Should people advising on relationship topic be good at relationships?

[eekamouse2]

Have been thinking about this for a while. Frequently when I look at OPs on the Relationship topic, the problem is one of one party being unhappy about their partner's behaviour.

Sometimes it's severe but often it's just something which should be capable of being fixed through effective communication, but I'm a bit horrified at how frequently certain posters who are not in a relationship will tell the OP to get the hell out, will call the OP's partner a cock lodger, say that they're treating the OP as a domestic appliance with genitals attached, etc etc. I think it's just as insulting to the partner to use that particular phrase as to suggest that the OP expects their partner to be a sperm donor with an ATM attached. Not at all helpful.

The point is that people giving this sort of knee jerk "leave him" advice, if they are not in a happy, fulfilling relationship themselves have proved themselves incapable of working at a successful relationship, and so are the least qualified to advise.

Maybe we could have one day where everyone advising on relationships has to be in a good, functioning, mutually respectful relationship, ie someone who has risen to the challenges of difficulties in their marriage and overcome them rather than people who have failed miserably in their relationships and are bitterly single. So the people answering are actually qualified to say how to make a relationship work because they've done it through hard work and compromise.

Otherwise, posting relationship problems on this topic's a bit like going to a doctor who has smoked, drunk, taken drugs and generally fucked up their own health and asking for advice on healthy living imo

is any one actually good at relationships?
Is being good at relationships actually a good thing, or just a euphemism for being over willing to compromise?
I'm single, it's bliss, not in the slightest bit bitter, I'm a self contained misanthropic loner who is crap @ relationships

Relationships are supposed to enhance your life not make you miserable.

However petty problems may seem, if both partners can't reach an agreement in a mature way, I would always suggest they move on. What's the point otherwise, it's not an endurance contest.

In fact, if they can't agree over the petty, day to day stuff, like housework (yawn), then they are really not getting much out of the relationship imo. Life's too short would be the appropriate cliche, I think.

Too often, all it highlights is the lack of respect and care of one partner for the other. And if you are not looking for respect and care, honesty and reliability, what are you looking for?

I would certainly rather be on my own.

I am very happily married and have been for 22 years.
This gives me some insight into overcoming difficulties, coping with significant changes in life, finances, children, bereavement etc and how the fallout affects your long standing marriage.

But someone who chooses to be single has insight into their life. Someone who has walked away from an unsatisisfying relationship does too. Someone who has survived abuse or recovered from an acrimonious split or worked things out after infidelity also has experience and insight.

Anyone who understands why they are where they are, or who has experience or understands certain dynamics or patterns of behaviour is a valuable resource.

Why would you only listen to one person living one particular life?

But, just because the op has chosen to be an arse about 'bitter singles' or whatever the ridiculous phrase was, can we not start spouting about how happy, long lived marriages are all a lie or a sham. That is just as purile.

I don't think it is because of 'bitter singles' but I do think that there is a bit of a 'leave the twat' tendency, so I know what the OP means there. I very much doubt the OP was meaning to defend the behaviour of violent, horrible men.

There is a massive difference between DV (a get-the-hell-out-of-there issue) and having an affair, say. Of course there are men who can't keep their dick in their trousers, who again, you want to avoid like the plague. However I've known of plenty of affairs in RL where the situation was a lot more complex.
Quite a lot of the problems on here I CAN see how a couple could work through if they wanted to.

Anyway, we all have our views, eh, I guess that's the point of it....

Isn't the whole point of Mumsnet that you can get advice from people in every walk of life? Married or single, gay or straight - we have all had different experiences and try to pass on the things we have learnt along the way.
I have been on MN in the distant past (under another name) when I was in a terrible relationship and the advice I received helped me through some of the hardest times of my life. Some advice was from people who had been through the same thing and others hadn't but I welcomed it all and was grateful.
Now I am in a good relationship, but can still empathise with the people who are now in the situation I was in back then. Whether they take it is up to them though.

Some people are in a position to see what's right for others even if they expect less for themselves.

There's a big difference between DV and adultery (and personally, adultery would be a deal breaker for me), and some of the really quite minor issues you see on here sometimes, stuff like where the man is going away for a long weekend for example, and is treated on here as some sort of criminal.

I'm also very happily married (20 years), and feel that sometimes the best advice is to ask whether, in six weeks time, you're likely still to be incandescent with rage about whatever the partner/DH has said or done. If so, then you have a problem, but for lots of relatively minor issues, you have to have a give and take attitude. I was well pissed off with my dh the other night because I was winning University Challenge and he said I was cheating and we ended up turning it off. I suspect that if I'd posted about it on here I would have been told to throw him out, but he is a lovely man and we adore each other usually so I moved on and changed the subject and we avoided a row. Equally, I know he bites his tongue with me on lots of occasions because we value having a harmonious relationship above scoring points against each other.

I'm waffling. Sorry.

The fact that I have two divorces behind me doesn't mean I'm "incapable of working at a successful relationship". Far from it - I was ever so capable of working at a relationship, even shit ones where I was the only one putting in the work.

All that willingness to work at a relationship made me an excellent abuse target. I can (and do) advise on communication, on compromising, on thinking positively and seeing another point of view. I'm an expert! But where only one partner is doing all this, the relationship is unbalanced. Where the other partner requires it, they require sacrifice. That is abuse.

It took much expensive therapy to grasp one simple fact: relationships are not supposed to hurt. I try to pass it along, hopefully sparing some people years of confusion and thousands of pounds. What's irresponsible about that?

Plus what everyone else has said, of course. OP, if you're working at a relationship that hurts - maybe you'd like to post more about it?

I was well pissed off with my dh the other night because I was winning University Challenge and he said I was cheating and we ended up turning it off. I suspect that if I'd posted about it on here I would have been told to throw him out

What bollocks! If you'd written that DH always denies your intelligence or knowledge, always insists on controlling the family's viewing and always accuses you of dishonesty, we'd be seeing a potential pattern there and asking more questions. But it's absolute rubbish to say anybody here would cry 'leave him' on the basis of a single row. The posters here aren't nine-year-olds, ffs, they're experienced adults.

I think what some people are missing is that it's actually fairly obvious to the open-minded when a row over something 'trivial' is a demonstration that one partner has no respect for the other at all. And anyone posting about relationship problems always gets a range of opinions. Even the poor sods experiencing severe DV will always get some twat or other advocating counselling, or sucking his cock more often. Hopefully people take what they need from the range of advice given.

If someone suggests getting shot of a partner, it is just that, a suggestion.

If even one woman leaves a DV relationship due to posters taking a hard line then thats fabulous in my book.

I have seen a couple of posts from 'bitter singles' on here - along the lines of 'woe is me, I can't find a man' etc. Without exception lots of cheerful single posters pile in to reassure the OP that bourgeois monogamy is not the only way to live one's life, that it's possible to be happy and single, and to make suggestions of things she might do to make her life more fun.

The attitude displayed by the OP, that anyone not in a happy long-term relationship is a Failure, is enormously damaging and its negative consequences are seen on this board every day.

I d

Sorry, didn't mean to post.

If I had posted advice three years ago from the top of my pedestal as a married woman of 22 years duration it would have been spectacularly useless. I would have been defending the institution of marriage in which I was trapped and unknowingly miserable.

Now I am living alone and happily single I can reflect on the journey of discovery I have enjoyed, and the lessons I have learned about denial, minimising and abusive relationships. I can recommend the therapeutic benefits of good friends, small pleasures and mindful enjoyment of everyday things.

People who have been through stuff have probably learned something useful they can share with others. Wisdom and insight sometimes has to be gained through painful experiences. And having a sense of humour and laughing at life is sometimes the only way to get through.

"When your chewing on life's gristle don't grumble, give a whistle"

So OP I denounce your view as plain wrong! (and sgb makes me laugh!)

OP, leaving a bad relationship it doesn't mean that you are a failure, you are a winner.

Your doctor example is silly imo, but if you insist on comparing relationships with smoking then i would say that i value the advice of people who smoked a lot and gave up or the advice of cancer survivors.

You know what? I just thought more about the doctor example. You or those who insist on 'working' and refuse change are actually that doctor.

So the question could be : 'would you trust a doctor who still smokes to give you advice on healthy living or a doctor who managed to give up?'.

I'm just saying this in reply to your OP btw i wouldn't normally compare the two. Some relationships worth fighting for, some not.

Think that MNs have been set up by OP

Yeah But this is a compulsory discussion in Relationships! I happen to think there were some particularly strong replies here, so let's hope they reassure anyone who was thinking about posting an issue ...