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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Caught red handed

57 replies

PilgrimSoul · 01/11/2011 20:49

I am in shock here. Myself and P living together for past 6 months, together 3 years. I came home early today, he was working on laptop. I asked to use it to send an email, he seemed cagey, but let me.

Long story short, messenger popped up, I messaged her, they had been texting all day, and she gave me his user name for an online (dating) site.

It all adds up. It is definitely him. I have asked him to leave for tonight. He left denying all culpability.

Why am I not crying, but rather, am calmly accepting the inevitability of the end of what was so promising? He was an amazing, attentive, kind partner, who I loved deeply. Kind and caring to my dd who was very fond of him. I have been kicked like this before, and my heart was broken. I feel much more steely this time.

It doesn't seem real at all.

OP posts:
meltedchocolate · 01/11/2011 20:52

I'm so sorry. I know it hurts but at least now you know. I have no good advice but didn't want to read and run. Have a

TiredOfGoingRoundInCircles · 01/11/2011 20:57

I couldn't read and run either, so sorry this has happened, I really feel for you. A very similar thing happened to me ages ago, I sometimes wish I'd told my H to to leave - I have no good advice either, but I'm sure someone else will have soon.

pictish · 01/11/2011 21:00

Why am I not crying, but rather, am calmly accepting the inevitability of the end of what was so promising? He was an amazing, attentive, kind partner, who I loved deeply. Kind and caring to my dd who was very fond of him. I have been kicked like this before, and my heart was broken. I feel much more steely this time.

Op you have the intelligence to know that if he genuinely IS all of those lovely things, then he would not have done what he did.

I'm so sorry. xxx

Besom · 01/11/2011 21:01

What a bloody awful shock for you, I'm really sorry. I don't know what else to say other than 'bastard'.

heleninahandcart · 01/11/2011 21:03

Pilgrim I'm sorry. You have only just found out and are still in shock. Your tears/rage/and expressions of your hurt will come, you are still absorbing what has happened. You will get good advice on here, the only thing I will add is that whatever he says, do things in your own time or your own terms. You need time to take all this in and work out how you feel before making any decisions. Post as much as you need to.

lampli · 01/11/2011 21:19

What Pictish said. You have done the right thing by asking him to leave.

Original poster
PilgrimSoul · 01/11/2011 21:35

Thank you all, the kindness of strangers has lubricated the soul and the tears are coming.

I have been practical and stopped all accounts he has access to. I have told one real life friend what has happened, so she is there for me, and for the locks to be changed tomorrow.

I have tried very hard to find rationale, reason or excuses for what I found, but have failed.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 01/11/2011 21:38

That is because there is no rationale, reason or excuse for what he did

Sorry love, he is a shit

You know it

Don't even consider giving him another chance x

Becky36 · 01/11/2011 21:43

I can sympathise with your situation. I finished with someone who joined multiple dating sites while with me. He was such a convincing liar and told me over and over again that he had stopped using the sites etc etc. I don't know what was worse in the end, the cheating (which it is) or the fact that he thought so little of me that he could do that, or that he thought that I was so stupid that I would continue to believe his lies.

This happened over a three year period, during which he kept rejoining the sites under different names after telling me he had stopped. It almost drove me mad wondering what he was up to.

The saddest thing is the three years wasted on lies lies and more lies.

It is hard even now to think that what we had was all based on fiction and him looking for something better, more exciting, different from me.

The bottom line here is that even if he tells you he has stopped you will have no way of knowing whether he has or not and as my mum always says "if you haven't got trust then you haven't got anything".

Good luck and know that this is not anything to do with you - it's all about him and what he wants.

Original poster
PilgrimSoul · 01/11/2011 21:49

Thanks AF, have always loved your posts x

And he is a bloody fucker for trampling on my dreams like this. I feel like you get a tankful of trust and dreams when you are born, and I, in my 40s was on reserve. The tank is empty now.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 01/11/2011 21:57

Hey, hey...so the trust tank needle is (temporarily) on red

At least you can say your self-esteem settings are up to scratch. Your intolerance-for-a-cheater dial is at a healthy reading. Your emotional savviness rating is set to "fuck me around at your peril"

Those things may not keep you warm in bed, but there is nothing colder than mistrust. And you can get a hot water bottle, or another man when you have got over this inadequate one.

I like the sound of you x

flatbellyfella · 01/11/2011 22:28

Good advice A/F . Good luck PS.

Original poster
PilgrimSoul · 01/11/2011 22:44

You have made me laugh with that AF, and Becky you are right, this isn't about me, it is about him, and his endless search.

Maybe as my rl friend said, soon, next year, the year after, whenever I am ready, I will find someone whose search isn't open ended.

Thats not important now though, I have to tie up these loose ends. As luck (or not) would have it we exchanged on a house this week. I have to figure out what I am going to do.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 01/11/2011 22:50

it was quite poetic from me, wasn't it ? Wink

a step further from my usual "just tell him to fuck off out of it"

AnyFucker · 01/11/2011 22:52

oh shit...just seen your house thing Shock

by "exchanged" does that mean "signed contracts" ?

lampli · 02/11/2011 08:06

Oh no, what are you going to do? Will you go ahead with the purchase on your own? Can you pull out between exchange and completion? I don't know much about house purchases in England.

You sound very strong and determined, despite having such an awful shock at a stressful time. Good luck.

PopcornMouse · 02/11/2011 11:08

I think you can pull out, but it incurs costs to the seller to cover inconvenience/arranged movers etc?

PattyPenguin · 02/11/2011 13:24

Re the house, have you spoken to the solicitor who is acting for you?

Original poster
PilgrimSoul · 02/11/2011 13:39

The house purchase was in my name, even though it was a joint project. It was supposedly a doer upper and sell on. I could conceivably complete on my own,but it's daunting. I will have to decide soon.

In the meantime, got the admission, apologies, never intended to meet anyone, not sure why he did it..... Bla bla. Will post more later. I am so grateful for the support on here.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 02/11/2011 14:03

PS...I know it's shit for the seller, but them's the breaks, right ?

House selling is a dog-eat-dog business

House sales fall through every single day...often for much more trivial reasons than this

If this "doer-upper" was going to rely on a lot of input from him, I would can it

I am not at all surprised you have the grovelling apologies and crocodile tears now. It's all part of the script, innit. A few pretty words, a bit of self-hatred, several cries of "how could I hurt you when I love you so much?" along with hair-renting and faux gut-spilling.

It doesn't change the fact he felt entitled to do this.

He is sorry because he got caught and now he has to eat shit.

Boo fucking hoo

pictish · 02/11/2011 14:13

Yes what AF said.

He doesn't know why he did it eh?
Yes he does, and so do we. He did it because he wanted to keep his options open and his hand in for a better offer.
The fucking prick.

ledkr · 02/11/2011 14:13

op i have to agree with af my trust needle is set on empty too due to previous knobheads experiences.

I am remarried and have a fabulous relationship,he treats me like gold i swear, BUT i am not a sap and he knows it,any infidelity would not be tolerated on either side we know where we stand so dont spend any time thinking about it as its simple,it would be over end of.

He obviously needs to have his stupid ego massaged all the time,good job you found this out now and didnt waste anymore time on the loser.

pictish · 02/11/2011 14:15

What other conceivable reason could there possibly be??
There IS none!

ledkr · 02/11/2011 14:22

Cos he fancied a change,cos he needed his self esteem boosted,cos he is sex mad,cos he has too much time on his hands,cos hes afraid of real life etc etc many reasons but no excuses.

AnyFucker · 02/11/2011 14:42

many reasons, none of 'em good

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