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Original poster

Am I wrong to love my DD more than my DH?

79 replies

kimberlina · 11/11/2011 22:19

I admitted this to DH recently and he was really shocked and offended I think. He maintains that he loves me more than he loves DD. I really hoped that he would love DD more than he loved me. Yes, I know that its a different type of love but I know that if I had to choose then it would be DD without a moments hesitation.

OP posts:
Nesbo · 11/11/2011 23:24

Exactly, why compare. In any event it is the sort of thing you only say when you really want tell someone that you dont love with them as you used to and you want them to know that. It just seems like a safe and socially acceptable way of saying it.

There is a slightly odd implication though that this is something that only women feel about their kids. Men presumably would eat their young given half a chance :-)

hmc · 11/11/2011 23:30

I love my dc infinitely more than dh but wouldn't tell him this - that would be hurtful

superdragonmama · 11/11/2011 23:40

When I had dc's I gradually realised i loved them far more than dh. After several years dh and i were divorced (my choice, not his). It's not a great thing to realise.

FWIW my opinions if that there is a big difference between feeling more protective towards dd than dh - surely this is only natural as dc's need more protection than grown adults? - but love?? How do you truly compare love for another adult with love for a child? My love for my children forced me to realise that my ex-marriage was barren.

Am now re-married and now know what secure, deep love with another adult is. And now also understand that I never compare my love for my children with my love for my husband, they are different because my role in their lives is different, but my love for these dear people is equally deep and secure.

Feel that your issue Kimberlina is terminology, not a lack of love for your dh, btw :)

toptramp · 11/11/2011 23:43

They are different types of love surely? The love you have for your dp is a sexual love which has evolved into a partnership whilst the love you have for your child is a motherly love. Whys does one have to be better than the other? Surely both are valid and it would be inappropraite to swap them around.

SolidGoldVampireBat · 11/11/2011 23:54

Well it;s never a good move to tell someone that they are less loved than someone else. However I think people who love their partners more than their DC are a bit weird. Partners are replaceable, DC are not.

Xmasbaby11 · 12/11/2011 00:07

I just can't see the point of comparing something so immeasurable as love. It reminds me of my Chinese friends who were all only children, and believed that if you have 2 children, they only have half the love, as if love is a finite quantity.

Can you imagine comparing your love for your best friend with your mother, for example? You might get on with the friend a lot better and prefer to spend time with them. and you may even complain about your mother to your friend, but you may well still spend a lot more time with your mothe r - and you may love her more.

There are many types of love and we should appreciate all of them. Luckily it is highly unlikely we will ever have to choose between them in any serious way.

jasper · 12/11/2011 00:30

No, doesn't everyone?

carantala · 12/11/2011 00:55

Just wait until you have more children or even grandchildren! You will be shaken by the absolute joy and love which is experienced! Does not mean that you care less for other people; just that your heart has expanded to adore and treasure yet another person!

startail · 12/11/2011 01:15

DH is my best friend, I lived with him for 8 years before DCs, I hope to live with him for many years after they've left home.
Do I love him more, no I couldn't choose in that sense. But I need him more!

MrFawkesMan · 12/11/2011 01:20

Don't know about everyone else, but some days I don't know who I want to murder first.

YourMother · 12/11/2011 01:37

Callin nailed it for me. I have unconditional love for my children; if my husband hurt me, betrayed me, stopped loving me etc then I would move on but I could never stop loving my children.

Catslikehats · 12/11/2011 04:16

I thought it was a given that everyone loved their children more than their DP's.

I don't even really understand why it is a problem if your DP knows this. I would think far more of a man who would put me before his own child.

Veruca · 12/11/2011 08:14

No I don't think your wrong!

Proudnscary · 12/11/2011 08:16

I don't think you're wrong either. I am very lucky in that I still truly love my dh after nearly 18 years, but I love my children more. I just do.

Proudnscary · 12/11/2011 08:17

QueenofDenial - totes agree with everything you said.

nulgirl · 12/11/2011 08:24

Caitlin Dana has expressed my feelings exactly. Its the difference between conditional/ unconditional love. My love for dh is/was conditional. I loved him very much but he has put me through so much hell over the past couple of years with his mental health problems that I can imagine that my life may be better without him. Several years ago i could never have imagined not loving him. My love for the dcs is so deep/ programmed that i would love them no matter what they do.

youllbewaiting · 12/11/2011 08:32

So fathers are at the bottom of the pecking order...I knew it.

ithaka · 12/11/2011 08:33

I don't love my children more that my husband, I would feel there was something lacking in my marriage if I did. My husband is my rock, we have been together 20 years and I cannot imagin life without him.

We have experienced the death of our child and it was our deep love for each other (as well as our surviving child) that kept us pushing through.

Love is not a competition, our family is everything to both of us and we would both die for our children (I wish we could have).

Reading this thread makes me realise how strong my marriage is and how lucky I am to have that grand passion in my life.

Proudnscary · 12/11/2011 08:38

youllbewaiting - 'fathers' aren't the bottom of the pecking order - husbands are.

It's quite right too. We are biologicially programmed to love our chidlren unconditionally so that we don't reject them, not matter what they do.

I value my husband, who I love dearly, more as a father than as my partner.

Catslikehats · 12/11/2011 08:50

Actually it is parents that are at the bottom of the pecking order.

As I said I would expect my husband to put our DC before me and would be horrified if he didn't.

I love my DH dearly and would hope never to be in a position to have to "choose", although I use the term loosely as there is no choice DC's first without question.

I actually think women who say they love their DH's more than their DC are weird, this topic came up recently and a close friend said she loved her DH more and to be frank it made me think a lot less of her.

CowboysGal · 12/11/2011 08:53

I don't love my DC more than my DH. I don't love my Mum more than my Dad or my brother more than my sister. The love I have for them all is different. I have different relationships with them all eg, I have a closer bond with my sister but think that's the female connection doesn't make me love my brother less. Having 5 children I love each of them differently too as they are all unique and have their own ways of driving me up the bloody wall I couldn't possibly say I love any member of my family more than another,how can anyone measure these things? If my DH told me he loved the children more than he loved me I'd be a bit taken aback and would probably assume I'd pissed him off

garlicBread · 12/11/2011 08:53

Why are you even thinking like this? If you wanted to put DH down, or set up a rivalry, you're going the right way about it :(

Love for a child is unconditional, yes. Love for an adult isn't. You choose to love your partner and are obliged to love your children. Same for your partner. Perhaps you could do with a reminder that you and DH each choose to love each other, every day?

Good luck with the bridge-building.

Nesbo · 12/11/2011 08:53

Presumably in light of this "natural", "unconditional" love that all mothers just obviously have for their children you never find children who get abused or abandoned by them, and you certainly wouldn't get people posting in Relationships about their awful relationships with them. Oh....

Perhaps there is just a touch of idealism in that idea of the perfect, incorruptable relationship.

WhatsWrongWithYou · 12/11/2011 08:59

That's how it is in our family, for both of us, and it's how it should be, IMO.

Catslikehats · 12/11/2011 09:04

nesbo only as idealistic as the "I will be with my DH forever" comments.

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