My mum's coming to visit in 3 hours, I just want to cry :(

[MrsHuxtable]

We don't really get on. She's not a horrible person (I wish because then I could just stop talking to her) but very destructive and passive aggresive. She's messed my childhood and consequently my adult me up big time and I have come to the realisation that she's simply toxic.

I can't get myself to show affection to anyone in front of her. I even cancelled my originally planned wedding and got married with just a few friends because I knew I wouldn't turn up if she was there.

Now I'm 6months pregnant and she has more or less invited herself from abroad to come and stay with me for 10 days. I'm signed off sick so have no chance to escape her. I don't want her to see me with a bump and I certainly can't deal with her touching it.

She will be here in 3 hours. I really really don't know how to get through the next 10 days. She has no boundaries.

Wow, Are you my sister?

Read up on Borderline Personality Disorder.

Keep ignoring, if you haven't the energy to argue keep saying "you are mad" in your head, smile and agree.

Can I offer you a and some (flowers) and say that I don't know how you're putting up with her!

Re name - I presume you've told her that 'this is the name' - have you said to her that the fact that she dislikes it is not something that you want to hear? Something along the lines of 'DH and I have agreed to call our baby that, I do not appreciate you telling me how much you don't like it, and there's no point in suggesting alternatives becuase its already decided'.

I think that you're going to have to stop feeling responsible for her - she's made her bed - she has plenty of relatives where she lives, so don't think you need to keep up the contact with this person who cares so little for you.

MrsH, dont just ' stop looking for rational explanations of what I'm doing wrong' ...stop caring about what she thinks, pi$$ her off as much as possible even, get her out of your hair!

She's the ultimate manipulator and has no awareness about her own actions, it's all about her.

Read about Narcissism too.

I think you need to sit her down and tell her exactly everything you have told us here.
Give her one last chance to try to understand how her behaviour, both in your childhood and now, has affected you.
Tell her that you feel her behaviour is upsetting and somewhat unreasonable. Tell her that her actions are causing her to be unloved and that she needs to have a think about what she wants out of relationships with friends and family and how she could achieve that.

Then tell her that she is more than welcome to think here, on your sofa, or at home. But that either way things cannot continue as they are. Tell her that she is your mum, and you want a relationship with her. But that she needs to be willing to work at it too.

With that, walk away. Sit with your dh, read a book, don't engage. Let her think.

She will probably have a hissy fit and bustle out of the flat in a cloud of 'woe is me' steam.
But you will feel better. You will have been honest, reasonable and you have left the door open for her to come back to you and work at your relationship.

Good luck.

I know it's a bit early in the day and your pg but have a virtual !

She sounds as mad as a box of frogs, frankly, and if you can't tell her straight that this is Just How It Is, then let her go home. Call her bluff on it. Because I would not and could not have someone like that staying in my home, mother or not. :( and for you, having that poison in your atmosphere.

UnMNly (((hugs))) for you.

I am wondering how you are getting on with everything? I have had a very similar experience with my mother, she was in and out of psychiatric wards when I was a teenager and I ended up having a nervous breakdown and four months of treatment in a psychiatric unit myself. Things were so bad I took an overdose and used to cut myself regularly with pieces of ripped up coke cans. When I got myself together I moved 200 miles away and went to university, did very well there (1st class hons!!) despite having got low grades in my A-Levels (though I was lucky to get any A-Levels to be honest with all that going on).

We've had a very difficult relationship for a number of years as I find it very difficult to forgive and forget and she will not say sorry or take any responsibility for what happened to me when I was a dependant.

Her version of events is that I was a difficult teenager who pushed her over the edge. (I was a straight A student who didn't drink, smoke or have boyfriends!!) Also she used to blame me for the breakdown of her marriage (it went sour when they had a baby after 13 years of happy marriage) etc.

When I had my own baby last year things were very hard for me as I could not understand how my mum had said those things to me as I would not say anything like that to my baby. However as time progressed and I got tired and depressed at being a new mum and my partner and I were rowing a lot I did get a greater understanding of her feelings and situation.

We have now reached a mid-ground where I see her for a few hours every couple of weeks (we live about an hour apart now). She has actually turned out to be a good grandma and my little boy loves her and loves spending time with her, which has helped my relationship with her.

I have realised that a lot of the shitty things she has said to me over the years is because she has trouble expressing emotions in the correct way so for example when she was worried about me when I was pregnant it would come out as a comment about my weight, rather than just asking if I was eating properly etc.

However I've also realised that if she goes unchecked she will get away with murder so I don't let her get away with stuff like I used to. I try not to do this in an aggressive way but rather in a jokey way to diffuse any potential row and not to end up in a slanging match as I have done for years previously. This works well and means that I don't get upset and also that she gets to spend time with her grandson and him with her.

Your mum would not be coming all that way to see you if she didn't care about you. She may not know how to get along with you in an appropriate way once she does get there, but that is the part you both have to work on.

Shutting her out completely wouldn't work, in my opinion, as you will just have to live with the guilt. Better to try to find some middle ground. I usually meet my mum in town and go for a nice meal then she can't criticise the state of the house etc

I hope you manage to get some NHS counselling as it is generally very good these days and hope you manage to find some middle ground with your mum. Best of luck.

You're giving her too much information which to her is just ammunition. Don't discuss baby names, your family, your father, your marriage, anything that can be used against you. Next time she says she needs to go home, say okay then and offer to get her ticket changed for her AND THEN DO IT.

Also, everyone who is saying things like "just cut her out of your life" has, I suspect, not much experience of a situation like this. It is very hard to cut someone out of your life when they are your flesh and blood. You would forever be feeling guilty, especially if that person has a way of making you feel guilty. Much better to try to find some middle ground.

Can you keep her busy when she is staying with you, will she help with cleaning, ironing etc? That would give you chance to put your feet up and make her feel useful and keep her out of your hair.

Not sure how you deal with the stuff about the beatings as that didn't happen to me (though I did get smacked a lot as a small child, but it's not the same as what you describe). Have you considered going to counselling together? Although this would be difficult if you are in different countries. Also I know I would never get my mother to counselling, but this is definitely something you should do.

You don't have to lie to her about needing time out either, just be assertive - "right I'm off to Morrisons now to do some shopping, you can have some time to yourself at home" etc. She will get the message, without you needing to tell her to F* off! The more aggressive you get with her, the more she will come back at you, don't go round in that circle, do something to break it.

The person above is right, just keep conversations as neutral as you can and lightweight - the weather, the tv etc, steer away from anything personal (you don't have the sort of relationship where you can confide in her) or contentious such as politics, religion.

I feel so sorry for you. This is potentially a very happy but also a possibly very stressful/emotional time for any woman. You sound like you have done so well to build loving relationships and make a good life for yourself so do not let your mother spoil this.
My own mother had many 'issues' which made for a difficult upbringing but I soon realised when I grew up that you cannot be responsible for someone elses happiness.
Anyone can become a mother but behaving like a mother is a whole other journey which she has failed to take.
Try and let go off any guilt or responsibilty you feel towards her. SHE IS NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY.
For your new baby make yourself as happy as you can be and let go of anything that doesn't enhance your life. Your mother will never change but you can change the effect she has on you but only by not having her in your life. Don't be emotionally blackmailed.
Good Luck

You are doing brilliantly. It took me a long time to accept that I didn't have the mother/daughter relationship with my mother that I wanted. I kept hoping that things would change and I see how differently my sister is treated (I'm a scapegoat child). It feels like a loss - mourning the relationship that I wished I had.

You don't have the ability (nor the responsibility) to fix your mother, nobody does but her. There is a reason that, even in her home town, she is lonely (and dare I say, this is probably the reason your father left).

Calling her bluff might subdue her a bit - when she says about going home, you say "pass me your ticket and I'll phone the airline for you", it might make her start to realise that you're not going to be emotionally blackmailed by her anymore. However, any changes in your behaviour will trigger a response from her that may make things worse in the short time. A great book for personal relationships (and I think it is also available as an audiobook on iTunes) is The Dance Of Anger by Harriet Lerner - I re-read regularly and it helps me to preserve my self-worth.

I have a mother who is still very bitter about her divorce from my father 30 years ago. Like yours she is convinced she was a great mother and everything was my father's fault. In fact so much rang true for me in your posts that I wondered briefly if you were my sister!

Anyway. A couple of coping strategies I have : If she starts bitching about your Dad/ half siblings just say flatly 'I'm not interested in talking about that. It was a long time ago' and change the subject. Repeat ad nauseam, if necessary.
If she says something rude, don't say anything. Let her words drop into a big silence, then change the subject- the bigger the change of subject, the better, ime.
Laugh at her if she's rude (if you can). If you can also couple this with something like 'Ooh you're rude aren't you?' (like you might with a small child), all the better.

The main thing is to practice saying things until it's second nature. The other thing is to remind yourself that she is the rude/unpleasant/unreasonable one, not you- no matter what she might say to the contrary. You've alreay made a great start-keep it up.

When she's gone (and she will go, eventually!), look again into counselling.

Good luck.

OP you don't need her permission, acceptance or approval....so don't ask!!

I hope you're having a good day(?)

Make her give the hot water bottle back to the cat!

You are doing really well speaking up for yourself. The more you do it, the easier it will become. If you are able to let a lot of her comments go 'over your head' then just keep on doing that and see them for what they are - lies designed to upset and undermine you.

I have very little contact with my mother now without any major confrontation. I have gradually phased out most visits and phone calls. Once I stood up to her, she stopped her behaviour towards me but continued towards my two sisters who have not felt able to confront her yet. I don't like my mother as a person but I probably love her because she is my mum.

My eldest sister is in her fifties and still complains that she has been 'told off' by our mother! You are not alone, there are hundreds of us dealing with difficult parents for one reason or another.

Do take her at her word though. If she says she wants to go home, get the ticket booked. Once she has gone, get an answerphone and screen your calls. It's ok for you to decide whether or not you want to talk to her. If she is unkind on the phone tell her that if she is unkind again, you will hang up. Don't give her your mobile number. Do not agree to having her to stay again. She will criticise everything you do with your baby. If you are happy for her to visit you again, make sure she is not staying with you. If she can't afford it she will have to save up.

I know it's hard but try not to feel guilty. My mother once phoned me to say my Dad was dying. This was a lie. That was when I stopped taking her calls. You do not owe her anything. We will help you to stay strong.