Am I wrong to love my DD more than my DH?

[kimberlina]

I admitted this to DH recently and he was really shocked and offended I think. He maintains that he loves me more than he loves DD. I really hoped that he would love DD more than he loved me. Yes, I know that its a different type of love but I know that if I had to choose then it would be DD without a moments hesitation.

what do you mean 'if you had to choose?' do you mean - in a housefire type situation and you and you can only rescue one or the other? in that situation, i think a lot of people would rescue the child on the grounds that they still have their whole life to live. doesn't mean you necessarily love them more.

but do you mean something else?

Yes

How old is DD? are you possibly in the grips babydom where your mother nature post birth hormones have taken over?

Wrong to tell him (why? )and to be surprised that he is offended.

You sound a very weird and immature couple.

Seems an odd thing to say to him. Were you trying to make him feel bad? Do you normally try to arrange your loved ones into a hierarchy? Mum, dad, brother, sister...

My DH knows I love the children more than him, and is pleased that I do. I think he would find it slightly unnatural if I didn't - although some days I could quite happily never see the kids again, but I never feel like that about him.

kimberlina, you are not wrong to feel that way and it's too late now, but did you have to tell DH? Could you just not have said so? Love is difficult to measure but if you live happily with everyone knowing they are loved, then whether you love one more than the other, well, it is surely just not necessary to say.

Yes I suppose a housefire was what I was thinking. But also DH has less patience with DD than me and so doesn't always want to spend time with her. So if I have to choose who to spend time with then usually I would choose DD.

I think it's a totally different kind of love and you just can't compare the two. So yes, you should not have said it and need to explain this.

Your DD is a young child - she needs you to nurture her, raise her, love her and teach her to be a good human being. Your feeling towards her are huge - protectiveness, pride, overwhelming warmth and a lot more.

Your DH is the partner you chose to have your DD with. He has played a part in who and what she is. He is your lover, your sounding board, the one who holds your heart in his hands and the father of your DD. I think you have really made him feel diminished - not that you meant to do that, I just think you expressed yourself in a very unfortunate way. He needs to know what he means to you and to your DD and you have to acknowledge to yourself and to him how much he matters.

Please go and mend fences.

It is a different kind of love, but in a burning building I would save DD first and DP second - but I think he would do the same.

I love my Ds more than I love my dh so no I don't think you're wrong

I know that if something happened to dh I'd be v upset but I would get over it in time but if something happened to Ds I really can't imagine how I could carry on. He is the most important person in my life.

Maybe I am confusing protectiveness with love. I know I am definitely more protective of DD than DH. I never meant to diminish him. We are having a bit of a tough patch but I do still love him

lindsell - your post has made me feel a bit better. That is exactly how I feel

I find it bizarre how frequently this thread gets repeated on MN. Do people rank their love for their children as wel?l -

"Darling, I love your brother more than you, in a burning building I would save them first...don't cry darling, I'm just telling you how I feel, what is wrong with that?".

I don't think how you feel is unusual - but openly admitting it to your partner might not be too tactful

i think many mums secretly love their children a tiny bit more than their husbands but would never actually admit that to their face.
and yes it is a different kind of love.
i adore all of them so ive never really thought about comparing the levels of love.
but if i had to think about it then no, i dont think youre wrong but just dont mention it again, its a silly conversation. IMO. and each to their own.
just make him a nice dinner and all will be well again, they are fairly simple creatures those males.

ps sorry, just seen your post about you having problems just now in relationship.
dont we all. thats marriage. hope you work it out. if hes a good dad the kids must adore him so that should help you love him a bit more. does that make sense? i know what i mean.

I'm pretty sure several of my friends feel the same way about their dc v dh but it's not something generally talked about! I've never expressly said anything to dh although I suspect he guesses.

I guess if you're having a bit of a bad patch he's more sensitive about stuff like that, I think a lot of men (my dh def included!) find it hard to adapt to having majority of their dw's attention to having (often) v little!

Genesis 2:24 Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh

There is no quote that puts a child over a parent in the equality stakes.

Your spouse come before all else. Sorry.

For those of you doing the burning building scenario - which of your chilkdren would you save first? the oldest? the youngest? the nearest? the one you dont admit to liking best?

IMO it's ridiculous to compare the two. Nothing to can ever compare to the love a parent has for a child and for any partner to hope to live up to that kind of love is, well, a bit weird really. I wouldn't want my DH to love me in the way he loves DS as it's not an equal love, it's the love of a parent to a child. I chose my DH and if it came to it I could probably choose another DH but my son is my son and nothing will ever change that.

For you guys to have such a silly hurtful conversation there must be a lot more going on, I'm guessing.

I'm going to bed now. Tomorrow is a new day. I'm going to try to build some bridges tomorrow

I chose my dh. I chose him to spend the rest of my life with. I am nuts over my children, but I only expect to spend the 18 years with them. My dh I expect to spend the whole of the rest of my life with.

I see your point goodasgold, but isn't your love for your DH conditional? I mean you wouldn't stay with him for the rest of your life if he was shagging someone else or if he hurt you, and if you did split up with him your love for him would eventually wither away and you could go on to love someone else. In contrast most parents love their children no matter what and even if they never saw their child for decades they would still love them and want to be near them. It's two totally different situations.

I don't think it's helpful to compare the love in quantity, as the relationships are so different, and your children's current neediness means that you are also the centre of their universe at the moment - but that will change.

I suspect it may well be true that you can get over the death of a spouse but losing one's child is worse because it is not the natural oder of these things. But I can't face such thoughts on a Friday night!