Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Why won't he just let me be?

17 replies

honda123 · 04/11/2011 22:07

Just been out for dinner with my boyfriend, lovely evening, get home and I start to get ready for bed and he approaches me for a hug and I say 'just taking my jewellery off' he immediately huffs and storms to bed!!

Why does he over-react like this??

I just don't get it, he is constantly wanting to hug and touch me when I just need some space sometimes and he has great big over-reactions if I Dare to say not right this second. Why?

Doesn't he realise that every needy action like this pushes me away!?!?

I just can't get my head around it, I don't understand this behaviour. If I'm in the house he needs to be talking at me or touching me, why can't he just leave me be?

OP posts:

BearWith · 04/11/2011 22:12

Because to him you are His Woman, a possession, and he gets angry when you don't buy in to that mentality and want to have your own physical/mental space.
Massive red flag. Sorry :(

madonnawhore · 04/11/2011 22:15

Because he wants everything on his terms and has a huge sense of entitlement over your body.

He sounds like a childish twat.

BertieBotts · 04/11/2011 22:17

Oh. Wow. Yes that is a big overreaction. I'd also say this is a BIG red flag, sorry. Forget pushing you away - this one is big enough you should be running out that door.

The reason his behaviour is difficult to understand is probably because his thinking patterns are vastly removed from what you would expect. Like you say, if he thought normally, why would he act like this?

buzzskeleton · 04/11/2011 22:26

He'll probably say he's insecure or just loves you too much, but it's not that. It's that he thinks what he wants should come first.

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow · 05/11/2011 00:02

Yup, in his view of the world you are a functional object more than a person with her own mind and feelings. What do you mean, you don't want to hug him when he wants to hug you? Since when are teddy bears allowed to have a say in things?

aleene · 05/11/2011 00:07

Well I do think he might be insecure. I had a boyfriend like this and it is draining. How long have you been seeing him? Can you talk to him about this?

buzzskeleton · 05/11/2011 00:28

Isn't had the relevant word there, aleene ?

aleene · 05/11/2011 00:54

ha ha yes! it was an awful relationship to be honest.

LivingDead · 05/11/2011 01:05

I think childish is the operative word here. I get this from my children, inappropriate touching, constantly wanting attention, will not take no for an answer, would ask for a hug if I was knee deep in shit and warding off vampires.

Would I put up with this level of neediness from an adult? No. I don't really put up with it from them either.

carernotasaint · 05/11/2011 01:24

I had an ex like this too. If i was in another room for more than three mins like having gone into the bedroom to brush my hair he would ask what i was doing or come and find me. Its suffocating. Its very wearing too.

LisasCat · 05/11/2011 09:07

I briefly dated a man like this. I decided to be honest with him and tell him he was suffocating and I couldn't see our relationship going anywhere if it continued, at which point he did a complete 180 turn, became an absolute arse who was quite critical of stupid things (who tells someone on a 4th date, who you know did a history degree, that history is a pointless subject and a waste of tax payers money?!?!?) and behaved like a petulant little boy for the rest of the evening. 5th date was off the cards and I suggested he bought a dog. One of the really daft ones, like a chihuahua that he could carry around in a handbag.

meltedchocolate · 05/11/2011 11:25

Well is it really just for a hug? Or more? and how long have you been together?

If a long time and he just wants hugs and you always have a reason not to i would say his reaction is understandable. Maybe he feels pushed away.

If he is a new boyfriend RUN FOR THE HILLS!!!!

meltedchocolate · 05/11/2011 11:27

Though even then, I have to say. I am a huggy person. Always, as often as possible. It's how I feel cared for. I would be upset if even a new boyfriend didn't wants hugs often, but then I wouldn't date them for that reason so...

Original poster

honda123 · 05/11/2011 12:04

Thanks for all your responses

Not a new boyfriend, been together for 6 years. He has always been quite affectionate but over the last few months it seems to have gotten worse and worse with him storming off to bed or flying off the handle if I ask for some space.

I definitely relate to the suffocating comments above

OP posts:

buzzskeleton · 05/11/2011 12:08

What does he say about it in calm moments?

WailyWailyWaily · 05/11/2011 12:09

Sounds insecure to me, the more you push him away the more he will want to be as close as possible.

I think that you need to talk to him about this, as if its as bad as this it could destroy your relationship.

SolidGoldVampireBat · 05/11/2011 13:48

Hmm, well if you've been together a long time and this is a recent development then something's set it off, and you need to find out what. Pick a moment when he's not stropping and ask him about it; point out that you feel smothered and say that you need to sort out what's going on and find a way for both of you to be happy.

Flip