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Original poster

I don't know what to do with this information.

74 replies

Grinchywoo · 08/11/2011 12:10

DP wants to move out. He doesn't want to split up, but he says he wants his own place so when we argue, I can't say get out of my house.

I feel like this is a huge step backwards for us. I feel completely insecure and unstable in our relationship now, and worry that he is only still here because he hasn't got the money together to move out.

I don't know what to do

OP posts:
Earlybird · 08/11/2011 12:12

Do you say 'get out of my house' when the two of you argue?

Original poster
Grinchywoo · 08/11/2011 12:13

I have done when we have argued and I have felt intimidated by him yes

OP posts:
SixStringWidow · 08/11/2011 12:14

I can understand your DP feeling like his 'home' could be taken away from him at any minute. And it's unfair of you to dangle that in front of him when you argue.

If it's a step backwards, how about suggesting a move forward...

How long have you been together?

AurraSing · 08/11/2011 12:15

If you say 'get out of my house' when you argue, perhaps he feels insure in the relationship. I wouldn't like the threat of being homeless over me in that situation.

Earlybird · 08/11/2011 12:16

Please describe what he does/has done that intimidates you.

How long have you been together?

OrmIrian · 08/11/2011 12:17

I don't blame him TBH.

Earlybird · 08/11/2011 12:17

And is it actually 'your' house where the two of you live?

Original poster
Grinchywoo · 08/11/2011 12:17

we have been together 18 months.

He punches things, shouts, gets right in my face etc.

OP posts:
OrmIrian · 08/11/2011 12:18

Well that isn't the real issue then is it.

SarkySpanner · 08/11/2011 12:18

Sounds like a 'step backwards' would be a good idea.

Original poster
Grinchywoo · 08/11/2011 12:18

OrmIrian I don't for the reasons he he saying, but what I am upset and worried about is that he has only patched things up after our last argument so he has a place to stay in the interim iykwim.

OP posts:
SixStringWidow · 08/11/2011 12:18

Do you have children living in this environment?

Original poster
Grinchywoo · 08/11/2011 12:18

Earlybird Its my name on the contract, and he moved in after me and ds already lived there

OP posts:
OrmIrian · 08/11/2011 12:20

Sorry, I meant the 'get out of my house' isn't the real issue. He's aggressive to you.

BlueRedGreen · 08/11/2011 12:21

I would suggest you encourage him to do what he has suggested, and then not let him back in your home again at all. Your son should not be living in an environment where a man is treating his mother like that, and nor should you.

SixStringWidow · 08/11/2011 12:21

To be honest Grinchywoo, there is no excuse for violence in any relationship.

I know it's not as easy as typing the words but I'd ask him to get his own place.

How long were you going out before he moved in?

Flisspaps · 08/11/2011 12:22

Grinchywoo Given that he punches things, shouts and gets right in your face, then I think that him getting his own place would be a very good idea.

Especially since you have a child. You might not think he sees/hears what happens, but he probably does, or will.

Yes, everyone argues, but punching things and getting in your face are not normal things to do in an argument.

In your shoes, I'd welcome him getting a place of his own. He could bloody well stay there permanently then.

Original poster
Grinchywoo · 08/11/2011 12:22

the aggression etc is not my current issue. I thought we were patching things up to move forward, but its like he can't forgive me for saying get out and now we are going backwards

At the end of the day, what I want is a fmaily and some stability within the house. I don't want to be estranged, and think we would be better off splitting up now than getting my hopes up that things are going to be ok.

I dont know what to do or say to him about this.

OP posts:
earlyriser · 08/11/2011 12:26

I think you'd be better off splitting up too, and for YOU to be the one to start the ball rolling. Today.

TheOriginalFAB · 08/11/2011 12:26

I'd be helping him pack.

Earlybird · 08/11/2011 12:26

This does not sound like a man who can give you the sense of 'family and stability' that you desire.

IMO, best to let him go.

SixStringWidow · 08/11/2011 12:26

Grinchywoo, you cannot separate the issues, they are all one and the same, imo.

He's using the "get out of my house" comment as an excuse for his bad behaviour.

And will continue to make excuses.

Is your wanting of a family more powerful than the need to keep you and your son safe?

You seem adamant that you want to stay with him, and that's fine, but you both need to talk through your issues - before you move forwards.

earlyriser · 08/11/2011 12:27

Can you forgive him for intimidating you? That is the real question you should be asking yourself.

Flisspaps · 08/11/2011 12:27

I think what he wants is for you to say 'Oh, we'll put your name on my house and then everything will be fine' - and then when the aggression doesn't stop and you find yourself and your son stuck with this man because it's now his house too.

I think you should listen to yourself when you say At the end of the day, what I want is a fmaily and some stability within the house. I don't want to be estranged, and think we would be better off splitting up now than getting my hopes up that things are going to be ok. I think deep down you know this is what you should do for yourself and your son.

I don't want to be sitting here saying 'Leave The Bastard!' so he could move to his own place (but stay together) and you can see it as an opportunity for him to show you that he can stop being aggressive. If he does get aggressive around you still, and storm off to his own place, then I think that would prove that he hasn't changed and probably never will.

OriginalPoster · 08/11/2011 12:28

I feel insecure and unstable
He intimidates me
He punches things
Gets right in my face
He shouts....

Listen to yourself, you have a ds, this man is planning to move out. You should celebrate, you already have a family and you will have stability in your house when he has gone.

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