Support for those in abusive relationships - thread 6

[ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow]

Welcome!

This is the latest instalment in a series of threads for those who are in abusive relationships, those who have left abusive relationships, and those gearing to leave.

Come vent, share, give and receive support.

The first question you may be asking yourself as a new visitor to this thread is:

Am I being abused?
Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Financial abuse Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books
"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites
So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.

Thx littlehouseofmanynamesallcomfortingandcozy good to "see" lots of people back and moving onwards with life.

I'm feeling a bit of a mess. Have just had enough of mister nice now...how dare he pretend???after 2 months of complete awful behaviour to turn on the charm now...grrrr. Feeling scared too, I need to sort out finances as he is running through money we don't have like water ( how can one man spend nearly the same amount in sainsbury's that I do for 7 of us?????). Have decided to put the child benefit and WTC in a separate account cos I can see us not being able to feed the DCs otherwise. Needless to say I am the only one with a regular income (minute but regular) he thinks it' s ok coz he gets paid big bucks when he works...trouble is he hardly works...more grrrrr.

How do we keep our heads above water?? How do we sort it all out???

Yes fool I started by separating the income so that everything I was entitled to went into my account, not the joint one. You're the claimant for ChBen and WTC, I'm imagining. AH expecting to live on my sickness benefit was one of many final straws. (though I have been using some of it to top up the joint ac)

I think Tax credits and Ch ben go to the main carer, it is main carers right to choose where that money goes.

I need to sort my finaces out too fool Im so skint. Dh dropped dd off last night wearing a whole new outfit, must have cost a lot. When i asked him for money last week he gave me £10!!!! Im scared too fwiw....

It is quite reasonable to be scared of negotiating with these twisty manipulators. It gives them lots of opportunities for hurting us, making life difficult and causing distress. because they are so clever they dress it up as having the children's interests at heart or only wanting to be reunited with us.

But it is just same old same old. I am aware that to discuss money I need to be very wary, very careful and armed with my shield of indifference and detachment. But that is for the new year, not for now!

May I suggest you don't yet think about negotiation, except in the most general terms, until you have done the numbers properly and accurately, either on paper or spreadsheet. Do the numbers as much as you can - income and expenditure. Do not blench. It will likely look impossible. But it isn't.

As some of you know, I am doing the accounts for the last 11 years, but you won't need to do that. Do them for the last 3 months, if you can. Look out any benefit letters you have, check rises to come in April. Plan cheap menus and cost them. Get some idea of the value of your house, if owned, and the equity in it, and mortgage details. If you think you might have to rent, but can't see how, at least look at the market, find out if bonds are needed etc even if it just makes you sure it can't be done. Knowledge is power, and you need to check out all your options, even if they seem impossible now.

I hope the above doesn't sound too preachy. I'd welcome any feedback you'd care to give.

Hi - just dipping my toes back in. I kicked H out in October following some fantastic MN and RL support which made me realise he was emotional abusive and passive aggressive.

I have been coping ok with DS and work, but he is still really getting to me - posting about his new wife on FB and messing me around with the contact visits.

I thought I was doing ok, but he just dropped DS off and I am still sat here in tears. I am so fed up of crying over this bastard - honestly, you would think he'd had the worst time of it from the sob story I just heard, but you know he is such a brave soldier.

How do I sort out contact visits so I don't have to go through this every time? At the moment he picks up from our CM but she is jumpy that he won't turn up (he is always late/unreliable) and that makes DS and me fretful.

Hello I just went and read your thread. I agree with those who suggest you file for divorce asap. You would need a financial agreement even if you were just separating. AH wanted to live apart for 2 years and to get divorced on the nod as he put it - well, I filed on grounds of unreasonable behaviour and that will go through just as much on the nod.

Filing for divorce has made me feel so much more in control, and therefore more able to detach. I find it much easier now to keep quiet, where before I would have been defending and justifying myself. (We are still under same roof, kids grown so no contact issues)

I can understand how you couldn't hold back, though. The lateness thing is crap and manipulative - others on here say go out if he hasn't turned up on time to collect. Do you feel able to relate how the convo went - it may help us to unravel how he did this to you, and so how you can deal better in future.

ladies you're needed over here www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1372563-to-not-leave-him?msgid=29223274#29223274

I am wary of filing for divorce as I have more to lose in any financial settlement than him - i.e the house is in joint names even though he has never contributed to it (i know, i know).

At the moment, my solicitor is working on a transfer of equity independently from any divorce proceedings. I think once that is signed I will feel more confident in getting rid.

He was supposed to collect at 3 and texted 5mins before he was due to be here saying traffic, another 30mins etc. DS was sleeping anyway, so I woke him up and he knows his dad was supposed to see him. Something I learnt from here was not to cover up for him.

So 4pm and still not here, texts another 10mins etc. So I get DS in my car to go out but he is getting really fretful and crying for daddy etc. We just drive out our road and H passes us. Some farcical chasing around later and he collects DS - I complain about the lateness, that I had plans etc.

He promises to return by 7 latest (DS is only 2) and at 5 to 7 get another text that they are on their way. 7.30 and I call him - he is 5 mins away. When he arrives with a friend who has been smoking in the car with DS so I tell him off about that. Then I tell him I will be starting a divorce based on adultery, given the comments on FB - the usual, smirking, denying, laughing at me, blaming me, blaming my mum, he's had a terrible time with money, I've treated him really badly etc etc etc.

Hmm. I don't think it makes much difference re the house, if it is the marital home? But IAN a solicitor. The thing about a settlement is that the idea is to get him to settle without going to court. So in my case I think I have a good case for a non 50/50 split, and I think if he takes advice (which he may not) he will be told my case is good. But first I am getting our financial situation (capital rich, relatively; income poor) thoroughly understood, also what I want and what he wants. I am lucky, I think I can see a way. But only because my research has been thorough. I am happy to PM if you want more details.

FWIW the 'new' me in your shoes (I think): I would not have said anything about the smoking in the car. It took place while DC under his care, hard tho it is. And was probably designed to provoke you - I would just have assumed that.

I have been giving my AH the minimum necessary information, so I would have said I am filing for divorce - in fact, I did, but it sort of didn't count, but it did when I told him again after seeing a solicitor for the first time, and giving him a leaflet about Resolution. (worth googling if you don't know about this system of working things out).

I suppose i am not in a hurry to divorce as i have to maintain contact due to ds anyway. As he has left the marital home and i have no plans to remarry it won't make much practical difference. But yoi are right it might make it easier to disassociate which is what i need. He plays on the tiny doubt in my mind that this could be fixed. Obviously that would mean me putting up with all his crap all the time like before but still, he knows i don't want to harm ds so will play on that fact.

I really shouldn't get drawn into conversation with him but i was so angry and so much shit has happened, i actually just wanted to get a reaction. But i won't, ever because he really doesn't care about anyone or anything but himself.

I know what you mean about wanting to get a reaction. I kept trying in hopes of getting a breakthrough re him understanding how I felt. But no, the same old same old, blaming me, moving the goalposts etc. Just confirmed I was making the right decision.

He is really upping the guilt trip today, saying he still heartbroken, i used to be so wonderful etc. I told him actions speak louder than words but i really really have to distance myself or he will keep trying to destabilise me. Its not even as if he wants to get back together, just wants to keep control.

yes you are right Ami, trust your instincts. Hold on to what you know is true!

Today I hit on a useful phrase for me to say to myself inside: keep your nerve, Rudolph x

Ploughing on with sums, I now have the help of my new squeeze, Harold Pinter - see AIBU thread (the first I've actually started, I think!)

bollox Harold Printer

I feel a bit scared tonight. Of him. Just wondered if there is anyone still awake?

I'm pretty sure I'm NOT in real danger. He has only ever been physically abusive twice in the past- and that wad years ago

He's just being odd

He came in at 10pm, which I didn't expect-hasnt been home for 2 days, really thought he'd be our for new year. Had a shout at me about kids playing with his stuff and went to bed. Then came and sat with me in the sitting room whilst I was watching tv. It's freaked me out- I've come to bed

Silly really, but I feel uneasy. Don't know what he's doing, I can hear him moving about

Hi Beej, hope you are ok?

do u have a phone with you? Can you lock your bedroom door?
do you have dc's in the house?

Awake for a bit if you need me

Hi, thanks for replying. I'm pretty sure I'm fine. The feeling is subsiding. I just went downstairs as it had all gone quiet- I thought he had gone out. But, he's sat watching tv. I don't understand why he's not out. He's always out and its NY. And he never sits in the same room as me.

I do get frightened of him sometimes. For no properr reason. He is supposed to be moving out. I suppose I am just a bit on edge waiting for that to happen

I wish he would either go out or go to bed, so I can relax and go to sleep lol