H lied, it's over, but the DCs questions are killing me - do I tell them?

[compactandbijou]

Namechanging lurker/occasional poster.

I found out about 'D'H having had sex with two co-workers (one 2 years ago, one a year ago and the one I found out about). Horrendous. Still feel like there's a black hole inside me. Anyway, he prostrated himself.

My conditions for not ending it right then and there were total transparency, disclosure of everything he'd done including the things I didn't know about (he told me about the other co-worker), counselling, he went part-time so I could retrain, going NC with various people who knew and didn't tell me, him telling his family what he'd done and him telling our DCs (13 and 15), that he'd lied about something important and we were trying to fix things. The older one knows he had an affair. Oh and STD tests, I had all the passwords to everything, he accounted for his time out of the home.

I think that's everything but I made a LOT of demands and he aquiesced to them all.

Anyway. I discovered ten days ago that he also had sex with a woman we know who I considered a friend. This was 2 years ago (that they had sex).

As far as I'm concerned it's over, a condition of staying together was that he disclose and he didn't. I have asked him to leave and he is staying with his parents for now.

However the DCs are really pushing for what has happened. So far as they can see, H and I have spent a year working on things and the situation has improved. Which was true until now. They can see that he hasn't had another affair or done something bad recently because he's been around all the time! I tried saying "Dad promised me he'd never lie again, and he did lie". The younger DC said "but you forgave him last time, why not now?"

• I nearly burst into tears!

Problem is, they go to the same school as OW's DC.

The older DC has made it clear that in their opinion I am being unfair as H has complied (so far as they know), with the terms of trying again.

H is of the same opinion, as are most people we know! Apparently since he hasn't done anything 'new' it doesn't count, especially as he claims he was trying to protect the OW by not disclosing.

WWYD? I am at a total loss with what to say to the DCs and they are hounding me about it

pft.

'he's done enough' ...

He lied to you when he was clearly told it's total transparency or it's over... you could never trust him again. Never.

OK - so what's the very worst that would happen if they knew it was with xfriend? What would they do? What would happen at school?

I think that your relationship with them is more important that any fallout, I think you need to be honest with them. Don't say who it is unless they ask. If they ask tell them that you would rather not tell them, but will if they feel it's important, but that it could be quite hard for them once they know. It is crap, but it would be worse if you refused to tell them or lied to them. You are their Mum for life, they should be able to trust you - this other woman, her kids, school - that's all temporary.

'Unfair and ball-breaking'? So he's the victim and you're the bitch? Lovely...

Logically, I can see where SGB - and your friends - are coming from. DS2 has a point that you forgave before. One could even make a case for the cover-up, on the grounds that DH knew just how shameful betraying you with your friend was and it was too massive for him to dare to admit it.

Only... you're the one who has to live with the man as your lover, housemate and confidante for the rest of your life, and you need to want to do that for it to work. How many of us genuinely advocate staying with someone you no longer love or trust? What you feel about what he did is at least as important as what he did - actually more so, because infidelity doesn't matter all that much to some people (not to your H and at least 3 women, for a start!). Others would have thrown him out at the first whiff of unauthorised petticoat. Everyone draws the line in a slightly different place. Your personal line has been stomped over multiple times and I don't see how anyone could seriously blame you if you've come to the end of your tether.

Do, as someone said upthread, give yourself a chance to calm down a bit after the shock of discovery. (Horrible woman, what was she trying to achieve anyway? Hoping you'd chuck out H in her direction?) When you have, though, I wouldn't say look at things logically. I'd say look at them emotionally. Look deep into your own heart and consider whether you can stand to live with this man ever again or whether he really has trampled every last vestige of feeling into the ground. 'Cos you know what: even if he had done everything you'd asked honestly and fairly, if after a year it wasn't working for you you'd still have a right to separate. No-one should have to live in a relationship they're not happy in.

Oh, as for telling the DCs (which was, after all, the point of your OP) - I think you have to, really. Make sure they realise that the OW's DCs are as much victims of this as they are. They wouldn't want to lose a friend over their father's actions, over which they had no influence; well the OW's offspring can't fairly be held responsible for their mother's actions either, can they?

I'm so sorry :( this would be a deal breaker for me too.

Tell the DCs - some have made some great suggestions here and I think its important to be honest though it may be difficult for them in the long term.

I'm sorry to say it but there may be more that he's not telling you about - you gave him a chance to disclose all and he didn't.

Good luck x

Why is the onus on the OP to explain everything? It should b H how should explain why they are separating although it is ublikely he would tell the truth as to exactly why.
"I am a weak person who cannot resist putting my cock into others peoples cunts, get forgiven, lie about it, ignore the best interests of my family and wonder why I get kicked out."

The onus is on the OP because she cares about her DCs' feelings more than her personal gratification, of course. Or to put it another way, because she can't trust the bugger.

... tp do the job properly, I meant to say.

to ... d'oh

I'm really shocked that all these other people you've told agree with your H. It's almost as though, well there were so many other women he shagged, what difference does one more make?

So shocking that they all condone this. Imo, you've done the right thing.

I think I would perhaps tell your children that there was one other woman that he kept quiet about, without naming names. It's totally unfair that you should be seen as the bad guy here.

And one more thing (am cross on your behalf) - do these 'friends' really think he'll be able to keep it in his pants in the future?

Chances of that = big fat zero.

It's 8 people who know - the 4 friends are the ones who have hurt my feelings though, especially as my three best friends were very much 'leave the bastard' when I first found out.

I don't want to make school difficult for the DCs or for the OW's DCs. DC1 is struggling as it is, don't want to add this into the mix. Doing GCSEs too, or I'd look at moving schools.

Though I wonder if the OW I know has told her friends - I guess she probably has. Oh bloody hell.

Have you spoken to the school? I would to just let them know about the extra emotional distress. They should be quite used to dealing with it, and helping students cope through these kinds of situations.

the school have been great with the DCs. This past year has been hell for them - not a great atmosphere at home, they were angry with H but equally didn't really understand why things didn't get 'back to normal' immediately when we stayed together. Another reason I am so furious at this situation - a cleaner break a year ago would've been easier for everyone. Or we could've moved schools and got the DCs away from the OW's DCs.

I will talk to the school about this situation though, in case it comes out amongst the DCs. I want to know right away if it's being used against my DCs.

Yes, but I doubt she's told her kids though and I feel as sorry for them as I do for you and your DCs. Just tread that line between not revealing her identity and not lying to your DCs. Just tell them it doesn't matter who she is because it's not the point. If any of them find out at a later stage, you will have the moral high ground of having noble child-centred intentions behind your refusal to unmask the OW, while never having told an outright lie to your children. There is of course the option of speaking to someone at the school they all attend, either for the purposes of asking their advice or to give them a heads-up if this is ever unveiled with nasty consequences, at school.

Remember too that you can always tell them her identity later, when they've all left school and aren't in daily contact with eachother. At the moment, I think if your DCs know who it is, they will understandably put all the blame on to her and possibly even her children, rather than the person who betrayed them most. I think you are seeing that a bit with their reaction to you. Kids can't be expected to understand adult betrayal and tend to think anything in life can be forgiven if you say sorry often enough. So they are probably irrationally angry with you too and can't understand why you can't forgive and forget.

The adults in your life just don't have that excuse and I'm really sorry they aren't being more supportive.

I doubt you will be able to stop DCs finding out TBH (esp if her friends know) so you may as well explain everything to them as they will want to be shown enough respect to be told the truth. It will be much harder for them to deal with if they find out from someone else. I wouldn't trust hubbie to do it either as I can only imagine the self pitying slant that will be put on it.

Please don't feel bad about being honest with them. You having to tell them is a direct result of the actions of your husband and your so called friend who clearly didn't give a rats arse about any fallout for the DC's involved when they were at it OR when she decided to tell you OR when he decided he didn't disclose as he was protecting OW...

I'm so sorry you aren't getting more support - hopefully we can help a bit though I don't have much more helful advice to add I'm afraid.

I agree that you should be honest with your DC but that you don't need to tell them the OW identity. Other people will probably know as she would've told her 'friends'.

I can't get past the fact that he slept with 4 OW in the past 2 years and people seem to think you should be ok with that!

I think you should concentrate on you and your DC for now.

Compact, looking at this thread again has made me think that it would be a good idea to least warn your DC that the OW's children attend the same school as them, even if they don't want to know her identity. It's going to be a hell of a lot harder for them to process this information when someone announces at school that their dad shagged X's mum than it would be for them to deal with at home.

I agree that it doesn't need to be you doing the explaining, it should be your DH- but I'd say you all need to be there at the same time, so that you know exactly what's been said. Personally I'd be setting the agenda that you are trying to look forward at how to make things more manageable for everyone, especially the DC, and they need to be warned about the information that's likely to come out so that it doesn't cause problems for them at school (and I hope your H has the decency to squirm at the consequences of his actions here). He can answer their questions about his actions and about the OW.

If this gets turned on to you justifying your decision to split, you need to reinforce the point that you haven't changed your mind, their dad did. You both agreed on full transparency; he was the one that went back on the agreement when he lied to you for an entire year. After this, he might very well be lying to you now- you have no way of trusting him.

I think you need to tell them the truth, that you and their father were trying to work things out as long as he had been completely honest however you have just found out that he has been lying still. I'd be very surprised if there wasn't more stuff to come out of the woodwork, btw. It sounds like he is only ever telling you just enough to stop things getting to the end point.
Don't let your H tell the children, he'll come up with some mangled version of the truth that portrays himself as the sad victim and you as an unreasonable bitch.

I couldn't tell them the OW's kids are in their school, I just couldn't, DC1 would be so paranoid and upset.

I wish I could take them out of school but it would be irresponsible during DC1's GCSEs I think. I am going to see about moving DC2 though.

This will sound harsh, but you do realise that the DC still run the risk of sharing a school with children of one of your husband's OW wherever they go ? There might yet be more OW waiting to come out of the woodwork.

If they are otherwise happy at school you might want to consider whether the upheaval of school and family life at the same time might be too much ?

I hope your husband realises what he's putting his children through.

Agree with everything inertia said. Having them change schools on top of everything else whilst not really knowing why would be pretty awful I would have thought.

I still think you should just be upfront with them and make sure they know that OW's DCs are in a similar boat to them like Annie said. If you don't tell them now it will just be harder when it does come out (which it will eventually) and they will wish they'd just been told at the time which is what you wish had happened to you 1 year ago.

I wonder if some of the friends who are currently taking your H's side might change if you actually go ahead and leave him. If they think that you're almost certain to forgive him and stay together then they are almost bound to advise you to do that. It's just what people do really cos they don't want to upset the relationship and get pushed out when you're back together. I have a feeling that if you left some of the friends might say "I always thought you should leave that b - about time too" and you'd have more support than you expect (possibly excluding H's family and best friend who are almost always going to be sympathetic to him).

I think you need to tell them that trust is the bedrock of a marriage and he broke your trust because he lied and you can never be sure he isn't still lying.

I think you gave him a fair chance but he didn't tell you everything. you don't know what else he has done and not told you/ You may never find out or it may be a drip drip over the years.

You seem very strong and you should capitalise on that now. Your kids need to understand that your relationship is not healthy.

If they probe as to who OW was just say it is irrelevant as it is not the affair that was the problem but the fact he didn't tell you about it when you asked for complete honesty.