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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Just found DP in a flower bed

65 replies

Thislittlepuppy · 13/11/2011 04:39

Please help. Ive NC'd. DP went out for a friends birthday tonight, the first proper night out since before DS was born nine months ago.

Didn't hear from him all night, not a problem. 4 missed calls at 1.45 am with a voicemail saying he didn't know where he was and cying and begging me to help him. I didn't get this until DS woke me up at 2.15.

No answer from his phone. I called and called and tried his friend but phone was off. DS wouldn't go back to sleep and still no word by 3.45 from DP. Decided to put DS in car and look for DP, as very worried. Drove around for ages and kept calling him. DS slept in car. Eventually he answered phone and directed me to him, but he was sobbing and puking the whole time.

Found him in a raised flower bed in the town centre. He must have been there for ages but no one helped him. I helped him to the car (he's very drunk) and he got really upset when he saw DS.

He cried all the way home and when we got back started saying - take him in and then you'll never see me again. You're both better off without me, over and over. I took DS in and said if he wasn't in in 10 mins I'd call the police (wtf?!)

He came in and has disappeared into the bathroom, and I'm in the living room with DS.
I don't know where to go from here. I'm worried he's self destructing. He's such a kind and gentle man, would do anything for me and DS. He's always had a 'downer' side to him but I thought he was finally happy. We've been together 12 years.

OP posts:

AuntieMaggie · 13/11/2011 18:38

Is he on any medication? I can normally hold my drink but ended up in an awful state when I last went out and it was because of the medication I'm on.

Original poster

Thislittlepuppy · 13/11/2011 22:18

No medication. He said witheringly "I would have tasted vodka in my beer wouldn't I".

OP posts:

chippy47 · 13/11/2011 22:35

Went out. Got battered. Got drunken depression. Rang to tell you about his mood( golden rule- don't phone people when hammered and miserable). Too drunk too function( if he had not phoned he would have come round at some point,realise what was going on and made his way home). Got home and embarrassed himself at the in-laws house. Woke up in the morning thinking oh fuck, what did I do last night.
Not that mature, not endearing or that responsible. But not an alcoholic nor in need of the Samaritans.
It happens, a lot. Extract an apology and some penance and move on.

Earlybird · 13/11/2011 22:40

If someone was so drunk that they puked, passed out for 2 hours in a flower bed, and then came home hours later and shat themselves - well...I doubt his recall of how much/what he drank can be relied upon.

I'll wager he only remembers half of what he drank......if that much.

Also, far too easy to say 'maybe the drink was spiked' . Yes, it does happen but rarely. IMO, in this instance, it smacks of an attempt to invent fantastic excuses, and seems geared toward removing personal responsibility for actions.

SaggyHairyArse · 13/11/2011 22:50

I agree with Earlybird, I do still think there needs to be more than one occasion for it to be classed as binge drinking/alcoholism and I still stand by that he should have cleared up after himself and if that meant the wrath of the in-laws then so be it.

ScarlettIsWalking · 13/11/2011 22:52

Did he apologise and thank you for going out with a baby searching the streets for him then cleaning up his shit and puke?

CinnabarRed · 14/11/2011 06:32

Not keen on him talking to you in withering tones. Only grovelling, grateful and loving tones are acceptable after all you did for him last night.

PopcornMouse · 14/11/2011 12:06

Is there any way you can tell from his bank statement or leftover cash how much was spent, and therefore how much alcohol bought? You might get a better idea of how much was consumed that way.

But in all seriousness, whether it was a one off or not, I'd be seriously unimpressed.

cestlavielife · 14/11/2011 22:58

have you made it clear to him that going out with sleeping baby is a one off too? if it ever happens again, your only recourse willl be to call police to find him - you cant go driving strets with a baby/toddler, in the middle of the night, at his beck and call. this has to be the last time....

liverLadyLass · 14/11/2011 23:28

My hubby before we were married was also found cuddling a tree lying in the grass and he had been spiked with Ecstasy, apparently went through all emotions and was scared also do you think this may of happened to your dp??

omaoma · 14/11/2011 23:44

if he ended up in that state on drinks he bought and drank knowingly, it is entirely his own responsibility (even if he has a lowered threshold yada yada) and there will have to be a lot of time, apologising and safety measures in place (eg, he calls a taxi in advance and comes home at 11pm) before the next time he goes out 'for a drink'.

if his drink was spiked, his 'friends' are clearly tw*ts who you would expect he won't be seeing again. end of.

it's kind of up to him which excuse he wants to use but either way, he has to accept things massive changes and limits to his social life for quite a while.

please tell me he is prostrate with guilt and humiliation because i can't imagine any other response that that experience should provoke in him.

BertieBotts · 15/11/2011 00:08

You would taste extra alcohol in the first couple of pints, but not in extra ones, because your ability to taste alcohol reduces the more drunk you get. I remember grimly forcing myself through half a bottle of wine and then enjoying the rest of it. Having said that I could happily drink 6 pints as a (tiny) 18 year old so it does seem unlikely that it would have affected him to this level. I think he's either been spiked - most likely with extra alcohol - or just been bought more drinks than he actually remembers. Easily done.

I think it's going to be a day or two before you get to have a proper conversation but I hope you get the space to have it properly.

Original poster

Thislittlepuppy · 15/11/2011 00:09

Hi everyone. He's embarrassed and I think remorseful. Spent all day yesterday very ill in bed. He threw out his shitty jeans (I said he could wash them or bin them), he hoovered the bits of flower bed out of the car, he washed his coat. He thanked me for cleaning the toilet.

I really don't think he was spiked. He either drank more than he admitted or realised (he took out cash and they will have been doing rounds) or his system was taken by surprise.

If DS hadn't been awake I wouldn't have gone out. He knows this won't happen again. But I don't think the whole situation will arise again.

OP posts:

izzywhizzyspecanpie · 15/11/2011 01:12

No spiked drinks. No suspicious substances. No mystery. He started early and finished late with predictable consequences.

When he's fully compos mentis again make it clear to him that next time he goes out with friends you won't be riding driving to his rescue in the middle of the night as your phone will be switched off at midnight.

ditzymitzy2 · 15/11/2011 16:43

lol, i bet he was pretty sheepish in the morning and felt a right plonker

how many of us havent acted very daft when under the influence LOL

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