surrendered wife

[ilovearnold]

Has anyone read the book and adoted its philosophy........................................????

I'm a SAHM. I'm 50, have had 2 enjoyable careers over the last 30 years and am currently a full-time undergraduate, retraining for a new career. We live with my frail 83 year old mum. My 15 year old son has Asperger's. DH runs his own IT business. He's somewhere out there on the ASD spectrum too!

This "Surrendered Wife" bollocks" bears not the slighest tangential relationship to the realities of my life. Aged Mama is in the early stages of Alzheimer's . DH has a stratospheric IQ and is the only main breadwinner, but is 6 years younger than me, is pretty naive in many ways and has problems locating his own backside most mornings, so forget about the practicalities of managing a budget and running a 3 - generation complex-needs household in a crumbling old house. He is a total darling, adored by all the family, but can't drive and is severely dyslexic. Trust me on this, we've learned the hard way .

This Surrendered Wife arsewipe is so utterly intellectually lazy. It's for women who can't be bothered to take ownership would rather believe they are ENTITLED to power because they hae a penis.

It's especially for women who believe that because they are GOOD and DO AS THEY ARE TOLD, (probably by the big Daddy in the Sky) nothing BAD will ever happen to their families.

Husbands die. Sometimes they run off with other women. Sadly, some men become incapable of being good husbands and providers because of mental health or alcohol or drug problems, and the poor surrendered wives have to actually divorce them, in order to protect their childen and themselves. Elderly parents need looking after. Sometimes our children are unable to live independent lives as adults .

And these nasty books will claim that the above problems are the all fault of the women, for not obeying the rules. IF ONLY they were "better" wives, then their husbands woild "Adore" and "Worship" them forever.

Poor fecking husbands!!

Excellent post!

Sorry

"It's for women who can't be bothered to take ownership of their responsibility for their children, and for men who believe they are ENTITLED to power because they have a penis.

Thanks Bertie!

BTW - I am SO in awe of what you have managed to achieve for yourself, m'dear. Have read your posts over the last year or so, and you have come such a long way!

Good grief, I just scored 80 - the only thing I'd surrender to Mr Tiger is the right to do the washing up and hoovering.

I think a friend of mine does this - there are some v odd things about her relationship with her DH (none of my beeswax, apart from I am her friend and look out for her), frexample she gets up at silly o'clock to make his sandwiches and wave him out of the door when working shifts, presumably he is so useless he can't slap a bit of ham in between two bits of bread, poor lamb. I've never asked her about surrendered wife, but she is a bit religious (I assume it's a religious thing???). I have commented on why she does it (know her well enough to say I think she's daft, but don't really want to get into the whys and wherefores).

I came across this Surrendered Wife thing in a surfing session that began with Real Women Don't Do Housework. Anyone come across this? The idea is that you tell your husband what to do around the house, while wanking him during foreplay! He kind of doesn't notice consciously, but later he does what you told him. Ugh, manipulative sex, much?

DH had an uncle who died of Alzheimer's disease a few years ago.

But according to family legend, he ACTUALLY died of CJD. REALLY. Because he worked on a dairy farm and used to eat the cattle-cake for breakfast, when he went in early to do the milking.
Because his EVIL WITCH of a wife refused to get up and make him a proper cooked breakfast at 5.00am!! Therefore, stands to reason, dunnit? The poor man was STARVING!
Now, when I suggested to DH that PERHAPS his uncle could have made himself a bowl of cornflakes or a bit of toast, in his own kitechen, before he left home, I was greeted with total blank incomprehension.

People actually DO live like this in the 21st Century!

noseinbook!

That is seriously the most unpleasant and disturbing thing I have read on t'internet for, ooh, weeks!

Yuck. I feel SO unclean......

Thanks LapsedPacifist :) It has been a weird year, much less rocky than the previous one though. Which is nice!

noseinbook that is weird.

buy me Galaxy Counters...

Ooh bumper you've just given me a flashback to the old galaxy swirl adverts. Something about buying galaxy swirls (using hypnotic text/sounds) while only wearing a towel...

Lapsed I hope they didn't say those things to the wife!! Poor woman! (Can you imagine the AIBU thread? )

To be a bit of a Devils Advocate...

Books like this and 'The Rules' and 'Mars and Venus' etc all serve the same purpose, which is to give women permission to a) put up with crap and b) not feel bad about it.

This is a big boon to the many, many women out there (and on here) who prefer not to face the uncomfortable realities of their lives, and who fundamentally want to hear 'Stay with him. It's normal for relationships to be this way. Change yourself to adapt round his failings'.

My friends and I are all intelligent, educated types who laugh in the face of such shite. And yet... we have all been guilty at some point of kidding ourselves about our relationships.

Some clever person has latched on to this and made money from it. The books are appalling but what is more appalling (but not surprising) is that there is a market for this pish. That market may be closer to home than we care to admit.

That's very true Morris :(

V. pertinent Morris, as always.

Interesting perspective on the phenomenon. Of the books, that is.

Why are so many of our peers reading this stuff?

"we have all been guilty at some point of kidding ourselves about our relationships"

So true.

Re 'you chose him'

You see in my mind, you chose him, so lump it isn't the way it connects- more you chose to be in this relationship, you can choose to get out. It reminded me that there are no prizes for long service; IMHO opinion people don't change and that I think its better to get out rather stay and suffer.

I'm really not an apologist for the book, but the idea that micromanaging and nagging
a) doesn't work and
b) diminishes the 'nagging micromanager'

is certainly worth consideration.

I can't help thinking that "surrendered wife" should read "surrendered self respect"........

What sort of person would I be if i wanted a surrendered husband... a bit of a twat I think....
That works both ways

As for the CJD story .... yup I can believe it. I used to think that people who thought like this were just joking, you know just a bit of harmless banter.... I was extremely naive!!!! It was quite a shock to me to finally realise that this type of thinking really is everywhere :( and was alive and well in my ex too.

Ah okay. That makes sense lambet, thanks for explaining.

Totally agree that micromanaging when the person you're trying to manage is capable is counterproductive, but the book is still crap, because instead of just saying "Stop micromanaging then" it's going massively too far the other way.

Also nagging is a different issue. IMO people only "nag" when they're not being listened to. I don't necessarily think that blokes (since it's only ever wives or mothers who are described as "nagging") should drop everything and do as their wife asks as soon as she does, but if you're telling your partner that you need/want something and they aren't listening or even acknowledging that, then they are the one at fault, not you.

One or two in this thread have mentioned God but can I assure you as a Christian that this is not what my faith requires of me... This is shocking really. (I know people may want to quote at me 'Wives submit to your husbands' but people seem to forget to also quote 'husbands submit to your wives') This is scary manipulative scary scary scary behaviour...

Yes it seems positively un-Christian to me. Didn't God create all of us equal?

Both created in His image is what I read. Wouldn't say much if half of Him wasn't equal to the other half. Some Christians believe there are different roles or responsibilities in a marriage maybe, but this is just laying down to be walked over. Not even equal but different, just unequal and foolish

"The idea is that you tell your husband what to do around the house, while wanking him during foreplay".

Does it work for getting a cuppa and a bacon sarnie?

I only know one person who has choosen to live like this and she is actually extremely lazy person. I think this lifestyle attracts lazy women even if it seems to us that they do a lot. The only thing they are responsible for is cleaning the house and cooking, the one i know has a cleaner so all she has to do is cooking.
If you think about it we all do cooking or at least half of it plus working, plus commuting, plus paying bills, plus budgeting, plus researching, plus 'staying in touch wth things', researching schools and schedules and activities, deciding regarding music, languages, sports, calling repair men, comparing prices, spending ages on money sites and on mn.

Decisions are actually work, and responsibilities are not fun. I never understand why people feel sorry for these women, some of them are choosing this lifestyle because they are plain lazy.

LapsedPacifist talks sense.

The author of this book lost me at the word 'Surrendered', I'm afraid. How utterly depressing - to have 'surrendered' to your husband.

Fuck that.

I got 94 on the quiz. I lost points for sometimes feeling exhausted (who doesn't) and doing things for my husband that he can do for himself (but that's what you do for people you love, surely).

I remember reading an article about this once and the woman ended up with all the utilities cut off and no food in the house sitting in the cold with her kids before her husband got his act together to be in charge....