H lied, it's over, but the DCs questions are killing me - do I tell them?

[compactandbijou]

Namechanging lurker/occasional poster.

I found out about 'D'H having had sex with two co-workers (one 2 years ago, one a year ago and the one I found out about). Horrendous. Still feel like there's a black hole inside me. Anyway, he prostrated himself.

My conditions for not ending it right then and there were total transparency, disclosure of everything he'd done including the things I didn't know about (he told me about the other co-worker), counselling, he went part-time so I could retrain, going NC with various people who knew and didn't tell me, him telling his family what he'd done and him telling our DCs (13 and 15), that he'd lied about something important and we were trying to fix things. The older one knows he had an affair. Oh and STD tests, I had all the passwords to everything, he accounted for his time out of the home.

I think that's everything but I made a LOT of demands and he aquiesced to them all.

Anyway. I discovered ten days ago that he also had sex with a woman we know who I considered a friend. This was 2 years ago (that they had sex).

As far as I'm concerned it's over, a condition of staying together was that he disclose and he didn't. I have asked him to leave and he is staying with his parents for now.

However the DCs are really pushing for what has happened. So far as they can see, H and I have spent a year working on things and the situation has improved. Which was true until now. They can see that he hasn't had another affair or done something bad recently because he's been around all the time! I tried saying "Dad promised me he'd never lie again, and he did lie". The younger DC said "but you forgave him last time, why not now?"

• I nearly burst into tears!

Problem is, they go to the same school as OW's DC.

The older DC has made it clear that in their opinion I am being unfair as H has complied (so far as they know), with the terms of trying again.

H is of the same opinion, as are most people we know! Apparently since he hasn't done anything 'new' it doesn't count, especially as he claims he was trying to protect the OW by not disclosing.

WWYD? I am at a total loss with what to say to the DCs and they are hounding me about it

At 13 and 15 I would think they are old enough to know the truth, I think.

Poor you. What a shit.

He should have come clean back then. Why did he hold her back in particular? Why did he feel the need to protect this OW and not be honest with you, his wife?

You're a stronger woman then me, I wouldn't have given him another year of my life.

I'd perhaps tell them that one of the most important conditions of you trying again was that he told you everyone everything he had done wrong before you tried again. But he didn't. And he kept it from you all this time, and now it has come to light and he has broken your trust all over again.

As for him saying it isn't new - what an arse, it bloody is, to you! It must be like finding out about the first 2 women all over again, and if he can't understand that then he is a double arse.

I can just about cope with telling them but the problem is with identifying. If they were to find out that the OW is the mum of their classmates I can imagine it being really hard for all concerned, and I think they might find out if I am explicit or they push H on why he didn't tell me.

I feel like a total mug for the past year but I felt the kids deserved it. Turns out I just put myself through all that suffering to give them another year with a shithead for a father.

I'm with the others here. You really must tell them the truth. In my experience its these kinds of lies which come back out of the woodwork in years to come. They might not like you now, but they will respect your honesty as they get older.

Your comment H is of the same opinion, as are most people we know makes me wonder who is discussing your private life and why? This is between you and your DH and your DCs. Its none of anyone else's business what you decide, or what the details of the lies are.

Is there a reason why your DCs would have to be told the name of this 'forgotten' OW?

Its not about what they think and whatever anyone things they will do when they are in a position like this, it will never be the same as being in that position yourself.

The only opinion which matters is yours. Please don't listen to what other people think you ought to be doing. Its not their life.

I am worried that H will tell them that the OW was someone I/they know, to shore up his "I am noble" stuff. He says he was trying not to destroy two families, put me through having to see her around the school/town etc.

I insisted he told our families and close friends what he'd done as a condition of working on things, as I didn't want to keep it a secret like I was ashamed and I wanted support. So those people I have told about this new discovery, to explain why he is out on his ear. They almost all agree with H.

If they push your DH on why he didn't tell you, thats up to him to deal with. There really isn't any reason to give a name or give detail. I think you should save your children the tawdry nature of the complication.

Its the lie which was wrong, the person involved is irrelevant if the DCs don't know who it is. Can you trust him to keep that to himself? Or are you afraid that he will use it as a weapon? He will only hurt his DCs more if he uses it against you.

Sadly he destroyed two families the moment he chose the adultery route. Trying to make any aspect of that noble is shabby. But its very hard for you as you have tried so hard to let him back into your life, only to find that he was still holding things back. It will be making you wonder what else will crawl out of the woodwork.

I suggest that you are careful about who you share your feelings with. Other people can get caught up in the drama of other people's woes and they would say things that they would never do themselves because they have never been in that situation. Just tell them that have no more to add to what you have already told them.

Actually, I think you have been unecessarily vindinctive and seem to want your H to be a public pariah for the rest of his life. If a partner has an affair, there comes a point where you either forgive him/her or you put an end to the relationship, you don';t hang on to much moral high ground by expecting the adulterous partner to hang around being punished and humiliated indefinitely.

Hmm difficult one.

Does this OW have a partner and how might the OP's DC's hear about it from the OW's child ? There are times when total transparency is the only way forward and l wonder what the chances are of your DC's hearing from a friend or family member accidentally. At 15 and 13 l think honesty is the best policy but only if they ask details.

I am not in anyway supporting your DH in this OP but perhaps he didn't tell you as it was too close to home. Living nearby, kids in same school etc. You could just imagine the conversations at school if it was out in the open.

However l really admire you for giving you H a further year to get things back on track. I really don't think l could have done that. To have sex as a "one off" is one thing but he committed serial cheating.

Ignore what family and friends are telling you when they see you H's point of view when not revealing details of OW, They do not have to live with him and your trust in him has been shattered again.

SolidGold, I think you're missing the point - her H did not come clean about everything and the OP is quite right to be livid. I mean, what are the chances there might be more he hasn't told her?

OP, out of interest, how did you find out that he'd slept with this OW?

So, you have been airing your dirty laundry in public to "keep the moral highground", but kept the truth from your kids? This is seriously screwed up.

I agree with SGB, actually.

SGB - it's not the one affair, though, is it? And she did forgive him subject to complete disclosure which he then fucked up in a bid to protect someone else.

I think tell the kids that Dad had an affair with someone else 2 years ago and didn't tell you the truth about it. That's why he's out. And tell them you can't say who the woman is and you're not going to tell them, and that's that. They don't need to know names, but they do need some facts.

I would be livid that he's using 'protecting the OW' as an excuse for not telling you.
How did you find out anyway- did he volunteer the information because he had to?

He lied and cheated on you repeatedly with 3 different people. His priority should be protecting you not his bit on the side.

I am baffled as to why 'everyone' seems to think you're unreasonable. I would tell your DCs to talk to their father- he hasn't complied with your terms at all, he's hidden one of his affairs to make his life easier. His co-workers you wouldn't have to come into contact with so he could 'afford' to tell you, but one of your friends????? That is so low. And to then be told he was trying to protect her rather than you. Not only is it disingenuous (he was covering his own arse) but it's so hurtful.

everyone who knows, I said. That's 8 people. My parents, H's parents, my three best friends and H's best friend. Hardly 'in public' but okay.

he agreed to the terms, I stuck to the bargain (we live together, I try to work on the relationship along with him), he didn't. He could've said no and fucked off a year ago.

You don't need to tell them who, niether does your ex, you just need to tell them the full story. You forgave him and you were trying again, you found out that he also had an affair with one of your friends, no names needed and I'm sure they will understand alot more once they know the whole truth.

When kids get to a certain age, protecting them from certain things can cause more harm than good. They are old enough to hear the truth and will need some time to process it so you should tell them before they get the situation wrong in thier own minds and think you are even more unfair.

Explaining to them will also help them understand and learn that relationships need trust to survive, you can forgive someone once but if they need a second chance then all likelyhood is that it's over. Your husband had the chance to come clean a year ago, instead he put protecting the OW's identity over his marriage and family, thats the cut and dry of it.

I don't understand why people think you unreasonable, tbh if it were me in your situation I wouldn't have forgiven a year ago, your husband had a golden opportunity and he blew it, you have been more than reasonable.

I'd be really upset too at the 'protecting the other woman' grrrrrr its not a good thing to say is it.
As for the other, be totally upfront with the DC but no they don't need to know the name just that there was yet another someone else.

You'll be teaching them that the way to a happy relationship isn't to be lied to, cheated on and then lied to again when another chance is given.

He was trying to protect the OW?! Bloody hell.

This is your marriage, no one elses and yo do not have to justify your decision to anyone - who are these people who think they have the right to get involved in your marriage?

Personally, I would tell them the straight out truth. My parents split when I was a teenager and I just wanted answers.

Put it really simply and logically:

-I agreed to forgive dad on the condition that he told me everything regarding past affairs
-The purpose of him telling me everything was so that I could start to forgive him and recover from his betrayal and affairs
-He said he'd told me everything and I began the difficult process of trying to forgive him
-Then I found out that he hadn't told me everything, he had omitted the fact that he had sex with a friend of mine
-This is essentially a new betrayal because we wiped the slate clean. He even lied during this process so that marriage is now over, as warned and promised.

Tell his family. When my H cheated on me, my MIL was utterly disgusted with him and said that if he caused any problems with her seeing her grandchildren that she would cut him out of her life! Don't protect him from his family, he is a liar.

Regarding the identity of the OW, I would have wanted to know that also as a teenager. I see that in your position, telling them might not be the best thing to do. You know them, you know how much they see of the OW's children and whether then can handle it. Knowing the identity of the OW might actually bring home to them what H has done and why you have to split up. A couple of "faceless" work colleagues is pretty abstract.

The last thing is that of course you should (and are) putting the relationship between you and your children first - do not lie to them to cover up your H's bad behaviour.

He decided to protect the OW by lying to you when you had made it clear that anything less than total transparency and it would be over.

He made that decision.

He decided protecting the OW was more important that you, your marriage and by connection also your children.

It does not matter what anyone else thinks. He knew what you needed in order to prove you could start rebuilding your trust in him, he decided to lie when you asked him if there was more.

Don't get into conversations with anyone. Simply tell your DC, your friends and family and your H that you have made your decision based on his actions now.

Oh, and another point for your children to understand is that the more affairs a man has, the less likely it is for him to stop. One affair that was a stupid idiotic mistake might be forgiveable - but he's done it over and over and clearly has not a shred of respect for the marriage - it's him who caused it to end, not you.

See I think this bit is key =
"The younger DC said "but you forgave him last time, why not now?""

You forgave him based on certain conditions, which he promised to follow as proof that he was serious about wanting to save the relationship. He said he had done this - now you have found out that was not true, he did not meet the conditions you set and he lied about it. Also relevant that this lie was at the time the condition was set - it wasn't a slip-up later on, he just didn't ever do what he'd promised in the first place. So firstly he has not given you the proof he promised that he was serious about continuing; and secondly, he has broken the trust you were giving him a chance to win back.

I think the DCs should be able to understand that as an explanation - and if the older one already knows about the other affairs, if necessary I don't see why you can't mention that this was relating to another affair without mentioning any names.

As for everyone agreeing with your H, maybe you need some new friends...

SGB I don't see where you got the bit about wanting H to be a pariah "for the rest of his life" or being "humiliated and punished indefinitely". OP had forgiven him, and only insisted he told close friends and family when this first came out - which I can understand; why should she have to protect his dirty secret, at her own expense, in terms of getting no support from them and maybe even having people pointing the finger at her wondering why she was being "off" with him for no obvious reason? I don't see any indication that she was continuing to punish him, until this latest disclosure. But obviously if she is now kicking him out as a result of this, they will want to know why (and she will again be needing their support).

Truth best, the DC are teens.

Sorry, dinner/etc you know how it is.

There is no way the DCs won't get either very paranoid and upset or very angry and questioning if I let them know one of the women is known to them. The older one in particular.

Younger DC doesn't 'get' it at all. I have said Dad promised no more lies and said he'd told me everything but then I discovered he'd not done that, but DC2 truly doesn't understand. H won't help by being a martyr.