Should people advising on relationship topic be good at relationships?

[eekamouse2]

Have been thinking about this for a while. Frequently when I look at OPs on the Relationship topic, the problem is one of one party being unhappy about their partner's behaviour.

Sometimes it's severe but often it's just something which should be capable of being fixed through effective communication, but I'm a bit horrified at how frequently certain posters who are not in a relationship will tell the OP to get the hell out, will call the OP's partner a cock lodger, say that they're treating the OP as a domestic appliance with genitals attached, etc etc. I think it's just as insulting to the partner to use that particular phrase as to suggest that the OP expects their partner to be a sperm donor with an ATM attached. Not at all helpful.

The point is that people giving this sort of knee jerk "leave him" advice, if they are not in a happy, fulfilling relationship themselves have proved themselves incapable of working at a successful relationship, and so are the least qualified to advise.

Maybe we could have one day where everyone advising on relationships has to be in a good, functioning, mutually respectful relationship, ie someone who has risen to the challenges of difficulties in their marriage and overcome them rather than people who have failed miserably in their relationships and are bitterly single. So the people answering are actually qualified to say how to make a relationship work because they've done it through hard work and compromise.

Otherwise, posting relationship problems on this topic's a bit like going to a doctor who has smoked, drunk, taken drugs and generally fucked up their own health and asking for advice on healthy living imo

Sort of x-post Coffee!

well, I am not single

but I would rather be single than tolerate some of the shit some people urge others to tolerate, for the sake of being not single

We advise because we like to be helpful. However; sometimes our own stuff gets in the way. Our past is a resource for the future. Sometimes it is only a resource for us and sometimes it can show another that you empathise with them. Our best advice is what we find for, and give ourselves. Everyone already has everything they need to solve any situation. As far as taking advice - intuitively we know which responses feel right. All part of the process. Good Luck with stuff

What a daft OP.

I don't think there is such a thing as being good at relationships. Technically I was a failure at every relationship until I met DH. I didn't magically become good at relationships when I met him, it's just worked out that we are much more compatible and in love etc and so on.

i want advice from people that have been there,done that and got out the other side.i dont want someone to answer my thread about my twunt of a husband by telling me its only natural that he questions every time i speak to a member of the opposite sex,i dont want to hear that the reason he can be such a knob is because he loves me.

i still dont act on the advice but it makes me stronger and its a place to vent my feelings which i sometimes cant do in rl.

so in answer to op?if you want to answer threads because you have a fantastic relationship do it,its nice to get lots of different opinions.but dont say your way is the only way.

Above posters have said it all for me, nothing to add - but I'd like to read your response, OP. Do you think us recovering-finding-our-feet singletons have no advice worth heeding?

i do,i do

ie someone who has risen to the challenges of difficulties in their marriage and overcome them rather than people who have failed miserably in their relationships and are bitterly single. So the people answering are actually qualified to say how to make a relationship work because they've done it through hard work and compromise.
Did you actually mean that to be as offensive and unintelligent as it comes across?

Not all relationships can be made to work. Not all relationships should be made to work. Being able to recognise when you are in one of those relationships is a sign of maturity, being able to recognise and deal with reality, having self-respect and being strong enough to act for your children. Many, if not all, people here who have left relationships have worked on their relationships very hard. They have compromised. Who do you think you are to suggest otherwise in such a sanctimonious tone?

I think that sometimes people's personal issues at a time can cloud their advice, but it is not isolated to the 'bitterly single' (wherever those people might be) and actually your suggestion sounds more unhelpful than the current situation.

Dreamingbohemian, that's the point I was going to make.

What defines being "good at relationships"? If the answer is being still with your first love, I wouldn't say such a person is qualified to give advice to anyone in an unhappy relationship. I'd rather have advice from someone who has been in a similar situation and got through it.

eeakamouse2 when you say you have been thinking about this for a while, how long exactly do you mean? Is it, say, the time it takes a kettle to boil? to blink?

Why would a doctor who smoked and drank be less knowledgeable about healthy living than one who doesn't?

Does a non-smoker know more about smoking than a smoker?

No.

I'm Single.

I'm not bitterly single

I'm FUCKING DELIGHTED TO BE SINGLE!

If, when I was going through the hell of my previous relationship could have chosen between asking advice from a roomful of happily smug marrieds, with lifetimes of strong stable, safe relationships, or a room full of women that knew what I was going through, had been there, done that and got through it, I know which room I'd pick.

Those who have experienced 'issues' have actually WAY more to offer WRT relationship advice than those who have only ever really disagreed on which video to watch.

The only purpose the happy lot serves, for me, is to inspire and give hope to the rest of us who have fallen prey to unworthy men.

If there was a day when only those with perfect records of good relationships were allowed to post in reply to problems on relationships, tbh, no offence and all that, but it'd be a slow day on MN.

What those in trouble need is others to show them the way through, not to sit and judge as you are OP, but to say, Ach, yes, I know that well, this is what you can expect, and this is what you do about it.

As horrific as my past may be, I am so glad to be able to post to hold other's hands, to reassure and not to freak out at what they are going through.

1 in 4 (some say 1 in 3) women experience Domestic Violence/Abuse in their lifes. 2 women a week are killed by their partners. If some of us see danger signs, knowing how hard they are to spot in your own relationship due to the deceitful and slow burn creep of DV, and say GET OUT, then we may save a life. We may save children from witnessing abuse, from being abused themselves.

OP, with respect, but you come across as very shallow, judgemental and a little lightweight. If that is how you think, then you are going to be of no use to anyone on Relationships. Perhaps MN isn't the right place for you.

UA ha ha ha ha ha!

I posted for advice once under another name. Many posters advised me to leave my dh. I didn't, but it did empower me to remember that there is always another way.

And when I showed dh in black and white the similar opinions of over 50 people...well, it didn't half buck him up!

I didn't find any people in that - i'm single and bitter, so should you be, frame of mind at all....

Are you also one of these people that judges people who don't have kids as bring incompetent to offer advice to those who do?

In your line of thought should we all train as driving instructors to drive, retail planners to shop, surveyors to buy a house, and teachers to help our kids with homework?

If someone values me with their time and experience, i am always grateful. Ihope this post doesn't put people off expressing their support and knowledge....

Great post btw hissy

lovely post hissy. 'Slow burn creep of DV'. So well put.

oh yeah baby

hissy has it right

In my experience, there are two sides to every story and it's helpful when other people don't take sides. I agree with the OP that some of the language used to describe men is pretty offensive.

I also have an irrational hatred of the phrase "get rid". It's just bad grammar.

Is 'Fuck off to the far-side of Fuck' grammatically ok then, TheFarSide?

Oh dear OP!

Hissy summed it up nicely.

As an aside, I have a medical degree and if you're looking for a pristine, clean-living doctor who is the paragon of good health, good luck with that ;)

It's a bit odd OP that you say that you frequently notice advice!

Why are you looking?

Yes ... it's a proper sentence .

I think "get rid" brooks no argument and encourages no analysis and understanding. This might be appropriate in some situations, but it can be useful to understand where we are going wrong in relationships so we don't make the same mistakes again.

"Get rid" is also bossy.

That was to "tallwivglasses*.

I've had a range of advice from all sorts of people on MN. I've ended up getting some great advice and picking and choosing bits to try, some of which have been very helpful. Almost all the posts I've had on this topic are supportive in some way, if not always suitable for the specific situation. Also gives you the courage to justify saying or thinking "I could end this" which is empowering and you feel like there is support behind you and on your side.

I would say I am "qualified" to voice opinions on relationships.. I have certainly been in enough shite ones in the past, and have been in a great one now for a long time, which has had its ups and downs too.

I hate the "leave the bastard" stance that is quite often yelled at the poster who says her husband repeatedly leave the bog seat up ... but there are some threads where it is really obvious from what the Op has posted, that the situation will escalate, and getting out now may seem extreme, but some of us who have been there and had the experience can see the warning signs long before the OP.