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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What should I do?

74 replies

dowhatyouwant · 04/11/2011 15:48

It was my husband's leaving drinks yesterday. He works in a bank in city.
He didnt come home until 11pm so I txted him ''Why work drinks is that long?'' he said "That's the rule :)" He came home at 12.40. He was very drunk and said I went somewhere in Farringdon to my question where he had been to.
Next day after close questioning he answered he went to O'Neil, APT near his office and Griffins with his colleagues. I looked up on the Interenet and Griffins is a strip pub(bar/club). I was extremely shocked and angry as he'd never been any strip club before. I remember him saying the other day '' I dont go and spend a few hundreds pounds in a strip club like everyone else at work.''

He said he was very drunk and didnt even remember he went there.
As far as I know he's never got drunk until he loses his memory. He said he relaised because he doesnt drink much these days he cant manage drinking as much as before.

Do men have sex if they go to a strip club or do they just watch lap dance? Should I get him to check STI? Actually we did check-up together the day before his leaving drinks! Should I ask him one more time?

And do most men go to a strip club like his said?

Sorry for too many questions please answer if you know any of them..

OP posts:

TheScaryJessie · 04/11/2011 15:52

I think strip clubs are lap dances, only, but I've never been to one.

I'm only answering because I didn't want you to leave you unanswered.

BlueCat2010 · 04/11/2011 15:54

Just cos he went to a strip club doesn't mean he had sex - in fact I would be suprised if he had, particularly given how drunk he was. As I understand these things they just get to look at the girls waggling their booty and stuff notes down their knickers at intervals. I think there are more intimate rooms but even them I don't think there is sex involved. Chances are he just went there cos everyone else did.

If it was me I wouldn't be checking for STI's but then again I 100% trust my DH. Do you have the same trust given that you have only recently been for tests?

mandoo · 04/11/2011 15:55

You will probably get a real mixed bag of answers on here but in my opinion most men have been in a strip club at some time or another. Some obviously more than others. Normally it's a look don't touch policy so unlikely that he had sex with anyone. If this has really bothered you then tell him your pissed off. However I wouldn't worry too much unless my DH was in there every weekend. Everyone's different about how they feel about this sort of thing though/

TheTenantOfWildfellHall · 04/11/2011 15:57

No, not all men do it. My DH doesn't, none of his friends do and my brother's never been to one.

HTH

grovel · 04/11/2011 15:58

I'm sure BlueCat is right. Over the years DH has felt he couldn't get out of going to these places a few times (guest of visiting foreign clients etc). Drinking and strippers. No sex.

manicbmc · 04/11/2011 15:58

You do check ups for STIs? Are you swingers or something or do you just really not trust each other?

Original poster

dowhatyouwant · 04/11/2011 15:59

We did tests only because I wanted to make sure we were sexually healthy. There have been no sympotoms. I am sure we were only sex partners each other for the last 5 years.

OP posts:

makachu · 04/11/2011 16:01

Men don't generally have sex at strip clubs...they don't always even go as far as getting lap dances...I think that's an optional extra that you have to pay money for. Whether or not you're ok with it is up to you to decide. It's possible that he was very drunk and just sort of ended up swept along with things, or he might have initiated the whole sordid little excursion, which to me would be a different matter. I think it's a bit odd to expect him back from leaving drinks before midnight. 12.40 is quite early for me unless he promised to be back for a certain time. He's allowed to have fun outside of the home. In a strip bar though, I'm not so sure. I think if it were me I'd be putting my foot down, saying never again, and letting him know about my disappointment. He'd also bloody well have to work hard to prove his undying love for and devotion to me.

manicbmc · 04/11/2011 16:01

Then why do a test if you have been together that long and are faithful to each other?

NellyMelba · 04/11/2011 16:02

jesus, if someone questioned me like that after a night out, they would have my bootprint on their backside

how controlling and awful you are OP

Original poster

dowhatyouwant · 04/11/2011 16:05

What I think it's strange is he never gets drunk and loses his memory. Any possibility he drank an alcohol someone put drugs on it?

OP posts:

TheScaryJessie · 04/11/2011 16:05

Um, can we be nice? I actually think taking routine STI tests is a very healthy, responsible thing to do, and it shouldn't be seen as mistrusting one's partner.

When you have sex with your partner, even if he, she, sie [insert other pronoun of choice] is faithful, you are also having sex with all the people they have ever had sex with, and who they had sex with. Etc. STI's get around.

manicbmc · 04/11/2011 16:06

I'd say selective memory as he knew he was going to get grilled about this.

fedupandtired · 04/11/2011 16:07

So, he went to a strip club and oogled at naked women. I don't actually see the big deal and I can't see why you think, just 'cause he went there, that he'll have been unfaithful. Maybe he didn't want to go but felt pressured into it by his work collegues. He wouldn't have been the first one to have gone because of peer pressure.

I've been happily married for 13 years and with my DH for nearly 19 years. Last year I went to a hen night at a lap dancing club and watched male strippers. Had a great laugh. Did my DH worry that I'd been unfaithful or feel threatened by it? No, because he saw it for what it was - a group of women having a laugh.

manicbmc · 04/11/2011 16:08

Within a faithful, trusting and normal relationship at the beginning I can see the point - get the all clear etc but if you've been together for 5 years then no.

If my partner expected me to take sti tests I'd be questioning why I was with him.

pictish · 04/11/2011 16:08

Ach look...he probably just tagged along as he was pissed, having a good time and everyone else was going.
The selective memory will be because he suspected you'd get the nip at him about it.
Most likely he would have eyeballed a stripper or two.

Doesn't sound like you have a ramapaging pervert on your hands, so I wouldn't worry any further about it.

RealityIsADistantMemory · 04/11/2011 16:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pictish · 04/11/2011 16:15

Easy money!

TheScaryJessie · 04/11/2011 16:17

Well, I kind of have a personal agenda here, because I seem to constantly be hearing about people who discover they've been infected with something a couple of relationships later during NHS antenatal testing, so I'm in a I-don't-care-if-you've-been-faithful-for-two-centuries-get-tested mood here.

Everyone seems to take the idea of sti testing so personally.

FredFredGeorge · 04/11/2011 16:18

He probably just got drunk quicker than he still mentally thinks he should because he's now drinking so much less often his physical tolerance is much less than what he mentally thinks - and what he finds himself following along in a rounds system.

He almost certainly ended up purely in the strip club because he was drunk, didn't want the night to end already and everyone else was going there.

I would imagine a very small minority of men who live in a city with them have never been in a strip club (certain occasions are "expected", just like most women will have seen a male stripper at some occasion), but I would also imagine only a very small minority attend regularly, however certain male city jobs do tend to have a higher proportion of that minority than average so depending on his career I wouldn't be too surprised. In my rather limited experience a lot of the men who go do nothing but carry on drinking and chatting whilst the desperate lonely interested few ogle (I fell asleep once and was asked to leave, it wasn't good for business I think)

DandyLioness · 04/11/2011 16:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

manicbmc · 04/11/2011 16:28

Yes, scaryJ I get that. And I think it's a reasonable thing to do at the beginning of a long term relationship before you consider not using condoms.

I just think 5 years into a relationship is odd unless there are issues with unfaithfulness.

Original poster

dowhatyouwant · 04/11/2011 16:50

Why I did a test is you never know although I trusted my husband he didnt have sex with anyone else.

OP posts:

EricNorthmansMistress · 04/11/2011 17:15

If I suspected my partner had had sex with a sex worker, my first question would not be 'should I make him have an STI test'...that presupposes that we would be having sex with each other again at some point in the future. Honestly, do you really believe he had sex with a prostitute? Really?

Original poster

dowhatyouwant · 04/11/2011 17:16

Also yeah I miseed checkup when I stared being a relationship. So I wanted to do it now hoping it's not too late as he doesnt use comdoms

OP posts:

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