Caught red handed

[PilgrimSoul]

I am in shock here. Myself and P living together for past 6 months, together 3 years. I came home early today, he was working on laptop. I asked to use it to send an email, he seemed cagey, but let me.

Long story short, messenger popped up, I messaged her, they had been texting all day, and she gave me his user name for an online (dating) site.

It all adds up. It is definitely him. I have asked him to leave for tonight. He left denying all culpability.

Why am I not crying, but rather, am calmly accepting the inevitability of the end of what was so promising? He was an amazing, attentive, kind partner, who I loved deeply. Kind and caring to my dd who was very fond of him. I have been kicked like this before, and my heart was broken. I feel much more steely this time.

It doesn't seem real at all.

Pilgrim, if you have exchanged, I don't think you CAN realistically back out. You will need emergency advice from the solicitor, it could cost you THOUSANDS. Your deposit basically... you may even be subject to legal action.

Sounds like you can afford to go ahead on your own, I would do so, you will be able to pull this off, go for it.

This bloke needs to be out of your equations for a while, you carry on with YOUR life.

IF he satisfies you in the future that he can be trusted, then you can consider letting him move in, if not, then he is gone for good.

All bets are off as far as he is concerned. If there is ANY chance of him learning that this is NEVER going to be acceptable behaviour, you must tell him to leave your life.

He needs to see what the consequences of this behaviour are. Anything less than banishing him will give him permission to do it again.

the first time you catch them is probably the beginning of the end, caught my ex H e mailing women on match.com the first time by accidentally finding his text messages to another woman,
he swore he wouldnt do it again, 3 months down the line thought right just check his laptop as he thinks ive forgotten it, and yep give him enough rope and he hung himself, e mailing women again, told him to get out and like an idiot i let him talk me round that time too,
forward to 3/4 months later saw a top up receipt for a phone that was supposed to be broken, couldnt find the phone but caught him red handed with the phone in his hand texting someone else, that was the last straw this time it was strike 3 and out, this is what will happen to you, the trust will be gone, you will find yourself doubting whether he is ever telling the truth, looking for dodgy behaviour, and this was a guy i adored, have never looked at another man , good housekeeper, slim, good cook and he still did this

issey he would have done it if you were Delia Smith in the kitchen and Angelina Jolie in the bedroom

it's about their inadequacies, not yours

you have none...he is riddled with them

Pilgrim, I love your name!

Is it from my favourite poem ever ' When you are old and grey' by WB Yeats?

Like the line says, you WILL find a man to 'love the pilgrim soul in you'.

Keep posting.

I'm pretty bloody amazing too, well am familiar with Delia Smith, have a fab career, take care of myself, can hold myself in any company or discussion, and have friends and family who like spending time with me.

I know it wasn't about me, even he acknowledges it wasn't about me, but about a character flaw in him. He even said at one point it was almost like entertainment.... urgh, he had even given a wrong first name to the woman he was messaging. I feel indignant on her behalf as well as my own, and all the other women who have to trawl through creeps like him online. I thanked her at the end of our online conversation, and was so so grateful that the sisterhood still exists online.

He is staying with a family member, all his stuff is still here.

I had a tough enough day. I spent much of the day wandering around Dublin in the pouring rain crying.

WRT the house, the deposit paid is not that much (relatively), the house is very, very cheap. It was a real buy. I don't feel bad if I let the seller down as it is a bank (part of a repo portfolio they just wanted off the books). Sister has told me I would be mad not to complete on my own, absorb myself in it as a project, sell or rent it and take the money, whilst sticking 2 fingers to him. I trusted him, he screwed me, now its his turn.

Thing is he has put a lot of the cash up (sitting in my account), found the house, put lots of legwork in finding quality affordable tradesmen. My moral compass is intact, so I really can't contemplate screwing him on this, much as it is a nice revenge fantasy.

Sorry that was long.

Gosh you are a fab woman and he is a massive cock for what he has done. Bail on the house, kick the fucker into touch and go on and be happy (because you will be because you are a good person)

Chin up treasure, all will be well x

You sound like a fabulous woman

His money is sitting in his account you say ?

I always fancied New York at this time of year...

sorry, in your account

Pigrim, return his money, complete on the house, use the tradesmen, pay for it yourself, just cut him and his money out of it.

it will give you something to do, it will be fun in a way, rent it out/sell it, but don't lose money over this man.

OR:

Plan B, you bail on the sale, and any money you lose as a result of it, you invoice HIM for it, and return the rest.

Bishoplyn, yes, my favourite poem too... but how love fled. I thought he was the 'one man loved the pilgrim soul in you, and loved the sorrows of your changing face', but clearly not.

Pilgrim, you will find a much better man to 'love your moments of glad grace'.

Like you, I'm in my early forties with a good self esteem but a history of choosing the wrong guy - emotionally unavailable, controlling, etc. etc. It's early days but I think I've found a good one

How are you doing today? Have you made any decisX

Sorry, posted too early....

Have you made any decisions about the house?

I am feeling stronger. Have decided to go ahead with the house. I think it would be a regret if I don't. It is daunting, but I know women who have done similar projects on their own, and have always admired them. In any case it is an opportunity to throw myself into something all absorbing for a few months. I have given him back his money, much as new York was appealing, although somewhere with blue skies and sun on my bones would have been better.

I haven't made any fast decisions about him. Only that he is out of the equation for a while til I get stronger. At the moment I don't think I could be emotionally intimate with him again, I may feel different in a few weeks. He is waiting, apologetic and stewing. I don't think he deserves any better.

How brilliant are you? You sound v strong.

Best of luck with the house renovation. Sounds like an ideal project to throw yourself into. Tell us more about it. What sort of house is it? Are you good at that concentrating on the nitty gritty bit? I'm finding out slowly that I'm rubbish. I stand in a room which still needs the hard flooring down and back boilers removed and boxing in completing and all I can think about is wallpaper and fripperies. I. Am. Rubbish.

Oh god I'm not strong. I have booked a pampering session for myself today in beauticians, and am worried I will sob when I am touched.

Kind words are like hugs to me now, and well me up.

Pilgrim, I am in similar circumstances to you so know exactly how you feel. So hugs to you.

Reading this thread is healing for me too and love AF's wording on her take on life. Pretty much mine too really.

The house sounds brilliant! Great project and good for you for not relying on a man to get you through life!!

Oh suburbophobe, I'm so sorry to hear that. Have you made any decisions, or are you flipflopping like me?

The house is a typical 2 up Victorian terrace, city centre, which is about 80% renovated by a builder who went bust. The neighbouring couple of houses were in the same state, with the same builder, so I have asked EA to put me in contact with the buyers of those, so we can share tradesmen and help each other out. Don't feel so alone with it. Also BIL is a good, meticulous builder.

In a way I think I am more frightened of going that project alone, than I am about going emotionally alone. I think I've picked myself up before after being let down by men, so I know things will be OK eventually, the pain will go away, and there is nothing I can do to hurry it along except mind myself.

DD away for the weekend, so am not relishing the thoughts of the next few days. Its hard to think last weekend we hosted a party, had coffee in bed, went shopping, cooked together, watched comedy on TV. How weird that one week can change so much.

Pilgrim- YOU are amazing. And you deserve so much better.

I have lost it tonight. I held it together all week for dd and for work, now I am here in floods. I told the Aromatherapist I wanted something healing, but I don't think I bargained for this level of healing!

He sent me an email saying he cannot ask for forgiveness from me as he cannot forgive himself. Who is the feckin' victim here?

He wants to come Sunday to collect some stuff. Its going to be a very tough couple of days.

I'm 90% sure I want rid of the Shit.

Hey Pilgrim just read this. What a shock for you. Sounds like you're coping though. Can you be out when he comes to get his stuff? Be kind to yourself and look after yourself this weekend. Let him deal with his remorse if it is genuine don't get drawn in to making him feel better. The house project might be what you need to just focus for the next few months. Keep posting on here. You will make a decision and it will be the right one but don't struggle with it now.
I went through a betrayal around this time last year and mumsnet quite literally kept me afloat in my darkest moments.

Wow so sorry Pilgrim, hope you are feeling stronger soon. You sound like an admirable and amazing woman, don't take him back, he seriously does not deserve you.

Pillgrim, how did it go today...did he come to pick up some stuff ?

Yes he did. I started getting stronger yesterday, and today felt almost back to my old self. He came and collected stuff.

I got very angry with him, he acknowledged my hurt, his stupidity, again saying it would not be fair to offer stupid excuses or justification, just apologies. Never consciously thought of the consequences or how it would impact on us if he was, or even if he wasn't caught. Devastated now bla bla.

He said to take as long as I needed to make a decision, he would wait, it was the least he could do. I said no need mate, ta-ra, I am banishing you from my life, take care,its a big bad world out there! He said I'll wait...I said don't bother, go back online tonight.
I'm still puzzled by the dichotomy of the man though. he left some shirts, books and CDs, when I asked him why, he said you eased me into DDs life, if you must, ease me out. I really think he meant that, rather than just keeping one foot under the table.

I don't believe anyone is 100% shit or bad, he was kind, decent person, which is why I chose him obviously, he just has a character weakness that I cannot accept or live with.

He is abroad with work now for a few weeks, which is a blessing as I can't call or text him in weakness, and it does give me an opportunity to choose my moment, when I am much stronger to tell dd he is gone.

I feel almost euphoric now, perhaps I got the closure I needed, perhaps its endorphins after the stress of the last week, the high after the lows and it will be a rollecoaster like this for a while.

DD home now, I have a very busy week in work lined up, am in Dublin again on Wednesday, and this time I won't wander around crying, I will buy myself new boots! I'm also starting a new course that I'm really looking forward to, and have lots and lots to reseach about the house. I have spent the afternoon on the ikea kitchen planner. Long sorry, I don't think this thread is finished, I'm not that niaive. There will be more lows.

Pilgrim, stick around

There will be more lows

But you sound switched on x

and I don't believe him re. what he left behind

he left it there as a physical reminder of him...he refuses to let you erase him

well, if you wish to erase him you can

it is your choice...he cannot influence you unless you allow it

bin the remaining stuff

he had his chance to rescue it

he faces the consequences