Should people advising on relationship topic be good at relationships?

[eekamouse2]

Have been thinking about this for a while. Frequently when I look at OPs on the Relationship topic, the problem is one of one party being unhappy about their partner's behaviour.

Sometimes it's severe but often it's just something which should be capable of being fixed through effective communication, but I'm a bit horrified at how frequently certain posters who are not in a relationship will tell the OP to get the hell out, will call the OP's partner a cock lodger, say that they're treating the OP as a domestic appliance with genitals attached, etc etc. I think it's just as insulting to the partner to use that particular phrase as to suggest that the OP expects their partner to be a sperm donor with an ATM attached. Not at all helpful.

The point is that people giving this sort of knee jerk "leave him" advice, if they are not in a happy, fulfilling relationship themselves have proved themselves incapable of working at a successful relationship, and so are the least qualified to advise.

Maybe we could have one day where everyone advising on relationships has to be in a good, functioning, mutually respectful relationship, ie someone who has risen to the challenges of difficulties in their marriage and overcome them rather than people who have failed miserably in their relationships and are bitterly single. So the people answering are actually qualified to say how to make a relationship work because they've done it through hard work and compromise.

Otherwise, posting relationship problems on this topic's a bit like going to a doctor who has smoked, drunk, taken drugs and generally fucked up their own health and asking for advice on healthy living imo

There are plenty of us on here who are in long term, happy and mutually respectful relationships.
The bitter singletons are quite few and far between actually.
Generally, the ones advocating "leaving the bastard" are the ones who've been there, got the t-shirt and recognise the red flags and the undermining behaviour, far more so than someone like me, who has not been in an abusive relationship.

I think the women posters who defend indefensible male behaviour are the really dangerous ones tbh.

Many may THINK they are in good relationships and in a position to advise..... But the reality is, they may be living a lie. Many post and say ' I thought we were ok' or ' after 18 years of a good marriage he is acting inappropriately on Facebook chat'

I think you are wrong op... Nobody knows the true state of their marriage.

Well, I finally received some horrible fidelity news yesterday, after 6 years of asking for it.

Im not delighted, but we are both aware that poor communication, lack of compromise, snowballing problems (ie he works too hard, she moans, he wont change she criticises, he works even harder, she makes him move, he is really fucked off and...etc) are a major factor. There are some things I couldnt have changed, such as his background/childhood, which have led to some negative behaviours as a response to stress.

The 'leave him' responses did actually help me to force a badly needed confession, tbh, although at the time I veered away from them, and thought the same as you. Still, people can find all kinds of advice helpful, but at the end of the day we mostly make up our own minds, dont we?

I haven't seen any "bitterly single" posters on the Relationships topic giving advice

Could you give some quotes/examples please ?

I agree with the OP that mumsnetters are very prompt in saying get rid when perhaps there are problems that can be addressed,

I have seen, however, a few strong women who are happy to be out of shit relationships

did you mean them ?

'cos i think they are the clued-up ones, tbh

I've never seen anyone advise "getting rid" where it hasn't been warranted, very often, more comes out on a thread and the ones advocating drastic action early on were right all along .

"often it's just something which should be capable of being fixed through effective communication" - you're obviously reading different posts to me then.

I think you OP are making a lot of assumptions about the people who post here. I also think you're looking for a fight. There's AIBU for that.

YABU, two of the best women I know in RL for giving great relationship advice and general life advice don't take their own advice at all and are in shite relationships... smuggy-mc-smugsmugs usually give crap advice

buzz, pass the hob nobs

AF

I guess you think women should accept being shouted at, infidelity, alcoholism, drug use, violence and financial abuse because 'it can be worked through'

Maybe not all of us want that?

I was a happy singleton until I found a man who cherishes me, would never swear at me, hit me, spend my money or have sex with anyone other than me whilst in a relationship with me.

but TT, you should have tolerated that crap just to have a relationship

any relationship

why the fuck didn't you ?

So, OP, you would never go to a health professional who has regularly drunk, smoked, taken drugs - I'd stay well away from med school parties if I was you...

sorry op but I disagree.

I think that sometimes if you have been through experiences it is easier to relate to people going through something similar. I was in a relationship in my 20's that I can recognise now as being abusive in several levels - emotionally, financially and physically. When I did get out I wasn't bitter just regretful. And glad I got out when I did. f I could go back in time I would have lots of good advice to give myself!

the beauty of mn is it provides great objectivity. Being single and not currently in a steady relationship is not a failure just as being happy and in a solid relationship (as I am now) doesn't mean you have succeeded.

and, in fact, any family general practitioner

You don't need to be in a relationship to see that a person is being mistreated. I also think that it does not mean that you have proved yourself incapable of working at a relationship if you are currently single. The wealth of collective experience available on MN is invaluable. Advice can be ignored but may make a person think if, say 80+% of posters are saying the same thing.

I'm not for that kind of introspection and second-guessing about the people behind the posts here on MN.

For the many MNetters who post and receive straightforward advice about their issues, there must be many more who lurk and do not post for whatever reason. I'd love to see how many people visit these pages.

All that mutual support has been a godsend to many, many people at difficult times in their lives. Whether it comes from people in or out of relationships doesn't really matter - you take from it what you want.

For amongst those posts will be little nuggets of information which will give the poster the strength to make their own decisions.

You don't need to know anyone's relationship background. When someone has specific knowledge or experience to share, the words they use when they post are often compelling and often they jump off the page. It can be brutal and frank, but at least its honest.

AF - I saw the light :)

Maybe the OP is jealous?

Many of my friends envied me when I left and I can remember them saying to me 'oh you're so lucky' and thinking WTF!? Leave if it's that bad.

Lone parenting is not a walk in the park. I was unsupported financially and physically. I promise you OP, it had to be bad to choose this.

There's also been many great posts from women on here who have stayed with partners after affairs and managed to make a happier marriage. I think there is clear advice as to the signs that things have a chance and the signs that things do not.

I do recall there being a trend in the mid 90s for magazine 'agony aunts' to be people with no professional training nor discernible writing ability, whose one qualification for the job appeared to have been that they were married to someone famous who had dumped them.

However, OP, I think your recommendations suck. ONe of the most important messages to communicate, particularly to women, is that being single is OK. Much of the misery associated with relationships comes from this idea that everyone has to have a couple-relationship, no matter how unsatisfactory. Single people who are either remaining single until there's a partner worth having, or who are smart enough to accept that they themselves actually haved no interest in heteromonogamy, are much better at giving sound advice than people who think that any relationship is better than no relationship, or who are clinging on to a situation that might look OK from the outside but is in fact thoroughly toxic.

SGB: being single is OK

ABSOLUTELY.

being single is OK being single is OK being single is OK being single is OK - it needs repeating a few times :)

Whenever I see someone saying "I feel torn between X person and Y person" I usually think what that person needs is to be alone for a while and get to know/love themselves as a single person.

What SGB says. There is nowt wrong with being single. I am single and not bitter.