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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

should i leave him?

49 replies

stonebirds · 03/11/2011 23:37

I've been married for 11 years and have 3 children.

I'm not happy with the way things are but at the same time am too scared to end things.

When my husband's at home things are often tense and unpleasant. My older 2 children don't want him around at all. They are 8 and 9. I can see my son suffering because he's desperate for his dad's approval but most of the time he tells him off. For example, my son loves building dens in the living room. If my husband comes home and sees it, he will make him feel like he's committed the crime of the century and rants and raves about the mess very aggressively. He's always criticising me in front of the kids. He doesn't think twice about getting in a mood and slamming doors or chucking things in front of them.
He's literally always at work. He says he has to work long hours. But it means I do everything re kids and home. He sleeps on the sofa because he says he needs the tv to sleep. Life is just no fun with him. If we go out and I talk to a friend he sulks. There's lots more but I don't want to go on too much.

But as he's often not around I just carry on. I am worried about leaving as i'll have no money and may have to leave our house. Also, it would probably destroy him emotionally and i do care about him. It seems easier to stay.

I just don't know .

OP posts:

PeppermintPasty · 09/11/2011 11:48

But did he ever slap you in the face oohlaalaa for looking "cheeky"? Did he ever push your chair over deliberately? Did you read Stonebirds last long post? My parents were sometimes a bit free with the smacks, but this sounds like a totally different thing to me.

oohlaalaa · 09/11/2011 12:19

PerppermintPasty - he was v difficult, and has never been a particularly caring person, Dad cannot talk about emotions, he shuts down.

I do recall me brothers and mum getting into the car one night, after a particularly nasty argument, and staying with grandparents. He's mellowed.

lemonstartree · 09/11/2011 14:27

YHM

springydaffs · 09/11/2011 15:35

First of all, give Womens Aid a call 0808 2000 247. They will listen and let you talk about what you are facing, as well as talk things through with you - they aren't just an information service (though they are exceptionally good at practical support and info too).

You are in an abusive relationship OP - I know that's hard to face but if you can't face it for you then face it for your children - you need to get them away from this bully. YOu say that if you leave the marriage the children will have to see him sad, but better he's sad than all of you (plus imo he deserves it and your children don't). A lot of abusers keep you hooked in by getting you to feel sorry for them btw.

womens Aid will give you the practical advice and support you need - re it is likely you will keep the family home at least until the youngest child is 18. They will point you in the direction of relevant legal services who can give you advice about what to do next. I think you're wise to work out a plan and tbh I think you do need to in this situation.

Have a look at the Womens Aid website too - lots of info which you will find relevant; also lots of stories from women who got away from their abusive partners.

Good luck sweetie - lots of us have done it and got through to the other side xx

springydaffs · 09/11/2011 15:38

oh! and do the Freedom Programme - one near you - classes over 12 weeks where you will look at the strategies of abusers, as well as meet other women who are in the same position as you.

cestlavielife · 09/11/2011 15:43

he has to want to change. no point in giving him a list. if he doesnt immediately apologise for the things he does, he doesnt think they are wrong. at all.

i decided to leaave with Dc in the february (as he refused to go) - i moved out in the april . it ook time to arrange things etc.

begin planning.

for a better life.

oh and he will be sad?
well HIS problem neither you nor Dc will be responsible for how he deals wth the reality - yes he might need support but up to him to find it.

up to you to find your support.

cestlavielife · 09/11/2011 15:45

"He slapped my daughter in the face just because he thought she looked cheeky and then cried in front of her telling her he was sorry and so she cried to me later about this. It?s the second time he?s done that. And my son fell off his chair because he?d been swinging on it and instead of asking if he was ok he shouted at him saying he?d told him not to do it and then upturned the chair again so that he fell off.2

awful awful - and reminds me of my BIL - ugh...i need to talk to my sis....

Original poster

stonebirds · 09/11/2011 21:37

Hi,
I've started making plans but I feel like a real traitor. Especially as he's been relatively nice recently.
I'm a bit reluctant to phone Women's Aid because it doesn't seem like the abuse they talk about on the website. I mean he's not really violent but he doesn't know how to handle his stress/anger.
I asked both the older kids if they'd prefer if Daddy lived with us or not and they both said not.
I'm going to find a solicitor to talk to.
He might become a better father if he's not living here and actually has to make an effort when he sees them.

OP posts:

Doha · 09/11/2011 22:03

any physical assault is abuse.

HE ABUSED YOUR DAUGHTER. HOW MUCH PLAINER CAN WE MAKE THIS FOR YOU. HE IS A VIOLENT THUG.

END OF--NO EXCUSES.

fuzzynavel · 09/11/2011 22:19

Oh Stonebirds why do you feel like a traitor? He's the traitor.

Even your children are saying they want him gone. Jesus christ how bad does it have get.

He abuses ALL of you.

You ARE letting him do this.

He will never become a better father, never ever. The man should never be let near them again in my book.

How could you let him abuse them?

If you won't call womens aid then call ruddy childline and see what they have to say about it then!

I want to come to you house and take the children from you myself, what he is doing that that damn bad and YOU are letting him.

Everyone on here will help you get away from him, you will get more support that you ever thought was out there.

People are getting very very cross because he is abusing the kids and you aren't doing anything about it.

cestlavielife · 09/11/2011 22:22

He slapped your dd fo no reason other than how she was looking
he amde your ds fall off a chair.
that is violence enough

foolonthehill · 09/11/2011 22:36

stonebirds you could be me posting 6 or so weeks ago. Confused, unhappy, controlled with children who are suffering both from direct emotional and verbal abuse and indirect and i don't even want to think about the physical intimidation. I know it is hard to see, i know you care for him and that you are conditioned to put his needs before your own...but you and your DCs really, really matter.

No-one can tell you what to do, but you need to assess what's going on for yourself and then we can and will help you carry through what you decide.What fuzzy said is right you will get more support than you ever thought was out there.

please read some of the links HERE I particularly found Lundy Bancrofts book illuminating (Painfully so)

2 weeks and 3 days ago I had the most difficult discussion of my life, with a safety plan in place, and someone there to support me: I told him he must go, and if he didn't I was fully prepared to go myself. Now I can say with all honesty my 2 eldest children have been transformed, in such a short time, the 2 youngest have been fine. Don't be scared of what you will find out, look and see and make one decision at a time. ask for help...we're here

springydaffs · 10/11/2011 00:17

I know that from my experience I only realised how bad he actually was once I'd left him - and I left because my life was unbearable but I thought, aided and abetted by him, that most of it was my fault. Like I said, it was only after I left him - and wow, what a transformation!! - that I slowly began to realise he was the baddy, not me.

Those of us who have been through it recognise the signs when we hear/read about it. You'll get there sweetheart. So many of us have. Keep posting xx

foolonthehill · 10/11/2011 09:45

Hope thursday is ok for you

spicy1 · 10/11/2011 11:17

Sounds like he has major issues,are the family finances ok or is he hiding something from you?

chubbasmum · 10/11/2011 12:48

OP its not a good environment for bringing up kids my dad was like that we never knew what mood he would be when he came home from work sundays were the worst he would be at home the whole bloody day sulking always in a good mood when we had visitors, my exh had the same attitude and i refused to put up with it for my daughter`s sake and when he decided to leave i could have kissed him it was a case of good riddence of bad rubbish - he worked long hours ,hardworker i give him that but we never saw thw money the pub and gambling machines did

foolonthehill · 10/11/2011 13:16

The DCs and you deserve respect, love and safety.....keep going stonebirds

Original poster

stonebirds · 10/11/2011 21:21

spicy1 - family finances are fine - but he's working long hours and is stressed from work.

chubbasmum - what you write really interests me because my kids are exactly the same as you were - my husband is only really home on Sundays like your dad was and it's the worst day for all of us. The kids are always really relieved if they wake up and find he's not there and disappointed when he is.
How do you feel about your dad now? Did your parents stay together?

Thanks to everyone for your support.

OP posts:

foolonthehill · 11/11/2011 14:17

keep posting stone there are people around the relationships board who are much wiser than me, and who have been through and come out of the mess. Happy that you are talking, thinking and planning.

chubbasmum · 11/11/2011 20:52

Hi Stonebirds unfortunately i left home aged 19 and he was diagnosed with a heart condition we got on better away from each other he rang me up every week and oneday he said you will always be my baby girl thats the moment i forgave him, went to see him after 10 years i had never seen my dad cry before and he died a month later and im the one left with the guilt of living home, im in tears just by reliving it all. My mum knew what he was like tried to send us to holiday camps day events and just little outings to make our lives bereable she was old fashioned and stayed with him. Its hard for me as a single mum but i felt it was better for my daughter to stay in a home where she didnt have to tread on egg shells and being shouted at all the time.

I hope my experience will help you and the kids i just feel its good to talk about these things to avoid kids being messed up mentally in a few years to come

Original poster

stonebirds · 11/11/2011 20:59

That's very very sad chubbasmum - you've got me in tears now. Thanks for sharing - sorry if it's brought up bad memories for you.
It's definitely the kids that really matter. x

OP posts:

chubbasmum · 12/11/2011 20:26

Thank you Stonebirds wish you all the best xx

mycherubs · 12/11/2011 23:50

so he works long hours and is always very stressed, he doesnt handle stress very well and is moody and aggressive. is the man depressed and feeling the burden of having so many people financially dependant on him. do you talk as a married couple or are you living as two separate people - it sounds like there is you and the children and then him on the other side. aside from anything else this is very polluting for the children who know little of the pressures of life

pickgo · 13/11/2011 01:18

My dad was like this too - the random violence. One day I was sat eating my breakfast when he walked past and pulled my pony tail really hard. Another he dragged my brother up the stairs by his hair.

I feel very angry when I think about these things and they do quite regularly come back to me. Even now I often feel anxious when I brush my teeth in the morning and eventually I worked out the association it has with being shouted at to get ready for school as a child - I mean really aggressively. I don't see my dad now - not for 10 years.

I think you must split up with him OP, for all your sakes. And don't be worried about being on your own. Once you've adjusted you'll get used to it and start to relax and enjoy life again. It's such a pleasure to see your children happy as they should be. Make your plans and get him to go soon. Good luck.

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