surrendered wife

[ilovearnold]

Has anyone read the book and adoted its philosophy........................................????

What Annie and Grimma said. To me, a shouting antagonistic household and a surrender household are two sides of the same coin: all about inability to cooperate as adults.

Dh would feel I was letting him down if I subsided into this submissive child position: he married an adult who promised to support him, not a child he would need to support. If this was the only way to save our marriage I would take that as a sign that the marriage itself was beyond redemption.

sorry missed out a bit there: "an adult who promised to support him on a mutual and a reciprocal basis"

lapsed - i have just read your fascnating article re feminisim and retro dress - this is the sort of thing i mean- i so enjoyed it - need to go back later and read again but in rush at mo.- and i was wondering about the relationship between the times of today - the retro stuff were things like burlesque which would hav ebeen unacceptable seems mainstream and if ideas like in the book are a sort of backlash reaction.I think that there seems to be a spiritual feel to the basis of the book too- again which you refer to in your post as the nice christian ladies v the tatoo wearing retro dress wearers and waht that may represent..must read more - any guidance appriciated !!

I got 90 on the quiz so don't think I have to surrender- it didn't really say though

I know some online women who claim it, I'd last approx 5 seconds if it was me.

DoesNotDo'Surrendered'WellTiggaxx

I considered namechanging,don't hold what I'm going to say against me bear with me.

I read this about 10 years ago, and while I didn't quite throw it across the room, wasn't impressed.

However, I've just done the quiz and scored very highly- ie do a lot of the surrendered wife stuff.

From what a remember of the book there was a lot of real tosh, but a basic premise of don't nag, don't micromanage and you chose him, so he can't be all bad.

Lots of couples make comments at each other's expense; which if the DH said it to the DW would really jar and I think is EA. Somehow as women we invalidate our own criticisms- don't believe that it what we say matters, whereas it must do.

I think social issues surrounding things like this are fascinating too so I don't blame you in that respect :)

But my strong feeling about this kind of movement (there are various books, websites etc) is that it displays an imbalance and a kind of skewed perception as many others have said - surely the desirable thing in a relationship is that both partners are equal and have equal say, responsibility, equally valued roles even if those roles are not the same, and genuinely like, respect and admire each other. This movement is coming from a place where, the authors and drivers literally cannot conceive of this concept. It's not even acknowledged as a solution - it's just assumed that it could not be possible that a man and a woman can live together without one of them striving or battling to be dominant. That's the thinking that I find interesting to analyse. And of course the fact that there is nothing explicitly going the other way saying "Men: be subservient to your wife, make everything perfect for her, let her make every decision, give her foot rubs on demand (etc etc)"

"you chose him, so he can't be all bad"

Well that one wants a good trampling on for a start...

I just scored 66 on that quiz, because most of us feel aspects of control, lack of control and disappointment at times, don't we?

The thing is you could get top marks in the quiz by not surrendering at all- you just have to have married someone worthy of your respect.

The surrendered wife thing seems to be a bit "Oh dear, I married a loser. Howe can I pretend he's not?"

Maybe. I scored 81 I think.

TBH if you're getting a very low score on that quiz then either you're a control freak or your husband is a twat. It's more likely to say "leave him" than "change the way you are" though.

Although some of them are just bizarre! "Do you eavesdrop on your husband's conversations to make sure everything is handled correctly?" (Who would do this??)

Where is this quiz please? Am keen for a good laugh to try it out...even if it's ony so that I can flunk it so hard that I my feel proud of myself.

On the surrendered wife website.

I read it ages ago. From what I remember the author was normally so obsessively controlling of her husband, that the only way she could have a less weird relationship was to become obsessively 'surrendered' to him. Weirdness is always comparative...

But I couldn't identify - the book just told me to stop doing things that I don't do anyway. But I think in an abusive relationship it could be positively dangerous to follow the advice in that book.

Thanks Bertie....what a crock that was! I got 80 which means "I'm quick to apologise and my husband adores me for that"

I am still laughing hysterically at GarlicBread's 'surrendered housemate' post.

I've not read the book. I just looked at the wikipedia article and am a bit confused as all the points seem to be about not trying to control your partner, rather than surrendering control of your own life to them, so I'm not sure where 'surrendering' comes in. Scrolling down, the sequel, the surrendered single looks a lot dodgier ... 'Relinquishes control of the pace of the courtship;' and 'Strives to be vulnerable;' look particularly dodgy and dangerous.

I scored 78 on the quiz but as NotTheOne says, I think that's because I've got a decent partner who's worthy of respect. I don't do much 'surrendering'!

We've done the BDSM D/s thing for the odd weekend (both ways round ) and it's been lots of fun and also quite illuminating into our everyday power relationships. As SGVB says, it's a lot safer and healthier because you negotiate boundaries and approach it as two equals, consciously playing roles.

I scored 92 .
I am not quick to apologise. He always apologises first. WTF is this woman on about?

Although I think that much of the book is stupid ("don't tell him if he's driving in the wrong direction"??), I agree with the OP that this IS a fascinating topic. Like others here I was brought up an uber-feminist but now don't agree with everything I used to think...

IMO this philosophy can be great fun if applied to sex (if you're into that kind of thing AND in a trusting, safe relationship) - others have mentioned BDSM - if you're interested try googling the US site Taken in Hand - but don't take it too seriously.

Taken in Hand is awful as well! If you want to do this kind of thing as a BDSM kind of exercise, then fair enough, but with free and fully informed consent for all and always with an ultimate get out. Which is not really what Taken in Hand is all about.

Omg I got 35!!! but I do have a very controling DH so that probably why

ElderberrySyrup The position's still vacant!

Doing the quiz from my married pov, I scored 78 and got "Congratulations!
Your marriage is very intimate and passionate. You found a man you respect, and the two of you have a positive impact on each other. This union is a healthy mix of individuality and togetherness. You're quick to apologize, and he adores you for it."

Which is strange, since the marriage was a two-year disaster. Or maybe I just wasn't trying hard enough? I am pretty sure we'd still be together if I'd scored 100 - though, since the questions that marked me down were the ones about feeling exhausted and misunderstood, I can't see any positive impact on me from total obedience. So what it's saying is that I'd be happier if I just stopped feeling exhausted and miserable in an abusive marriage ... oh, right, just stop thinking and feeling! Yeah, that's healthy

:( choceclairs :(
Have you joined the EA thread?

my jaw hit the floor at the bit at the bottom - 61 and up - you are a surrended wife - "you are quick to apologise and he adores you for it"

what
the
fuck

I got 56 on that test. I don't think I am a doormat though. That quiz really is all about respect, consideration, trust.

All those things are good. I just disagree that to have them, you must become a doormat. If you give over everything to another person - every decision, every bit of control - you lose a part of yourself and I think it could really affect your confidence and you could turn into someone who is incapable of making a decision.

Not a big problem while you have husband telling you everything down to how many sheets of loo roll to use to wipe your arse - but you never know when he may no longer be in your life. How would you even begin to function?

You must be able to be a fully functioning adult. I don't think you can be that if you give over every decision to another person.