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Original poster

Tips for getting confessions

65 replies

Milehighprivateeye · 03/11/2011 14:15

(name changed) My DH has admitted to one EA including internet plus meeting up, apparently no sex; plus secret meetings with others. He's only admitted to what I've found out myself and under pressure (over weeks) has added details when I've really pressed him. Does anyone have tips for getting him to own up to previous affairs? He says I know everything now but I don't believe that. All my suspicions have been correct and I can't believe that I have a 100% track-down rate. I think I'd feel a bit better if he confessed voluntarily to past indiscretions. Also, I'm inclined against contacting OW that I suspect but very tempted. Any opinions?

OP posts:

babyhammock · 04/11/2011 18:28

This is what I wish I'd said to now ex when he was cheating on me yonks ago...

'Get the hell out of here and unless you decide to stop insulting my fucking intelligence, don't even bother looking in my direction..'

As it was I let walk all over me with bells on :(

fiventhree · 04/11/2011 18:41

Hissy is right. It would be reasonable, given what he has said already, to ask for his facebook password right now in front of him (ie before he has a chance to change it), or whatever other site he is on.

This was quite revealing for me, after a poster had suggested it to me. He was 'unable' to remember passwords for some things, and changed his story about others. However he is denying any infidelity.

Given your h has admitted at least some, it is a fair request, and he cant possibly have forgotten yet. If he refuses or prevaricates, then he almost certain is hiding something.

Also ppl.com can be used for a people search, and will reveal myspace etc, even if he has only used his first name, if you put try search options using eg email address, name, user names

Orbinator · 04/11/2011 18:45

Trouble is we are back to what you consider as cheating - he is only admitting to a kiss and wanting more. I don't know the OP's situ re: family, but there may be more keeping her needing answers rather than just walking.

Trust is a very very hard thing to regain though. I'm not even sure it is 100% possible but can see that she needs more evidence of worse to change her life with this guy if they have been together a while and/or have kids, for example.

Fairenuff · 04/11/2011 19:09

I suspect that OP wants to know the whole truth so that she can say, ok because you've been honest with me I will forgive you.

Then she will not have to take her head out of the sand.

He is too dim self centred to realise this so is still trying to hide things.

OP realises this so keeps digging for more dirt.

And so it goes on, and on, and on . . .

Orbinator · 04/11/2011 19:14

Maybe. I suspect however, that if she finds something he has not disclosed (sex, obviously) then she will feel justified in leaving. Sadly some of us do still need to feel justified for leaving, even when they have clearly lied about other things.

Original poster

Milehighprivateeye · 07/11/2011 00:34

Using a technique of one-woman good cop, bad cop, managed to get something of a confession. He wanted sex and from what I gather they went out together for that purpose, had several passionate kisses but she wouldn't go through with it and I can only think left him gasping. I thought at first he was protecting her but I actually think this might be true as when I said I knew he'd {been into her underwear - but used another phrase} he got quite upset and angry about being dumped, not even getting sex and getting found out anyway - he said it wasn't worth it as if he was pissed off that he was getting in this much trouble and he didn't even get to feel her up properly {again, words he used were different} and he seemed to resent that she got away with the whole thing without her hubby finding out. Still not admitting anything about other OW but he's made it pretty obvious that it was out of order. He's still been trying to force ultimatums (ha ha) and flitting between aggressive denials and poor me, I can't win, I've told you everything....I've heard enough now anyway and some of that has helped me to make my decisions. He's staying with a friend so I can get some space and think things through. Got a lot to work out now - but not until CAB and the solicitor's opens in the morning. Night night all and thank you for your help so far. Don't go away - your support is so valuable and so welcome. I don't have a clue what to do next but will pick it up quickly I hope.

OP posts:

fiventhree · 07/11/2011 08:45

Poor you, MH.

and well done on getting this far. No doubt you will find the next period stressful, so please please focus on doing some nice things for yourself, and taking care of you.

Bugsy2 · 07/11/2011 08:56

Huge cyber sympathy MHPE. Take your time, no rush. He sounds so spoilt & petulant - like a kid caught with his hand in the cookie jar. Not sorry that he ate the biscuit, but only that he got caught.

WardrobeYeti · 07/11/2011 09:05

If I'm reading what you say rightly, then he's upset that for all the trouble he's in he didn't even get a shag out of her? Because that is a truly self-absorbed way of thinking. It doesn't seem right to me for him to be so preoccupied with the fact he got caught but didn't get what he wanted. Like having his end away would have made the punishment less bitter because at least that would have been more serious and he would have had the sex he wanted. Not much focus on the fact that what he did was wrong full stop, and that he should be apologising and GLAD that he didn't have sex with her because he loves you and that would have been a mistake. He doesn't seem very remorseful in that respect.

Original poster

Milehighprivateeye · 07/11/2011 09:24

I agree with you WardrobeYeti it's all about him being sorry he got caught and I think he's feeling a bit of a loser because he couldn't even cheat properly. He has apologised but again it's not along the lines of "please forgive me" more like "can we stop talking about it now - look how bad I'm feeling - can you understand how hard this is for me?"....erm...But I've gone from a few weeks back feeling devastated, physically a wreck (could hardly hold up my head cos neck was so tense, shaking, quivering, crying) to feeling a bit apprehensive about the future and not having much idea what happens next but also ready to "bring it on". Although this is dominating my thoughts and is still stressful and shit, I'm actually enjoying life in general a lot more than i have for months/years. Especially music and lovely sunsets/weather we've been having. Strange - maybe fallen back in love with myself? Feeling so much love for the kids too - they are amazing. I've realised that whatever happens I'll always see them and love them (was scared before of losing them) even though I'll need to share them with H in a different way. Biggest problem is that he has been "SAHP" - I put that in inverted commas because that mainly involves trying to impress people on Facebook, floating about coffee shops and taking photos and trying to attract women and leaving a lot of the housework for kids or for me when I get home from long day at work. He's not worked for years - I'll probably end up having to pay for this arsehole. I just hope I can work out something that's OK for myself and kids. I'm off to CAB now, GU clinic just in case this afternoon and some other stuff....!

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 07/11/2011 10:51

he thinks he is a loser ?

he is

and he is certainly a crap partner

workedoutforthebest · 07/11/2011 15:14

When I was pregnant and had suspicions about my dp having affairs, I told him that I had 'blue toothed' all of his mobile contacts onto my phone and text them all a circular message saying 'I need to know have you slept with my boyfriend.....'

Be careful what you wish for. He was having an affair with no less than five women.

OP, the damage is done. I also wanted to find out more and managed to gain access to his hotmail/facebook/friends reunited as well as going around to two of the 'womens'' houses to unleash the beast. How I wish I hadn't.

It really isn't worth it and I must admit, it almost sent me around the bend. Your partner has done wrong. a) Do you still want to be with him? b) you need to get the trust back. Please don't go about it the way I did. Yes, it hurts, in fact hurt isn't the right word.

Put it this way, my dp only told me 20% of what I eventually found out. You do the math.

Now almost a year on since it happened, I have forgiven him. I still get angry but now for some reason, my anger is more at the so called 'women' that he had an affair with.

Good luck!

buzzswellington · 07/11/2011 16:22

You forgave him fucking around with 5 other women?

AnyFucker · 07/11/2011 16:47

WOFTB

it didn't, except for your sexually-incontinent husband

sorry about that

MadAboutHotChoc · 07/11/2011 17:02

5 women!! Why are they getting the blame? Your DP chose to disrespect you by shagging them - these women do not owe you anything.

BTW I would rather know everything so that I can make a decision based on the facts, no matter how much pain and hurt this could bring me.

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