Might be the wrong place but I've bottled this for too long and want to talk about the sexual abuse I suffered as a child

[AshamedAndAngry]

I have spoken about it on here briefly before but bottled it and asked for the thread to be deleted. I've name changed now though and closed profile.

I've never spoken to it before, not really, I've mentioned it but been too ashamed to go into it fully. Perhaps I need counselling. Maybe this will be cathartic. It's affected my whole adult life and sex life, I think it's also made me attention seeking or maybe I am just an attention seeker, I dunno.

I never told my parents, it would rip them apart. Someone else once told a story about this man, it's virtually identical to mine. No one believed her. I believe but have no evidence that two other girls were also abused, I'd like to ask but I can't really.

I feel it's my fault, I didn't have to visit him as a child, I could have avoided but I didn't, what must that say about me? I guess it went on between the ages of 7 and 12, I remember the first time clearly. He used to give my money, make me promise to hide the money and make me promise to never say anything. An adult friend once asked where I'd got my money, I told her but said it was a secret, why didn't she delve deeper?

Ashamed

You need to ask yourself - if you had a 7 year old little girl standing in front of you telling you this, would you think she had brought it upon herself.

You are looking at your actions when you were a child through the prism of your adult understanding.

He groomed you. He has made you feel as if you were complicit. But you were a child. You had no sense that what you were doing was wrong. Now you look back and see it for what it is but at the time it would have felt secret and possibly even exciting, because an adult was taking special interest in you and confiding in you and trusting you to keep quiet. That is heady stuff.

You were a child. You have nothing to feel guilty about or ashamed of.

Pag, thanks, I have actually spoken about this with you before, different name.

I know you're right yet i can't make that connection between knowing it wasn't me and feeling that way. I have an almost 7 year old dd, I'd never think it was her fault.

So sorry. Not your fault.

I have nothing helpful to add. Just wanted to say I am so sorry

Keep talking, if it helps

I don't want to keep saying "you are wrong to think that, you are wrong to think this"

I clearly and utterly think you are but your feelings are yours, yours to work through at whatever pace suits you

Many predators use money and gifts to buy, not your acquiesecence (because you didn't understand) but your silence

it's very successful, you were the victim, not the aggressor

Have you tried online counselling? Might be a first step before you talk to someone face to face. Going to crash now, but thinking of you, hope you get some kind of resolution. You must be very strong to have got this far x

Abusers often use money or sweets (or fags, drink and mobiles these days) so that the young person feels that a "bargain" has been made. It's also to make a child feel that they have done something wrong by taking the "bribe" which helps to ensure their silence. It's a horrible part of the abuse, and you should not feel guilty about your entirely understandable actions.

Yes I've just remembered, he bought me a mobile phone, this was when they were very new, and I was very into horses, he bought me riding clothes, my parents thought he was kind. Arsehole.

Didn't know there was such a thing as online counselling. Would my gp refer me for counselling? Would I have to tell him why? I don't want this on my medical records. Would I have to pay?

I understand.
It is the shame. It's a killer.

But counselling will help if you find the right counsellor.
Mine was great. Asked the right thing at the right time iyswim. Made me see that this perception of myself - that I was 'wrong' , he had seen that I was was dirty, worthless - was the result of what he did.
I am not explaing this well.

I look back and feel ashamed that he must have picked me because I would go along with it.
But I went along with it because he had picked me. No child would have been able to out smart him. He was very good at manipulation. He manipulated everyone. Like your abuser did.

Just to say that anyfucker is right, you were a little girl, and you weren't able to understand what was really going on. None of it is your fault. I'm sure talking about it will be a first step in recovering from this abuse.

OP,

It is common for victims to have ambivalent feelings towards their adult abusers. It is no reflection on you. Contact below will help you in confidence:

www.supportline.org.uk

I feel like other people would think less of me if they knew, I'm not talking general knowledge but people I've told, it's a cliche I know but I feel they think im dirty or just flat out disbelieve

Your GP can refer you, and you wouldn't have to spill all at that point to get one. You wouldn't have to pay. It doesn't matter if a referral is on your medical records, because they are confidential.

The details of the discussions at counselling would not go on your records, only the referral itself. And you would only be expected to talk about what you are comfortable with.

I don't know how I'd initially launch into talking about it. I'm not sure I could.

It is however good to know it wouldn't be on records. I'd hate that.

Do you have a trusted friend you could take along to the GP appt ?

WRT counselling, you needn't worry about that. Really. These people are trained to help you. They will facilitate you talking if you are ready

Yes. You only have to talk about what you want to. You control the process.

Ashamed. (I kind of wish that wasn't your name) tbh some people didn't believe me. And some people drew a veil over it. It happens, not least because you are a grown up and people can't comprehend the things you are telling them about what they thought they knew. My parents had a particular difficulty with this.

But talking about it helps. It really does. Because you have nothing to feel ashamed of and the more you say that out loud the better.

I have to make myself post about this under my own name. Sometimes I find it really hard. But I didn't do anything wrong and I am choosing nit to be ashamed any more. I never could have done this before my counselling.

I don't know if I'd feel comfortable taking a friend. I have a gp who is amazing though I think I'd feel silly asking about counselling

Yes last time I haf a thread on this, it was my regular name, I had to have it deleted I couldn't bear the thought someone would fid me from rl. I always find your honesty as a well known poster able to talk about it very brave Pag, I hope that doesn't sound odd.

I'm not sure I could handle open disbelief which is why it could never be ar for my parents to know. That and the fact it would tear them apart

I think talking this through with someone at a counselling appointment would help. it's not unusual to feel as you describe and someone with knowledge of child abuse and why it is so hard to tell might be able to help you work through some of this. There are people out there trained to help, GP would be a good start for a referral. I hope you can find strength and insight so you can understand, forgive yourself and find some peace.

Honestly I am not brave, just a bit further down the journey than you.

I haven't used my cow selling to go and fix anything in real life. It isn't about that. I was scared like you are. I thought I was starting a prices that would lead to me having to talk about things I didn't want to, or talk to my parents or siblings. But it really doesn't have to be like that.
It is all about you feeling better. And honestly, you deserve that.

Hahahaha at cow selling

Sorry. Counselling

I did wonder about the cow selling. seemed a bit Jack and the Beanstalkesque .

I'm sorry. I'm old and this is late for me...

it's fine, lightened the mood and made me giggle and stop being me me me