Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Tips for getting confessions

65 replies

Milehighprivateeye · 03/11/2011 14:15

(name changed) My DH has admitted to one EA including internet plus meeting up, apparently no sex; plus secret meetings with others. He's only admitted to what I've found out myself and under pressure (over weeks) has added details when I've really pressed him. Does anyone have tips for getting him to own up to previous affairs? He says I know everything now but I don't believe that. All my suspicions have been correct and I can't believe that I have a 100% track-down rate. I think I'd feel a bit better if he confessed voluntarily to past indiscretions. Also, I'm inclined against contacting OW that I suspect but very tempted. Any opinions?

OP posts:
buzzskeleton · 03/11/2011 14:21

Isn't what you already know enough? What outcome do you want?

I doubt his story about no sex is true, btw.

If he confessed everything, how would you ever know for sure he had? Can you ever trust him again? Do you want to?

Original poster
Milehighprivateeye · 03/11/2011 14:31

He says that it's all been in past few months but I've had suspicions before that I haven't investigated so closely. I could forgive the EA but I'd like to know if he had an affair with a close friend. He denies it but I had clear suspicions. He's still friends with her. I might be able to forgive that too, but not unless I know what happened.
True I could never know if he'd confessed everything, but would be more inclined to believe it was everything and to respect his desire to now be honest if he'd volunteered something himself rather than confessing only to what I found out.

OP posts:
buzzskeleton · 03/11/2011 14:34

Have you told him that?

LowLevelWhiiingeing · 03/11/2011 14:38

This must be very painful for you, but I really don't see what you can gain by getting more details.

He's clearly completely untrustworthy and not committed to you. You know this much already. there are no magic tips for getting more (painful) information out of him.

Bugsy2 · 03/11/2011 14:44

MHPE, can you imagine a scenario where he would be really honest with you? He has deceived you already and you have had to play the detective in order to try and pin him down to some truth. Do you really think he will come clean?

Why would your OH tell you the truth? He stands to gain nothing & would only dig himself deeper in the proverbial shit.
I don't have any answers & I have stood in your shoes. Have you checked his phone? Can you get into his email account?

Spirit72 · 03/11/2011 15:12

You need to ask yourself what you will do with the 'information' if you find out there is more depth to it. Will it change the way you deal with it? Will it make you feel any better? What limit will you set on his betrayal?

I ask this as I've been there, accused him and he finally admitted it. Then when I sked him if there were anymore skeletons in the cupboard he said no, but there was........

I was strongly advise that you only ask if it's going to make a difference to your decision otherwise it will torment you and eat away like a cancer, morning, noon, night, 4am..........people will have many good and bad words of advice but only you know in your heart or head what you will and won't accept and be able to live with.

Hope that makes some sort of sense......

itsalladirtylie · 03/11/2011 15:59

If he was that clever/devious he'd twig that volunteering some info might placate you a little.
As for 'tips for getting confessions', well excuse me for being facetious but there's always torture..I expect you'd like to.

Does sound as if you're better off without him, unless you can both agree on an open relationship.
Good luck.

MadAboutHotChoc · 03/11/2011 16:52

You need to tell him that if he is really committed to making things work, he needs to be honest - if he cannot do this, then you know you can't trust him ever again and there is no chance of making the marriage work.

This is what I told my H and I made it clear that if I should find out he has been lying again, that would be the end of everything.

Original poster
Milehighprivateeye · 03/11/2011 17:12

MAHC - did your H tell you anything else after you said that to him?

OP posts:
fiventhree · 03/11/2011 17:16

Well, I agree MAHChoc, but what does one do if the other party insists that he has been? You cant know for sure, and therein lies the dilemma.

Original poster
Milehighprivateeye · 03/11/2011 17:16

Thanks for all your comments and advice. I'm considering the "ditch the lying bastard" route but part of me wants to give him an opportunity for confession and forgiveness. Torture is tempting but it's not worked that well so far so I'm trying the approach of saying tell me and we can deal with it like "adults" (ahem!!)

OP posts:
MadAboutHotChoc · 03/11/2011 17:49

Yes he did (and I kept checking, digging, questionning him again). I asked for full access to his mobile, emails, laptop etc so that there is transparency.

This approach will only work if your H really wants to make a go of your relationship.

Original poster
Milehighprivateeye · 03/11/2011 18:06

I think he does want to make a go of it. I'm kind of in the driving seat in that sense but it's not been that fruitful so far but I'm working on it. He tried giving ultimatums last night (you have to draw a line under this, you have to decide what you want, I don't know where I stand) but at least we both know that's ridiculous

OP posts:
Hissy · 03/11/2011 18:22

TBH, I would adopt the Guilty til proven innocent approach.

Tell him that you are convinced he has shagged this woman and until he proves to you otherwise, he can move out. Get HIM to do all the running. why should you go skulking about in his dirty laundry?

If he were serious about patching things up,he'd be insisting on full disclosure, totally open book with you... he's not,right? then he's still at it.

Hissy · 03/11/2011 18:25

"you have to draw a line under this, you have to decide what you want, I don't know where I stand"

Ultimatum from HIM huh? Shock

Who the fuck heck gave HIM permission to have the cheek to issue ultimatums? He merely wants you to STFU and let him get on with his sordid life.

He's still at it love, sorry but he is. He's not showing any contrition, any desire to be forgiven by you, merely impatience because your attention is still on him and he knows he's being watched, and doesn't like it.

izzywhizzysgunpowderplot · 03/11/2011 18:31

I think you know that what's he's admitted to is the tip of a very grubby iceberg.

For one EA including internet plus meeting up, apparently no sex; plus secret meetings with others read 'numerous sexual liaisons whenever opportunity presented itself' - and, using the internet, he made damn sure that opportunity presented itself on a frequent basis.

Given the approaching festive season, nutcrackers come to mind. Get his balls in the clamp by telling him that if you don't get a full and frank warts & all disclosure, you'll be proclaiming his infidelity from the rooftops in the expectation that, once others are aware that you know about his various duplicities, there'll be no shortage of anecdotal evidence handed to you by those who have only kept schtum because they didn't want to be the first to tell you.

izzywhizzysgunpowderplot · 03/11/2011 18:35

You can also add to his seasonal joy by telling that him that just one EA is sufficient grounds for divorce and that unless he comes clean, a divorce will be your final Christmas gift to him.

tobyrat · 03/11/2011 18:52

The fact is that he needs to tell you everything you have asked to know. If you are to stay together, the main purpose of him telling you is so that you can "deal" with it and eventually the marriage will be repaired. By not telling you everything now, when additional details come out in the future, the entire hurt from the EA will be replayed and you will be back to square one. It will be likely impossible to properly fix the marriage if he doesn't confess everything now.

Sorry to be so miserable, but (with the facts you have provided) I would think that there is about a 5% chance he didn't have sex with this woman. He does sound really nasty and I am wondering why you actually want to stay with him - given that this doesn't look like a "first and only" mistake - it looks like quite a bit more.

deburca · 03/11/2011 18:54

MHPE when my first husband cheated I sensed it long before I had any evidence, he did come clean eventually and I remember saying to him "can you promise me this will never happen again" he did of course promise but to be honest my trust was broken at that stage so it was pointless.

You cant make him be honest with you but you can be honest with yourself,are you happy putting up with it as from the sounds of it he doesnt want to be honest now when he knows he is caught, ergo will he be honest and faithful ongoing?

SirSugar · 03/11/2011 19:03

Heres a technique I once used on my H to extract info with great efficiency.

I had the feeling he had been with his ExW. I had spoken to her and she knew about our DD ( they were divorced long before I became involved with him ) so how would she know unless she had some contact with him. He had stayed out all night once, about three years prior to this. I suddenly realised he must have spent the night with her.

When I got home that evening I said ' I know where you were the night you never came home' and before he could answer I said ' how often did you see ExW?'.....' It was only the once!' he said then asked me how I knew. I told that HE had just told me.

Stupid Arse.

He always fucked about, and she wasn't the only one; and although I guessed, he was an abusive man and I was hoping he'd would run off with someone else so never did any further investigative work. He never did run off, the grim reaper took him off my hands..

MadAboutHotChoc · 03/11/2011 19:17

He tried giving ultimatums last night (you have to draw a line under this, you have to decide what you want, I don't know where I stand)

This tells me that he does not really want to make a proper go of it and has no intention of helping you recover :(

I think you know it really - do listen to your instincts.

MadAboutHotChoc · 03/11/2011 19:20

And by making a proper go of it I mean he should be doing everything in his power to help repair the marriage, help you recover and set up boundaries with regards to other women etc....you are the prize he has to work his socks off to win...no way should he be giving you ultimatums.

Fairenuff · 03/11/2011 19:27

Actually I agree that you have to decide what you want.

He doesn't know where he stands because you keep putting up with behaviour which even he considers unacceptable and he's not sure how much he can get away with.

What you want, I believe, is to trust him. To be able to believe him when he says he hasn't slept with anyone else, or had any other affairs.

I don't see how you can ever achieve this. You will never trust him. As to finding out the truth. Lie detector test?

izzywhizzysgunpowderplot · 03/11/2011 19:55

Polygraphs are not reliable... but a shot of sodium pentothal is.

Perhaps a trip to Moscow disguised as Christmas shopping for the purposes of acquiring a few doses of SP-117 is in order but I don't recommend flying Aeroflot in the winter months, or any other months for that matter.

AnyFucker · 03/11/2011 21:05

you are still with a cheating man who attempts to give you ultimatums ?

why?

Swipe left for the next trending thread