Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I don't want to have sex with my husband

76 replies

AICM · 07/11/2011 19:42

He's lovely I love him to bits.But he has a normal sex drive and I have none.
Once a week we kiss and cuddle the he puts on a condom and gets on with it himself if you know what I mean. He hasn't complianed but I know he wants more. Some friends say I am being very unfair to him others say I am risking our marriage by not doing more as at some point the 'urge' might get the better of him and it will be partly my faulf for not giving him want even I think he deserves. What do you think?

OP posts:
BluddyMoFo · 07/11/2011 19:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MangoMonster · 07/11/2011 19:45

Are you on any medication or is it that you're tired or have you never particularly liked it?

AKissIsNotAContract · 07/11/2011 19:45

Can you clarify a bit further when you say 'he gets on with it himself'? Do you not get any foreplay? I expect most women would go off sex if there was no foreplay involved.

Original poster
AICM · 07/11/2011 19:49

Yes he wanks into a condom. I prefer It that way.
I have a hormone condition that means I don't have a sex drive.He knew this when we got yogether, at that time I knew he had a normal sex drive.

OP posts:
BluddyMoFo · 07/11/2011 19:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Malificence · 07/11/2011 19:58

You sound very controlling indeed if you insist he masturbates with a condom on, what's it got to do with you how/when he does it?

I'm afraid you lose any say in his sex life if you refuse to share a sex life with him.

Poor bloody bloke.

What's this mysterious hormone condition Hmm

AKissIsNotAContract · 07/11/2011 20:00

Would you be happy to allow him to have sex outside of the relationship?

Malificence · 07/11/2011 20:01

Oh and you don't "love him to bits", when you love someone, you want a mutually satisfying sex life with them.

Original poster
AICM · 07/11/2011 20:04

I have a pituitay tumour, benign.
Some friends say if I don't look after his needs somebody else will. Do they have a point?

OP posts:
bubblegumpop · 07/11/2011 20:07

Well I don't think you can expect anyone to never have a sexless life for ever. So yes he may decide that he isn't happy to spend his life never having sex again at some point.

I think many with a healthy sex life would get to this stage eventually.

picnicbasketcase · 07/11/2011 20:08

I don't understand the condom part? If all he's getting is masturbation, shouldn't he be allowed to at least do it with a condom on? Confused

AKissIsNotAContract · 07/11/2011 20:09

If you don't want to have sex would it really be so bad for you to discuss him having sex outside of the relationship?

Malificence · 07/11/2011 20:09

Having no libido doesn't automatically = not enjoying sex.
If you enjoy sex when you have it then there is nothing stopping you and your husband from having a decent sex life.
If he is ok with fulfilling his own sexual needs with zero input from you, you should at least let him wank however and whenever he wants, you could also buy him some masturbatory toys, it can't be much fun for him to have a sexless marriage.

picnicbasketcase · 07/11/2011 20:09

That should say 'without^ a condom on' obviously

MangoMonster · 07/11/2011 20:10

He knew this when he met you, his decision. It must be hard not to have sex if you have a normal sex drive. Could you compromise, like a hand job, it's the same a giving your partner a massage, you don't have to get turned on yourself. I'd say compromise is key.

BluddyMoFo · 07/11/2011 20:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

picnicbasketcase · 07/11/2011 20:11

Malificence makes a very good point - does your condition just mean that you never feel in the mood, or that if he tried lots of foreplay you would have absolutely no response?

MangoMonster · 07/11/2011 20:11

malificence I think your post sound quite harsh.

Note2Self · 07/11/2011 20:15

OP, I think you need to sit down together wit a glass of wine and have a frank (but gentle) talk. What are the issues? if it is your hormones, what treatment can you seek to put this right? if it is something else - tiredness, just got out of the habit, poor self esteem, just dont fancy him anymore etc etc - it needs to be addressed.

It is unfair on both of you to carry on this way. Your husband is very probably sexually frustrated and starved if affection and intimacy. And you must carry some guilt and feel a bit crap about yourself, too. You owe it to your marriage, the man you love and yourself to sit down and sort this out.

Malificence · 07/11/2011 20:16

Op hasn't said whether she actually enjoys sex, even if you have no libido, you are normally quite capable of enjoying sexual contact.
You don't have to actively desire sex for it to be pleasurable.

The condom thing indicates that she has issues surrounding sex/seminal fluid at the very least.

TheOriginalFAB · 07/11/2011 20:19

I suspect the condom is to stop wet patches.

BluddyMoFo · 07/11/2011 20:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MangoMonster · 07/11/2011 20:19

Maybe we are at cross purposes. I assumed having no libido meant you had no interest in sex at all...

BluddyMoFo · 07/11/2011 20:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MangoMonster · 07/11/2011 20:22

Bluddy don't think there's any need to be like that... It's a serious question from OP and she's obviously worried...