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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I don't know what to do with this information.

74 replies

Grinchywoo · 08/11/2011 12:10

DP wants to move out. He doesn't want to split up, but he says he wants his own place so when we argue, I can't say get out of my house.

I feel like this is a huge step backwards for us. I feel completely insecure and unstable in our relationship now, and worry that he is only still here because he hasn't got the money together to move out.

I don't know what to do

OP posts:

bubblegumpop · 08/11/2011 14:27

He is doing it because he is an abuser a classic one at that. You end up with men like this, as you'd rather it to being lonely.

You need to realise this and break the cycle. Which only you can do.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/11/2011 14:49

He's also doing it because he can; emotionally desperate and vulnerable women like you are gifts to such abusive types and you were targetted. Let him go and get his own place if you can get him out of your place. I do not think also he will make it at all easy for you.

Do not put a fear of being lonely ahead of what is really happening to you and by turn your son here. This person is no ideal role model for such a young person to look up to is he?. WOuld you want your son as an adult to do what this man is doing?. Of course not. But you are currently teaching your son that this treatment of you is acceptable to you.

I would also suggest you read "Women who love too much" written by Robin Norwood.

TooManyStuffedBirds · 08/11/2011 15:23

Following on Attila's message...
The more you put up with it, the more your son is being trained.
Can you not see that one day your son, perhaps as a young teen, might try out this demonstrated behavior on you and attempt to hit you? And that would not be him just being an unruly teenager...nip it in the bud now.

Demanding respect from this man will get the important message to your son that you are a respectable person and he (your son) will be expected to respect you, and other girls/ladies as well. Talk to him about this man's departure and why. Even if your son is only 5 or 6 years old, he will understand that certain behaviors will not be tolerated.

If you can't dump this abuser for yourself, then please do it for your son. The future of his relastionships are at stake, as well as yours.

fuzzynavel · 08/11/2011 15:42

he is now backing off from me and its confusing and upsetting

Grinchy, please believe that a good man would not do this to you.

At this moment in time at least tell him that you think him moving out would be a good idea so you can both stand back and re-evaluate (and get him to do it). This will send him the message that you aren't a bloody push over.

He is then out of your home and you can put self-esteem boosting measures mentioned into place.

Original poster

Grinchywoo · 08/11/2011 15:50

the thing is, we are due some money towards the end of december. he said he is going to use some of it to get a place of his own, but not until January as it will be hard with Christmas coming up...he is going to be in hmy home as a 'couple' until then and that is what is so confusing, is he stringing me along until he has a better option?

OP posts:

Doha · 08/11/2011 15:59

you are being taken for a mug here. He is just using you for a roof over his head right now.

Agree with fuzzynavel ask him to leave now, this relationship is going nowhere

KatieScarlett2833 · 08/11/2011 16:02

He is sooo stringing you along.

Dump his nasty ass today.

fuzzynavel · 08/11/2011 16:06

We are due some money? how does that work? Have you paid into something together? Who's account is the money going into?

Where he goes is of no concern to you honey.

Original poster

Grinchywoo · 08/11/2011 16:09

its both of our money, it will be paid to my account, but is rightfully 1/2 his

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 08/11/2011 16:50

Tell him to leave now, and you will pay him his half when it comes

KatieScarlett2833 · 08/11/2011 16:51

What AF said.

AnyFucker · 08/11/2011 16:56

he wants to leave

give him what he wants

(and watch him back track like crazy)

if he hates you that much, and you are so crap, he would be happy to kip on a mates floor until he gets his dosh

present him with a "good luck and goodbye" card, and wave him off with a smile

TheOriginalFAB · 08/11/2011 17:35

"as a couple" so you have to still shag him then.

AnyFucker · 08/11/2011 17:53

he obvioulsy expects her to

but she would be very, very foolish to do so

TheOriginalFAB · 08/11/2011 19:23

Absolutely.

ImperialBlether · 08/11/2011 19:39

I'd be having a party at the thought of him moving out. He's absolutely horrible, OP.

Hissy · 08/11/2011 19:59

L E T H I M G O!!!

Seriously, he's playing you, he's grooming you and he IS no good

ImperialBlether · 08/11/2011 20:39

Just keep saying, "You're right, you're absolutely right." When he changes his mind (which he will, if you say that) say, "No, you were right the first time. It's awful for me, but you are right." If you can squeeze a tear out (before the party) it might help.

mycherubs · 08/11/2011 21:07

i dont necessarily think after 18 months you should still be in the 'honeymoon' stage - life gets in the way!! sounds like you are both unhappy and he wants to pull away ... run away even ... do you find it difficult to talk to each other about whats really happening ... does it all build up then become a big crescendo? do you still love each other?

Original poster

Grinchywoo · 09/11/2011 09:27

mycherubs you have got it spot on.

Yes we do love each other

OP posts:

Doha · 09/11/2011 10:29

well that definition of love is a new one on me!!

sounds an awful relationship to be honest. Let him go and then see just how much he loves you

cestlavielife · 09/11/2011 10:39

if love is feeling "completely insecure and unstable " then this love aint a good thing....

it isnt love -you said yourself - it is the idea of love/relatiosnhip that you crave.
this man punches shouts gets in your face and wants to move out.

let him go

bubblegumpop · 09/11/2011 13:02

Oh Jesus Christ. This isn't love, this isn't love young's dream. He is an abusive cocklodger that is stringing you along until he has done what he wants

This isn't "life" getting in the way of life's young dream.

But you don't have the strength to realise that. That is why you have cottoned on to probably the most unhelpful and unrealistic post on the thread. Then said it was spot on

Lemonylemon · 09/11/2011 13:16

"Yes we do love each other" - You might do, but he certainly doesn't.....

This is meant kindly - you need to work on your self-esteem before getting into another relationship. You come across as quite needy and vulnerable.

Being a single mum is not all about loneliness - you should value your own company enough not to feel gut wrenching loneliness. You can be quite happy in life without a man to make you feel viable and valuable.

You do not need this man. Your son CERTAINLY doesn't need this man.....

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