If you realise who I am please don't out me.
My life has become like an episode of eastenders and I am really struggling with what to do next.
Sorry this is long
I have been with dh since I was 18. married now for 12 years (I'm 41). we have 5 children. Marriage was ok I would say. We would have always said we were soul mates, but there were issues for a long time. These revolved around dh being obsessed with work, although he was the one that said I had the problems with it not him. He has always been a workaholic and it did cause problems - him not phoning to say when he was coming back, working late, never being home to pick up the children, getting very stressed about it. He didn't take paternity leave with any of the children (too busy), wouldn't take all of his holidays, and would be tied to the blackberry all the time.
His other problem was/is his severe lack of organisation. He would frequently forget to pay bills. This caused me huge stress as it meant we would get bailliffs turning up, he has a bad credit record, and most recently nearly got made bankrupt over failing to pay his tax. It was very stressful. This also showed itself in the fact he got or nearly got the sack from work several times over the last 20 years by being so bad with admin. In his line of work (lawyer) it was critical that he didn't miss deadlines, but he often did. After the first sacking he promised he would get help over this, but didn't.
He was always a lovely guy though. I knew he loved me, would always put the children first. He was caring, funny and loving. He loved being a father and was extremely hands on. This has changed dramatically over the last few months.
I can't put all of our history in here, but the last few months have been tough: In feb 2010 I had a very traumatic miscarriage. I was bluelighted to hospital, had the foetus wrenched out of me with forceps. Lost loads of blood and became very anaemic. it was awful and I struggled for a long time afterwards. He was little support, going back to work on day 2, being on the phone in the hospital etc. I found the next few months very difficult, was probably depressed, and probably got a bit obssessed with ttc. We had a very difficult time and I would say we were both depressed - he was unsupportive of me and looking back there were incidents where he was extremely horrible to me. I thought we both thought that it was a horrible time but that we would get through it.
This year in April, we were thinking about moving back to London as I was working there. dh then was sacked from his job and could only find another job in London. We speeded up the move to London as we could see little choice. I began to have severe misgivings about it, but he assured me that it was the best thing, and we could give it a go for a year or so. I have left friends, family and a house in the town we lived in.
Due to the nightmare of applying for schools etc, we ended up moving at different times. I moved up first, him and the children a few weeks later. Over the summer I suffered another mc (early this time) and he didn't even visit me. I was very hurt and things began to fall apart. I told him to stay at his mum's so he did. He said he had to start work early in his new job and couldn't come on holiday with me and the children (he was obssessed with losing clients). I went on my own. I discovered I was pg again while I was there (from a stupid one off shag).
Since earlier this year his behaviour has changed dramatically, although it has been 100 times worst for the last few months. He thinks nothing of sitting saying the vilest things to me while I sob in front of the children. If he is stressed/tired/fed up he will attack me verbally for hours. I remember going to a dinner party with friends and dh just put me down constantly in front of them all. I felt completely humiliated. He said later it was because he was angry with me. I didn't know why at the time.
He is very weird after such events, I will cry for ages (I do not cry easily), and usually go to bed. He behaves the next day as though everything is fine. kissing me, and talking normally. I am left baffled as to what he is thinking. If challenged, he will say he was annoyed/angry (about something, often unconnected to me, but which becomes my fault in some way), and I will not be able to see what happened to cause the incident. I am left on perpetual tenterhooks that I will do/say something (or something else will happen) to trigger an abusive episode.
I have suffered hyperemisis and am on medication - extremely ill. (I was so desperate I considered termination, I just didn't know what to do). He will call me the most awful names, fat, lazy, dirty. He has frequently over the past few months told me that I am a nightmare and that no one else will ever have me. that his friends think he has been mad to stick with me. etc etc
He moved out again a couple of weeks ago, but has told everyone that I have thrown him out. technically I have, but the only choice is for me to be a nervous wreck while he verbally abuses me. Most recently he went into my email account and saw an email I had sent to my sister in desperation asking her for help. He went absolutely mad. Started on about what a bad mother I am, how I'm neglecting the children.
I honestly don't know what I have done to deserve being abused so regularly - he says such vile things that I am left in no doubt that he absolutely hates me. He now says that I deserve this treatment for 20 years of crap that he has gone through.
I don't know whether to move back to my old town. I have a house, family, friends there. The children know it, although there won't be places at their schools yet. I am meanwhile stuck in London with no one. I have no friends here, no family, and I won't be able to afford to buy/rent anywhere. I don't want to rent forever anyway. I am worried about how I will cope on my own with a newborn and 5 children. I am getting scared every time I see dh as I think he just hates me so much. I honestly don't know what I have done to deserve such vitriol. I am just so alone I don't know what to do.
Sorry this is so long. My life has completely spiralled out of control recently and I don't know what to do.