Might be the wrong place but I've bottled this for too long and want to talk about the sexual abuse I suffered as a child

[AshamedAndAngry]

I have spoken about it on here briefly before but bottled it and asked for the thread to be deleted. I've name changed now though and closed profile.

I've never spoken to it before, not really, I've mentioned it but been too ashamed to go into it fully. Perhaps I need counselling. Maybe this will be cathartic. It's affected my whole adult life and sex life, I think it's also made me attention seeking or maybe I am just an attention seeker, I dunno.

I never told my parents, it would rip them apart. Someone else once told a story about this man, it's virtually identical to mine. No one believed her. I believe but have no evidence that two other girls were also abused, I'd like to ask but I can't really.

I feel it's my fault, I didn't have to visit him as a child, I could have avoided but I didn't, what must that say about me? I guess it went on between the ages of 7 and 12, I remember the first time clearly. He used to give my money, make me promise to hide the money and make me promise to never say anything. An adult friend once asked where I'd got my money, I told her but said it was a secret, why didn't she delve deeper?

It's funny Annie my parents, my mum especially were also very alert, my mum sometimes questioned me visiting etc but they both decided there was no harm. This man, he was clever, he was also childlike though, made him seem harmless, he was a very trusted friend, almost family, he had what I guess would have seemed like a genuine affinity with children. He didn't seem creepy.

Hi OP. I'm sorry to read what has happened to you. You are certainly not alone. I recently heard the people who run this organisation interviewed on the radio www.oneinfour.org.uk/ -and,as their name suggests, 1 in 4 people may have been abused in childhood. It's dreadful and dreadful too that the NHS in many areas do not have specially trained counsellors for those who have suffered childhood abuse.

What people are saying about it not going on your medical records is not accurate in all cases. It depends on how the services are set up in your area. However, please don't let it put you off, as someone else said, your records are confidential.

If you want to look for an organisation to speak to who are outside the NHS, this organisation will let you know what is in your area www.napac.org.uk/

Opening up about things could make you feel unsafe and upset while you are on the road to healing and that is why it is important that you are supported while you do this, be it even via a specialist helpline for now rather than formal therapy. There are many wonderful people on this forum but it is a public, open forum and not designed to safely support you without some other proper support in place.

If you don't feel up to going to the GP give that a miss for the moment. Do keep it in mind though, and try to go in the not too distant future, otherwise there's a danger that you will manage to push it back down for the time being only for it all to come bubbling back up in a couple of months. It really is worth facing it and getting through it, but it is a very tough process and you're likely to feel very bad for a while. Like Eurostar said, you need support through it. Do you think you can find that support in real life?

How did you feel at his funeral?

I was very sad at his funeral. Sad that he had died. I can't understand why.

I'm not sad now btw. I just wish he had suffered longer, long enough for me to have gone to the police. He did suffer though, I know it's wrong but I'm glad about that

I'm going to try and make an appointment tomorrow. Send me bravery vibes

Hi, I was abused as a child by my Stepfather and didnt tell anyone for 30 years, and only then because I had a son and I didnt want my stepfather anywhere near him. I have had counselling and it helped to some extent. You should bear in mind that you are judging yourself as an adult when you were a child at the time. My stepfather had a horrific accident and I was distraught, even after what he had done to me so I can understand why you would be upset at his funeral. Please try and be kind to yourself, remember you were a child when this happened.
The one thing I struggle with still is that He did not threaten me or bribe me and in a perverse way I welcomed the attention as it was better than the emotional abuse.

AaA,

Have namechanged as I feel much like you do and I am not ready to tell even on an anonymous website. Completely completely understand you weeping at his funeral - I think it is possible to love someone and hate what they have done at the same time. I am torn like that - likewhensteready I used to almost crave the attention even though I didn't want the abuse IYKWIM.

I think you are so brave for doing this. I have had two therapists bookmarked on my laptop for over a year now and I still haven't plucked up the courage to contact them. I just imagine the first session and just can't face it.

I have also read that book that thingumy linked to - and I knew I had to seek help but I am terrified of the effect it will have on my life at the outset - will it stop me being a good mother to my DC while I struggle with everything that has happened.

Saying all that though, I know you are absolutely making the right decision and I am full of admiration for you. I hope I can gain some strength from this thread and people's stories to do the same.

Sending :)

I've not name changed and was abused by my Dad from the ages of six to ten. I've not name changed because I no longer feel dirty and guilty. He was the one who chose to violently and sexually abuse a child and I didn't deserve it. Just as this person chose to do it to you and you didn't deserve it.

By the way, I had EMDR as part of my therapy and it was so effective in accessing those memories and removing the trauma.

Hello AngryAndRepulsed (from a post of yours on Friday). Your nn should be this not the one you started this thread with. I understand why you feel shame. Most victims of childhood sexual abuse do. They shouldn't. It's not your, or their, fault. I wasn't sexually abused as a child, but I was physically and mentally tortured. I will save that for the "Stately Homes" thread (one day). Two of my xps told me about their abuse. Both times I was the first person they had ever told. One of them has dealt with it, the other hasn't.

You deserve so much respect for speaking about this. I send my to you. I don't need them atm, so use them to make you well. I will need them back one day, so I can post about my experiences. Take care.

AAA - I believe you. It wasn't your fault. You were a child and an adult assaulted you in the worst possible way. It wasn't your fault.

IT WAS NEVER YOUR FAULT.EVER.

You take your time AAA.

Speak out when you are ready.

Thoughts for you all x

Sorry, had to finish my post as DH came home.

I would really recommend counselling, WHEN you're ready. There's nothing they haven't heard and you can even say you're not ready to talk specifics yet but just want to talk about your childhood in general terms.

And if / when you're ready, you can always write down what you're really there to talk about on a piece of paper and hand it to them if you're not ready to say the words. You can even write, "Please don't use the following words, I'm not ready to have my experience defined in those terms."

My counsellor and I use the term, 'that incident' to refer to something where I don't want to use the word.

I would really really recommend taking the first step and seeing how you get on.

Yes, totally agree Rhinestone.

Good post there.

How are you doing AaA? Did you ring?