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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

not sure where to start...

61 replies

pretenditsnormal · 11/11/2011 23:29

Started the morning well... DP saying 'are you sure you are doing enough when you go to the gym? ' This is getting to be a regular topic of conversation - followed by 'is there any point in you going to weight watchers - you don't seem to be losing anything'..

Is it normal to have this day in day out? Have lost track of what is normal and what is not. I am not exactly enormous, but clothes don't look that great on. Did suggest getting married last year - but was told he didn't want a fat wife !

This escalated to a 'discussion' on money - basically DP gave up work nearly 3 years ago (to spend more time with DS & do house up) - living on proceeds from house sale and from an investment that was meant to be my pension. Am starting to feel a bit of a mug, especially as he is not that nice to me

OP posts:
garlicBread · 12/11/2011 00:46

our son will have severe behavioural problems if we split up and will take his anger out on teachers/ friends/ me.

Is he psychic?

garlicBread · 12/11/2011 00:48

Just seen your last! Good for you :)
They may be busy at the weekend but, as he's away, you can leave a message for them to call you back.

Original poster
pretenditsnormal · 12/11/2011 00:51

Miscchief1 - you are right - now I have seen the comments it is more clear - the thing is he sounds so adamant when he speaks to me that I believe it all - eg 'don't you want to lose weight for yourself - it's not me' !!

OP posts:
NotSuchASmugMarriedNow · 12/11/2011 00:54

where has he gone for the week-end? - i'm nosy!

Original poster
pretenditsnormal · 12/11/2011 00:55

To his Mums - managed to get out of it!

OP posts:
NotSuchASmugMarriedNow · 12/11/2011 00:56

Are you sure he's gone to his mums? Did he take your ds with him?

Original poster
pretenditsnormal · 12/11/2011 00:57

Yes he has DS with him - definitely at his mums as I've spoken to him there - he wouldn't go off with him

OP posts:
Original poster
pretenditsnormal · 12/11/2011 00:59

better get some sleep - thanks everyone :)

OP posts:
Misschief101 · 12/11/2011 01:02

Of course he does you are me a year ago. He sounds word for word like my ex. The way he talks to you makes you think he's being caring and he's doing it for your benefit and aw that's sweet he takes the time to tell you what others are thinking and are afraid to say to you... That;s how nasty and fucked up in the head they can be. Please don't allow his words to weight you down. You know in your head what he;s saying is wrong but we excuse it with what I said above.

I'm the same height and size as you. you're what a size 10 since when is that fat? You're not even near the slightly overweight cat let alone in any need to lose anything. The only thing you need to lose is HIM.

Laquitar · 12/11/2011 01:24

He knows you are better than him. In looks, personality, plus you have a job and he doesn't. And you had money from the sale.
Thats why he talks about your weight and he tries to suck your self-esteem.

Stay with him and you will end up with depression, zero self-esteem and a breakdown - thats no good for your son.

Or leave him and start a good life.

Do your homework well, get lots legal information and plan your future.

The question isn't if he likes you or not. Who cares? You are in charge and you decide wether you like an idiot like him.

springydaffs · 12/11/2011 05:48

He sounds very frightening. abuse like this creeps up on you Sad though you are already beginning to break away in your mind/heart on some level re you recognise the comments he made when you were pg were strange and threatening; and now you're posting on here. That's a good sign.

Womens Aid, soon as you can. Get along to a lawyer as soon as you can too to see where you stand. He won't get any better, he will get [much] worse (which he already has done hasn't he? re "things have got so much more complicated lately")

Lots of us on here have left terrifying men when we couldn't see how it was possible. One foot in front of the other OP, you can do it.

LittleWarmHouse · 12/11/2011 09:03

Sorry you are going through this PIN

Take a look on the Support Thread for those in Abusive Relationships No 6 and read some of the links. You may find your P there... and knowledge is power.

garlicBread · 12/11/2011 09:38

Calling you fat (which you're not, btw) = name-calling; undermining; judging & criticising

DS will become delinquent if you split up (which is unrelated to how many parents DS has at home, btw) = theatening; undermining; using children

House still unfinished (which is absurd in 3 years) = financial abuse; justification; stonewalling

Living off your money (he's conned you) = sponging; unrealistic spending

Moving away from your family = isolation

Why not have a click through the menu on this site?

Original poster
pretenditsnormal · 13/11/2011 07:34

Thanks garlicBread and everyone... yesterday felt very strange without him or DS. He is back late this afternoon and I am sort of dreading it. Will not be able to log on after that as it looks odd if I keep deleting history.

Have made an appt with an image consultant in Dec to see if I can make myself look/feel a bit better - it's quite expensive, but think my mum might do it as my xmas present.
Cannot do anything til after Xmas - so will try and dig paperwork out of the attic today in case I need for sols appt.
I am filled with dread

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ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow · 13/11/2011 08:22

Sweetheart, you do not need expensive "image consultation" in order to feel better about yourself.

You just need to a) be rid of, or ignore, those who make comments about your appearance, and b) accept and love yourself just the way you are.

You can throw all the money at it that you want, but until you believe deep down that you are beautiful and lovable, nothing will change.

I think that getting rid of your P is a huge first step in you proving to yourself that you are a valuable human being. Good luck.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/11/2011 08:48

I would agree that you do not need an "image consultation" at all. That's a quick surface fix and will ultimately do nothing.

Read instead "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft. Your man will be in those pages.

He feels you with dread too, no image consult will help with that. What you need to do also is to get this abuser out of your life asap before he completely ruins it along with that of your DS as well. He is more than happy to drag you both down with him. He gives not a shite for you - or your son for that matter.

Whose idea was it also to move you away from your support network - his no doubt. Again this is another tactic abusers use on their victim. All that he has done is abusive in nature. Abuse is about power and control; he wants absolute over you.

Abuse like this in insidious in its onset so it is hard to spot but the signs are certainly there; he is textbook. Such men too do not change; my guess is that he learnt how to be controlling from either one or both of his own parents.

Please call Womens Aid and seek advice from a Solicitor before Christmas; they are so busy in January and you need him out of your lives before then. You don't need to spend Christmas with him.

exoticfruits · 13/11/2011 08:51

You do not need an image consultant. I agree with ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow.
Get rid of the man is the first step.(insecure people make other people feel bad so that they feel better themselves and you have far more going for you than he does).

Original poster
pretenditsnormal · 13/11/2011 10:44

well - just had a very long conversation with Womensaid - unbelievably helpful - have given me the local Outreach number to get a good local solicitor - said to take things one step at a time and try and retrieve whatever documentation I can, as things are very complicated financially. Just off up to the attic!

OP posts:
noseinbook · 13/11/2011 10:44

You can delete just mumsnet on history, and leave some more innocent sites that you have visited.

ImperialBlether · 13/11/2011 11:25

Yes, do you know how to delete a particular site rather than all of them? If not, let us know and we'll talk you through it.

I am SO glad you're not married to this man. He sounds absolutely awful.

I would definitely start to make plans to leave him. I would hope he did go off to Perth. Please, though, make sure your mum or your solicitor keeps hold of your son's passport and if I were you I'd ask your solicitor how to tell Passport Control that your son shouldn't be allowed to leave the country without you.

I do think you should behave as though he might attempt to take your son abroad.

garlicBread · 13/11/2011 14:06

Oh, well done, OP! I'm so glad you got through and got motivated!
Why are you reading this? Shouldn't you be in the attic?! Grin

springydaffs · 13/11/2011 15:43

I don't agree that an expensive makeover is a bad idea - it can be a good idea (or a change of some kind to signify a deeper change within iyswim). there's that song 'gonna wash that man right outta my hair' - a grain of truth in that! I had my hair cut dramtically short - I remember the shock on my solicitor's face when he saw me, and people took me aside to gently suggest I'd gone a bit far. I had, but I needed to get him gone and cutting my hair off signified that (it grew, no worries Wink)

However, I would suggest you exercise caution, as a big change could alert him to your dramatic change of heart and, for the forseeable, I think it's a good idea to keep secret what is going on in your head and heart; otherwise he will up his control if he senses you're slipping away. Beaver away on your plans undetected for now - you'll have the chance to make big changes once you're free. But if a makeover of some kind boosts your confidence then go for it, I say.

Well done OP.

ChippingInNeedsSleep · 13/11/2011 16:18

9.5 stone is not fat, not even at your height. The weight is just another control issue with him.

Why can't you do anything before Christmas?

If he's even thinking about Australia (which I'd be heavily encouraging him to do!) then make sure he cannot take DS. Do what you have to do. Do not trust him on this issue.

Original poster
pretenditsnormal · 14/11/2011 13:23

Oh springydaffs, my thoughts exactly - there is no way I can let him have an inkling of what is going on as that would make things unbearable. Dug quite a bit of paperwork out yesterday, which made depressing reading. But the money really isn't everything.

He came back yesterday - could cut the atmosphere with a knife. He thinks I am being totally unreasonable - says I am just thinking of the money and that I need something to worry about and that my worry is destroying us.
Thing is if wasn't so nasty somethimes, the money wouldn't matter - just have to look after myself in the long run. Plus how does he expect me to react when he tells me that he leaves he will meet someone else and marry them within 6 months?!
Trying to get a sols appointment for Wednesday as my Mum's down - just to see where I stand.
Typing in the library!

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Original poster
pretenditsnormal · 14/11/2011 13:25

Don't suppose by any slight chance that anyone knows a decent family law sol in Totnes?

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