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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

not sure where to start...

61 replies

pretenditsnormal · 11/11/2011 23:29

Started the morning well... DP saying 'are you sure you are doing enough when you go to the gym? ' This is getting to be a regular topic of conversation - followed by 'is there any point in you going to weight watchers - you don't seem to be losing anything'..

Is it normal to have this day in day out? Have lost track of what is normal and what is not. I am not exactly enormous, but clothes don't look that great on. Did suggest getting married last year - but was told he didn't want a fat wife !

This escalated to a 'discussion' on money - basically DP gave up work nearly 3 years ago (to spend more time with DS & do house up) - living on proceeds from house sale and from an investment that was meant to be my pension. Am starting to feel a bit of a mug, especially as he is not that nice to me

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squeakytoy · 11/11/2011 23:41

Proceeds from whose house sale? One that you had put financial input towards?

No, its not normal to call your partner fat every day, its abusive and nasty.

No, its not normal to treat someone like shit.

Yes, you are right to be bloody angry with him.

So, what do you think you should do about it? I am not going to say "leave the bastard".. although that would be my own personal action in those circumstances.

ChippingInNeedsSleep · 11/11/2011 23:45

There's one fast way to lose some of that ugly weight... tell him to move out.

Wanker.

How dare he speak to you like that. Just how dare he?? and why are you letting him. I'm a lot fatter than you and I can guarantee he would have said that to me once and once only.

susiedaisy · 11/11/2011 23:50

Seems like he doesn't actually like you that much, and doesn't have alot of respect for youSad keep going with the gym and weight watchers but do it for you not himSmile

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow · 11/11/2011 23:50

no it's not normal it's abusive, sorry Sad

lose the weight and i guarantee he will find something else to criticize you about.

I can recommend an excellent way to get rid of 10 stone of ugly fat

SolidGoldVampireBat · 11/11/2011 23:56

No, yuck, FFS why put up with this shitbag man? Did you grow up being told that any relationship is better than being single/women have to please men and defer to them? Get yourself a good solicitor and get rid of him.

Bogeyface · 12/11/2011 00:02

He doesnt work, he doesnt treat you with respect, he is spending your savings and pension, he says horrible things about you and doesnt want to commit to you, the mother of his child.

And you dont know if thats normal.

Firstly, no it isnt.

Secondly, the fact that you dont know if its normal tells me that this EA has been going on for alot longer than you realise.

He is a cocklodger, and you know what the MN consensus is on what to do with one of those......

Original poster
pretenditsnormal · 12/11/2011 00:03

Really have lost track of what is normal - my self confidence has disappeared -
Squeakytoy - some of the money was in joint names - but quite a bit was just mine - he pressurised me into putting it into a joint account - mortgage has been on interest only, but I have paid a few lump sums off it. Today he said house would go 50/50 - but I have put more in than him... also he could get a much better job than me..
The weight thing - it does seem like he really doesn't like me - or else surely he wouldnt say it?

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Original poster
pretenditsnormal · 12/11/2011 00:04

am worried he will try and get custody of DS

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Eurostar · 12/11/2011 00:06

He sounds horrible to you. Of course it is not normal to be told about your weight every day in this way. It is worrying to hear that you are using up all of your savings now. You need to look into your financial arrangements to make sure you are protected.

bemybebe · 12/11/2011 00:11

Sad oh dear.
i think you know that this man is one horrible piece to turd, don't you?

Original poster
pretenditsnormal · 12/11/2011 00:13

It isn't that simple to leave - house is still half finished - could't sell it & I couldn't buy him out - not married so not sure where I stand. Will have to see what I can prove from bank statements.

Think I need to see a solicitor - v difficult to do anything as he is around all the time

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Original poster
pretenditsnormal · 12/11/2011 00:14

also we have moved 3 hours away from nearest friends family

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Original poster
pretenditsnormal · 12/11/2011 00:15

Strangely enough he is always nice in front of other people - and nice about me behind my back - just when we are alone...

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NotSuchASmugMarriedNow · 12/11/2011 00:16

What makes you think he'll get custody of your DS?

foolonthehill · 12/11/2011 00:19

Emotionally abusive, verbally abusive man, financially taking the mickey.....
taking it's toll on your emotional and mental well being. Not normal, not nice, not what you deserve, nor your DS.

Sad

You can have 30 minutes of free legal advice from a family lawyer...

foolonthehill · 12/11/2011 00:21

PS not strange that he is nice around other people...part of the abusive package, he manipulates and uses people.

Original poster
pretenditsnormal · 12/11/2011 00:26

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow-I think you have hit the nail on the head - if it's not the weight, it WILL be something else - he already nags me constantly about keeping the house tidy (has OCD) - is very critical of how I bring up our DS.

Just don't know whether I have the strength to leave.

We mentioned splitting up today - and he said that within 6 months of leaving he would meet someone and get married!!!! Just to prove to our son what a loving relationship is - what a strange thing to say.. Angry

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Original poster
pretenditsnormal · 12/11/2011 00:27

He is very clever and very articulate - and has a very strong bond with DS. I think he gave up work as he was jealous I was getting too close to DS!

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Original poster
pretenditsnormal · 12/11/2011 00:28

He keeps making out like I cannot be trusted to do anything properly and that I am not capable of looking after myself and he would be worried for our sons safety

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foolonthehill · 12/11/2011 00:34

Just don't know whether I have the strength to leave funnily enough you may well find that when you leave you suddenly have a lot more strength. along with self-confidence and happiness. not all at once but definitely quicker than you might believe is possible right now.

maybe you could start a diary and keep a few notes of things he says and does that are examples, it will empower you and help you to feel you can see what is going on.

Why would he get custody?? There is nothing in the above that would suggest to anyone that you are an unfit mother...

garlicBread · 12/11/2011 00:35

I suspect he's less clever and articulate than he makes out. Part of the logic behind separating you from your support network is so that you can't measure up his random statements against other people's yardsticks. Try posting some of what he says & does on here, it could be illuminating.

I really would suggest calling Womens Aid in your case, as well. Having a conversation about your relationship, with a woman who really knows the ropes, will do a lot for your sense of reason, and help you see more clearly. You could phone them from work, the doctor's, or from the gym if he doesn't check your mobile.

Misschief101 · 12/11/2011 00:35

This man sounds like a total abusive fuckwit. please, please. please leave him. What sort of man tells his partner she is fat? And puts them down? honey it's emotional abuse. He wouldn't dare say it infront of people because he has a nice guy image and guy's like him don;t like being the bad guy. He's crumbling you so that you hit rock bottom you can't do anything without him. Get the fuck out of this relationship while you still can.

Please do not fall for his he can get custody of the child game. They do that to make you feel worthless and to let you know they can. Seriously get out of this emotional relationship. And take your money out of the account and stick it in one he cant get access too.

Misschief101 · 12/11/2011 00:38

Oh and the whole he keeps making out you can't be trusted and he's worried about the childs safety? Isn't that making you think HOLD UP WTF? Even for your childs sake get out of there

Original poster
pretenditsnormal · 12/11/2011 00:44

foolonthehill .. thank you for those words - it feels good to know there might be something to look forward to.

Re custody - he has threatened me with this many many times - in fact when I was pregnant - I know - why oh why didn't I leave then.. Now everything seems so much more complicated. His latest tack is to say that our son will have severe behavioural problems if we split up and will take his anger out on teachers/ friends/ me...? He is only 4 and knows about shouting already - also said the other day that 'Mummy will go pop if she eats any more' :( (FTR I weigh 9 stone 5, but am only 5 foot 1..)

I would never stop him from seeing DS - but he says if we split he will go to perth (Oz - not Scotland!) Not that I would mind that much!

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Original poster
pretenditsnormal · 12/11/2011 00:46

garlicBread- will try Womensaid tomorrow - he's away for the weekend

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