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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I don't want to have sex with my husband

76 replies

AICM · 07/11/2011 19:42

He's lovely I love him to bits.But he has a normal sex drive and I have none.
Once a week we kiss and cuddle the he puts on a condom and gets on with it himself if you know what I mean. He hasn't complianed but I know he wants more. Some friends say I am being very unfair to him others say I am risking our marriage by not doing more as at some point the 'urge' might get the better of him and it will be partly my faulf for not giving him want even I think he deserves. What do you think?

OP posts:
MrFawkesMan · 07/11/2011 22:43

Well done, it takes something exceptional to get one of these you know

SlightlyJaded · 07/11/2011 23:00

OP you seem to have swerved nearly all the questions asked of you - namely why does he have to wank into a condom? Why once a week? And what benefit to him is your presence on these occasions? Are you involved at all? It's hard to understand your situation without clarification as it seems so bizarre. But to answer your original question, unless your DH has a very low sex drive as well, I don't think you can sustain an entirely happy and fulfilled relationship this way. This doesn't mean be will 'cheat' but he will think about it and he cannot be content.

As an aside, whilst I know nothing about pituitary tumours, the fact that you can enjoy oral sex and reach orgasm, suggests to me that whilst you might have a depleted sex drive, your condition has become a bit of an excuse for sexual apathy. Sorry if that sounds harsh.

susiedaisy · 07/11/2011 23:35

Think this is a wind up tbh.

BluddyMoFo · 08/11/2011 00:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AmberLeaf · 08/11/2011 00:16

Grin @BluddyMoFo

pinkyp · 08/11/2011 06:44

Is this real?

SarahStratton · 08/11/2011 09:16

Jesus, the least you could do would be to wank the poor sod off. Why can't you do that for him?

SolidGoldVampireBat · 08/11/2011 10:24

I'm a bit not sure about this. I think it's possible that both OP and her partner are people who have had a very limited amount of sex education and simply don't know what they should be doing or even what they would like to be doing.

TheRhubarb · 08/11/2011 10:36

AICM, would you mind telling us how long you have been a mumsnetter? I mean, have you changed your name for this thread? Because your situation sounds so bizarre that it does come across as though it's completely made up.

I have looked up pituitary glands and it doesn't mention loss of libido although it does affect your hormone levels. If you have such a benign tumour then I am very surprised that your GP is happy to let it lie. Have you been to your GP lately?

You can obviously climax so I suspect, if you are for real which you'd better be since I'm taking the time to answer you, that your problems are more psychological. Getting him to wank into a condom leads me to suspect that you think sex is dirty and wrong.

I strongly suggest that you see your GP and ask for counselling. Because yes, there is a good chance that your marriage will collapse. You see, one day he will get fed up of bringing you to a climax with oral sex whilst you do nothing for him. It's very one-sided and selfish. Right now he might put up with it because he loves you, but you are not showing him a lot of love in the bedroom are you?

I once saw something about the way men view sex on the TV and surprisingly many of them said that sex was their way of expressing their love for their partner. You are denying him this. If you said you didn't want any intimacy altogether I might have more sympathy for you, but you are happy to receive yet cannot be bothered to give.

Your relationship is not normal and therefore, for the sake of your dp, make an appt to see a female GP today and ask her to refer you to counselling. For your dp's sake.

tadpoles · 08/11/2011 11:44

Think this is probably a wind-up post but it certainly brought out some of the marital sex fundamentalist brigade.

Is it just me, or does anyone else think that what consenting adults do in their private lives is up to them? I don't really get all the 'shoulds'.

Wanking into a condom - hey, whatever!!

TheRhubarb · 08/11/2011 11:56

tadpoles, if the OP has asked for advice what use would be be if we just said "well, it's not really our business, sorry!"

She has asked advice (assuming she is real) because she feels it is a problem and she suspects that her dh is not happy with the situation. If he is being made to wank into a condom then that surely is one of your 'shoulds' that is so wrong. No-one should be made to do anything they don't want to do.

That includes her dh wanking into a condom and includes her not wanting to have sex if she really doesn't want to. However we can point out inequalities in the relationship such as her dh helping her to climax and her not returning the favour and in fact not doing anything to become more intimate with her dh as he initiates everything, including the oral sex.

But you are quite right, it is really none of our business so I don't know why these people bother asking for advice.

Aliceinboots · 08/11/2011 13:36

This seems almost too weird to be made up. Confused

burgerclub · 08/11/2011 13:49

Seems legit.

SlightlyJaded · 08/11/2011 14:01

OP are you still there?

smallnotfaraway · 08/11/2011 14:07

Perhaps the OP's husband is a sub? The OP says he knew about her lack libido when they got together, so perhaps the kind of relations they have are actually what he wants?

AICM - you said you have spoken to friends about the issue, so you've perhaps got over your sheltered upbringing a little? Maybe you could now ask the person closest to you, your life partner, if what you do/don't do is enough for him.

loopylou6 · 08/11/2011 14:20

But you do have a sex drive then don't you? wanking into a jonny? really? poor bloke Confused

blossom123 · 08/11/2011 14:31

I think this is a wind up surely?

pinkyp · 08/11/2011 16:31

I think it Is too thank god Smile

AICM · 08/11/2011 17:17

Thank you for your comments. You've given me a lot to think about.

OP posts:
BluddyMoFo · 08/11/2011 18:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

loopylou6 · 08/11/2011 19:32

Grin mofo, make sure he wears his dunce hat too and wanks facing the wall in the cupboard, you wouldn't want him feeling too entitled [wank]

pinkyp · 08/11/2011 20:04

He must really love you op, if you felt the same you would make a bit of effort. Maybe it's time for a new relationship? Let him find someone that loves him back.

AbbyAbsinthe · 08/11/2011 21:58

MoFo Grin

RubyPink · 08/11/2011 22:54

Grin wanks in a cupboard, facing the wall with a triple strength condom on just in case he makes a mess in there

SarahStratton · 09/11/2011 09:02

OP, if this is true, then I think you need to see your GP about some counselling/therapy.