Why is that although dh and I really don't get on, when we do actually manage to have a shag, it feels amazing?

[wondering2]

What's that about?? Our relationship is very difficult and really a non-relationship. Consequently we generally used to have sex once every six weeks - most recently there was a gap of three months. However when we do actually become intimate, it is lovely. How is it possible to feel so generally unloved and disliked by someone (dh totally uninterested in me) yet still have good sex??

When you say it's lovely, do you mean you feel close to each other or just that sexually it's great?

I wouldn't stay with someone who disliked me - why do you do that?

What's good about the sex? Do you feel empowered by the 'he may not like you but still can't resist you' or do you actually relate and communicate when you're in the sack? I had an ex who i loathed but the sex had a 'me man you woman' quality that made my knees quiver but i still didn't much like the guy.

sorry, meant why is IT that - not why is that

In answer to your questions - it just feels familiar, nice and even loving to a certain extent. Sexually as well I enjoy it but the h is the only partner I have ever had...

We never talk in bed but there is give and take and I always feel good for about two or three days afterwards when the problems between h and I come crashing back.

Like the "me man you woman" quality nordiccamper .

H and I together cos of three children under ten years old.

What puzzles me is whether the fact that I (and h too I presume though we never talk about it) enjoy the sex means that we should stay together and that there are real but buried feelings between us?? (Of course lots more pressing reasons to stay together like the fact that we have kids!!!).

"h" - not THE h - don't know what's wrong with me!

Who knows what keeps you together, but i'm guessing it's not the communicating...

Women do tend to read sex as an indicator of romantic interest, not mere lust. Try and initiate it more and see if that helps bring you two closer together? People stay together for worse reasons.. Not everyone is madly in love with their husband.

Yes, h very uncommunicative. The problem with initiating it more is that when we are not getting on, we are totally distant - don't sleep in the same bed etc... and absolutely at loggerheads - often not talking (this is h, not me). H short tempered and very critical which is my main gripe - shouted at me today and called me stupid... - very difficult to feel like intiating anything when he behaves like that.

This is going to sound naive, but can lusting after someone and liking them be so separated?

And it is always me who initiates it (once every six weeks ).

Yes they can be separated. Easily. Are you in a position to leave him or are you content with the status quo? It doesn't sound like there is much partnership left in terms of relationship.

No I am not content with the status quo but I am frightened of so many different things with regards to divorce...
I am a SAHM with little earning power (though I would like to and have also tried to find work as a teaching assistant). He earns the money and owns the house we live in as well as 3 other properties. However there is a mortgage and a debt. He works very hard.

It seems that when you are having sex, he displays something other than his usual short-tempered, highly critical, self and you may be clinging to the hope that, one day, some day, he will become the man he is when you're in bed together.

Which is somewhat odd given that, according to you, there's no verbal communication at those times.

The feelings you have of some deep 'connection' may also be compounded by the fact that you have no experience of other sexual relatonships to use as a comparison.

Irregular silent sex with a man who rarely has a good word to say to you? You're far too easily satisfied.

Isn't it about time you started thinking of life as something to be enjoyed without a harsh taskmaster putting you down and feeding you the odd crumb of his table in terms of a shag every month or so?

What kind of example is your relationship with this miserable fucker setting for your dc?

I agree izzy, but it is me who moved out of the bed as was and am so often very annoyed with h. After our last shag I was determined to stay in the bed every night but couldn't do it as h reverted to his highly negative, shouty, critical self compounded by painting a wall of the house a green colour without consulting me at all.
I think you have hit the nail on the head when you say that in bed I can feel something far gentler and kinder than in daily life.

Thanks for answers.

Hang on .... wasn't it your h who painted the conservatory green the other day?

You've been told, honey. Your marriage is dead in the water and the only way to put the corpse to rest is to consult a solicitor who specialises in divorce and family law.

3 kids under 10 isn't too bad. How old is your youngest? Does he help out with the kids?

From the little you've told he sounds like he is an arse, to be honest. If your kids are at school can you start to put together an exit plan? Start retraining for a career. Not a great time to be dividing assets but as you're married half of those assets are yours too, i believe.

Ah ha! Get rid.

Yes he's the one!
I know it may be dead but divorce is such a massive terrifying thing that I am going through every angle of things in my head. Also it would be useful to have h's opinion but since he doesn't discuss things this is difficult.
Am also wondering what would be the kindest possible way of getting divorced so that that there would be the least acrimony between h and I so that we can co-parent well afterwards ()...

I sometimes think that it is only if/when I tell h we are separating, that I may get some proper conversation out of him.

Kids are 5, 7 and almost 10. He helps with kids at weekends cooking food mainly and also taking them out either on his own or with me. Can't imagine how they would feel about us living separately - not good.

Probably helpful to the fantasy that he doesn't say anything whilst dtd as it sounds like he'd ruin it!

Have you thought about seeing a solicitor? Are the other properties rented out?

One is empty and needs renovating (actually a martello tower) - the other two are rented out houses. H already divorced once and ex wife got their main large property which he is very bitter about. Forcing a sale of the house we live in would cause extreme anger and it is true that he has put a lot more than me into the house. On the other hand if I leave the house the kids may not want to come too (for the time that they are with me) or it may seem to them that their mother wants to leave them which is far from the case.

Going to see a solicitor seems a frightening and devious thing to do as I have "lived off" h for so long.

Sorry cross posted with everyone else .
I don't think the divorce can be friendly given the type of personality that you're dealing with, so forget that and get what you can x

See a solicitor first and get the lie of the land before broaching it with him. You could use a counsellour to try and facilitate an amicable break.

This is what I am frightened of - h's temper is not nice and I cannot imagine having to live in the same house as him while any divorce came through. He can withstand a lot more than I can.
He is affectionate and jovial with kids most of the time, and we do have times when we can have a laugh about the kids and be civil, but there are more and more silences between us.

I am seeing a counsellor by myself. I asked him to come and see a relationship counsellor but he refused telling me to tidy up. The house and the state of it is a big bone of contention between us.

You havent 'lived off' him, you've been looking after your joint children amongst other things. Also if he wasn't being a nasty twat, you wouldn't be thinking like this.