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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Might be the wrong place but I've bottled this for too long and want to talk about the sexual abuse I suffered as a child

91 replies

AshamedAndAngry · 10/11/2011 20:13

I have spoken about it on here briefly before but bottled it and asked for the thread to be deleted. I've name changed now though and closed profile.

I've never spoken to it before, not really, I've mentioned it but been too ashamed to go into it fully. Perhaps I need counselling. Maybe this will be cathartic. It's affected my whole adult life and sex life, I think it's also made me attention seeking or maybe I am just an attention seeker, I dunno.

I never told my parents, it would rip them apart. Someone else once told a story about this man, it's virtually identical to mine. No one believed her. I believe but have no evidence that two other girls were also abused, I'd like to ask but I can't really.

I feel it's my fault, I didn't have to visit him as a child, I could have avoided but I didn't, what must that say about me? I guess it went on between the ages of 7 and 12, I remember the first time clearly. He used to give my money, make me promise to hide the money and make me promise to never say anything. An adult friend once asked where I'd got my money, I told her but said it was a secret, why didn't she delve deeper?

OP posts:
Pagwatch · 10/11/2011 22:29

Actually I do have to disappear but please think about it Ashamed.
There are lots of us who understand a bit about how you feel and you shouldn't have to. There is excellent advice on this thread.
I hope talking on here helps a bit too

AnyFucker · 10/11/2011 22:39

OP, sleep on it and come and tell us tomorrow how you are feeling x

AshamedAndAngry · 11/11/2011 08:11

Weird restless nights sleep. I guess that's because I've written/been thinking about it a lot.

OP posts:
Pagwatch · 11/11/2011 08:36

Yes, you have stirred things up in your head.

Have you had any coherent thoughts or are you just feeling emotional/anxious?
Writing here has been a good start you know. It was a big step I think, which is such a good thing.

(I am whizzing around today and away most of the weekend but I will come back to the thread when I can. Don't want you to think I have just lost interest)

Imnotaslimjim · 11/11/2011 09:03

Ashamed, well done at making this first step. I'm also a survivor, and though you may not realise it, what you have done is huge

Now you have started, you will want to see it through. Whether you do it now, or leave it a couple more years. Seeing a counsellor is a good next step. You can give a basic outline to your GP and they will refer you on to who you need to see. I was terrified at first, thinking the same as AF - once you start you need to talk about it all or tell everyone. I still haven't told my parents and don't think I ever will be, but it doesn't affect my life any more. Not like it used to.

We are here, we are listening. Keep talking

Anniegetyourgun · 11/11/2011 09:16

Children go along with a lot of things they don't like, just because an adult told them to. Homework, dentists, chores, drinking bitter medicine, going to the head teacher's study for a telling off... who enjoys those things, but didn't we all comply anyway, even if we didn't always understand why? If it's something nasty but necessary we are often rewarded, or consoled, with sweets or toys. Tooth fairy anyone? It was ok because our parents said so. And if your abuser is someone your parents trust, friend, neighbour, uncle, priest, you accept their authority too. Children are programmed to obey and learn from adults as a good aid to survival - "honour thy father and thy mother, that thy days may be long" etc - but sometimes it backfires when the adults are not worthy of trust. (And there's a bit in the Bible about what should happen to them, too.)

CailinDana · 11/11/2011 09:20

I have no direct advice to offer but I thought it might help to tell you about my experiences.

I was abused as a child by a friend of my parents, firstly when he stayed in our house and a few years later when we stayed in his. When I told my mother about it as a teenager it was clear she knew something about it already, though I'm not sure how, which was a horrible feeling as she had never approached me about it or checked if I was ok. She then went on to tell me about an incident that happened when she was a child in a sort of "see, it happens to everyone" way, and said I should forget about it. She also strenuously insisted that I not tell my father about it. That reaction, basically the "it's nothing, get over it and tell no one" reaction, did far more damage IMO than the abuse itself because my abuser had no duty of care towards me while my mother did and still does to an extent. She would rather pretend it didn't happen than help me in any way. Unfortunately this seems to happen a lot for people who reveal abuse. I don't know why but people seem to want to shut it away and forget about it. I suppose it makes them uncomfortable.

Luckily for me my DH (just a new bf at the time) was willing to listen to me talk about it for hours on end. He was upset and angry about what happened. In fact one time he said "If I saw that guy I'd kill him, I really would," and that more than anything helped me at that time. For the first time I felt like someone cared about what had happened and that it really was horrible and wrong. I had some counselling at the time but unfortunately it didn't go very well. The first counsellor I had was horrendous. Basically she didn't listen to what I said, gave me pointless "exercises" to do which didn't help and implied more than once that it was my "trusting nature" that contributed to the abuse happening. It sent me back down on a spiral of self-loathing and I broke up with my DH (then bf) and things went severely to shit.

Then I found a better counsellor who really was an angel to me. Because of my previous experience with the other counsellor I didn't talk about the abuse directly, mainly about how I felt and about the break up. With her help I saw that I had rather strange ideas about myself, that I felt unworthy and useless despite a heap of evidence to the contrary. As a result of that counselling I regained enough self esteem and stability to go back pretty much to normal and more importantly to get back with my wonderful DH (who was kind enough to have me back!)

I sort of put the whole thing to bed as best I could at the time but about 5 years later it all suddenly came back to bite me on the ass. I became depressed, more severely so, and I told a friend about what happened. He was great and very understanding. Again his upset reaction helped me. Foolishly I tried to talk to my mother about it again, and again she dismissed it. I can't forgive her for that and in some ways I consider her refusal to help me worse in a way than the abuse. I'm still working on getting over it.

Like you I felt ashamed. Telling understanding friends about it really helped to lift that shame. Another friend I told actually cried and I was shocked. I asked him why he was crying and he said because he was imagining how he would feel if it was his step daughter it had happened to (she was a similar age to the age I was when it happened). That made me see it from another perspective.

As others have said, you are interpreting the abuse through adult eyes but when it happened you were a child. You were taught by your parents to respect adults and you sought adult attention just like any other child. You had no training whatsoever in standing up to someone, especially not someone that everyone liked and respected. You were following what you were taught - listen to adults, especially one who is kind and generous.

Something very hard to admit was that I liked my abuser, genuinely liked him. I craved his attention. I know that was partly because I got no physical affection from my parents and I was starved for it. I won't go into detail but my mother was also unwittingly complicit in a major part of the abuse. I say unwittingly but really looking back she should have known better. She should have known that a grown man showing interest in a young girl wasn't appropriate. I did protest by the way but I was told not to be so difficult. I hang on to that, the fact that I tried to stop having to go with him but was dismissed. I did try, but what could I do? My trusted parents were telling me it was what I had to do. I was a good girl who did what she was told.

I do still find it hard to talk about but I don't feel ashamed any more. I was a victim of a crime. I can understand people being uncomfortable hearing about it as it's a difficult topic that isn't widely talked about but that's their problem not mine. I don't go around telling everyone and anyone about it but my close friends know about it. For the most part they have been fantastic in supporting me and listening to me.

Sorry for waffling on but I hope my story helped somewhat. If you have any questions feel free to ask.

SnapesMistress · 11/11/2011 09:44

Just to say OP its good that you are coming out and talking about it. The more you speak about these things (to trusted people and professionals) the better it will become. By making your experiences seem less massive, secretive and dirty to you, you will perhaps be better able to deal with them.

I'm so sorry that you went through this and I find the lack of support people get from their families the hardest to understand.

Cailin your mother treated you dreadfully, how do you deal with her now and do you think you will ever tell your father? :(

CailinDana · 11/11/2011 09:52

I live in a different country to my mother and having the space from her has been a godsend. I've come to realise that over the years I've wasted massive amounts of energy trying to get her to be caring mother I wished for and now I've accepted she's never going to be that it's been easier. We're friendly, we text and talk on the phone now and again and she visits a couple of times a year. That's totally manageable for me.

I feel sorry for her really. She had a hard childhood and was abused herself. She is still a million miles away from dealing with it and it has severely affected her even though she doesn't realise that. She doesn't show affection and has very low self esteem. I've accepted her for who she is and though I still feel some anger towards her I realise that she knew no better and didn't do anything maliciously.

liverLadyLass · 11/11/2011 10:15

Hi op
I'm so sorry you had to go through this as a child, my story is very similar to yours, I went to see a therapist after many years of depression, anxiety and problems in my sex life and it has helped me so much that I know miss my therapist but of course in a good way, he helped me in a way that I could see the wrongs as they were and accepted I was not to blame and helped me move on with my life, to the point I had the courage to re-visit where I stayed as a child, my abuser was my step father and it started when after my mother had married him, i was eight and it didn't stop until I was 15 by then I had moved out and I also blamed myself, I urge you to see the doctor and explain a little so he can organise the best therapist for you, the only thing that was difficult for me was me opening up for the first time in 21 years but I wish I had not had left it as long and punish myself for something that was completely not my fault,
You were a child, completely not to blame,
If you need to talk about anything it's no bother at all hugs xx

AshamedAndAngry · 11/11/2011 10:22

I am reading. I'm a bit busy ATM and too many people to answer personally to right now and a bit overwhelminb but I will be back later.

Interestingly and sadly my mum was also abused as a child, she spoke to me often about the importance of speaking out if something happened, I don't know why I never did.

Im so sorry to those of you who have also been through this horror, I'm amazed and so sad that there's so many of you.

I will be back later.

OP posts:
playdead · 11/11/2011 10:35

Sorry you had a bad sleep OP.

How are you feeling today?

Love the name CailinDana but you're not really a bold girl are you? Grin

AshamedAndAngry · 11/11/2011 11:25

I feel a bit odd today tbh. A bit like I'm making a fuss over nothing, like I don't deserve all this kindness iyswin

OP posts:
Thingumy · 11/11/2011 11:45

Do you feel like you split yourself into two people AAA?

One that 'that' happened to and one that was/is you?

(am also a fellow survivor)

I recommend reading this book,it really helped me understand why I was feeling the way I was and why I thought the way I did. There is also a workbook by the same authors if you really don't want to seek counselling but I would suggest you do find a counsellor who specialises in Childhood trauma and abuse.It really,really helped me let go of my anger,which let me live healthily.

Take care of yourself,some days are better than others.Try to allow your inner child to grieve for that bit of her that was taken away.

vixsatis · 11/11/2011 12:49

OP I hope that this is the first day of beginning to believe that none of this was your fault: you were a child, groomed and manipulated and nobody protected you.

You say that you don't deserve the kind thoughts here; but you do! You would be kind to someone in your shoes, wouldn't you?

You have taken a brave step here and deserve every bit of support which MN can muster

MsFanackerPants · 11/11/2011 13:00

Writing on here is a really brave step, you should be very proud of yourself for being able to do it and for being such a strong person, both now and back then. None of it was your fault, you're not dirty or an attention seeker. I bet you would never say any of those things about me, but I felt exactly the same way about 18 months ago and now I can confidently say I know I am none of those thigns, and neither are you. You're wonderful.

I was also abused as a child, and only started the counselling process this year, 25 years after it happened. I got support through my local Rape Crisis centre who were really excellent. I didn't need a GP referral, I contacted them directly and it was free. In the end I did tell my doctor who was fantastically caring and made me feel safe.

I wasn't sure what to say about it either because I was confused, couldn't remember things clearly and was really frightened of not being believed. These are very common feelings for survivors of abuse. I worked through bits of the linked book with my counsellor. I found it too triggering to look at alone so needed that extra bit of support.

I don't know where you are, but I can recommend the Pankhurst Centre in Manchester for support and counselling. They might be able to put you in touch with services closer to you if you're not in this area.

Look after yourself today, be kind to yourself, starting to talk about it can be tiring.

AshamedAndAngry · 11/11/2011 13:16

Mrsfanacker, I don't feel brave, I feel a bit self indulgent.

Thanks for the link thingumy, I'll look at the book. I do sort of feel lime two people. I think I am able to pop it into separate boxes, a lot of the time I really don't think of it but then something triggers it and I picture things over and over and feel angry and repulsed

OP posts:
villagegossip · 11/11/2011 13:22

I also wanted to let you know that I hadn't lost interest in this OP. So much of what you and others have shared on here has really hit home and brought a lot of old feelings back to me last night.

It does feel good to write (a little) about it though and hope some of you feel the same. Smile

AshamedAndAngry · 11/11/2011 13:47

Thank you village, I'm glad that this has helped a little yet so sad too, I truly cannot believe how many people have suffered Sad

OP posts:
AshamedAndAngry · 11/11/2011 17:35

Tonight the children are being awful and I'm very shouty and irate.

I want to go to bed and cry. I dent know talking about it would make me feel like this

OP posts:
AvonCallingBarksdale · 11/11/2011 18:09

OP, you have nothing to feel bad for - I cannot use your user name Sad I'd really advise you to get a GP referral for counselling. If you want to know about different types of counselling adn what course it would take, you can PM me. Take care.

CailinDana · 11/11/2011 18:53

Sorry you're feeling so bad :( It's all part of the healing process unfortunately. I felt horrendous when I was dealing with it all and I wanted to just stop and put it back in its box but thankfully DH helped me to keep going. I still have the "split person" you mentioned earlier to a certain extent - sometimes if I talk about the abuse I go a bit funny like it's someone else talking about it and that can be scary but I can deal with that now and it doesn't happen so much any more. It's a defence mechanism I think.

Try to get to the GP as soon as possible. Try not to worry too much about being shouty with the kids, everyone has bad days and it won't do them any harm to see that you're not perfect all the time.

Keep talking here if you feel up to it.

AshamedAndAngry · 11/11/2011 20:33

I feel a bit calmer now. I'm still not sure I can face asking the gp for an appointment, yet, I don't want you all to think I'm disregarding that advice, truly I'm not but right now, physically I just can't do it.

I can't at the moment see how speaking (verbally) about it will help when I feel this way just having written it.

That said I have many feelings swirling around. I still don't know why i cried, sobbed actually at his funeral. I was 16 at the time.

Once he was in our house and I was in bed he came to say goodnight, I was probably 11, I screamed at him to get out of my room. My parents thought I was being a stroppy pre teen, I wonder why they didn't think something was amiss. Don't get me wrong I know that they don't have an inkling and i guess it's the last thing you would expect. He was a trusted person

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 11/11/2011 20:48

I didn't suffer it, just to be clear. In fact my parents were very alert to the possibility of child abuse. There was an old friend of my grandmother's who used to encourage me to sit on his lap and my parents suspected it was a bit creepy and wouldn't let me. I was quite young, probably about five or six I think, so they didn't want to say exactly why, but they made it clear that it was Not Appropriate.

playdead · 11/11/2011 21:16

OP you're not making a fuss and even if you were it's certainly not over nothing.

You've suppressed it for so long that you've begun to feel like it was nothing yet if it happened to a child you knew you would feel differently. Give yourself the consideration you would, no doubt, give someone else in the same situation.

As said already be kind to yourself. And be patient with yourself. I've been really shouty this evening to DD's because I'm exhausted after only getting about 2 hours sleep last night. I have no reason to be stressed or upset like you.

Hope you sleep well tonight x.