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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Tips for getting confessions

65 replies

Milehighprivateeye · 03/11/2011 14:15

(name changed) My DH has admitted to one EA including internet plus meeting up, apparently no sex; plus secret meetings with others. He's only admitted to what I've found out myself and under pressure (over weeks) has added details when I've really pressed him. Does anyone have tips for getting him to own up to previous affairs? He says I know everything now but I don't believe that. All my suspicions have been correct and I can't believe that I have a 100% track-down rate. I think I'd feel a bit better if he confessed voluntarily to past indiscretions. Also, I'm inclined against contacting OW that I suspect but very tempted. Any opinions?

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Bugsy2 · 04/11/2011 09:30

izzy - I like your style - are you former KGB? Wink Sounds like no man would cheat on you!
MHPE - you take your time to work out what you want. He is acting like an arse - but don't let him pressure you with any deadlines. Grrrr, went through all this with ex-H too. He sounds like the controlling type & even when they are in the wrong, they still want it all their own way.
Be strong!

fiventhree · 04/11/2011 09:58

It is hard to see why he would have 'secret meet ups' with a number of women, as well as an EA, without there being more. Men dont meet up 'a number of women' secretly for nothing.

I would put money on it that there is more, especially since he has spent a while getting round to admitting this much.

I think he is getting angry and frustrated because you wont back off, and because he is determined to admit as little as possible. He is trying to make you feel as though it is you who has the problem. He certainly doesnt seem keen to help you to understand and feel better about this.

Apart from keeping things as they are, and playing cat and mouse, do you think there are others things which you could do, for yourself?

Milehighprivateeye · 04/11/2011 11:23

Thanks again for helpful support and advice. Let me make clear for the sake of my reputation on MN and general pride that I gave the "ultimatum" short shrift and he immediately backed down (no choice really). One last push on the "tell me everything I can take it, I deserve it, we deserve it, it's your opportunity" by offering this in writing rather than face to face. I can't see it working but tbh if it does then whatever you think, it will make me feel better and will actually make me think better of H. At least if he (terrible phrase) "man's up" then I'll respect him a little.

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fiventhree · 04/11/2011 11:33

Fair enough. I dont think there are 'correct'ways to handle these things. Also, I sometimes think it isn't helpful on the threads to push hard for people to move in directions that they aren't ready to go in.

I'm feeling my way, myself, at home. I did read a useful book on marriage saving a while back which suggested doing a '180' when all else fails, ie the opposite to what you were doing before. At the time I didnt pay it much attention, but I have realised since that for me, moving out of the bedroom was in fact a 180, and it happened naturally, rather than as part of a strategy. Certainly it unsettled my h for the first time really, and has helped me. So that was the sort of thing I was getting at ie are there things which might help you, which would be a bit 180-ish?

izzywhizzysgunpowderplot · 04/11/2011 12:27

You're going to put your demand request in writing Shock

Big mistake, honey. You'll be giving the fucker written notice that he has yet more time to come up with an edited, sanitised, version of his insalubrious activities and he'll have more opportunity to rehearse and practise the minimalist confession that he'll eventually make.

If you want the get the truth out of a devious, lying, cheating twunt always take them unawares and watch their body language.

As fiventhree has said, doing the opposite to what he's expecting may elicit a breakthrough. If your conversations on this vexed subject have been heated less than civilised, back off and adopt the resigned and regretful demeanour of a martyr.

Quietly tell him you're resigned to the fact that he will never be honest with you and that, as you now need time to consider whether you want to stay married to him, the subject of his duplicity is out of bounds.

And then, equally quietly, tell him that regretfully sex between the two of you is off the menu until such time as you've been tested for sexually transmitted diseases.

Keeping a straight face add that you haven't felt entirely right 'down there' for a few months and, having googled the subject, you're aware that some stds are symptomless for males and it's entirely possible that he's transmitted chlamydia or another disease to you that he's unaware of.

Follow this with the silent treatment over the weekend - briefly engage in any conversation he initiates on other subjects interspersed with pensive looks, gazing into the distance, the occasional deep sigh, and generally emanating a preoccupied air as if you're wrestling with a 'big decision'.

If you're engaging with other adults in his presence be especially animated and act as if everything in your joint garden is lovely, reverting to martyr when you're alone with him.

If he runs true to form, he'll crack by Sunday evening and his first hesitant genuine admissions will start to push through the dark soil of his deceit like spring bulbs but, unfortunately, they won't be anywhere near as pretty.

izzywhizzysgunpowderplot · 04/11/2011 12:28

Former CIA Bugsy Grin

Milehighprivateeye · 04/11/2011 12:32

Thanks - this has been so helpful and you're right. I've done a "180" by saying I'm strong, I understand, I can take it, we can work it out. It's not right but fess up and we'll deal with it. I won't have it happen again and I won't give you a chance again but I'll deal with whatever you've done. I suppose given that I've basically been in a parent-child relationship with this man, expecting him to suddenly communicate something so serious and risky as an honest adult is unrealistic. I need to be his mother one more time, give him the security in which to get it all off his chest and leave working on the "adult to adult" stuff until this is out of the way. erm... I'll believe it when I see/hear it but I feel that it's what I need to do to give my best last effort to sorting my relationship out!! Is this woman mad?? My therapist says I'm an amazingly optimistic person. I'm starting to see what she means.
I'm glad your moving out of the bedroom helped you. Initially I did the opposite and acted all lovely sexy wife and tried to win him. OMG how humiliating and anyone out there, please learn from my mistake and do not try that particular tactic.

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Milehighprivateeye · 04/11/2011 12:41

Thanks Izzy too. Maybe you're right and I'm making another mistake. However, I've been doing something close to what you've suggested for weeks now and it's not really led anywhere so far. I've got a few more facts from catching him off-guard - enough to see that he is lying still and covering up but he's good. I've also got a bit more out of him in writing already so it might work. I agree with you that I'm giving him time to rehearse rather than putting him on the spot but on the spot wasn't going anywhere perhaps cos he's smarter than me when it comes to lying.

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izzywhizzysgunpowderplot · 04/11/2011 12:53

There's a very fine line between 'amazingly optimistic' and 'seriously deluded' and IMO you're crossing it by acting as if you're Mother Earth, clasping the manchild to your bosom, and expecting him to suddenly morph into an honest and open adult.

It seems to me that your unrealistic expectations are providing him with more opportunities/reasons/excuses to lie to you.

As for saying I won't have it happen again, good luck with that one. How do you intend to stop him doing what he has obviously enjoyed doing for some considerable time, and may still be doing? Hmm

Leopards don't change their spots, and neither do liars. If he thinks you're stupid enough to fall for his lies, he'll keep right on telling them.

Remember the old game of 'truth and consequences'? He hasn't told the truth and you now need to spell out the consquences.

Milehighprivateeye · 04/11/2011 13:04

See where you're coming from Izzy. I just want to know that I've done everything to give the relationship a chance. I have a plan B and C and D that don't involve all present parties.

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izzywhizzysgunpowderplot · 04/11/2011 13:18

He's able to play you because, in your eagerness to prove how 'adult' you are, you've effectively condoned what he's done.

It's time for you to play hardball, honey, and the balls you'll be using are his.

Milehighprivateeye · 04/11/2011 13:32

So in your mind then, Izzy, no option but to kick him out?

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Bugsy2 · 04/11/2011 13:34

MHPE, I would second izzy's advice. I also did the "I'm a grown up & will behave as such" thing. I was controlled, adult & rational about it all. Looking back, I should flipped out & gone completely bonkers. I should have been mad & passionate & done all the mental, crazy stuff women are allowed should do when their H is acting like a dick. 8 years down the line after I found out, I've been divorced for 5 (happily I should add). But being grown up got me nowhere.

Charbon · 04/11/2011 13:49

Milehigh I don't recommend playing games or any martyr behaviour. If you want to relate as adults, it's always best to behave like one and treat your partner the same. Asking him to write things down is a sensible way forward, but I just get the impression that wanting to know the full facts is getting in the way of the real issue, which is why this happened and whether you can live with it. It might also be causing you to ignore that he isn't sorry at all and instead of giving you honesty, he's getting irritated.

It's understandable that you want all the facts and I'd be the same, but in a way, it's stopping you dealing with what you already know, isn't it? The message you're sending is that you could forgive what he's confessed to already.

Is that true?

I also think you are conveying a subliminal message that you will put up with emotional, but not physical infidelity.

Sometimes in these situations it's better to trust your own beliefs and act accordingly. You believe that he's been physically unfaithful (and so do I) so would you be able to stay with him if you are right? If he still doesn't admit all, you're still going to have those beliefs aren't you? If you stay with him despite that, you're communicating you'll accept infidelity and lies in your relationship, aren't you?

Don't lose sight of your right to decide that what you already know is bad enough to end a marriage - and this is supported by the divorce laws.

izzywhizzysgunpowderplot · 04/11/2011 13:52

Think of it as kicking him into touch and it seems to me that you both need to get in touch with the reality of the enormity of what he's done, and what he is quite likely still doing.

To salvage your dignity and preserve your emotional well-being you are best advised to adopt the view that if he prefers to engage in his other life rather than the one he has with you, so be it.

Apologies for coming out with yet another trite adage but he has been having his cake and eating it and it's time to tell him that he can have all the cake he wants - but he sure ain't going to be eating it at your table.

Unless there's a dramatic change to the current status quo he's never going to 'man-up', and the onus is on you to strap on a pair and kick his sorry arse out of your home.

It may be that the shock will plunge him into some kind of maturity and he may begin to accept liability for what he's done to your marriage, but I wouldn't advise you to hold your breath on that or rush to allow him back into your life if he tells another pack of lies comes clean and expresses remorse for his behaviour.

Milehighprivateeye · 04/11/2011 16:13

Yeah - you were all right. He's spend most of the day writing pages and pages about how much he regrets doing all these terrible things...erm but not actually mentioning anything I didn't find out myself already. He's given one more detail about something he'd already sworn was everything there was to know and even had the cheek to say afterwards he thought he'd mentioned it. It's getting near time to "phone a friend with a law degree" I think. Can't say I didn't try all sorts.

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Milehighprivateeye · 04/11/2011 16:47

We're up to 4 kisses now and 2 meetings. Plus apparently he wanted to have sex but she wouldn't. Funny that isn't it when she got in touch with him and it was her who was making all the moves..! Got a bit more out of him I suppose.

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Charbon · 04/11/2011 16:50

4 kisses and two meetings with whom? And how many women are involved?

If he's saying that he would have gone ahead but she backed out, it makes me think he's protecting the woman concerned and that he's still seeing her and/or has feelings for her.

Fairenuff · 04/11/2011 16:51

Are you feeling better now that he's started to confess?

Or do you think there's more?

Milehighprivateeye · 04/11/2011 16:59

Oh yeah..good point. I thought it was a bit strange when she totally disappeared from Facebook. She didn't just de-friend but destroyed her profile.

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buzzskeleton · 04/11/2011 17:10

She could still be on there but have blocked him/you and gone unsearchable.

AnyFucker · 04/11/2011 17:11

christ on a bike, how can you be bothered ?

just tell him to fuck off out of it

Orbinator · 04/11/2011 17:18

OP I really feel for you. I have huge trust issues with my partner but have been trying to overlook certain inconclusive suspicions as we are trying to start again.

I will admit to emailing his ex and telling her I was pg after finding emails from him saying he wished it had all been different and that he wasn't happy and had nothing to look forward to...all the while telling me he was thrilled and excited and totally in love with me. Honestly I did this in her interests as well as mine - he was trying to string her along and get her to admit feelings from him (despite him breaking up with HER). He would never have told her and she would always think he was single and heartbroken after he left her. I did have an email back from her confirming he is a selfish tit and she wasn't surprised as he only thinks of himself. It cleared the air and now I know I'm not going mad when I think he is being selfish; others have thought it too. He knows I won't just let him lie and get away with it now too and I hope therefore less likely to do it again as I have shown him I have no shame Blush and will shout it from the rooftops if I find solid evidence anything else.

Do you think the other woman knows he is married? He may have sold her a story about the two of you not "being intimate". I'm the type who also needs confirmation and would message her with the truth about your "sexy" marriage (you said you went that way initially) and what he has said about her chasing him. She can fill in the gaps.

Hissy · 04/11/2011 18:24

"I just want to know that I've done everything to give the relationship a chance."

Yes, but what you have effectively done is given this dickhead enough rope, and he has indeed HUNG himself on it.

His writing it all down is a pile of bollocks, he's minimising and negotiating the truth again.

Tell him you haven't the time to read all that shit and tbh, he has said he wanted to fuck her, but SHE refused, so he has cheated in real terms in his mind, he GAVE himself permission to betray you and your family.

The next gesture you make is to point him in the direction of the DOOR.

It IS that simple.

Hissy · 04/11/2011 18:25

IF this arse was playing it straight to win you back, you'd be able to get on his FB,

right now if you went on there, you'd see there that she IS still connected to him.

You'd end it right there and then.

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