Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

logging my movements

56 replies

gracehedley · 27/10/2011 12:07

Have initiated divorce proceedings, H would rather it didn't happen and very resentful/unhappy/motivated by revenge. Usual wranglings over money and care of our child ... turns out he has been keeping a record of every time I have been out socially for the last year at least, in an effort to prove I am irresponsible/negligent mother Shock and therefore our son (age 6) should not live with me. I have been going out with friends one or two evenings a week and also keen runner so maybe 3 times a week running also - all recorded on his spreadsheet Shock ... would this carry any weight - I mean would solicitors/courts etc take notice of this? Completely alarmed he when he told me about it. He has no social life really so the difference between us is very marked. All comments and advice welcomed Smile

OP posts:
ArtVandelay · 27/10/2011 12:11

No advice but just wanted to say how awful he sounds. I'm sure someone will be along with some advice soon, that sounds very controlling and abnormal and doesn't paint him in a good light at all! A spreadsheet!

troisgarcons · 27/10/2011 12:17

Everso slightly stalker-ish isn't it?

And if I were you, I'd be telling my solicitor he has been stalking you.

Who had your child when you were out? I assume you went out on the nights he had your child? And/or had a reliable baby sitter. So it's never going to come into the equation.

Unless you are getting totally wasted, shooting up heroin and are periodically photo'd a-la-Daily-Mail style vomiting in the street at 3am with your knickers on your head, then I'd say he's just beinga complete stalkery arse.

Anyway FWIW I wasn't aware divorce meant sack cloth and ashes.

Anyway - have you got a copy of this spreadsheet? take it to your solicitor. Whilst Im feeling wildly dramatic, have an injunction taken out against him for stalker-y nut-job-ish-ness!

workedoutforthebest · 27/10/2011 12:20

So, in him keeping this spreadsheet, is he saying that he wants to have custody of your ds or is he wanting child to go into care? The courts may well look at the spreadsheet and die of boredom but they will also take a lot of other things into account, as well.

Do you personally think that the time you have spent away from your child is excessive? If not, then don't let him bully you.

Anniegetyourgun · 27/10/2011 12:24

My XH had been keeping notes of that kind on me since before we were married, I found out shortly before the divorce came through. It was quite a shock.

He also put down a load of stuff on the counter-petition which was true as far as it went, but gave a misleading picture that painted me as a bit of a jet-setter. The court just wasn't interested.

bellsring · 27/10/2011 12:28

Presumably, you are leaving your dc with a responsible babysitter/H and not doing drugs/drinking yourself into oblivion/getting into fights......

If you are being responsible with socialising, then - is this all he can come up with to make you out to be an 'unfit' mother?

TechnoViking · 27/10/2011 12:30

I'm sure it will be used to try and convince you not to get divorced. Like a "I'll use this against you".

In reality, would he really want DC custody full time? I'll bet he wouldn't want 24/7 care of DC, as it would get in the way or work and any prospective social life he may want.

gracehedley · 27/10/2011 12:31

Thanks all, dreadful isn't it! No I don't feel like I have spent excessive time out of the house, and no Daily Mail style high jinx, although have spent more time out lately as atmosphere at home is v bad. I do most of the school runs and only work 3.5 days a week so do spend a lot of time with our son. Have never left the child alone - only with H - and I always say, if you want to go out at the w/e, just say, and I will stay here to look after him ... but he never does ... got to spend time updating his spreadsheet hasn't he Grin

OP posts:
troisgarcons · 27/10/2011 12:45

Are you still in the same house?

Ask him to leave.

SolidGoldVampireBat · 27/10/2011 12:48

Log all his bad behaviours, too. Not as a way of scoring points ie don't tell him that you are doing so, but keep records of any verbal or physical abuse or unreasonable behaviour.
And concentrate on getting him out of the house or moving out with your DS. Remember you do not need his permission to end the relationship and your social life is none of his business.

gracehedley · 27/10/2011 12:48

oh yes, he won't leave until he has got some £££ from the divorce. Just awful situation.

OP posts:
ParsleyTheLioness · 27/10/2011 12:51

grace. He's just making himself look like a stalkerish arse...it may even go in your favour from the point of view of you deserve a medal for not murdering him in his be... wouln't worry. Easier said than done though...mine likes to see what I'v e been up to on Mumsnet (waves at pig husband).Take advice, but would be surprised if he would be taken seriously.

gracehedley · 27/10/2011 12:54

Yes, but he would say it is his business when he is left to babysit 2 or 3 times a week. Though I would happily do the same for him but he chooses to stay at home.

OP posts:
gracehedley · 27/10/2011 12:55

Thanks all. At times I do start to doubt myself and think hmmmm, does he have a point???

OP posts:
troisgarcons · 27/10/2011 13:01

Well one could argue the point that the atmosphere is so bad that you feel obliged to go out for your sanity

gracehedley · 27/10/2011 13:09

That's about right actually troisgarcons

OP posts:
garlicBreathZombie · 27/10/2011 13:16

I'm picturing you and Mr Hedley sitting around the judge's table. H brings out his spreadsheet, which shows you keep fit and have friends. "Hmm," says the judge, "What do you say to this, Mrs Hedley?"
"I think it shows I'm healthy and normal," you say, "Though I'm not sure what it says about the person who created it."
Grin

noir · 27/10/2011 13:21

But he's not 'babysitting' is he? He is parenting his own kids, like I assume you do when he's out at work or whatever. His spreadsheet basically proves that you share responsibility for your kids - OH THE HORROR! I think he's scoring an own goal.

YougreatPumpkinmousse · 27/10/2011 13:21

Grace - surely he isn't babysitting he is looking after his son? Isn't that part of his duty as a father?

YougreatPumpkinmousse · 27/10/2011 13:22

x-posted with Noir.

troisgarcons · 27/10/2011 13:29

twatery - that my new word for the day.

He is committing cardinal twattery. So there!

So looking after your own health (ie running) is child neglect now is it? Whilst couch-potatoing with a spread sheet is new improved form of parent craft? Righty-ho!

SolidGoldVampireBat · 27/10/2011 13:33

Does he want custody, or shared custody, or just wants to get some Big Daddy of a judge to give you a telling off for not being an obedient little wifey? And is he abusive or just a knob?

workedoutforthebest · 27/10/2011 13:58

Spreadsheet or spreadshit

Grin
ShroudOfHamsters · 27/10/2011 14:06

Oh dear. A bit of an own goal, I fear.

Keeping a spreadsheet on your movements? Yes, pretty agressive, weird, stalkerish behaviour.

He's going to make himself look controlling, unreasonable, aggressive. Trying to make out that you are - what? Going for a run to keep fit? That you have friends? Erm...

I wouldn't worry about it, but now that you know about it, if you wanted to make absolutely sure that you spike his guns on this one, talk about it to your solicitor. Tell them how intimidated and stalked this makes you feel. You could also innocently draw up your own very basic account of time spent, which of course takes into account the fact that you work part-time, that you do pick-ups, that you spend time (presumably) investing in your child's social life, etc. All the things he doesn't do... Just in the interests of working out if he has a point, of course.

I can picture you now, sadly pointing out that throughout the entire relationship, you of course were at pains to make sure that the family had other adult friends, for the sake of your son's social development as much as anything else. Given the strange, friendless, stalkerish, intense behaviour of his father, who by contrast never socialised or had adult friends of his own, the court will understand that you worked very hard to maintain some normality for your child...

ShroudOfHamsters · 27/10/2011 14:08

Meant to say - of you tell your sol about this, how it makes you feel, if they're any good, they'll have a field day with it - they'll have no problem turning this behaviour right back around on him as grounds for an injunction!

Not what Stalkertwat has in mind, bless him...

ImperialBlether · 27/10/2011 14:13

What the hell is wrong with going out for a run or to see friends if the atmosphere in the home is dreadful?

If you were going out and leaving your child alone, then obviously that's something he should have dealt with at the time, not waited for a court case to be heard.

You, though, were going out and leaving HIM alone. Why the hell would you want to stay in with someone like that?

You could also say that you wanted the relationship between him and the child to be strong, so went out to allow that to develop.

He really is an idiot.