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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just found DP in a flower bed

65 replies

Thislittlepuppy · 13/11/2011 04:39

Please help. Ive NC'd. DP went out for a friends birthday tonight, the first proper night out since before DS was born nine months ago.

Didn't hear from him all night, not a problem. 4 missed calls at 1.45 am with a voicemail saying he didn't know where he was and cying and begging me to help him. I didn't get this until DS woke me up at 2.15.

No answer from his phone. I called and called and tried his friend but phone was off. DS wouldn't go back to sleep and still no word by 3.45 from DP. Decided to put DS in car and look for DP, as very worried. Drove around for ages and kept calling him. DS slept in car. Eventually he answered phone and directed me to him, but he was sobbing and puking the whole time.

Found him in a raised flower bed in the town centre. He must have been there for ages but no one helped him. I helped him to the car (he's very drunk) and he got really upset when he saw DS.

He cried all the way home and when we got back started saying - take him in and then you'll never see me again. You're both better off without me, over and over. I took DS in and said if he wasn't in in 10 mins I'd call the police (wtf?!)

He came in and has disappeared into the bathroom, and I'm in the living room with DS.
I don't know where to go from here. I'm worried he's self destructing. He's such a kind and gentle man, would do anything for me and DS. He's always had a 'downer' side to him but I thought he was finally happy. We've been together 12 years.

OP posts:
susiedaisy · 13/11/2011 13:20

Agree with custardo on this one, not pleasant for you thoughSad

OneHandFlapping · 13/11/2011 13:21

I'm glad I'm not him. That post binge guilt would be so much worse if you wake to find yourself covered in puke and shit on the bedroom floor at your MIL's.

susiedaisy · 13/11/2011 13:27

well imo too much drink will cause this sort of reaction in alot of people, i have friends who are old enough to know better that still occasionally get carried away have way too much to drink and end up making tits of themselves by pissing, vomiting and shitting in inappropriate places, my exh being one of them, a bit sad really but there you go!

Earlybird · 13/11/2011 13:31

How long have you lived with your parents? Is it a good situation for you/dp?

Can you elaborate on how you came to be 'between houses'? Asking because i wonder if this could hold a clue to his general frame of mind.

Some people can't go out without getting drunk - is your dp one of them?

izzywhizzyspecanpie · 13/11/2011 13:47

'Too much sauce' does it every time Mumbling. In this case, we don't know how much sauce he consumed.

I'm assuming a lot of sauce and probably a mixture of grape and grain but, as some are less alcohol tolerant than others, it might not have taken vast quantities for him to drink himself into a stupor especially if he hadn't eaten for a few hours before he started getting wellied.

oldqueenie · 13/11/2011 13:54

the tolerance of some posters for binge drinking and consequent puking / pooing / reckless behaviour truly astounds me. this is not within the bounds of "normal" or acceptable behaviour! people who behave like this have a problem, a real problem!

SaggyHairyArse · 13/11/2011 13:55

I would have to see a pattern of behaviour for the 'alcoholic' switch to trigger with me. If this was a one off then hopefully he will feel so grim today he won't repeat it. The first time I went out after my first I was in bed by 5pm and more recently, I went out and stayed at a friends house and threw up on myself in the car on the way home. These are two ocasions over 14 years and I hardly drink at all day to day - but I do now know that I cannot handle my drink so I just don't do it.

One thing I would say, having been married to an alcoholic, is don't ever clear up the evidence of his excesses. Make him do it the next day and make him do it until it is cleaned to an acceptable standard. why the hell should you clear up a grown mans shit and puke in the middle of the night? Let him deal with the reality the next day, that'll learn him.

juneau · 13/11/2011 14:09

Saggy - this is a bathroom at her parents' house so she can hardly leave it in a disgusting state.

WhollyGhost · 13/11/2011 15:41

In your shoes, I imagine that I'd have brought him directly from flowerbed to a&e (though what I do in reality is often different from what I'd like to think I'd do). But that level of binging is dangerous - there was a truly horrible case in the news recently, of a Scottish man who drank himself to death celebrating the birth of his first baby.

Agree with Custardo re. ignoring everything your DH said when drunk. It is time to sort your lives out - you both need to consider your work situations, and you need to find alternative housing ASAP. Living with in laws is usually a bigger strain than living with parents, even if the in laws are as lovely as mine.

Original poster
Thislittlepuppy · 13/11/2011 16:08

Thanks everyone again. It seemed worse last night as i went from not being worried that he was late (he's a grown up) to panicking when I got his voicemail sobbing and pleading me to help him. I really thought he'd been attacked or fallen somewhere, and then when I couldn't contact him for 2 hours I was really frightened.

I've got on with my day; DS and I have fed the ducks, been on the swings and slides and had a nice time. DP is awake and feeling shit. I haven't spoken to him much yet though. I'll broach the wider ranging subjects with him when he's more human.

OP posts:
ChippingInNeedsSleep · 13/11/2011 16:11

Hmm, that'll take a day or two - if you want a proper conversation.

Glad you've had an OK day with DS.

CinnabarRed · 13/11/2011 16:41

Another thought - is it possible that his drink was spiked? Perhaps one of his friends thought it would be funny - after all, I would have expected them to look after him in that state. What are his friends like?

fiventhree · 13/11/2011 16:45

This is obviously a man in some underlying crisis, which CAN be sorted out. I think the chat about what is expected or necessary of him can come much later. For now, he just needs to sober up and avoid further humiliation.

It would be fantastic if he would over time be interested or willing to consider some counselling.

Original poster
Thislittlepuppy · 13/11/2011 17:19

Cinnabar he reckons he had 2 lagers, 4 guiness and 1 vodka red bull between 5pm and 1am. I don't think that equates to his level of drunkenness. So either he's telling porkies or a drink was spiked.

Apparently he was kicked out of a can for puking. He saw the driver talking to the police, who apparently saw him stagger to the flower bed. And left him there! How he still had his iPhone and wallet when he slept on the street for 2 hours I don't know.

OP posts:
Original poster
Thislittlepuppy · 13/11/2011 17:20

A cab, he was kicked out of a cab...

OP posts:
WhollyGhost · 13/11/2011 17:22

Why didn't his friends ensure he got home safely?

WombOnTheBroom · 13/11/2011 17:25

Agree with Custardo and Saggy that one (admittedly fecking stupid) incident doesn't necessarily mean too much. My DP pulled a similar stunt when our first DC was about 7 months. He hadn't been out for a long time and had way too much too quickly on not enough food. I had to drive a 40-mile round trip in filthy weather to pick him up at 2am, with DS in the car. It wasn't big, it certainly wasn't clever and when he was sober, he got a complete bloody rollicking (though it didn't take much from me because he knew how out of order he was). But although I was INCREDIBLY angry at the time, it was a one off. That was three years ago and there has never been a repeat performance - for the record he still drinks but has never been out-of-control drunk and takes full responsibility for looking after himself - as he should - he is an adult, after all!

I agree too that once the initial anger/worry (yours) and embarrassment (his) have dissipated a bit it'd be good to sit and have a good chat about overall circumstances. Big hug - hope you get a lovely sleep tonight to help catch up on what you missed last night.

Original poster
Thislittlepuppy · 13/11/2011 17:26

I'm so furious about that. He says he left before them as he knew he needed to go home, and didn't feel that bad until he hit fresh air. So they didn't know he was in that state.
He really does seem bewildered that he was as bad as he was. He's so upset.

OP posts:
izzywhizzyspecanpie · 13/11/2011 17:26

He's been extremely lucky a) not to get arrested for drunk and disorderly and b) not to get mugged.

Point out to him that he's best advised not to make of habit of overimbibing as Bacchus may not look so favourably on him again.

As for his intake - 7 drinks over a period of 8 hours? Hmm Double that throw in a couple of vodka chasers, and you may get nearer to the true total.

Original poster
Thislittlepuppy · 13/11/2011 17:27

Sorry that was to Wholly. Thank you Womb that gives me hope.

OP posts:
CinnabarRed · 13/11/2011 17:30

Agreed, that amount of alcohol shouldn't have incapacitated him, although if it was on an empty stomach then I suppose it might have been worse than otherwise.

I'm also with Custardo. It must have been horrible for you last night but he seems contrite from what you've posted. Clearly we don't know the ins and outs of your relationship and circumstances but - taking what you've posted at face value - I don't see a man in crisis here. Of course it's not acceptable but it doesn't sound deliberate or malicious IYSWIM.

PeelThemWithTheirMetalKnives · 13/11/2011 17:30

Poor you, Thislittlepuppy I've been there too with DH, but thankfully not the Trainspotting toilet scene. One of the problems is, when he is feeling well enough to talk, he probably won't remember the full horror of the thing. If he doesn't seem to be taking seriously enough what happened, I recommend writing down exactly what took place and how bad you felt, and giving it to him to read over. Let us know how it goes.

tefal · 13/11/2011 17:31

Is it worth taking him to A&E and see if there are any drug traces in his system - that amount of alcohol wouldn't get someone in that state I don't think so may be his drink was spiked?

This happened to me years ago and it was awful.

PeelThemWithTheirMetalKnives · 13/11/2011 17:32

Oh, I've just read that he is upset about it all. Well that's hopeful anyway. He should probably stay away from alcohol if he can. I think he drank a lot more than he is remembering.

CinnabarRed · 13/11/2011 18:29

TBF, the spiking - if there was indeed any - could just have been adding a shot of vodka to each pint.

That happened to me on my hen night. We'd planned a sophisticated evening in an expensive restaurant, starting with cocktails. Some guys at the bar told the barman to slip extra vodka shots into the cocktails. We had one cocktail each, went through to our table, ordered our food - and that's the last thing half of us remember.