If he's suffering any after-effects chuck some Alka-Seltzer at him and get on with your day.

The time to worry will be if he starts to binge on a regular basis.

TooEasilyTempted · 13/11/2011 13:11

Inclined to agree with Custardo, just sounds like he's been out on a bit of a mission to get slaughtered and if he hasn't been out in 9 months he's overestimated his limits! I have one of these nights every now and then, albeit I don't shit everywhere and expect DH to clean it up. Grin

I don't quite get the link between this and you worrying that he's self destructing? This isn't a regular thing? Make his life miserable for the rest of the day and tell him if here's a next time you'll have a camera handy to show him he next day exactly how much of a twat he looks.

MumblingAndBloodyRagDoll · 13/11/2011 13:11

He shat himself in her parents bathroom izzy whilst comatose. He slept in the street all night and then passed out in the bathroom.

It's a bit more than "too much sauce"

SuePurblybiltbyElves · 13/11/2011 13:19

I'm not going to be much help about the alcohol thing. But the housing problems - are you on the council list? Hassling them (nicely) weekly? Do you have supporting evidence that your current situation is overcrowded/finite - a letter from your parents will do? Can you ask your GP to confirm that the housing is contributing to DH's stress problems?

Apologies if I have the stick wrong but if you are waiting to rent and have money problems, you need to be on top of the housing department to be in with a chance of being housed or getting any practical help. I've been through a similar situation and it took a lot of effort to not be fobbed off.

Even if the waiting lists are monstrous, go on them now, you never know. It may also help in the future with getting a private tenancy or a part-ownership mortgage.