H lied, it's over, but the DCs questions are killing me - do I tell them?

[compactandbijou]

Namechanging lurker/occasional poster.

I found out about 'D'H having had sex with two co-workers (one 2 years ago, one a year ago and the one I found out about). Horrendous. Still feel like there's a black hole inside me. Anyway, he prostrated himself.

My conditions for not ending it right then and there were total transparency, disclosure of everything he'd done including the things I didn't know about (he told me about the other co-worker), counselling, he went part-time so I could retrain, going NC with various people who knew and didn't tell me, him telling his family what he'd done and him telling our DCs (13 and 15), that he'd lied about something important and we were trying to fix things. The older one knows he had an affair. Oh and STD tests, I had all the passwords to everything, he accounted for his time out of the home.

I think that's everything but I made a LOT of demands and he aquiesced to them all.

Anyway. I discovered ten days ago that he also had sex with a woman we know who I considered a friend. This was 2 years ago (that they had sex).

As far as I'm concerned it's over, a condition of staying together was that he disclose and he didn't. I have asked him to leave and he is staying with his parents for now.

However the DCs are really pushing for what has happened. So far as they can see, H and I have spent a year working on things and the situation has improved. Which was true until now. They can see that he hasn't had another affair or done something bad recently because he's been around all the time! I tried saying "Dad promised me he'd never lie again, and he did lie". The younger DC said "but you forgave him last time, why not now?"

• I nearly burst into tears!

Problem is, they go to the same school as OW's DC.

The older DC has made it clear that in their opinion I am being unfair as H has complied (so far as they know), with the terms of trying again.

H is of the same opinion, as are most people we know! Apparently since he hasn't done anything 'new' it doesn't count, especially as he claims he was trying to protect the OW by not disclosing.

WWYD? I am at a total loss with what to say to the DCs and they are hounding me about it

x-posted with a lot of what whoopee said!

But I agree with Xales too that protecting OW just makes it worse.

Just on the subject of whether or not to tell the children. I would recommend that you answer any questions really honestly, whilst warning them that it is likely to upset them.

I tried to protect my children (and their relationship with their Dad) by not giving them the whole picture about my ex's affairs. My dd was really angry with me about not telling her the truth when her father told her about it all in later years. I did it with the best of intentions, but she was absolutely right: I should have answered her questions truthfully and fully because she had asked me for the truth (and not just the bits I thought she should hear).

OP how did you find out about the affair with your friend- what made him tell you a year later?

I am so sad for you that your parents and your best friends think you're being unreasonable. He slept with your friend and didn't tell you to protect her/cover his back!

He didn't tell me, she did. Her relationship has ended and she "felt she had to come clean". Yeah right.

So if she hadn't decided to come clean he would never had told you.
He was covering his arse.

Tell everyone how open and honest he was with you sleeping with your so-called friend and hiding it to 'protect her'.

That's 3 affairs now. For all you know there are others that you'll never know about.

Don't tell your teenage dc the details. Adult, sexual stuff between their parents is none if their concern and it can be very damaging to involve them.

I cant answer this at all.

I think (not certain) I know what I would do, but maybe not.

I think I would not have put so many conditions. Its something about power, but I cant explain it atm.

It would depend on how the relationship had changed since, too, in all sorts of profound ways, for both of us.

Not very helpful, I know.

I do see what SGVB means, though.

I think that I would tell the DCs the truth to a point. I would explain that he had cheated with another woman but, in the circumstances, not who that woman is/was (I'd say I didn't know her). Not to protect her or your H but to protect all of the DCs involved whilst they are still at school together.

As teenagers though you almost have to tell them the truth. I doubt they will accept anything less.

I told him what I needed to even look him in the face let alone keep being married and plan a future together. He did it. It's not like he went on to have another affair as a way of kicking against my dictatorship (though who knows). He gave up a lot, told his parents what had happened, told MY parents, went p/t at work...

he did a lot, and for nothing, because he didn't tell the truth. It's just such a waste of a year. I would've prefered him to just fuck off, honestly. Now there's a year of talking things through and agony and sleepless nights and for nothing.

His righteous indignation that I am "throwing away" all his sacrfices because he was "trying to make things better for you" makes me want to kill him.

He wasn't trying to make things better for you. He was trying to make things better for himself.

He knew that cheating on you was bad enough but cheating on you with your friend was unforgivable. That's why he wasn't going to tell you and now that he's busted he's giving you the predictable emotional blackmail to turn the whole thing back on you.

Bastard.

As for throwing away 'his sacrifices' how fucking dare he?????? I am so angry for you!

Yes if I'd known at the time I would have ended things immediately. I've seen her several times a week at school for this whole time. H has chatted to her at school events, all normal. So it's not just what they did then, it's what they continued to do for years after.

If it weren't for the fact that there were three other women, I'd advise you to wait a while before coming to any firm decisions. 10 days is not long when you are in shock after the latest disclosure.

But maybe for you, it gave you a clarity and certainty that you haven't had before and because this latest OW wasn't someone faceless, it's finally brought home to you how little respect he had for you.

If you think you're still in shock and might change your mind again, I'd hold off from telling the kids anything other than you'd found out some fresh lies and they've made you very angry.

If on the other hand you are resolute about divorce, then you really don't have to tell the kids who it is, just that you've found out about another affair. Don't lie to them and say 'no-one you know'. If they ask who it is, just say that they don't need to know, as it doesn't matter. The OW's kids don't deserve any animosity from yours at school and your own kids don't need that sort of complication in their lives, at a time when their father has shattered their world yet again.

Your friends and family have no idea of what you've been through and should be supporting you with any decisions you make, not piling on the pressure to stay or go.

Just a thought...

he acquiesced to all your 'demands'.

Did he do this because he UNDERSTOOD that these things were necessary to rebuild trust, or because he saw them as hoops he had to jump through to keep his family?

have you really moved any way at all towards forgiveness, or has this just been an exercise in proving how saintly you are in 'forgiving' him- whilst gripping his balls in a vice...?

This post will make you, and a lot of others angry - I do not mean to deny how badly he has behaved... tbh I know I could not have lived with such deception and I admire you for trying.. but you OP does not come across with any pain/love just anger and I wonder if - upon (probably very distant ) reflection you have just been waiting for him to trip up? 2 women or 4 what does it matter.. if you want to rebuild then you do - if you cant forgive ( and I couldn't) then its over...

Of course it matters if he promised he'd told me everything and he hadn't. If it was 3 women not two, who knows. Then. But the last year of pain and effort was a lie. He put me through a lot - justifying myself to counsellors, trying to 'rebuild our physical relationship', lying to people we know, seeing the pity in the eyes of people who knew.

I think my posts make it pretty clear I don't see myself as a saint. I've been horrible. And I could almost understand it MORE if he 'kicked out' by shagging another vulnerable woman to prove I don't have his cock in a jar on my desk.

But I gave him the chance, and he lied, and he made a year of my life a lie.

If he was truly sorry about lying and the other 2 affairs he would have told the truth and not lied more...
He's just interested in covering his own back... as for protecting OW ...my arse... he was just looking after No.1

And the matyring himself bit... I can imagine how annoying that is!

I wish I hadn't bothered. The DCs could understand "dad did this and we've seperated". They are struggling with "dad this this and it's a year later and now we've seperated".

Cock.

Do you really want to separate though?

Ok, he didnt tell you at the time he had the chance to come clean. Probably because he thought you would throw him out then. Would you have?

If yes, then fair enough, but if not, then would you not want to work around this, presuming he has been 100% faithfull over the last year.

He has behaved very badly, but anyone in a corner like that will lie if they think the truth will never come out.

Of course I want to seperate. The cheating wasn't the main problem. The physical act of putting his cock in someone else I could come to terms with.

The lies and the lies and the lies are the problem. He gave her this power over me, to come into my home and blow up my world. He let me speak to her every week for two years. He had the chance to come clean and he didn't take it. My side of the bargain was that I'd try, in return for full disclosure.

He has no way of knowing what I'd do. We could've moved, we talked about that (for schools not for any other reason). We could've dealt with it. But he's played the martyr and he's lied. That's it. I said it would be the end if I found out he'd hidden something or lied and he has and it is. I am totally at peace with that.

Are you serious? The OP agreed to try to get past his multiple infidelities provided he was completely honest and told her everything.
A year on she finds out that there was another affair this time with one of her friends.
Now her confused children are paying the price and she has to pick up the pieces. But it's not his fault because he was backed into a corner????

No-one has to lie and fortunately it's not the case that 'anyone will lie if they think the truth will never come out'. People who put their own needs above anyone else's will lie, though. Your husband has learnt a very painful lesson about these kinds of secrets; someone else always knows. The secret is only as good as the other person's ability to keep her mouth shut. How convenient though that she waited for her own relationship to end before cleansing her soul......I'm hoping you've seen right through that charade as much as you've got clarity on your husband's motives for lying, OP.

I'm surprised at the number of posts justifying your husband's behaviour.

As you say, it's more than the affairs, it's the fact that he lied at the time and he continued to lie even after you'd agreed upon full disclosure. Nobody can build a secure marriage with this amount of betrayal as the foundation- knowing that it was the last chance for your marriage, he lied over and over again.

How he has the nerve to direct any indignation at you for throwing anything away is beyond me.He shagged 3 different women, lied throughout the reconciliation process, and somehow it's your fault?

TBH, I think if I were in your position I'd tell DC that you are angry at DH because he had a relationship with another woman and lied to you about it, alongside other relationships with other women that you did know about, and that you cannot trust him. If they ask, I would tell them who the woman was- simply because it sounds like a situation where word is already out, and it will hurt Dc more to hear from somebody else.

If DH and OW didn't want the whole town to know , they shouldn't have shagged in the first place.

Poor you, I think you're being amazingly strong. Tell your DC's (and your so-called friends) that you can't risk any more OW crawling out of the woodwork.

Then get some more supportive friends.

What a complete wanker.

You are doing the right thing - but you know that :)

As for the boys, you need to tell them the truth. This post is well worth reposting...

whoopeecushionThu 10-Nov-11 18:58:27

Personally, I would tell them the straight out truth. My parents split when I was a teenager and I just wanted answers.

Put it really simply and logically:

-I agreed to forgive dad on the condition that he told me everything regarding past affairs
-The purpose of him telling me everything was so that I could start to forgive him and recover from his betrayal and affairs
-He said he'd told me everything and I began the difficult process of trying to forgive him
-Then I found out that he hadn't told me everything, he had omitted the fact that he had sex with a friend of mine
-This is essentially a new betrayal because we wiped the slate clean. He even lied during this process so that marriage is now over, as warned and promised.

Tell his family. When my H cheated on me, my MIL was utterly disgusted with him and said that if he caused any problems with her seeing her grandchildren that she would cut him out of her life! Don't protect him from his family, he is a liar.

Regarding the identity of the OW, I would have wanted to know that also as a teenager. I see that in your position, telling them might not be the best thing to do. You know them, you know how much they see of the OW's children and whether then can handle it. Knowing the identity of the OW might actually bring home to them what H has done and why you have to split up. A couple of "faceless" work colleagues is pretty abstract.

The last thing is that of course you should (and are) putting the relationship between you and your children first - do not lie to them to cover up your H's bad behaviour

No need to rehash something so well written already!!

As for 'the others' - fuck only knows what they're thinking? I'm guessing they just want to keep your family together at all costs?!

Thankyou for highlighting that post. It is excellent. I will think about how to proceed.

I don't want the DCs going to school knowing the OW's children are there. Hugely unfair on everyone. I don't trust H not to drop enough hints they'd work out they, too, were connected to her (as well as me being).

I can only imagine that the 'others' share the sentiments of the people who've defended my H, for similar reasons and think I was being unfair or ball-breaking and he has done enough!