Please advise, marriage break up, it's like a soap opera and I don't know what to do next - sorry this is really long

[BeattieBow]

If you realise who I am please don't out me.

My life has become like an episode of eastenders and I am really struggling with what to do next.

Sorry this is long

I have been with dh since I was 18. married now for 12 years (I'm 41). we have 5 children. Marriage was ok I would say. We would have always said we were soul mates, but there were issues for a long time. These revolved around dh being obsessed with work, although he was the one that said I had the problems with it not him. He has always been a workaholic and it did cause problems - him not phoning to say when he was coming back, working late, never being home to pick up the children, getting very stressed about it. He didn't take paternity leave with any of the children (too busy), wouldn't take all of his holidays, and would be tied to the blackberry all the time.

His other problem was/is his severe lack of organisation. He would frequently forget to pay bills. This caused me huge stress as it meant we would get bailliffs turning up, he has a bad credit record, and most recently nearly got made bankrupt over failing to pay his tax. It was very stressful. This also showed itself in the fact he got or nearly got the sack from work several times over the last 20 years by being so bad with admin. In his line of work (lawyer) it was critical that he didn't miss deadlines, but he often did. After the first sacking he promised he would get help over this, but didn't.

He was always a lovely guy though. I knew he loved me, would always put the children first. He was caring, funny and loving. He loved being a father and was extremely hands on. This has changed dramatically over the last few months.

I can't put all of our history in here, but the last few months have been tough: In feb 2010 I had a very traumatic miscarriage. I was bluelighted to hospital, had the foetus wrenched out of me with forceps. Lost loads of blood and became very anaemic. it was awful and I struggled for a long time afterwards. He was little support, going back to work on day 2, being on the phone in the hospital etc. I found the next few months very difficult, was probably depressed, and probably got a bit obssessed with ttc. We had a very difficult time and I would say we were both depressed - he was unsupportive of me and looking back there were incidents where he was extremely horrible to me. I thought we both thought that it was a horrible time but that we would get through it.

This year in April, we were thinking about moving back to London as I was working there. dh then was sacked from his job and could only find another job in London. We speeded up the move to London as we could see little choice. I began to have severe misgivings about it, but he assured me that it was the best thing, and we could give it a go for a year or so. I have left friends, family and a house in the town we lived in.

Due to the nightmare of applying for schools etc, we ended up moving at different times. I moved up first, him and the children a few weeks later. Over the summer I suffered another mc (early this time) and he didn't even visit me. I was very hurt and things began to fall apart. I told him to stay at his mum's so he did. He said he had to start work early in his new job and couldn't come on holiday with me and the children (he was obssessed with losing clients). I went on my own. I discovered I was pg again while I was there (from a stupid one off shag).

Since earlier this year his behaviour has changed dramatically, although it has been 100 times worst for the last few months. He thinks nothing of sitting saying the vilest things to me while I sob in front of the children. If he is stressed/tired/fed up he will attack me verbally for hours. I remember going to a dinner party with friends and dh just put me down constantly in front of them all. I felt completely humiliated. He said later it was because he was angry with me. I didn't know why at the time.

He is very weird after such events, I will cry for ages (I do not cry easily), and usually go to bed. He behaves the next day as though everything is fine. kissing me, and talking normally. I am left baffled as to what he is thinking. If challenged, he will say he was annoyed/angry (about something, often unconnected to me, but which becomes my fault in some way), and I will not be able to see what happened to cause the incident. I am left on perpetual tenterhooks that I will do/say something (or something else will happen) to trigger an abusive episode.

I have suffered hyperemisis and am on medication - extremely ill. (I was so desperate I considered termination, I just didn't know what to do). He will call me the most awful names, fat, lazy, dirty. He has frequently over the past few months told me that I am a nightmare and that no one else will ever have me. that his friends think he has been mad to stick with me. etc etc

He moved out again a couple of weeks ago, but has told everyone that I have thrown him out. technically I have, but the only choice is for me to be a nervous wreck while he verbally abuses me. Most recently he went into my email account and saw an email I had sent to my sister in desperation asking her for help. He went absolutely mad. Started on about what a bad mother I am, how I'm neglecting the children.

I honestly don't know what I have done to deserve being abused so regularly - he says such vile things that I am left in no doubt that he absolutely hates me. He now says that I deserve this treatment for 20 years of crap that he has gone through.

I don't know whether to move back to my old town. I have a house, family, friends there. The children know it, although there won't be places at their schools yet. I am meanwhile stuck in London with no one. I have no friends here, no family, and I won't be able to afford to buy/rent anywhere. I don't want to rent forever anyway. I am worried about how I will cope on my own with a newborn and 5 children. I am getting scared every time I see dh as I think he just hates me so much. I honestly don't know what I have done to deserve such vitriol. I am just so alone I don't know what to do.

Sorry this is so long. My life has completely spiralled out of control recently and I don't know what to do.

he's a salaried partner in an LLP. he has no assets apart from the house. Which I want by the way. (that's all I want from him). He has no pension or savings.

I have been in contact with a family lawyer and will phone her tomorrow. I don't have much money at the moment though and will need to work out how to afford this all.

Be strong, BeattieBow - your older kids aren't tiny toddlers any more.....they know who prepares their meals and makes sure they have clean uniform. I think they know that while they may have a few fun outings with their dad, ultimately you are the parent who takes care of them. Even if they don't articulate it. Don't let him ruin the bond you have with your kids.

Make sure your lawyer helps you to take him to the cleaners, I mean, get him to pay up fully for child maintenance - you should get both the house as well as maintenance. Bringing up 5 children costs a lot of money. It's tempting to just ask for a tiny sum at this stage or just the home, but in fact you could get more - and you will need more - for bringing up the children.

Yes, I agree, he could well be having an affair, as well as having a breakdown or midlife crisis. Either way, he's shirking his responsibilities as well as being vile to you. He'll have to face up to his responsibilities.

Are you able to make day trips into London with the kids or have you resettled somewhere very, very far away? That might make the weekends a bit more pleasant. Otherwise you could go to London on a Saturday and stay overnight, then return on Sunday.

Sounds from your posts that you would be happier moving to London. Support of family or friends or both is very important to parents and families. One can't live in isolation. Why not consider moving when the school year ends - it may seem a long way away, but the fact is that time will fly past very quickly, and while you are sorting out other things to do with finances, etc you can also look around at different kinds of accommodation. It will be less disruptive to their education to move during school holidays, and also gives you time to get all the children a school or nursery place.

thanks Kipper. Have been up since 4 or thereabouts (which is becoming a common occurence with me).

I need to sort out finances. I am going to phone the solicitor today and find out what I'm entitled to

I think I'm probably entitled to benefits too - I need to find out about those. I've just done an online calculator thingy and it suggests I'm entitled to Child tax credits, council tax allowance and housing benefit (not sure about the last one as we do have the other house). Can I speak to a physical person/organisation to find out what I'm entitled to?

I think I will probably wait until next summer to move back unless things get really unbearable- I think that's when school places would be available anyway(i am now in touch with our old school). I have applied for secondary school places for dd1 in both London and the other town, although strangely schools are better in London.

I need to move out of this horrible flat into something that is bigger and more comfortable. I'm currently sleeping in the sitting room as there aren't enough bedrooms (we moved here for the secondary catchment). so I've emailed the Landlord asking for a copy of the lease so I can see when I can issue notice.

In the meantime it's my 12 week scan this week, and if that goes ok I'm going to start telling people about my predicament. It's all a mess I'd never thought I'd see myself in but I need to start sorting it out.

Good move on getting organised about the benefits. But agree with kipper above that you should get your solicitor to turn the heat on your husband, who will need to pay up for his kids and not just cover the fun stuff.

Are you definitely decided on going ahead with the current pregnancy? Please don't be offended if you totally are - it was just a thought given that you are still pretty early on and all this is so traumatic. But either way you will be fine once this idiot is kept at arm's length.

I did think seriously about terminating, but decided against it. I am very prochoice, but just didn't think this was a good enough reason (for me)to terminate. Having said that, I am also very high risk for miscarriage, so there is a reasonably high chance I could lose the baby (have 12 weeks scan this week). also will re-think my views on terminating for serious disability (more than Downs syndrome). I wouldn't have done so before but will need to think about the other children if I have to face that. But one step at a time!

I am feeling very positive today about carrying on without gitface and about screwing him for every penny. Have also told him to get a flat this week so that he can take some responsibility for his children. I am gearing myself up for emailing his mum - she will help him out with the deposit if he says he doesn't have enough money (which will be his excuse for staying in the lovely batchelor pad in Maida Vale).

Have had a lovely morning with the children too - was very organised (we were all up early in the end!), sorted out everything, sat with dd3 and did spellings, and had a lovely walk with the girls to school. Also rose above my feelings for gitface and have arranged for children to go trick or treating with them tonight like they want. I am feeling very positive that I can do this without him!.

Good news that he's a salaried partner; should be no risk to you there. Agree with the others that you need to make sure he's financially responsible (with you) for the children.

Don't be embarressed to claim any benefits you are entitled to - this is what you've paid tax for! Why not go to the local CAB and ask them to help you sort out what you and the children are enttiled to.

Good luck with your scan!

have made an appointment with a solicitor! The partner there who I spoke to sounded fab (although I can't afford to see her and am seeing her assistant). She thinks he is having an affair . Anyway, she is on my side to bleed him dry!

I now need to think about benefits and whether I can get housing benefit - which one website seemed to think I could. One of my biggest worries is being stranded in London with no money.

I think you're doing the right thing, how could you not be? Nobody could live with someone putting them down and verbally abusing them on a day to day basis and of course you don't want your kids exposed to that.

It does sound like he is having some sort of breakdown or depression.. but it's up to him to deal with it. You don't owe him anything when he is being so vile.

And I know it's easy to say, "who cares what people think?" but I know it would mean a lot. Have honest (but calm if possible) discussions with your family and close friends if you're worried about what they're saying/ have been told. They love you and will want to be on your side/help you. If you're honest and to the point then they will realise the truth I'm sure. Talk to those you trust the most. You need some support, whether that's by email or on the phone. Just try not to go down the " out and out slagging" route with too many people, try and be the dignified and adult one and people will respect you even more - although with your family and closest friends, you are allowed to break down you know, they're there to support you and care for you.

You can talk to the CAB about benefits etc, and I'm sure the solicitor will be a great help, you go for it!!

Where abouts in London are you?

I'm in N London. I'm trying to be dignified about it. i haven't told many people (who know me) yet - will have to tell most of them I'm pregnant at the same time! I didn't know he'd met up with our mutual friends/acquaintances and started talking. I will try and be dignified.

Am slighty pissed off with my familly - not one of them has phoned me, especially over the weekend. You'd have thought they would wonder how I am after breaking up with someone that I've been with for 20 years?! anyhow that's by the by.

I also am wondering about whether he's got another woman. Weeks ago I suspected this as he really seemed to have detached and sort of moved on. I suppose I'll find out sometime.

funny how you move from feeling really feisty and angry to feeling a bit sad all in the space of a few hours.

I think that's all part of the mourning of a relationship and the person you thought he was.

Start out by talking to one or two friends, the word will soon spread!

Talk to your family too, maybe they think you're strong and can cope, or maybe they think it's a temporary blip? Try not to push them away, I'm sure he'd love that!

I hope your scan goes well, are you going on your own?

Have you called Womens Aid yet beattie? They really are wonderful, the experts - emotional as well as practical support.

I hope you have a good GP because I think s/he needs to know what has been happening. You'll need as much support as possible in the coming months. You said you were up at 4, which is usual for you - is that the kids waking you up or you? If it's you (stress, overthinking) then you may benefit from some anti-depressant meds while you're going through this nightmare (it's ok to take anti-d's when pg). Look after yourself beattie, you need to keep your strength up - make sure you eat and sleep etc properly, if you can.

Don't believe him about the kids being messed up if you blah blah (whatever it is - abusers use any excuse to batter you with) - it isn't true. My ex did all this. It's not true. You need to get yourself safe and if going home is the best for you then you must do it. imo you must get out of his orbit.

Good luck with your scan tomorrow sweetie.

just an update - I have had the scan and it's (fingers crossed) all fine.

I also want to know whether Womens Aid do counselling? I thought I read on here that they do, and it would be very nice to get someone who believes me! I really feel that H has won everybody over.

And (sorry I posted this on the abuse thread too). this is what happened yesterday.

I have a question about what is normal for abuse. On Sat I saw Dh he was lovely. i started to think "oh this isn't so bad" and for a moment I recognised the him that I fell in love with. Perhaps fortunately, on Sunday it all changed. Within a few minutes of him arriving (Sunday is his day to have the dcs) it became apparent he was in a foul mood. he takes the dds to their swimming lesson on Sunday morning. now it was early, and I had got them breakfast, done their teeth, hair and got them dressed with their swimming costumes underneath. they had shoes on, and the swimming bags were ready. but when he arrived they were sitting watching cbeebies and were whinging a bit. It always takes us a while to get out of the door by the way. I was daring to be eating some cereal (had been up 3 hours, have terrible morning sickness that is only alleviated by eating, and had to go into work. So on getting her scooter, dd3 fell down.

"get off the fucking floor" said dh. (I mean really does anyone think it's aceeptable to speak to a 6 year old like this?)

Perhaps foolishly I then said "oh what a good father"

In response he said to me, in front of the dds (aged 6 and 8) and ds2 (aged 3) "you are such a fucking lazy bitch" and "you live in a fucking pigsty". I found it very upsetting.

later on I asked him 1. whether he thought it was acceptable to speak to me like that and 2. whether he thought it was acceptable to say those things in front of/to the dcs. his excuse basically was that I had made him angry. I had made him come early (when we had discussed swimming lessons etc), I hadn't got the children ready and I was sitting down. He really honestly seems to think that it was my fault that he spoke to us all like that. That it is caused by me. A further excuse is that because I threw him out, he isn't sleeping well, so he is tired, so it is ok to speak to the children like that. This isn't normal is it?

It isn't normal for a human being. However placing all the blame on you does seem normal for an abuser.

If you need to talk to your family, call them, they may be unsure how to approach you.

Don't take on the guilt he tries to lay on you. In Freudian terms it is probably projection, he is trying to push onto you any guilt he should be feeling (especially if he is having an affair).

Do try to get it so he doesn't have a chance to get at you at hand overs. Be ready as if he was another parent just giving the kids a lift.

No Beattie, it is absolutely not normal.

It is not your fault that he gets angry, it is his responsibility to control his anger. This man has no self control. He speaks to you like this because he thinks he has a God given right to. Not only is he being abusive towards you but he is being abusive to his children too. I wonder how he treats them when he is alone with them. He has no respect for you whatsoever so, you have to be strong and find enough self respect for yourself to stop this from happening to you. If this were me I would not have this man coming into my home. I wouldn't give him the opportunity to speak to me in this way.

Women's Aid do have counsellors and they also have floating support workers. They helped me tremendously and I am sure you would find strength and comfort from having them onside so please do give them a ring. Also, make sure you tell your solicitor everything, including how he speaks to his children.

Not only have I said that I won't see him anymore. I've also stopped him seeing the children at all until he gets some kind of help. He says I'm being totally unreasonable, but I've put my foot down.

2 of my girls wet the bed last night . I'm crying as I'm posting this. I can't believe what an utter bastard he has become.

I truly think he has gone mad. (my eldest is nearly 13 and I do not remember him ever talking to them or me in this way in the past).

How dare he. What an absolute bastard.

Some people may say it is unreasonable of you to stop him seeing the children and usually I would agree. Not now though. You have no idea as to his mental state and if he cant hold it together in front of them when you are there then you have no confidence that he can when he is on his own with them.

See the solicitor, tell the lovely Assistant Solicitor absolutely everything, even if they dont write it all down it will go in, and make your plans to go home.

Call your family (yes they should have called you but families are odd) and tell them you need them. Call friends too and tell them what is going on, it helps to get it all out there. You need support so you can support your children.

I hope when you move you move back to near some lovely mumsnetters.

Well I would say it isn't acceptable to speak like this. He has been unreasonable in his expectations (all dcs ready, no issue in them being ready to go etc...) and unreasonnable to think his anger is anybody's fault part from his.

However I can see how being more tired than usual can make one person more prone to anger than usual. What is interresting is that he wasn't angry on Saturday but was on the Sunday when he had the full responsability of the dcs on his own .