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Original poster

37 weeks preg & no libido - but DH thinks I should still be satisfying him

70 replies

scunnereddotcom · 04/11/2011 12:28

I'm 37 weeks pregnant. Up till now, me and DH have had fairly regular sex - it's not always been easy, or enjoyable (due to my hip and back pain), but I've felt it important to keep going. But in the last few days, I've lost my sex drive. I still want to kiss and cuddle with DH, but don't want to have sex, and feel uncomfortable about him touching me anywhere intimate, and I'm not keen on intimately touching him either. It's probably a combination of factors - I'm absolutely exhausted, and my body seems to be gearing up for birth etc, hence I'm feeling weird about my breasts being sexual objects (because I'll be using them to feed our son). Plus, we've been arguing a lot, and that makes me feel low and affects my sex drive too. And lastly, I've had SPD since 10 weeks pregnant, discomfort is now so bad I'm about to get crutches, but I feel I've manfully struggled on through the pain to allow us to have an active sex-life up till now (usually a couple of times a week).
Last couple of evenings I've just want to kiss/cuddle and nothing else, and I've told DH that I probably wasn't up for it at the moment and maybe we could just focus on being physically close without sex until after the baby is born. Last night, he gave me a back rub (which was very nice & much appreciated, I was really aching) then gets all huffy because I wont do anything for him. He said I should be thinking of his needs, and giving him a rub to get him off. I said I really didn't want to do that - I might as well be anyone, and anyway I don't feel comfortable with doing it at the moment (and I talked to him again about all my reasons). He got very angry and dramatic, declaring that sex was now dead in our marriage because I wont make any effort at all, but don't worry he'd have to deal with it because he had no choice. I feel he's pressuring me, not in a nice way, and being supremely unsympathetic to my situation and feelings, while he thinks I'm being selfish and "me-me-me". I feel he's done little as it is to support me in my pregnancy. Does anyone have a different view, that I really ought to be making the effort to see to his needs for the next couple of weeks, regardless of how it makes me feel?

OP posts:

Iscreamtea · 04/11/2011 12:31

is he normally so selfish and horrible? Bad news for him is that it could be a long while before you feel up for it again so he'd better get his head round it.

RealityIsADistantMemory · 04/11/2011 12:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LittlePickleHead · 04/11/2011 12:35

You should never have to ANYTHING sexually that you don't want to do, ever.
He is being a twat, I'm not surprised you are not up for it at all, like you say you are gearing up for birth.
Hmm sorry I'm not sure what advice to give, but the fact you say he hasn't done much to support you during pregnancy is a little worrying. He seems to be acting very entitled...

catherinea1971 · 04/11/2011 12:40

He is being a very very selfish bastard....
What is he like normally about everyday stuff, does he like everything to be on his terms?

It's not uncommon for men to feel left out of things during and after pregnancy but bloody hell he is acting like a small child!!
I wasn't up for much sex during my last pregnancy, had spd too and although my dh wanted it, he wasn't DEMANDING it!!

It's your body, you don't feel very sexual right now which is quite understandable he needs to understand that!!

Proudnscary · 04/11/2011 12:44

OP, I didn't have sex during either pregnancy simply because I did not feel like it AT ALL (and had bleeding episodes so was - probably needlessly - anxious). My dh was completely understanding.
If we don't have sex for a couple of weeks in 'normal times' it can become an issue but never, ever has he pressured me in this way. Ever.
What is your h like in other ways? I'm sorry to say this but I suspec this isn't the only area in which he ignores your feelings and bulldozes you.

WardrobeYeti · 04/11/2011 12:47

You say he's done as little as possible to support you through the pregnancy- do you have any ideas why? Because that is rotten and combined with his sulking paints him as extremely self-involved. His hissy fit makes him sound dramatic and me-me-me. What about you- the one carrying the baby and with the medical issues and impending birth? YOU deserve far better treatment, but he's acting like a martyr because he isn't getting his orgasm this one time.

TechnoViking · 04/11/2011 12:50

He's a selfish arsehole.

Original poster

scunnereddotcom · 04/11/2011 12:53

Thanks for your replies everyone - after a morning of quietly boiling away but with a little niggling voice saying "maybe he is right", I now feel quite vindicated in my extreme annoyance! Those of you who've asked if he's like this out of the bedroom are probably right - although I'm usually pretty good at not letting myself be bulldozed. Have now decided I'm striking over the weekend - will be sitting with my feet up instead of running around doing housework as I usually end up doing. And if I have to go to my mum's to get looked after properly, that's what I'll do.

OP posts:

Lookattheears · 04/11/2011 12:56

God, he's vile. How anyone would want to have sex with someone like that is beyond me, but there you go.

I hope to god he's not one of those pricks that doesn't want his wife to breastfeed because her breasts are " his", either.

babyhammock · 04/11/2011 12:57

Is he always such a knob?
What have you been arguing about?
FWIW this is how my ex carried on when I was pregnant except he didn't want sex (bump turned him off apparently) just for me to sort him out

NatashaBee · 04/11/2011 13:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tabulahrasa · 04/11/2011 13:00

I can't believe you even considered for a second that he might be right...

You're right, absolutely - if you don't want to, you don't want to, you don't even need to justify it, even if you weren't about to give birth and in pain from SPD, you have no obligation to do anything sexual that you don't feel like doing

CailinDana · 04/11/2011 13:09

You are full term and could give birth at any moment and he's expecting you to "service" him??? What an absolute cunt. Seriously. At that stage of my pregnancy (and long before it in fact) my DH was treating me like a china doll, telling me to sit down, running around after me, putting me to bed and bringing me food. You need to have a talk with him about this because believe me once the baby is born things aren't going to get much better. If you have stitches or a C section, or even if you don't, you won't be up for it for at least a few weeks, if not a few months. He should be supporting you as much as he can, helping you to relax and putting your mind at ease, not behaving like a horny teenager on a strop. And are you seriously still doing housework with severe SPD?? Are you bloody mad? He should be doing just about the entirety of housework at the moment while you rest up and prepare for labour. Give him swift kick up the arse.

rabbitfeet · 04/11/2011 13:23

Why can't he just have a wank and leave you alone? Why does it have to be you going to the effort? He sounds like a twat! Tell him to f off!

tefal · 04/11/2011 13:41

Ask him to read this thread. That should get him to wind his neck in. How horrible that he put you in that position.

harassedandherbug · 04/11/2011 13:47

I'm 33 wks preg and also have spd. Been on crutches for about 10 weeks now. They do really help, but are a bloody nuisance quite frankly!

This isn't our first and I'm normally well up for it whilst preg, but not really at the moment. I do make the effort (agree it leaves you in pain!) as much for me as dh, and he's ridiculously pleased and that makes me feel good and more likely to do it again! He's staying away from my boobs - his choice, he's worried they'll leak (you might want to mention that to your dh!).

I think your dh is being a bit of twat tbh. You don't have to have sex whether you're heavily preg or not!! Not sure how a quick back rub needs "paying for" with a wank.... tell him to do it himself.

TheOriginalFAB · 04/11/2011 13:54

He is frustrated and disappointed and therefore a tad stroppy. There are ways of getting your point across without making you feel like a breathing sex toy. He needs to think very carefully about what he has said and should be coming home with chocolate, flowers, dinner, magazines and a big apology.

Lookattheears · 04/11/2011 13:56

Do some men really get squeamish about milky breasts? Oh good grief!

Original poster

scunnereddotcom · 04/11/2011 14:06

Fab - I so hope you are right!!!!!! Could go some Celebrations while I'm sitting on the sofa on strike all weekend. However, I should point out that although he may be frustrated, it's been less than a week since we actually last had sex, so it's not as if been "suffering" for weeks, it's a matter of days ffs. He's not my fav person right now. Will be having a stern word when he gets home, and perhaps give him a shopping list on ice-cream, millionaire's shortbread and snowballs.

OP posts:

VeryLittleGravitas · 04/11/2011 14:20

I disagree FAB

He sounds like a massively over-entitled wanker, who's having a hissyfit because OP refuses to service his cock.

OP, why on earth would you want to sleep with someone who values his own orgasm over your fatigue and discomfort? You're in pain FFS.

Squitten · 04/11/2011 14:24

Fuck that!

When I was pregnant my libido tanked massively. We didn't dtd from about 6mths pregnant until DS2 was about 8mths old! DH wasn't happy about it but he had zero choice and he dealt with it!

Men who don't have sex do not, in fact, die. Despite what they may think

otchayaniye · 04/11/2011 14:26

after the birth of my first child i really went off sex. months and months went by and it was hard to get in the mood and pick the moment.

plus i breastfed and co-slept and was in the baby bubble for more than two ayears

my husband didn't once complain (although i moaned!)

you don't wither away and die from lack of regular sex. it's not something to feel entitled to. for manyu parents regular sex is just on the back burner while they are so little. doesn't mean the end of affection, sharing and intimacy.

a really good man understands, or tries to understand, the apocalypse, mentally and physically, having a baby can wreak.

i've been on both sides, as i'm really into it when pregnant...husband more diffident.

otchayaniye · 04/11/2011 14:27

can he not wank?

pollyblue · 04/11/2011 14:27

You're in pain and about to give birth. If those aren't good enough reasons to get you out of "servicing" him for a while (and he's not been going short up til now has he?) I don't know what would be.......How is he going to cope post-birth, when you might be out of action for a few weeks?

He sounds a right charmer.

MajorBOO · 04/11/2011 15:00

Tell him you were wrong, and you're very sorry you've been neglecting him and that tonight's the night you're going to make it up to him.

Ask him to strip off, lay on the bed and close his eyes, then repeatedly hit his cock with a baseball bat until he's begging for mercy, then demand your conjugal rights, and when he (undoubtably) says he's not up for it, sit on his face and tell him to make you come that way.

If that sounds a bit unreasonable be reassured that you're in the right. There's no way you'd do my suggestion to him (though you may be tempted ) so he shouldn't be doing the same to you - though you could always suggest it as an option if he persists on being a whinney twat.

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