Why is that although dh and I really don't get on, when we do actually manage to have a shag, it feels amazing?

[wondering2]

What's that about?? Our relationship is very difficult and really a non-relationship. Consequently we generally used to have sex once every six weeks - most recently there was a gap of three months. However when we do actually become intimate, it is lovely. How is it possible to feel so generally unloved and disliked by someone (dh totally uninterested in me) yet still have good sex??

Yes this is absolutely true because the last time we slept together I spent 2 or 3 days afterwards feeling much more positive and hopeful and affectionate towards him. However he does not return the affection on those occasions.

as I have "lived off" h for so long

Do please tell - in what way have you 'lived off' your h?

Is this what you want for the rest of your life and for your children?

Right. Monday morning, after school drop off, get organised and make an appointment to see a solicitor. Is there an area on here that you can ask for recommendations?

Has he ever done some number on you, honey. Is is much older than you? How old were you when you met him?

Sorry, went out for dinner with my Dad and sister so did not answer questions.

H is 12.5 (such an important .5!) years older than me which has had a big impact on the dynamic between us. In a sense I went from being dependent on my parents to being dependent on him (my choice) even though I had lived and worked away from home before I met h, but not for that long.

I think i picked someone similar to my father (though I get on better with my Dad than I do with h in some ways) who is kind of domineering and "absolutist" in their views. Also who has a disapproving streak.

There was a period when I was spending too much money and I think h is deeply resentful of this. Not to say that there aren't things I could or even should be resentful of but h bears a grudge for centuries it seems. Ditto with the house - now it has just become an excuse for his distant behaviour as it is slowly getting more organised all kids being at school etc.... - but he is deeply resentful of the fact that I am or have been quite messy.

I would basically like someone who accepts me, who makes me laugh and whom I can thrash out problems with - ie. talk about anything and everything, no matter how personal. H would like a spotless, minimalistic house and to be left in peace - apart from the kids - he loves them and they him though ds (the eldest) is more aware of his short fuse than the other two dds.

There seem to be so many different possible ways of becoming separated / divorced that I wouldn't know where to start. Also difficult for me to go from being the passive person I am now to somehow doing all of that. Am worried that it might get really unpleasant and that I do not have the support to lean on.

Maybe your both just so busy in day to day life you forget about each other and take every day life stuff out on each other, which makes you believe you both dislike one another were that when you do have sex all those natural real feelings you both have for each other come back and the rest forgotten!? You should have sex more often.. Hope you got what I ment?

Wanted to add that after painting the conservatory wall green last week without my agreement, today h has let me know (briefly, while our neighbour was here) that he is getting the living room painted tomorrow. Won't say what colour. Apparently based on what paint he has left over from other jobs but this is how the conservatory became green. Neighbour pointed out that I had a say in what colour it should be but he said "well, if she had been interested she would have done it". Don't feel this is fair as h does renovation work and when work is slow he gets the people who work for him anyway to do odd bits on our house - he doesn't actually do the bulk of the work himself. Tried to let h know that I favour a cream like colour (by telling neighbour) but have no idea if h has taken it in as he is not really talking (and neither am I it has to be said, but he is the one who doesn't communicate about anything). Have horrible sick feeling of dread in my stomach about it. I swear if he paints it the same green as the conservatory, that will be it.

We all went swimming as a family today and if divorced I would really miss stuff like that, but I wouldn't actually miss h himself. Certainly not the way he behaves toward me a lot of the time. As well as being disinterested in me and quite domineering, I don't think he actually sees or hears many of the things I do or say. Literally as if I haven't done them or said them .

Then I wonder if things would be better if I wasn't so oversensitive or always take things the wrong way???

always TAKING things the wrong way

I think I would ring up his ex-wife and invite her out to lunch.

Oh, and I would set a goal to get a job before Christmas.

What a nob. He's using paint to threaten and undermine you.

Have you ever sat him down and said why is the sex so amazing and do you think there is anything we can build on from that to salvage things?

If you don't the colour of the living room after it's been painted, go buy a colour you like and tip the pot over him.

I would ask you what you are gettin gfrom this relationship now.

Also what are you both teaching your children about relationships here?. Both of you are currently imaprting damaging lessons to them. Your children won't thank you for staying with him because your relationship is a lie. If you were to tell them also that you stayed with him for their sake they will rightly call you a silly cow and wonder too why you put him before them.

Children are perceptive and pick up on all the bad vibes; you cannot fully protect them from what is happening at home. They see how he treats you and wonder why; perhaps they even blame themselves.

"I think i picked someone similar to my father (though I get on better with my Dad than I do with h in some ways) who is kind of domineering and "absolutist" in their views. Also who has a disapproving streak.

We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents so it does not surprise me at all that you went onto choose someone who acts just like your Dad. You were also taught damaging lessons as a child.

You think divorce is somehow worse than living with this man under your roof?. Why is divorce so awful; what are you so afraid of?. The "stigma" and your parents disapproval?.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships; surely not this piss poor role model?.

Noddyholder, the problem is that we cannot talk about ANYTHING to do with us AT ALL - I would but he doesn't.

I like that idea izzy .

Job very important I know joan - h has not contact with ex wife though I suppose I could try to meet up with her - have never actually thought of that. Have never met her. They didn't have children together but he was stepdad to her son for 10 years. He did keep in touch with him for a few years after they split up but eventually they too had an argument and are no longer in touch.

Agree about living a lie attila. The hard thing is seeing the wood for the trees. H very hard working and I am not perfect. If only we could talk about things on an equal footing then we might be able to improve things.

Should one always trust ones feelings (ie. sick feeling in pit of stomach) or could it be that someone else would take everything a different way?

Nordiccamper - yup it's a silly game.

You 'married' your father. And now you've grown up and become an adult. It's time to ditch daddy and become independent.

Missed your two posts attila - but maybe my long post has some answers in it. My parents were very kind as we grew up but both quite strong people.
Totally agree about not modelling a kind affectionate relationship for my children .

That's exactly it izzy. Feel guilty because in a way the writing was always written on the wall and h has fallen into the trap of having children with someone who had not fully matured and who would eventually HAVE to leave. Have a strong yearning to have my own place and complete autonomy (not from kids, from h). Don't know how that fits in with having children with h.
Scared of LOTS of things with regards to divorce. Not being able to be with kids always. H possibly being very difficult. Dc wanting to live with him and not with me. Money. Possibly regretting my decision. And on and on and on.

Thing about becoming independent is that I am 42 with low earning power and feel somewhat powerless. Maybe that's just a state of mind?

Blimey ok then! I can't imagine ever being able to get to teh stage of having sex with that sort of lack of communication!

Yes it's strange isn't it. It's cyclical. After being annoyed with each other for weeks we somehow calm down and something intuitive happens. Then I get all hopeful after we have slept together but invariably conflict happens pretty quickly and it's back to square one.