Support for those in abusive relationships - thread 6

[ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow]

Welcome!

This is the latest instalment in a series of threads for those who are in abusive relationships, those who have left abusive relationships, and those gearing to leave.

Come vent, share, give and receive support.

The first question you may be asking yourself as a new visitor to this thread is:

Am I being abused?
Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Financial abuse Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books
"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites
So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.

'I may have to give up Positive Illusions' - this was my biggy. I learned this strategy in my childhood - lived in Narnia instead of London suburbs! - and in a funny sort of way it has stood me in good stead. But am deffo seeing ah himself now and not my projection of how he could be.

Hello all,
I've been reading this thread and really appreciate all the support you are giving each other (and us lurkers).
I am moving out in two weeks in a flat, and we will share care of the children. Everything seems to have happened very fast. Basically I met someone at work a couple of years ago and while we haven't had an affair, I have fallen in love with him. He is just so NICE to me. And it's made me realise that NICE is what I am missing in my life.The more I read about EA the more I want to bang my head against a wall for not recognising this before.
We are going to counselling but DH thinks this is really a problem with the dynamic between us. We have another session today. DH came back from a night out last night and wasn't talking to me, and still wasn't talking to me this morning. In the past this would have upset me and I would have been trying to get him to talk about it, but now I am just smiling and acting normal and I just don't care. I am looking forward to sleeping alone and having some peace!

Life is so much more peaceful now I am no longer trying to get AH to talk about things. Even when I succeeded, I would be left full of fresh hope cos of things he said - which of course he never followed up on.

NICE. I find most men I meet are actually really nice. I don't know what to make of it really, I'm not used to it and feel a bit self-conscious. But strangely, those men closest to me (family and stbx) are frequently not nice.

Well done thebighouse - how are you coping living in a smaller place? I dread that part - we have so much stuff. Not forgetting two very tall girls.

Hello BigHouse I used to be you until I ran away to the LittleHouse . I wish I had my DC with me but it was all too hard to negotiate. I realise now I am actually afraid of my H. Me - the tough assertive leader of everything!! - afraid of such a popular helpful clever man? Ridiculous!
But there - I don't have to be in a relationship with him if I don't choose to. Whatever anyone else thinks!

horse it is very bewildering to realise how nice people are to each other. I am just beginning to see how low I set the bar for tolerable behaviour.

Have just cooked a hot spicy kedgeree with a pint of Tanglefoot to wash it down - YUM!

Rudolph - I love your tree image.

I think my part in that list is needing to stop beating myself up and focusing on solutions. I just get so paralysed... And I find it so difficult to talk about because there is nothing concrete to put down (until there is) and he is such a master twister. He ignores facts he doesn't like and actually changes some of them. I end up feeling like I need to correct several small details in each email, which makes me feel like a nag, or unable to see the big picture. Don't worry, I've long given up replying to him about my version of events but did an exercise where I pulled all of his emails into a word document just to see them over a month. He'd written a thesis - 30 pages, 10000 words. I did the same for my replies - 6 pages, and probably still too many. I even started going through it and replying in the document or naming what I thought was wrong with what he said (name calling, overly emotional, manipulative, distorting facts). It really helped me get a better grip on how pervasive it is, how constant and why it makes me feel like crap. I was trying to describe it to my brother and he summed it up nicely - its like he's putting more energy into making things hard for you than trying to work out a solution, or even just living his own life. He still sent me an email saying his preference was for me to "come home" and "work things out" six months after I left, and I have been very clear that's out of the question the whole time.

In other news, a woman at work (but at another site so who I'd only met once) was killed by her husband this week. I don't actually know her and I know it happens all the time, but damn. It scares me. I keep having these horrible images of my ex with a knife. Which is crazy because it's almost all been emotional / verbal. He just has so much rage that of course he always denied. He would stand there with clenched fists (at his sides) and jaw set but shaking and his horrible eyes .. but he would be upset if I suggested he might be angry.

Anyway, thanks for letting me vent. I know I've been mostly lurking but I'm always impressed by the strength and resourcefulness of the women on here. There is a lot we should be proud of - doing our best in horrible situations.

horsetowater I get the very subtle undermining. TF is very very good at this, Lundy calls this type the water torturer, a very damaging type of abuser.

Hissy, the book on narcissism you recommended is truly revolutionising my life! It is helping so much by allowing me to detach more and more I have just got to the bit about some narcs looking very young. Tf does. The book suggests it's because they are so detached from their bodies, that they don't 'feel', like 'the portrait of Dorian Grey" they don't seem to age physically. This fits him perfectly, all his family are like this.....

I meant it is a damaging type of abuser because the effects are so subtle and difficult to pinpoint/prove. All abusers are of course hideously damaging.

All these comments are exactly how I feel... it is reassuring knowing that it's not just me being crazy.

I also have a fists-clenched husband who denies being angry. He has a habit of hitting himself and looks like he is in a total rage about things. I feel bad that it scared me - yes, another 'strong' person scared of her husband.

That is it exactly bighouse

We ARE strong, intelligent and capable women. We have had a number done on us so we can't think straight. But once we detach, observe and use the MN ruler to measure these men against we can see them for the twisty manipulators they are.

Keep posting. You are not crazy!

Not one of us is, was, nor ever will be crazy.

Just wanted to repeat this, as I've posted it elsewhere. It's a time for me to reflect on the changes from one year to the next. The transformation is remarkable.

This time last year, for me was dismal. I knew I hated him, for everything he'd done to me, said top me and tried to hurt me with; but I knew he was leaving, he'd handed his notice in at work, and the ticket got booked.

I felt sick. Physically sick. Fearful and terrified of this monster leaving me, terrified to be on my own. As the time went on, I had that hard painful lump of a billion uncried tears practically choking me.

This year I have none of that. I am alone, I am lonely. BUT! I don't have some nasty mean minded humbug trying to piss everyone and every thing off around him.

I have the HOPE of perhaps this time next year being curled up on a sofa with someone I'm falling in love with, who loves me for everything that I am, and who desires the very best for me and my boy. There is a real chance that could happen now. I never dreamed that to be possible, but it is.

I've come a long way in such a short space of time, I know I have far to go yet, but at least now I can make that journey. I am free!

I know that this time of year is the hardest time of all, a fortnight of weekends, of forced playing at happy families. Those of you that are still stuck with their abusers, I am thinking of you all.

whats the narcissist book, Hissy???

Dunno, don't think it was me that suggested the book actually - racked my brains and came up with nothing.

My therapist suggest I read this www.amazon.co.uk/Power-Control-Charming-Dangerous-Lovers/dp/0091884322/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1324731136&sr=8-1

There is a link on the page to this book too... www.amazon.co.uk/Narcissistic-Lovers-Cope-Recover-Move/dp/0882822837/ref=pd_sim_b_4

Loving your hope, Hissy. I'm hopeful for the new year, too. Not quite brave enough to contemplate ever getting close to another man, but I'm hopeful for happiness.

The Narcissist book might be Narcissism: Denial of the True Self - Alexander Lowen Maybe it was on another thread and I can't remember who recommended it either. I bought it but haven't gotten into it yet. The start is very sympathetic to and understanding of narcissists and I need to be less understanding and get a bit tougher and more protective atm.

I have also read the book Hissy's therapist suggests. It looks at how charm itself can be manipulative, and how charming men who are also bastards behind closed doors are dangerous because their partners fear that no-one will believe them. But most of the book is already covered by Lundy Bancroft.

I've bought and read so many "so you married a bad bastard" books that I should set up a book shop. If anyone wants the Charming Man book, pm me your address. Same goes for the Lowen Narcissism and Lundy Dad Hurts Mom books when I've finished them.

Wishing you all a peaceful Christmas. Especially those of you who are facing a long holiday at home with an abusive arsehole.

I am thinking of everyone who is stuck spending Christmas with an abusive man, this time of year was particularly hard for me because of how much he would drink.

I wasn't allowed to see my family to exchange gifts last year and I got hurt a lot because of alcohol.

This year is my first Christmas in a while Without all of that and I have never been happier, it is going to be so great having my family around me. I'm sat here crying with happiness because I realise how low I was last year and how far I have come.

I don't have to be scared anymore, that's the best present I could have!

To everyone who posts on here and has posted, lurks and lurked - three christmases of walking on eggshells, waiting for the big blowup, waiting for the stonewalling, the shouting at DCs, the sabotage of what should be a happy occasion are now over.
DCs are in the bath after jumping madly all over the living room and everyone being very silly and full of giggles.
Thank you twunt for your final stupidity. We are now free of manipulation, verbal abuse, lies and physical violence.
Hope everyone who has left their abusive OH's has a peaceful time and to all those in the process of leaving, freedom from abuse is the greatest gift you can give yourself and your DCs

Happy Christmas and may you all stay safe and at peace wherever you are and whoever you are with.
I pray healing, knowledge and strength for all of us and our DCs.

xxFOOL

OK so I peaked a little too early...

Today I was mostly in bits. I mourned the loss of the hope that one day our family of 3 would be happy. Now I accept that this will never be. My days of worrying when he will kick off are over, my angst at wondering how late he'll leave it until he gets ready for us to attend x, y or z's gathering, no more.

Nevertheless, it's the death of that flicker of hope for him to one day be a decent human being that really does hurt. It just make everything feel so raw.

He called today to talk to DS. It meant a lot to DS to speak to him and at the end of the call, I thanked him for it.

He apologised over and over, told me how much of an idiot he'd been, how he needed to tell me that he'd make it up to me, no matter what, no matter how long it took. How he realises how great I was, how much I did, how valuable I was. How he owes me a whole heap of presents (told him that's OK, not to bother)

I was able to talk to him today without anger. (OK so the last time we spoke I tore him to pieces, and brought him RIGHT up to date with the fall out he's cost me emotionally)

The reason for this I think, is that I've started the dating process and am I'm detaching even more as each day goes by.

I see how other people are treated, and I really want to be able to love with my whole heart, with no fear, not shame, no worry about repercussions, I want to initiate the delicious act of making love to a real live loving person, and not just be a person that has stuff done to them, the way he wants, when he wants etc. I want fairness, equality and happiness. None of that was ever going to be possible with X.

I recommended the book on narcissism...By Alexander Lowens.

Hugs to you all.

Yes Houdini....to everything you said just there.

I have name changed a lot recently...but I'm still me!

Got this link sent to me by a new friend yesterday

Very emotional lyrics. www.lyricsfreak.com/v/van+morrison/sweet+thing_20142932.html

The bit about never growing so old again really made me cry. I really was living the most goddawful life. Onwards and upwards eh??

Happy Christmas everyone, may peace and tranquillity reign supreme.

Thanks to everyone that has helped me so much this year. I couldn't have made it this far without you.

Evening to those with time to waste spare for Mn tonight. I have been to church and fed my DC and exH and his DB and they have washed up and left me happily in my Little House sitting by the fire with a glass of Baileys.

Houdini I am a year ahead of you, as last year was my first alone, and this year I have an adoring man showing me a better way of treating those close to you. I have learned to enjoy my own company and truly cherish myself. But thanks to MN I have learned so much and navigated tricky waters. Thank-you all.

Happy Christmas too.

Your little house always sounds so cosy LittleHouse.

Had a row discussion with DD this morning re the divorce and me not agreeing with OH about settlement, but it has cleared the air. Return of DS, also a nice day out and about on my own, seeing friends and delivering their presents. And got out the nativity set and made bread sauce. Still a few things to do, but cba they will have to wait. Friend I hadn't seen for a few weeks said I looked younger.

Adding my thanks to all here, and wishing you all a peaceful Christmas, and a merry one if possible.

I have Hazelnut Baileys, so there!

My sister, who is dining with us tomorrow, said but what if XH turns up on the doorstep and expects to be invited in? (She is not afraid of XH as such, more like allergic.) I assured her I would have no difficulty in saying no. However, if he does drop round to see the DCs, especially if presents are involved, I would feel a bit bad telling him to get to the far side of you-know-where. Would still do it, mind you, but would feel like a heel.

Well, sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof. He may not turn up at all. We have a tree full of parcels, a fridge full of goodies and a house full of the Right Sort of People, so it should be good.