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Original poster

I don't know what to do with this information.

74 replies

Grinchywoo · 08/11/2011 12:10

DP wants to move out. He doesn't want to split up, but he says he wants his own place so when we argue, I can't say get out of my house.

I feel like this is a huge step backwards for us. I feel completely insecure and unstable in our relationship now, and worry that he is only still here because he hasn't got the money together to move out.

I don't know what to do

OP posts:
Original poster
Grinchywoo · 08/11/2011 12:32

OriginalPoster I currently don't know what my situation is going to be, thats what is playing with my head.

Since our last row, I don't feel like we are a unit any more

OP posts:
OriginalPoster · 08/11/2011 12:35

grinchy

You and your ds deserve a lovely man who is kind and considerate, not a load of threatening behaviour and abuse. How long were you on your own before you met dp?

Flisspaps · 08/11/2011 12:36

Grinchywoo Choose your situation. Why leave it in the hands of this man who thinks it is perfectly acceptable to make you feel insecure, unstable, intimidated, to punch things and shout at you?

He's offering you the biggest chance of stability as a family that he is ever going to give you. Take it with both hands, and take your bloody house keys off him at the same time.

OriginalPoster · 08/11/2011 12:37

Also remember that you can decide if he stays or goes, it is not up to him.

Original poster
Grinchywoo · 08/11/2011 12:45

I was on my own for 5 years before we met, single mum to ds.

I can't face that type of loneliness again

OP posts:
OriginalPoster · 08/11/2011 12:48

Have a Brew

Have you got some friends or family in RL to talk to about it? I'm sorry you're having a hard time.

fuzzynavel · 08/11/2011 12:49

Grinch for god sake listen to the other posters, the man is a controlling tosser. Your NUMBER ONE priority should be your child.

He says he wants his own place, tooo damn right. Tell him to go get it and lock the door behind him.

He will never give you that stable family life you hanker over, NEVER.

Sorry, but I get bloody angry with grown women with children that put themselves in this sort of situation.

HE TREATS YOU LIKE SHIT.

Do you want to be a doormat?

Original poster
Grinchywoo · 08/11/2011 12:55

fuzzynavel with respect, you only know about his behaviour during a very heated argument. Not defending him but I am not putting him before my child either!

OP posts:
Flisspaps · 08/11/2011 12:59

Grinchywoo With respect, that behaviour should not be acceptable even during a heated argument, child or no child in the house.

Being lonely absolutely cannot be worse than being with an aggressive partner who does not value or respect you. And even if this behaviour only flares up during a very heated argument, it's a sign of not respecting or valuing you.

buzzswellington · 08/11/2011 13:01

You've been together 18 months - you should still be in the honeymoon period.

Punching things and getting in your face is a horrible example for your dc, and it is frightening. What sort of man is ok with frightening the person he's supposed to love?

If you put up with this now, what will you put up with when the 'honeymoon' is over?

Let him go.

Get your twat radar sorted. Don't let a desire for a relationship become any relationship at any cost.

RubyLovesMayMay · 08/11/2011 13:03

"I can't face that type of loneliness again"

So just what will you put up with (and put your DS though) to avoid it?

I'd rather have no partner than a shit partner anyday of the week.

Listen to what Flisspaps says, I think she's spot on.

AnyFucker · 08/11/2011 13:05

You would put up with aggression for the sake of not being lonely ?

really ?

any relationship, even though it is damaging for children, is better than none ?

really ?

a "step backwards" is the most sensible move here...your partner takes many steps backwards right out of your life, and you and ds get your peace of mind back

SixStringWidow · 08/11/2011 13:05

OP - can you answer my question please?

How long were you seeing each other before he moved in?

Are you sure you know him well enough?

fuzzynavel · 08/11/2011 13:07

Grinchywoo, I second what all subsequent posters have said.

I'm going to be rather blunt here now.

Go to councilling, read books, anything but get yourself a bit of self respect and kick the bloke out.

GypsyMoth · 08/11/2011 13:08

How would you both manage financially?

Will it be a complete split?

garlicBread · 08/11/2011 13:14

Argh. I know how horrible it is when all you want is for things to work out, and it all seems to go flaky as soon as you think you've got a hold on it.

Unfortunately I also know this is a sign that you're in a bad relationship.

So I'm joining the "let him go" chorus :( I don't hink he will go that easily, actually. I think he's bluffing to try and get more control over your choices.

My advice is not only to let him go, but to damn well help him out. I am very, very sorry but I hope you find the common sense to do it. Ring Womens Aid if you need a second opinion. All the best.

fuzzynavel · 08/11/2011 13:16

I feel completely insecure and unstable in our relationship now

He's working his evil and you're playing right into his hands.

He said he wanted to move out. Who care's about finiances, you aren't married, you don't have children together which is a massive blessing.

Cut all ties.

OriginalPoster · 08/11/2011 13:22

Grinchy being on your own with an older child might not be so lonely as it was when ds was little. If you work, you will meet peole there. You could do sleepovers with a friend's children and return the favour, to give you a chance to get out. You do not have to be lonely just because you're not in a relationship.

Did you have a bad time with ds's dad, too? Have you any family support?

bubblegumpop · 08/11/2011 13:43

Oh he won't move out don't worry about that, he'll stay. This is all designed to get you feeling desperate and insecure. Job well done.

He'll then tell you how he has had a change of heart. You'll be grateful he is staying. Then he has the go ahead to ramp is violence and abuse up 10x. Next it won't be objects he punches it will be you or even your dc.

You are so desperate for a relationship, you'd rather have an abusive one, he knows this.

I'd suggest calling is bluff, get him out, and getting some help and support yourself, so you don't fall for his type again.

Because what you are feeling now, is gonna get 100x worse when he ups his games, which he will.

Callisto · 08/11/2011 13:55

OP are you incapable to taking control of your life? You sound like a complete pushover tbh, and you are not being a good role model for your son. If you stay in this relationship your son will grow up thinking that this is how all women should be treated.

And the punching things during an argument. How long do you think it will be before you become the thing your 'D'P punches? FGS get some self-respect and kick this tosser into touch.

Original poster
Grinchywoo · 08/11/2011 14:03

sorry - we were together 6 months before he moved in, die to extenuating circs

OP posts:
bubblegumpop · 08/11/2011 14:07

No long then. Read my post and the others here. I'm telling you he won't move out. In fact I gt'e it.

You'll have a job to get him to go in fact. Mark my words.

Original poster
Grinchywoo · 08/11/2011 14:17

OriginalPoster yes, he is an arse. I seem to attract them

OP posts:
bubblegumpop · 08/11/2011 14:22

So, you need to get rid. Take some time to yourself. Real time, get a job if you don't, find childcare, make friends, get an activity under your belt. Even if ds is in tow.

Basically make a life for yourself, you'll find you won't need a man and won't feel you need one for completion. Men like this sense desperation to not be lonely a mile off. That is why you attract them.

A good relationship should be a compliment to your life. Not the be all and end all.

Original poster
Grinchywoo · 08/11/2011 14:24

I already work fulltime, and I am exhausted at the end of each day. I thought this was the man I was going to be with but he is now backing off from me and its confusing and upsetting

OP posts: