should i leave him?

[stonebirds]

I've been married for 11 years and have 3 children.

I'm not happy with the way things are but at the same time am too scared to end things.

When my husband's at home things are often tense and unpleasant. My older 2 children don't want him around at all. They are 8 and 9. I can see my son suffering because he's desperate for his dad's approval but most of the time he tells him off. For example, my son loves building dens in the living room. If my husband comes home and sees it, he will make him feel like he's committed the crime of the century and rants and raves about the mess very aggressively. He's always criticising me in front of the kids. He doesn't think twice about getting in a mood and slamming doors or chucking things in front of them.
He's literally always at work. He says he has to work long hours. But it means I do everything re kids and home. He sleeps on the sofa because he says he needs the tv to sleep. Life is just no fun with him. If we go out and I talk to a friend he sulks. There's lots more but I don't want to go on too much.

But as he's often not around I just carry on. I am worried about leaving as i'll have no money and may have to leave our house. Also, it would probably destroy him emotionally and i do care about him. It seems easier to stay.

I just don't know .

It sounds bloody awful and you would be much better off, all of you, without a sulky abusive bully in the house. He's aggressive to the DC, intimidating to you and doesn't appear to be contributing anything apart from money to your family life. If you get rid of him he will still have to contribute financially but you won't have the stress of living with him and tiptoeing round his ego and bad temper.
It is likely that you will get to stay in the house with the DC and he will have to leave, so I suggest having a chat with Women's Aid (because he is abusive, aggression, bullying, throwing things and shouting at you all is NOT acceptable behaviour) or the CAB and finding out what your position would be if you tell him to leave. If you are afraid of him attacking you or the DC, talk to the local police Domestic Violence unit who may be able to send officers round to support you when you tell him to go.

what sgb said

I wouldn't end it immediately

but I would get all my ducks lined up, then tell him concisely it is over

you need to protect your dc from living 24/7 with an abusive arsehole like this

Has he always been like this or is it a more recent thing?

He sounds like a right stress bunny. Work related? is the company facing difficulties? job security?

It sounds like misery. You certainly sound unhappy and so does he. What happens if you try to talk to him? If he's always at work or in front of the telly it sounds as if he knows on some level how bad things are and is burying his head in the sand. He does sound scared of losing you - the sulking while you talk to someone else is telling. Does he respond if you say you don't want to live like this?

I don't think you should have to put up with this behaviour and I don't think the time has come to leave, personally. But I don't have to live your life.

My older 2 children don't want him around at all.

Listen to your children.

And read the links at the start of this thread

have you actually tried to talk to him about how sad it makes you feel and how it affects the children?

presumably he wasnt like this when you got together so obviously something isnt right in his world. Maybe it would be a sign of a strong and commmitted relationship to try and improve things before you start with the "leave the bastard" thoughts

Stonebirds

What keeps you within this, why are you too scared to end things?. What are you scared of?. What are you getting out of this relationship now?.

Your children are telling you loud and clear they don't want their Dad around; what do you want them to think of you when they are adults?. They will not thank you for staying with such a man if you were to choose to and could well end up blaming you for being too weak or at the very least accusing you of putting him before them.

What are you both teaching these children about relationships here?. What about your own lessons that you are imparting to them?. Is this misery what you want them to remember about their own childhoods?.

Can you talk to him, OP, or does he refuse to have adiscussion with you?

He sounds stressed out from work but that doesn't mean he can take it out on you and the dc at home.

When he comes in from work, does he bring a heavy, dark cloud to the home's atmosphere?

why will you have no money?
they at school so you could work right?

If he does, then it means you are all tiptoeing around and he is at the centre of it.

Thanks for everyone?s replies and sorry I?ve taken so long to answer ? I wanted to have time to do it properly.
The two sides of the argument are pulling me in different ways which is why I haven?t left yet.
On one hand I agree with NellyMelba that I don?t want to teach my kids to walk away from a marriage when things are a bit tough and I know I made a commitment to him when we got married. And separating will result in other problems such as lack of money and them seeing him really down which isn?t ideal.
But on the other side, I don?t want them to think that it?s ok for them to be treated in this way. For example, we went on holiday this summer and the first week was horrendous and I did think then I should definitely leave him. He slapped my daughter in the face just because he thought she looked cheeky and then cried in front of her telling her he was sorry and so she cried to me later about this. It?s the second time he?s done that. And my son fell off his chair because he?d been swinging on it and instead of asking if he was ok he shouted at him saying he?d told him not to do it and then upturned the chair again so that he fell off. This was in front of all his family so that my son was totally humiliated. But then the second week he relaxed and we had quite a nice time. But always on his terms. Whereas other dads will encourage and spend time with their sons, he?s the total opposite with our son. He can?t do anything right in DH's eyes and DS runs to his room crying half the time. He doesn?t want to spend any time alone with him.
This has been going on for quite a while. I know a lot of it is stress but how long should I make excuses for it?
He?s not like this all the time. He?s lovely with our 3 year old but I think that?s because she doesn?t answer back.
If I talk to him, he either listens and tries for a while or gets angry with me and tells me I think I know everything. He?s been on a parenting course which didn?t work for long. I try to get him to read books and he refuses. He thinks I?m mad for reading parenting books. I suggested he make time to come home early to spend time with our son. I told him how much he needs him and how important he is in his life. But he hasn?t done it. He goes fishing sometimes and I said why don?t you take DS ? apparently it?s not a suitable environment for him.
Bellsring ? when he comes home ? it depends what mood he?s in. If there?s any mess he will go off on one. He can be nice and relaxed or just grumpy. But a lot of the time we are tiptoeing around.
Cestlavie ? my youngest won?t start fulltime school till September. But I agree I could work. I won?t earn that much though.
The thing is I love my home, neighbours, life apart from this. I?m worried what will be round the corner if I split with him. I?m not that hotheaded so I have to really build up to a decision like this. And I always think of reasons to put it off ? for example, till my youngest starts reception and I can work. And as he?s not around a lot of the time, I forget about it and carry on until the next incident.
I could give him until September and maybe make a list of ways in which I want him to change. What does everyone think? But I keep coming back to the way he treats DS. I?m not convinced that will change.

Stonebirds the man is a controlling bastard.

He slapped your daughter in the face

I'm too cross now to write any more.

Best leave it to the experts.

Can I first just say I'm not usually in the 'leave the bastard' camp.

But I'd have been gone at the point when he slapped one child and tipped another off his chair. You need to get your children away from him.

You need to do something before he damages your children for good. Yes, marriage can have its tough times, but it doesn't mean that you and your children have to put up with abuse. Whilst your DH is there, he's teaching your children that this is how adult relationships work. If he goes, or you go, there are benefits that you can live on and you won't be without. There are always ways and means. I'd advise squirrelling away some money and making sure you have any important documents to hand and make a plan.

Hi Stonebird. If you need to build up to doing something that's fine. But you know you have to do it don't you? This man is a self centred bully who hits your children and humiliates them. Lots of people suffer stress in their lives without taking it out on other people, especially children.

You will be teaching your children far far worse things if you stay with this man than if you leave. I think that, particularly when you bear in mind that at 8 and 9 they already don't want him around, they are going to thank you in time to come for getting this abusive man out of their lives. What you have described in your last post is absolutely horrific, and if you're seeking perspective-it would have had me running for the door the first moment he raised his hand to your child/children, let alone all the shouting and aggression.

Why don't you quietly take yourself off to see a solicitor, find out what you're entitled to and find out how you go about it all. Free your children and yourself from this utter torture. Nothing on the "outside" is as bad as you think, certainly not as bad as living with this pig must be.

sorry stonebirds

oh, and you're right about him being good with the little one because she doesn't answer back. Her turn will come

Bloody hell OP get a grip.

Your DP is abusing your DC's and you are unsure wheither to leave or not.

If l had seen your DD slapped like that -and not for the first time-- l would have called social services on the paiR of you.
Your DP for the assault and YOU for condoning it.

SHAME ON YOU FOR NOT PROTECTING YOUR DC'S...

Stonebirds,

Talking to such a man won't work because he won't listen but will likely shout you down instead.

He has now slapped your DD twice and continues to mistreat you all. Your 3 year old escapes currently purely because she is not old enough to answer back.

You are by turn allowing your children to be abused by their Dad here; you condone it. Sorry but you are allowing this currently.

If you want a relationship with your children as adults then you need to all get away from your H now. Make plans to leave him, line up all your ducks in a row first off because such men do not let go of their victims easily.

I'll tell you something else about the children as well. Your children as adults won't thank you for staying with such a man and could as adults rightly accuse you of putting him before them and or being too weak to leave. This could well happen even if they bother to speak to you by then and not completely despise you. Is that what you ultimately want?.

Look again at what you have written below. You have become completely conditioned to being abused, all your words indicate as much.

"Cestlavie ? my youngest won?t start fulltime school till September. But I agree I could work. I won?t earn that much though
"The thing is I love my home, neighbours, life apart from this. I?m worried what will be round the corner if I split with him. I?m not that hotheaded so I have to really build up to a decision like this. And I always think of reasons to put it off ? for example, till my youngest starts reception and I can work. And as he?s not around a lot of the time, I forget about it and carry on until the next incident".

Stop making excuses for either yourself or your H. He is of no consequence here.

Do you really want to live within a broken home/family unit because its already fractured now. A house physically is but bricks and mortar.

What will it take for you to actually leave; hasn't he caused enough damage to you all already?. Your last sentence within this is precisely why he has been allowed to continue; you've allowed him to - and also because he can.

Re this comment also:-
"I could give him until September and maybe make a list of ways in which I want him to change. What does everyone think? But I keep coming back to the way he treats DS. I?m not convinced that will change".

No he won't change; he will only become even more abusive towards you all. Stonebirds next September is far too bloody late; he will further destroy you all by then. Your DS and DD are being emotionally abused at his hands.

You did not answer my question put to you earlier either which is what do you get out of this relationship now?.

You have a choice re this man - your children do not.

Stonebirds

re your comment:-
"On one hand I agree with NellyMelba that I don?t want to teach my kids to walk away from a marriage when things are a bit tough and I know I made a commitment to him when we got married. And separating will result in other problems such as lack of money and them seeing him really down which isn?t ideal".

Why do you have such a sense of responsibility for this man?. He is ultimately responsible for his own actions. And as for "seeing him really down" again not your issue to take ownership of. I just wonder where that mindset has come from.

He has done a real number on you to get you to this low point. Things within your home are more than a bit tough; the abuse towards you and the children is happening right under your nose. You did make a commitment to him on marriage but he's trodden on your marriage and has basically told you where to shove it. He regards you all as possessions for him to abuse and mistreat which is precisely what he is doing.

There is financial help out there for you but you have to take the first and hardest step to seek outside help in getting this man away from you.

The more I write and the more I read of your comments the more I think this is something I should have done a lot earlier.

Has anyone else been in this situation? I don't know how to actually leave. He would need to leave because I've got animals here I need to look after and schools nearby. But what if he refuses to?

I need to save up a bit of money and get myself prepared first. I feel very scared.

stonebirds,

Womens Aid could certainly help you here as would a solicitor.

Some solicitors do a free 30 minute consult; I would urge you to make that call to WA and see a solicitor asap. The law won't allow him to have the option of refusing to leave. You can get him out of your day to day lives; he has no right to be in your day to day lives now. It is scary yes but feel the fear and do it anyway. Anyway with him around aren't you scared now?.

You have a choice re him, your children do not. If you don't act for yourself primarily then do so for them before they go onto fully despise and or blame you also for their childhood misery by not having the guts within you to actually leave. Citing reasons such as the house, schools, animals, neighbours, lifestyle; none of that will cut it with these young people.

How are things today Stonebirds?

He sounds like my Dad, when I was young. Yes, my Dad has smacked me, over changing the channel when test cricket was on, apparently it was an exciting finish. Dad had his own business, and always worked 6 or 7 days a week.

He has mellowed with age. Mum and Dad are still together, and he loves us all, I would say they are quite happy today, and are off to Singapore, Australia and New Zealand next month for holiday of a lifetime. They have been married 40 years.

There was a time when mum would regularly scream, shout, coerce, manipulate, walk out etc. on my Dad.

Not much help sorry.